Matt Payton's Tumble-o-rama

Live Blogging On The Democratic National Convention, Night 3

I’m halfway through this thing and I feel like I’ve aged 7 years already. The conventional wisdom all day today has been that Hillary Clinton last night breathed all kinds of new life into the party with her soaring rhetoric that was one of the best speeches ever or something. I’m not sure I saw that. However, today courtesy of The Onion, I read some of the best political writing I’ve seen in this whole never-ending campaign term.

7:01 - Melissa Etheridge is playing “God Bless America”/”The Times They Are-A Changin’”/”Give Peace A Chance”/”Born In The U.S.A.” with a digital copy of the constitution on the giant tv screens behind her. I’ve never hated music as much as I do now.  I read today that politicians should be barred from using pop songs ever, which I would agree with. What do you think they would ruin in place of that?

7:10 - Oh wow, they let Harry Reid out of his kennel to speak tonight. Even more shocking a group of people are chanting his name and holding up affectionate signs for him. Well, I guess even Motley Crue still have fans.

7:17 - As appalling personally and as leader as Harry Reid is, he’s actually making some sensible points about oil conservation and how we’ve had such a lack of leadership on the subject for so long. Of course his delivery is so god-awful that people at the Pepsi Center are either in line for hot dogs or outside on their phones calling up their casual encounters Craigslist date to confirm for later tonight.

7:28 -Patrick Murphy is making point #314 of the things the democrats should be holding the Republicans accountable for - the horrible treatment of veterans coming home from Afghanistan and Iraq. I mean the Walter Reed scandal, the cutting of veteran’s benefits, the extending tours to a year-and-a-half, this stuff is not hard to find out about, people!

7:33 - Granted, I don’t have the best memory in the world, but Madeleine Albright just brought up how stupid it was of Bush and Cheney to invade Iraq and I believe that’s at least one of the first if not the first mention of that idea being a bad one. If that’s the case I guess I should give up any hope for shedding light on the drug war, the prison industrial complex, the horrible food we eat or god forbid, election and campaign finance reform.

7:40 - Hey, Evan Bayh is also talking about how Iraq has been a huge waste of money and effort. Hopefully I’ll get to eat my words. They should be talking about Iraq in every speech given that’s what McCain thinks he’s an expert on and everything. He’s emphasizing how McCain would be a bad leader on this which is kind of funny coming from the guy who co-sponsored the resolution to use force in Iraq in 2002.

7:48 - Jack Reed just bragged about the fact that he and Obama opposed the Iraq War from the beginning. I agree that’s worthy of bragging about but uh, Jack and the rest of you democrats who organized this thing - you do know that your VP candidate didn’t do that. Probably should’ve looked into that. Hey, why not switch him out for Jack Reed instead?

7:52 - Does anyone else notice how Tom Daschle looks exactly like David Letterman circa 1996?

8:02 - Do you think Bill Clinton wants to murder someone every time he hears “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac? No, that’s probably just me. It seems like he only got half the applause Hillary got last night. And Michelle Obama looks like she’s barely trying to mask her dislike of him. And that’s why I can’t hide my love for her.

8:05 - OK, never mind. The crowd won’t shut up and let Bill speak. We don’t need to know you love Biden, we need you to confess that Obama is just as prepared as your wife was.

8:16 - Bill Clinton seems to be doing fine I don’t really have anything to add about it. Of course as you can see I don’t have much to add about this whole process.

8:34 - John Kerry is performing a magic trick - showing us all in his first minute of speaking every reason why he didn’t get elected four years ago. In terms of charisma and passion we got quite the upgrade this year from 2004, eh?

8:37 - Kerry’s candidate McCain vs. Senator McCain is kind a clever bit. Jon Stewart did that with governor Bush vs. President Bush. Now he just said, “Talk about being against something before you were against it.” Uh, good point, sir. Hope you don’t ever plan to run again but don’t worry no one would’ve let you anyway.

8:45 - Oddly enough, it seems like John Kerry can be at his best when he goes on the offensive and one of his biggest problems when he ran was that he never did that thing that he’s really good at. It’s like when Michael Jordan played baseball.

8:47 - Tonight seems to be military/anti-Iraq night. I guess they realized that had been lacking so far this week also. I still say that shouldn’t be limited to one night.

8:49 - Point #315: we shouldn’t be torturing people.

9:06 - Is it me or is Spielberg’s military film really boring? I totally acknowledge it could be me.

9:12 - It’s not like they don’t have it or shouldn’t try it but when the democrats try and flash their military cred I just don’t find it….I don’t know, something’s just off about it.

9:18 - Oh god no, not Pelosi again. How her and Harry Reid got themselves into positions of leadership is as mysterious as how The House Bunny got green-lit.

