Matt Payton's Tumble-o-rama
Making ‘The Descendants’ Funny — and De-Funnying It, Too - NYTimes.com
So that’s why the script wasn’t up to snuff for an Alexander Payne movie - it was written by two 11th graders. Now I’m relieved because it all makes sense now.
The Daily Show had an especially good night in regards to pointing out some inconsistencies last night.
- Internet Against SOPA, PIPA - The Onion
And now I’m going to exercise that right:
9 plays
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
SONG OF THE DAY
The Thermals
“Power Doesn’t Run on Nothing”
from the 2006 album The Body, the Blood, the Machine
- Dr. Nancy Stanwood, Physicians for Reproductive Choice and Health:
I think this has been posted on every website on the internet over the last day and a half and there’s a reason for it.
In Police Training, a Dark Film on U.S. Muslims - NYTimes.com
I assume they’ll be screening it at this year’s National Republican Convention. On a continuous loop projected on the wall like Andy Warhol’s films at The Factory.
I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself - The Onion
Ass men are way more distinguished.
John Kerry Paid Less in Taxes Than Mitt Romney
He obviously spent all that savings on charm lessons.
7 plays
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
SONG OF THE DAY
Guns N’ Roses
“Mama Kin”
from the 1986 EP Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide
Not-So-Live Blogging The 2012 State of the Union Address by Matt Payton
I was out tonight while the SOTU was on the tevee box but I taped C-SPAN while I was gone and since I have a medical condition that doesn’t allow me to watch political speeches or debates without making sarcastic comments in some form I’m “live” blogging this a couple hours late. Someone tell me quick in the comments: did Obama propose a new law that requires all white people to be wearing some form of argyle at all times? I could live with that. I’m ready to get started if you are, just let me say my pre-speech prayer to myself. OK, that was mostly my grocery shopping list so I’m good to go. Let us begin.
11:24 - If you watch the address on C-SPAN they show all the chatter and elbow rubbing that happens while everyone’s waiting for the president to show up. Kind of interesting and it beats whatever insights Chuck Todd pulls out of his unnecessary ass.
11:27 - John Boehner and Joe Biden are standing up in their little booth trying to come up with topics to pretend to talk about for the cameras. Maybe barbecue or Dockers? I can’t tell.
11:29 - Now they’re taking roll call. Who wants to bet that Scott Brown will be the guy who says “present” after 30 people say “here”?
11:31 - Okay I’m fast forwarding through some of this early protocol stuff because it’s as awkward as a high school assembly without the sex appeal.
11:33 - I had to stop on Gabrielle Giffords. She really looks great and seems glad to be there. I wonder if she’s retiring so she can work on her new hip-hop album.
11:35 - Barack has entered the room but I didn’t hear anyone introduce him. How am I supposed to know who’s entering the room? I mean, there are 5 other black people there so I need to be sure.
11:37 - Does everyone have to keep clapping while Obama does a stop-n-chat with everyone who shakes his hand? I would be severely annoyed if I were expected to keep clapping for 10 goddamn minutes.
11:39 - Obama gave Biden and Boehner two oversized envelopes. Were those their paychecks? Is that how these guys get paid? Because I would love it if the president had to hand out everyone in this room’s checks to them every week.
11:42 - “For the first time in nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq.” What about the Blackwater guys over there right now fighting over the prostitute they split for the night? Dennis should clearly get firsties.
11:42 - Only took a couple minutes to mention that Bin Laden is dead. I think I just heard the Republicans all whisper, “Oh shit, he’s probably going to keep bringing that up this year, won’t he?”
11:44 - Wow, he’s using the military as an example of working together that could be possible in Washington. I like it. And cue Joe Wilson in 5…4….3…
11:47 - Damn, he just started and he’s already talking about the wealth gap. I thought he’d through in a little anecdotal foreplay before the sex started but it’s a pleasant surprise nonetheless.
11:51 - Obama doesn’t want to return to the very policies that brought on the financial crisis but having the guys who worked for the companies who caused it work in the White House shouldn’t create a conflict of interest.
11:53 - Here’s a drinking game for people in AA: every time the President mentions public transportation while talking about the auto industry’s progress take a big ol’ swig.
11:55 - Is he complaining about the corporate tax rate? Easy, you don’t want to make the Republican response too redundant.
11:59 - If the playing field is level and America will always win then how is it level? Sorry, I was just staring at a M.C. Escher painting.
12:01 - I didn’t quite catch who that lady is sitting next to Michelle Obama but I’m going to assume she used to be in some sort of female power trio band in the 90s. She was the bass player.
12:03 - Apparently everyone can point to a teacher who changed the path of their lives. Maybe that’s my problem, I only had ones that changed their path when they saw me coming in their direction down the hallway.
12:06 - He’s putting colleges and universities on notice. As well he should. Hopefully they’ll hear him while they’re busy making cannonballs in their pool of money, Scrooge McDuck-style.
