Matt Payton's Tumble-o-rama

It certainly was the last year of the 2000s, you can say that. I don’t know what else you could say about it, but I’ll give it the old college try:

1. The Raveonettes In And Out Of Control

The fact that The Raveonettes were my first concert in Chicago this fall may have influenced this being at the top of the list, but this album is hard to compete with. Nearly every song I think could be a single and they all sounded even better live. The Raveonettes have been underrated for a long time and if there is a just and loving God then he will come down and smite all of the purity-ring-wearing pop stars to make room for these two Danish song smiths.

2. Cursive Mama, I’m Swollen

On the last song of the album Tim Kasher repeatedly asks what has he accomplished with his life so far. That seems like an odd question coming from a guy who has made a series of great albums with two different bands that he sings in over the last 10 years. At least he has more to show for himself than a stupid top ten list once a year!

3. Woods Songs Of Shame

This album stuck out from a lot of the low-fi indie fare that’s been fashionable as of late mostly because it didn’t sound much like that, but I think it easily could with some engineering and a shitty microphone. I really like the Vaselines-esque lead guitar sound peppered throughout the songs and the Daniel Johnston-inspired album title. If I actually enjoyed camping out I would bring this album along and I would listen to it while I counted down the hours until I could return to glorious concrete and indoor plumbing.

4. Raekwon Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Pt. 2

This requires no time to get used to or be in the mood for - just hit play and it takes off. Now, a lot of albums can start off strong and get you into a particular head space but what’s so great about this one is that it stays at that level throughout. Raekwon knows how to share the spotlight too since Ghostface Killah and Method Man steal the show whenever they show up. Next time you’re having people over to drink some wine on a Sunday night instead of putting on Wilco for the umpteenth time, try this instead. Those people will all be back next week…and they might bring some weed with them.

5. Animal Collective Merriweather Post Pavilion

If you want a lush chorus stuck in your head for 72 straight hours I would suggest you listen to just about any song on this one. You’ll want it to last longer. Luckily, Animal Collective have put out a string of consecutive albums and EPs that are terrific and improve and expand on what came before.

6. Deer Tick Born On Flag Day

It’s good.

7. Girls Album

I didn’t notice until my friend Jon pointed it out to me, but the lead singer’s voice sounds very much like Elvis Costello. The difference here though is that this music isn’t boring. You come out of listening to this a bit jarred because of all the moods that the songs take on. There are chipper pop songs, sad bastard songs, long trippy songs and a great Sonic Youth ripoff. This is also gets better the more you listen to it, like the opposite of Brian Williams.

8. The Smith Westerns The Smith Westerns

Some of these songs are so catchy and melodic that they should be annoying but they aren’t. And yes, it’s supposed to sound like it was recorded inside of your dad’s metal lunch box he used to take to work 25 years ago.

9. DOOM Born Like This

I’ve never understood the unwritten rule of hip hop that every song has to be over 4 minutes long with at least 3 verses with an intro and outro. DOOM throws that rulebook out the window and fills Born Like This with a great collection of short little songs that get the point across without bombast. It’s like Milo Goes To College by The Descendents but without the “Fuck you, mom and dad!” sentiment.

10. Mos Def The Ecstatic

He doesn’t do too much rapping here and I didn’t even realize that until I’d listened to it a few times. It’s a delicate thing how an album can be “all over the place” either to its detriment or its strength. This album falls into the latter category. This is his strongest solo album yet. While I wrestled between this and Invisible Girl for the #10 spot, this won out by a hair because I get something new out of it upon each listen, much like when you find something new that will kill you every time you try a KFC Famous Bowl.

Honorable Mention:

King Khan And The BBQ Show Invisible Girl

Neko Case Middle Cyclone

Morrissey Years Of Refusal

Vivian Girls Everything Goes Wrong

The Strange Boys The Strange Boys’ And Girls Club

1. Woods “Military Madness”

My favorite timeless song of the year.