9:25 - Will Joe Biden be the first VP candidate with hair plugs?

9:28 - OK we get it, Biden’s a family man. Could someone explain what the fuck that has to do with his job?

9:33 - Is Joe Biden’s wife always on the verge of a meltdown? Or is that just her look? I’m just asking…

9:37 - Biden takes the train home to Deleware every night? Really? I haven’t heard that talked about very much. What an interesting insight into his life!

9:40 - Comment from my woman sitting next to me who has been watching for the last ten minutes: “Nothing he’s saying is new.”

9:45 - Why are these people so eager to chant repetitive slogans? I feel like I’m in church.

9:47 - “Put the security back into social security”? Why is this guy supposed to be so good again?

9:50 - Did I just catch Michelle reading a book while Biden’s blathering? If so, I don’t blame her one bit.

9:52 - Great comment from my friend, John: “I now hate the ‘American Dream’”.

9:54 - Well, given the build-up to it, that was the most underwhelming/disappointing speech they’ve had all week. It’s almost like the Biden pick was to appease the establishment pricks within the party and no one’s really excited by him.

9:55 - Holy Jesus it’s Barack! Surprise attack. Actually, after Biden’s speech Barack probably decided to make an appearance 10 minutes ago and busted his ass to get there to save everyone from falling into a coma.

A great night for confirming things I’ve known the whole time: Bill Clinton is very talented public speaker, former democratic presidential candidates seem to obtain scruples and balls when they’re not running for anything and Joe Biden was a bad choice for a running mate. Look for tomorrow night’s themes: ice cream is delicious, newbord puppies are adorable and Halle Berry is hot.

P.S. - Great line from Mick Huckabee on The Colbert Report tonight: “He ended up picking Joe Biden. Which is kind of like going into Baskin Robbins and ordering vanilla. He went safe.”

Live Blogging On The Democratic National Convention, Night 2

The second night of this reality show is starting and I can’t wait for Hillary Clinton’s talking head interview where she justifies telling her supporters to vote for McCain.

7:04 - What’s the lamest, most corporate gig a musician can play - the Super Bowl Halftime Show, a national political convention or an inaugural ball?

7:14 - What mother would name her son “Steny”? Is that why he became a democrat? Because no one loved him?

7:18 - Steny Hoyer is lecturing me like I teepeed his house over the weekend.

7:26 - Anna Burger is speaking right now and all I can think about is the roommate of Cameron Diaz in There’s Something About Mary.

7:33 - Wow, the governor of Arizona is also the mayor of South Park. I wonder how she keeps both jobs.

7:36 - Oh boy, they’re staging a faux town hall meeting with the governor of Michigan and some other people. Do the democrats have any interesting people in their party? This has turned into a high school assembly much quicker and more painfully than I imagined.

7:42 - This panel is talking about what to do in regards to the energy crisis and I haven’t heard one word about infrastructure or public transportation. They’re just talking about cars, of course there are energy executives in the group and the governor of Michigan is leading it so what should I expect?

7:52 - Sadly, the mayor of Fairbanks, Alaska has been one of the best speakers of the night. May God have mercy on our souls.

7:59 - Is it naive of me to propose instead of the short-attention span speeches that have been the norm so far this week by lots of different people, would it be a better idea to have more prominent and compelling speakers give long speeches that rally people more? I mean isn’t that the objective of these conventions?

8:04 - Kathleen Sebelius just used the term “shout-out to the Sunflower state”. Could that be the first time that has ever been said? Let’s pray to God right now that it’s the last.

8:07 - All I can think of while watching Kansas governor Sebelius is when she gave the rebuttal to the State of the Union address this year and Jon Stewart said, “Hmmm, flat and boring. What state is she from again? Oh, right.”

8:15 - At first I thought it was a sign of the country’s willful ignorance that the broadcast networks weren’t airing the conventions and that it was sad that they couldn’t give up some primetime during the repeat season of summer, but right now I completely understand. Surely Two And Half Men has to be better than this.

8:20 - I’ve never said this before and I doubt I will in the future, but can we bring out Hillary Clinton now and see what she has to say please?

8:24 - Hey, it’s the guy who beat Rick Santorum. He should wear that on a t-shirt and just come out in it. Everyone would cheer for five minutes.

8:26 - Bob Casey is trying to convince everyone Barack Obama is a man of the people because he can talk sports and is a man of faith. Yeah, there’s been a real lack of a sports and Jesus-lovin’ man in the White House.

8:29 - What’s this? Someone actually getting a reaction from these people? It is kind of strange to think that there will be no more George W. Bush in four months. God, it feels like he’s been president for about 33 years.

8:41 - Does anyone else think that Mark Warner resembles Rev. Ted Haggard?