12:08 - It’s so ridiculous that he even has to say that women should earn equal pay. It’s 2012 for fuck’s sake, can’t we at least start to work on not being embarrassed when our grandkids call us out on this shit before they get here?
12:11 - Hillary Clinton looks like she is so over this. I wonder if she still calls Obama “kid” or just grunts at him and mumbles to herself, “It shoulda been me, man.”
12:15 - Whoa, it’s time to end subsidizing the oil industry because they have enough money? You just gave Newt Gingrich a whole new 20 minutes of his act.
12:19 - I can’t quite gauge who’s not clapping for using the Iraq War money to fund construction projects because this sea of old white people is quite hard to discern. Let me narrow it down: they looked like golfers.
12:22 - Obama enacted fewer regulations than the Bush administration did. A great fact that will be ignored by half the people in this room for the next 10 months.
12:25 - We’re not bailing out irresponsible financial institutions anymore that is unless they tie themselves so closely to our economy and become so obese that we have no choice. So there!
12:29 - Did he just almost say “no shit”? How great would that have been? I’ve never wanted to see someone lose it and go off on people so much as I have when I watch this man. Maybe when his Oval Office tapes come out someday we’ll get to hear it. And probably less talk about the Jews than the Nixon ones had.
12:31 - Rich people should pay more while non-rich people shouldn’t. In any other civilized western country this is greeted with a “duh” and here it is greeted with a picture of Karl Marx and a misspelled pun.
12:34 - Is somebody booing the proposal of banning insider training within Congress? At first I thought it was whooing but it sounded like booing to me. Maybe it was just a lobbyist from some horrible industry ejaculating on the face of Max Baucus.
12:38 - A smarter, more effective government: sounds great. If only it wasn’t left up to the cretins in this room then we’d have something to be optimistic about. I mean, besides gelato season.
12:42 - We’re going to kick Iran’s ass: huge applause. But doing it peacefully is still the best option: one guy clapping which may or may not have been an attempt to kill a fly.
12:48 - I like Obama’s subtle bragging about ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and he doesn’t need to be subtle about it. He should point that out as often as reminding people that Bin Laden died of a shot to the eyeball.
12:50 - He wrapped that up quick. Now there’s more hand shaking before the President goes home to sleep in a giant tub full of Purell. He’ll need it too because the stench of Dick Durbin won’t come off for weeks.
And now it’s time to go to sleep while visions of green energy sources and fair trade agreements dance through your head. Sure, they can be wearing hose if that will help. I would stay up and watch the Republican response but we all already know what it will be and probably has been written for at least 6 months so why bother? Good night.
Live Blogging the NBC News Florida Republican Presidential Debate by Matt Payton
Man, it seems like we just had one of these a week ago. Actually there’s been 47 of them since then so I figure I’ll tune into this one to see how far the monkeys have learned to fling their poo at each other. When we last checked in on these boys Mitt Romney was unquestionable front runner. Much like a profitable movie franchise, the people who stand to make the most money off this are going to stretch the ending of this race out as long as possible. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will make an appearance while Ron Paul talks about how glorious life will be without libraries.
C-SPAN is showing George Bush’s 1992 State of the Union address right now and it’s interesting to watch. First, he came out and didn’t start off with saying the state of the union is strong but instead made self-deprecating jokes about how his wife was more popular than him and throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. Now he’s bragging about cutting defense spending. So does this mean we’ll be looking back at Rick Santorum in 20 years and chuckle about how he sounds in retrospect? Hopefully our cyborg overlords will allow us to access our history.
8:01 - I really don’t like Brian Williams. Mostly because he becomes aroused at the smell of his own farts. And either put your glasses down or where them shits, stop playing with them like they’re a stress ball.
8:04 - Newt Gingrich doesn’t seem to want to bitch slap the moderator in the face this time, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The night is young and that insulin wears off real fast.
8:06 - Mitt Romney is rightly highlighting the fact that Newt resigned as the Speaker of the House in disgrace. I really have been struggling for the last week to decide which of these two is the more disgusting one. That is a brain teaser if I’ve ever heard one.
8:09 - Brian Williams just called out Romney for being negative after saying he wouldn’t be even though all Williams has asked about so far is a variation of “Just how much of a dickhead do you think Newt Gingrich really is?” If we were in another time Williams would be hosting a game show. Oh wait, he is!
8:12 - How long before they’ll let Ron Paul talk? I’ll bet somewhere around 9:42 but it will be during a commercial break and he’ll ask if he can refill his bag of beef jerky.
8:16 - Ron Paul has no plans to run as a third party candidate and I hope he doesn’t rule out the possibility of being a character actor. If Howard Hawks were around today he could put that man to good use.
8:20 - Romney is bragging about the fact that he doesn’t overpay his taxes. Isn’t that like bragging that your mailman comes to your house no more than once a day?