2. Jay-Z featuring Mr. Hudson “Young Forever”

My favorite sentimental song of the year.

3. Cursive “From The Hips”

My favorite go-with-your-gut song of the year.

4. Girls “Lust For Life”

My favorite plea-for-a-normal-life song of the year.

5. Conor Oberst and the Mystical Valley Band “Spoiled”

My favorite could-be-about-Goldman-Sachs song of the year.

6. The Smith Westerns “The Glam Goddess”

My favorite guitar solo song of the year.

7. DOOM “That’s That”

My favorite don’t-waste-no-time song of the year.

8. Deer Tick “Friday XIII”

My favorite unhealthy relationship song of the year.

9. No Age “You’re A Target”

My favorite unintelligible song of the year.

10. Pearl Jam “Got Some”

My favorite drug dealer song of the year.

1. Big Fan (Robert Siegel)

This also might have been influenced by the circumstances of which I saw the movie. It was the first feature I saw in Chicago’s great Music Box Theater, so I was a bit in awe of the big, historic room in which I was sitting. Between this film and Observe And Report, Taxi Driver has had a good year. Watching Patton Oswalt’s character recite his script he writes every day at work for the football call-in radio show he listens to at night is very amusing. It’s the only part of his life that he gets to be articulate and clever. The rest of the time he’s irritable, even while he’s watching the Giants play from the parking lot of their stadium. What fun is immersing yourself in an interest if you can’t talk about and analyze it later? I don’t know anything about that.

2. Fantastic Mr. Fox (Wes Anderson)

Wes Anderson didn’t really change his approach for animation. Everything is still in place: deadpan jokes, identity issues, father/son dynamics and corduroy suits. It just all happens between fox dolls this time. This is a role George Clooney was born to play. He’s much more fun here than in Up In The Air. This movie is just as good as a comment on the economic crisis too.

3. A Serious Man (Joel and Ethan Coen)

The Coen brothers (along with Tarantino) are the best at telling really great stories without telling you what to think about them or spelling out who’s wrong and who’s right. I wish this wasn’t as rare of a thing as it is in movies, but I also wish that Penelope Cruz was coming over for some leftover egg nogg tonight too. Both are probably unlikely.

4. Moon (Duncan Jones)

My favorite depressing movie of the year. This also is a good commentary on our current job market. It glamorizes the working-in-space industry in the same way that Office Space glamorized the having-a-“real”-job industry.

5. Inglourious Basterds (Quentin Tarantino)

Oh my god - someone made a Jewish/WWII movie that’s actually (gasp) fun! This is unacceptable. These types of movies have to be solemn, overly-reverent and portray the good guys as downright saintly. If you break these rules, the Hollywood establishment will send Shosanna Dreyfus to your house to set it on fire.

6. Broken Embraces (Pedro Almodóvar)

Almodóvar makes yet another compelling and beautiful melodrama that sticks with you after it’s over. He’s been doing this so consistently for so long that it’s easy to take it all for granted, like the Lakers in the 80s. But also like the Lakers, this movie’s themes are about sex, bitterness, debt and obsession. The film could’ve used more short shorts and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar goggles, but those are minor complaints.

7. World’s Greatest Dad (Bobcat Goldthwait)

This film breaks even more rules than Tarantino did, but for some reason it followed the newer one that says you must have a bare minimum of 5 minute-long montages in your movie set to the pop music you came of age to. The kid in this movie made me laugh more than any single person on screen this year and it was weird to see Robin Williams not be totally obnoxious, but great. Like if U2 all of the sudden put out a great album or something.

8. Humpday (Lynn Shelton)

There’s nothing like taking a simple idea and executing on it well without all the superfluous distractions that can come along. Who thought a movie about two obnoxious straight guys making a gay porn video could be so awkward and entertaining? Actually that does seem logical now that I think about it.