8:44 - Why is Warner so proud of the fact that his first two business ventures failed? This idea the democrats have that being smart and successful is something to overcome is one of their worst problems. Why don’t they just call up Bush Sr. and eat some pork rinds with him while they’re at it?

8:47 - Finally, a good point made. Warner asks why didn’t George W. Bush ask us after 9/11 to do something and solve some of our problems. This also should be one of their biggest themes.

8:50 - He hits on another thing they should be going after the Republicans for - they’re hatred of science. Jeez, there are so many things they could go on the offensive about gaaahhhhhhh!

8:58 - Oh boy, here come the Thomas Jefferson references and comparisons. That’s a real original thing to do, I’ve never heard politicians do that before.

9:03 - I’ve been wondering all year why the democrats haven’t ran many of their governors but after seeing so many of them speak tonight I totally get it. I thought it was strange to have two of them on the ticket when a sitting senator hasn’t been elected since Kennedy but look at the pool they have to choose from. Yikes.

9:12 - Deval Patrick has been speaking for 2 minutes and is already more exciting than Mark Warner. Bonus points for actually talking about poverty and how it’s tied to education.

9:17 - Good quote from Patrick: “Democrats don’t deserve to win just because Republicans deserve to lose.”

9:24 - Montana governor Brian Schweitzer is kind of hokey but at least he hasn’t been polished to death and his personality shines through. So far that’s only happened a couple times. He looks talks and fidgets just like Tom Arnold. I kind of like it.

9:28 - I have to say, this guy’s speaking style is a huge breath of fresh air, much like I imagine the air would be in his state of Montana. He has a unique quality about him and he’s quite likeable. Of course, he’s a western governor so he’s probably pretty conservative, but he’s actually getting quite the reaction from these people. Why wasn’t this dude the keynote?

9:30 - Another great line from Schweitzer: “Barack Obama understands that the most important barrel of oil is the one you don’t use.”

9:37 - They’re playing “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” during the Hillary montage? Am I reading too much into that choice of music?

9:44 - Hillary’s ovation is a bit overblown. I really don’t understand why these people love her so much. OK, she’s mentioned Obama in the first minute - that surprised me.

9:50 - There’s the Hillary we all know and…know, talking about herself and her campaign and all the people who love her. They really love her. I’m waiting for the number of votes she received during the primary season to go up on the screen behind her.

9:54 - I’ll give Hillary props for mentioning gay rights - I think that’s the first time they’ve got any love so far.

9:59 - She’s very sly about referring back to “the golden age of the Clinton era”. It seems a bit self-aggrandizing to me, but that’s like calling out Quentin Tarantino for being too long-winded.

10:03 - OK, the Twin Cities line was delivered pretty well.

10:08 - Well, she definitely rallied the base with that. The crowd hasn’t been that juiced up yet.

10:09 - She really didn’t say all that much specific stuff about Obama and I thought she could’ve made more of direct appeal to transfer the enthusiasm behind her over to him.

Just like last night, this thing was a huge waste of time until the end. I guess the networks did broadcast the last hour. Maybe that’s why the party brought out the chess club most of the night. Sullivan and his reader  pretty much sum it up here: http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/08/an-interminable.html

Live Blogging On The Democratic National Convention

I’m going to try and sit through the ultimate corporate rock concert that this thing is. It’s very possible I’ll give up on this in the first five minutes and go stick my head in the toilet to do something more cerebral. God, I feel sorry for the residents of Denver this week having to live with these people in their fine town.

7:02 – I’m surprised to find that none of the broadcast networks are showing this except for PBS, which is where I’m staying.

7:08 – Someone actually made a documentary about Nancy Pelosi and I thought the movie about a spelling bee was impossible to make interesting.

7:11 – Nancy Pelosi has taken pictures with soldiers and black people. I think this is supposed to mean that she likes them or something.

7:15 – I haven’t seen public speaking this full of life and natural since George W. Bush.

7:17 - She just fucking said America is land of the free and home of the brave unironically. I think.

7:18 - Pelosi is trying to insult McCain by repeating the clever slogan “Barack is right and John McCain is wrong” by getting the whole crowd to go along with her like a youth pastor trying to get teenagers to recite a passage from Galations out loud with him. I need a goddamn drink already.

7:23 - On CNN Wolf Blitzer is talking instead of them showing Nancy P’s speech. That seems about right.

7:25 - Why is David Brooks dressed like he’s going to an Easter egg hunt at Elton John’s house?

7:28 - Judy Woodruff appears to be wearing a headset that she might have worn at the 1972 convention in Miami. I think she’s still working the same tan she got down there too.

7:33 - The Jimmy Carter film on New Orleans was actually good. And appropriate. It was nice to see attention drawn to it. I don’t know why the democrats haven’t hammered away on the Republicans for that more.