8:22 - These guys keep talking to each other like they’re bickering but they’re actually agreeing and there’s a bit of camaraderie that comes across but as a surprise to both parties talking. I get a feeling that NBC is trying to suck all of the train wreck excitement that came out last week in South Carolina.
8:25 - What is this with Rick Santorum making a worthwhile point about being pro-capitalism and supporting the Wall Street bailouts? I can’t handle him not spewing bile when he talks. It’s just too jarring.
8:29 - Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich keep trying to call each other out. Fat cat fight!
8:30 - Romney is just an annoying gnat in the face of Gingrich which he keeps trying to swat away but keeps accidentally eating.
8:33 - Why is this so decaffeinated? They’ve somehow made a GOP Presidential debate come across as more dry and nap inducing than a GOP Presidential debate.
8:34 - Commercial break. I need some Ritalin.
8:37 - God help us. NBC is live streaming comments people are making on the internet about the debate. What kind of loser comments in real time over the internet to tell people what they think about what they’re watching? How arrogant is that? Wait a second…
8:42 - “Markets have to have regulation to work” - Mitt Romney. If this were South Carolina he would’ve been tarred and feathered by now. What kind of radical, left-wing thing is he going to say next, “Poor people may not be the devil”?
8:45 - Still haven’t seen Brian Williams use those damn glasses he always is holding. Maybe he lost them along with his pride to be working for the fourth estate.
8:51 - Dumbest answer of the night (so far): “How do you end a war in Afghanistan without talking to the Taliban?”-Brian Williams “By beating them?”-Mitt Romney. Yes, he said it as a question. Simple as that. Thanks, Mitt. Nailed it!
8:54 - Ron Paul thinks it’s utterly foolish to attack Iran at this juncture although he’s dead set on getting us back on the gold standard. Ah, juxtaposition.
8:58 - Brian Williams has brought people in to help him ask questions. They seem to be involved in a field Williams should check out sometime: journalism.
9:00 - Rick Santorum does not like Iran. Granted he doesn’t like much in this world, but them he really does not care for.
9:02 - The female journalist has asked a question about the BP oil spill and like clockwork Santorum has worked the Keystone pipeline into his answer as some sort of energy savior. Now if only he can get sodomy in there he’ll be able to sleep tonight.
9:04 - These guys think other languages are cute and all but if you don’t speak English then you’ll just learn like that. You can take off from your busy schedule to do that can’t you?
9:10 - This might be the most boring presidential debate I’ve ever seen. And I go to all the local girl scout chapter’s presidential debates. Somehow Ron Paul always is always in those too.
9:15 - Don’t get me wrong, that South Carolina crowd last week was abhorrent and it got me fantasizing about having a debate with no crowd at all but this just feels like a high school graduation where the principle tells you to not clap for your brother or not to show emotion of any kind. The screamers are awful and annoying but keeping everyone quiet like they’re McMurphy at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest just feels wrong.
9:19 - Why the hell are they debating Terri Schiavo? I thought we moved on from that one. Let’s ask them what they thought about the O.J. trial after this, then maybe a moment of silence for the Hindenburg victims.
9:21 - Do these two newspaper reporters work for a high school paper? Their questions and presentation certainly would make more sense. They totally have to get their story turned into Mrs. Hoover tomorrow by third period or else they won’t get to go to the skate party Wednesday night.
9:24 - There’s a legitimate question: how come the Bush tax cuts didn’t work? Newt Gingrich answers that by somehow involving 9/11 in the answer and how it helped us from going off a cliff or something. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about but then again I think I’ve been sleep-typing for the last half hour.
9:30 - According to Mitt Romney raising a family is something you can do to contribute to the soul of conservatism in America. That’s a conservative act apparently. What else is he going to claim? Drinking water? Wearing shirts? Hating Katy Perry?
9:34 - Rick Santorum is going after Romney and Gingrich for supporting old Republican ideas that later on Democrats proposed and the new Republicans reacted with outrage. This could help my theory that Santorum is a 6-year-old boy.
9:37 - Did Ron Paul just get the biggest applause of the night for saying that following the Constitution will turn us all into conservatives? I heard at least 8 people clapping but that could’ve been a result of them watching Kramer enter Jerry’s kitchen on an old Seinfeld rerun they’re watching on someone’s laptop.
9:40 - Is it done now? Oh thank the Republican Jesus, i.e the real one. Thank you so much - I’ll never curse the name of Ronald Reagan again. Just get me out of here. Oh wait, my shirt is torn on this rock! Who cares, I’ll replace it later just run!
I now am going to dunk my head into a tub full of bleach. I don’t know why but I know it will provide me more answers than the last hour and forty minutes did. I have to change the channel quickly because Dick Gregory is talking and he makes Brian Williams look like a wise old sage. Let’s meet back here for another debate, shall we? I’m guessing in about 27 minutes or so.