9. Extract (Mike Judge)

I’m pretty sure that Jason Bateman was created in a lab for an experiment to make the ultimate “everyman” actor. I would pay large amounts of money to take him with me to the DMV for a day and just watch him react to people. This is one of the few workplace comedies that will make you feel sorry for your boss afterward. However, you’ll then realize you didn’t get a raise this year, so fuck that asshole. Oh, and also Ben Affleck is hilarious in this - make of that what you will, but he’s one of the best things about the movie. And that’s saying something because there are a lot of good things about it.

10. I Love You, Man (John Hamburg)

This film shouldn’t have been as good as it was, but I got quite the kick out of it. I liked the awkward portrayal of how much harder making friends as an adult can be than dating. It’s not always easy for men and especially for the ones who don’t have sports and beer drinking to fall back on. And no, that doesn’t necessarily mean that all of our kind are as sensitive and good looking as Paul Rudd.

Honorable Mention:

The Brothers Bloom (Rian Johnson)

The Invention Of Lying (Ricky Gervais and Matthew Robinson)

Gomorra (Matteo Garrone)

Everlasting Moments (Jan Troell)

Good Hair (Jeff Stilson)

Beauty In Trouble (Jan Hřebejk)

The Informant! (Steven Soderbergh)

1. Notorious (George Tillman, Jr.)

There’s nothing worse than a by-the-books biopic. And that’s exactly what you’re getting here. Even those crappy VH1 movies scoffed at this. And what was with all the talk of Jamal Woolard’s uncanny depiction of The Notorious B.I.G.? Being an obese young black man does not immediately qualify you to play him in a movie. If that’s the case, they could’ve just glued a wig on Charles Barkley and cast him. Hell, I could be the star of a Harold Lloyd biopic that way!

2. The Box (Richard Kelly)

Cameron Diaz is one of the leads and I knew that going in, so this one is really my fault. It looks like the credit that Richard Kelly earned with Donnie Darko has maxed out. The 70s set design looks like it was done by the understudy to the set designer from my high school plays and the fact that the story didn’t really make much sense would’ve bothered me if I had been paying attention more. Instead I was busy stabbing myself in the thigh with a toothpick.

3. Paper Heart (Nicholas Jasenovec)

If you’re going to make a fake documentary with virtually no plot about the most unspecific question in the world (what is true love?) then you might not want to pick the most annoying, self-conscious person in the world to host it. I don’t know who Charlyne Yi is or why/how she’s famous, all I know is that she was sent here by Satan to set back the appeal of nerdy straight girls with glasses who dress like 8th grade boys in the Shakespeare club for decades to come. And let’s face it: those girls were going to have it rough to begin with. Also, a note for Michael Cera: Those of us who like you are really itching for a redemption of some kind - nothing huge, just a reminder of what made us fall for you. Oh all right, I’ll watch Arrested Development for the 6th time.

4. Brüno (Larry Charles)

The only interesting thing about this movie for me was seeing it with the mayor of Kansas City sitting in front of me. After seeing the ridiculous Ron Paul scene in the movie (which is more ridiculous than the Charlton Heston scene in Bowling For Columbine), I realized that Brüno is Mr. Garrison in the Death Camp Of Tolerance episode of South Park.

5. The Informers (Gregor Jordan)

Things I learned from this film: lots of sex and drugs can be fun yet have consequences; rich, fashionable L.A. kids wore skinny ties and Ray-Bans in the early 80s; even though we now primarily associate it with trashiness, smoking still looks kind of cool. I could’ve got all of this from a 50-second commercial instead of watching a 90-minute one for douchebags.

6. The Hangover (Todd Phillips)

As my friend Colin put it right after the credits were done, “What a lazy movie!” You have hilarious people like Zach G. and Ed Helms there the whole time and you give us this piece of shit movie? Hmm, men like to drink a lot and stay out late while vacationing in Las Vegas - what an interesting premise! I’ve never really seen that tackled before. This will be a delight. Oh, and be sure to make the only women in the movie either a castrating bitch or a whore with a heart of gold. Nailed it!