7:43 - If you were to have a drinking game that involved taking a drink every time change is mentioned I wonder how long it would be until you were shitfaced. I’m guessing I would have 3 sheets to the wind already.

7:49 - Jesse Jackson, Jr. seems like a pretty good speaker to me. But then again, I saw Nancy Pelosi talk a while ago and I’m pretty sure I’d think Britney Spears would sound like Winston fucking Churchill after that.

7:51 - One of my least favorite things to watch is stiff white people dancing but adding equally lame Lenny Kravitz music to that mix makes it oh so worse. How much longer until Jon Stewart comes on? If it weren’t for him and Colbert this would be even more unbearable.

7:58 - On C-SPAN they keep the camera on the convention the whole time unlike the cable networks who will squeeze any punditry time in they can like a cokehead will sneak in a bathroom break. Even PBS goes back to interviews during the musical breaks. Of course they seem to be doing it with way more class, but you can afford that when me and three other old people watch it. Oh well back to C-SPAN and Ellen-esque forced dancing!

8:06 - Time for the “common man” testimonial. A big dude with shoulders too wide for the camera to get all in one shot. I’m pretty sure his wife is a robot. I have yet to see a blink. Oh, there’s one! No, that was just a fly.

8:12 - I just spotted John Kerry in the crowd. Please for the love of god don’t let him speak tonight. Wait, I think I still have some Vicodin in the medicine cabinet. It might be ok.

8:17 - Caroline Kennedy seems like she’s uncomfortable and does not want to be up there. She’s not shy about staying out of politics as much as possible. Hopefully that will be my most obvious observation of the week.

8:21 - If the democrats are all about trying to move away from being seen as rich elitists I’m not sure showing footage of Ted Kennedy sailing on his yacht is the best way to do that.

8:33 - It just occurred to me while watching Ted Kennedy speak that the democrats have had such a lack of leadership for so long and a lack of people for them all to get behind that it could explain why they’re so good at losing and being unorganized. So I guess I was wrong about that obvious observation thing.

8:38 - In response to my last post, I see Howard Dean up there and remember that he’s the guy in charge of this party, which explains a lot.

8:46 - Wow the Chicago City Clerk is speaking! With any luck they’ll bring out the South Bend, Indiana school comptroller!

9:00 - Tom Harkin is speaking in sign language. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s mute or just in a drunken stupor. I’m hoping that’s it.

9:02 - Damn, I was wrong. He keeps talking.

9:06 - Has Jim Leach or most of these other people on the stage tonight ever taken a public speaking course? Surely that was still a core requirement in college back then, right?

9:08 - Leach just broke out “country comes before party”. Then explain why Joe Biden is on your party’s ticket, sir.

9:12 - And now he adds “America needs new ideas, a new outlook, etc…” I agree, if only we could tell the party who controls the legislative body that.

9:14 - Claire McCaskill’s kids are encouraging me to send some sort of text message. Are they aware 14-year-olds can’t vote? And the 80-year-old grandma he’s talking about doesn’t know what the hell a text message is. I agree with Andrew Sullivan about this.

9:16 - McCaskill says Missourians have an “abundance of common sense”. Really? Didn’t we vote to ban gay marriage four years ago by around 70 some odd percent? And didn’t we just vote here in KC to ban smoking from restaurants and bars but let the casinos keep it? And I seem to recall us getting on our knees every time one of our sports teams wants to renovate their stadiums but we voted down public transit 5 times in a row.

9:22 - What the hell is “g-chatting”?

9:28 - Michelle Obama’s father sounds like a very interesting man. I’d like to know more about him.

9:37 - Michelle didn’t come out draped in a flaming American flag or wiping her ass with a bald eagle. Fox News’ graphics department is going to have to work overtime tonight.

9:49 - It seems like Michelle has sparked the first sign of real enthusiasm here. I said it before and I’ll say it again, I think Barack should’ve picked her as his VP, she’s a hell of a lot more inspiring than Biden.

9:55 - Barack’s only 15 miles from where I’m sitting right now addressing everyone through a TV screen. And his daughter just had one of the few unscripted, real moments of the night.

9:59 - Who is this douche bag praying? Should I not even try to complain about any semblance of separation of church and state?

Well, except for the Robinsons/Obamas this night was pretty underwhelming. Those little girls were pretty charming though and it’s nice that for the most part they haven’t been whored out as you would expect them to be. I personally like the more unfiltered Michelle than what we saw but she was still pretty good. Now it’s time for the professional bullshitters to start fellating themselves for the next few hours on the cable news channels. And now I see that Stewart and Colbert won’t be new until tomorrow night. Don’t they do live shows during the convention week? I feel like I ate all my vegetables even the horrible ones like broccoli and the promise of dessert was just a lie.