7. Cold Souls (Sophie Barthes)

I feared this would just be mediocre, but it was pretty bad. And boring. I could watch Paul Giamatti in just about anything and get a kick out of him, but even he couldn’t do much with this poor man’s Charlie Kaufman script. I’m surprised more of those haven’t popped up over the last 5 years than what has, not that I’m complaining.

8. (500) Days Of Summer (Marc Webb)

I actually wanted to hate this more than I did, but it turned out to be only a mild hatred. Once I found out the music of The Smiths was going to play a role, I immediately went into the same mode that a bear does when she senses danger to her cubs. Luckily they just play a couple of their songs in the movie and it’s not that big of a deal and neither is the whole conflict on which everything hangs. The whole movie was negated by the way-too-smart-for-her-own-age (which is a big pet peeve of mine) little girl in the movie when she’s consoling , “She said she didn’t want anything serious from the beginning. Stop being such a pussy and get over it.” She’s right, there was no need for any of this cutesiness. Whatever happened to good old fashioned hooking up and making sure you’re wart free afterward?

9. Lymelife (Derick Martini)

This is one of those factory made films that tries to meet the requirements of what it perceives as the “indie” syllabus. Last year the movie Smart People did this. You could watch the two back-to-back if you ever wanted to kill yourself in a really uninspired, generic way.

10. Me And Orson Welles (Richard Linklater)

It’s probably not the best idea to give starring roles in films with great directors to Disney Channel stars. That might seem obvious, but you have to get it writing before Spike Lee casts Christina Aguilera in Me And Etta James. And the Disney kid is in every scene of the movie too! So he has to carry the goddamned thing, meanwhile he probably thinks that A Touch Of Evil is an old video game or something.

Not bad movies per say, just movies that I wasn’t impressed with, but a lot of other people seemed to be:

Where The Wild Things Are (Spike Jonze)

Up In The Air (Jason Reitman)

Away We Go (Sam Mendes)

Adventureland (Greg Mottola)

Coraline (Neil Gaiman)

The Hurt Locker (Kathryn Bigelow)

Funny People (Judd Apatow)

In The Loop (Armando Iannucci) I don’t know if this one belongs here because I liked it more than the others here.

1. Cursive The Ugly Organ (2003)

One of the few bands I will see every time they tour and don’t get sick of at all. This was the album that introduced me to the band and like Annie Hall to Woody Allen, it’s a great one to start with so you can see what you’re getting yourself into. This album also contains one of my favorite lines of all time: “My ego’s like my stomach/It keeps shitting what I feed it.”

2. The Raveonettes Lust Lust Lust (2007)

When listened to in one sitting, especially through headphones, this can put you into some sort of wonderful trance. Every track blends into the next perfectly while still standing out. There’s just as much emotion in the guitar solos as there are in the vocals, which is quite a bit. If you don’t sing along to these after a while, then I’m pretty sure you’re not human.

3. OutKast Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (2003)

I don’t see how it’s possible to not like at least some portion of this double-album. It’s like going to a good diner and not being able to find at least one thing that sounds good to you. The consensus seems to be that Stankonia is the ultimate OutKast album, but to me that’s like saying Bleach is the ultimate Nirvana album - trying to inject a little obscurity into a very non-obscure subject.

4. Titus Andronicus The Airing Of Grievances (2008)

I don’t know how they blend earnest and cavalier so well, but it really makes this album work. A lot of these songs sound those Irish songs they sing on The Wire at the police bar, but more aggressive and slightly less drunk.

5. Arcade Fire Neon Bible (2007)

This is my favorite album that was recorded in a church. My second favorite album that was recorded in a church: Billy Graham Unplugged. His acoustic rendering of the Beatitudes is pretty kick-ass!

6. The Good Life Black Out (2002)

My favorite break-up album of the decade.

7. The Roots Phrenology (2002)

Black Thought establishes himself here as The Roots’ secret weapon more so than on any of their other albums. He’s a great MC and I never have figured out why he hasn’t got more respect. He could gain some more of it by stuffing Jimmy Fallon’s empty head into Tuba Gooding Jr.’s horn one night during one of his painful interviews. His birthday would then become a federal holiday except in Arizona, of course.

8. Radiohead In Rainbows (2007)

Good comeback album by a band that never went away nor ever dipped in quality. It’s true - they never made anything less than a great album this decade. Hail To The Thief is probably my least favorite and I think it’s awesome. They’ve set some insanely high standards. So in that sense they’ve gone against the grain of this decade.

9. Desaparecidos Read Music/Speak Spanish (2002)

My favorite ugliness-of-suburbia album of the decade.

10. Bright Eyes Lifted or The Story Is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground (2002)

My favorite overly-brooding album of the decade.

11. The Stills Logic Will Break Your Heart (2003)

This album came along when a lot of people were already well into their early 80s, post-punk revivalist period but I’ll be damned if this didn’t show the rest of them how it’s done. It’s very straightforward, no-frills and not the most original thing you’ve ever heard in your life but it’s damn good. I kind of like albums like that: the ones that shouldn’t be as good as they are considering what they’re working with. My ex-girlfriends have all said that at one point about me.

12. Spider Bags A Celebration Of Hunger (2007)

My favorite basement album of the decade.

13. Animal Collective Strawberry Jam (2007)

I could’ve put their newest album here, but I favor this one slightly. I’ve never had a strong, visceral connection to Animal Collective as I do some of the other bands on here, but there’s something about this album that’s very sunny. Don’t worry, it’s not too sunny. You can still bring your Irish friends.

14. The Libertines The Libertines (2004)

Most of these songs sound like they’re on the verge of falling apart on the surface, but they’re actually very tight and carefully crafted if you listen closely. Like Ricky Gervais did with The Office, they gave us two albums then quit - leaving us wanting more. What is it about the British knowing how to quit while they’re ahead? Oh, The Rolling Stones are a British band? Oh well, nevermind.

15. Danger Mouse The Grey Album (2004)

It’s not just a sonic exercise, it’s a fun album to listen to also. I actually prefer this to Jay-Z’s Black Album. Oddly enough this doesn’t make me want to immediately listen to the White Album afterwards, but instead makes me want to combine Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle with A Hard Day’s Night. Or perhaps N.W.A.’s Straight Outta Compton with Abbey Road. I couldn’t post the album below because it was never legally released so the record companies acted quickly and squashed it before it had a chance. Yet we’re in the 6th year of the Iraq War, go figure!

16. The Streets A Grand Don’t Come For Free (2004)

I know a few people who can’t get past this guy’s very British and very white voice in a hip hop setting, but his mumbling storytelling style really gets a lot of mileage out of that voice of his. The track “Dry Your Eyes” may be one of the saddest (but also terrific) songs I own. I couldn’t listen to it all the way through for a long time because I would be depressed immediately afterward. Of course that description also applies to any Weezer song from the last few years.

17. Sleater-Kinney One Beat (2002)

I had the chance to see Sleater-Kinney on this tour when they were opening for Pearl Jam in 2003. My friend Alyvia and I arrived to the large outdoor venue right before they were about to play and the second our tickets were torn a furious thunderstorm began its downpour. Even though we were already soaked, we huddled underneath a concession stand for the next 45 minutes with tons of other wet people. We finally decided to endure the rain once it let up and Pearl Jam begun playing. We never saw Sleater-Kinney play and they broke up three years later. I don’t know whether to blame Kansas City weather or outdoor concerts, but I have an equal hatred of both.

18. The Strokes Is This It (2001)

After this album came out it seemed like every white male between the ages of 15-25 was issued a white belt and ordered to throw away their combs. I however was deep into my powdered wig and pantaloon phase at the time, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying this very accessible and fun album. The sequencing to me is what’s key on Is This It. It’s best to hear the whole thing in one session, like the opposite of a Rick Warren prayer.

19. Weezer Weezer (2001)

This would earn a spot on this list purely because it was my gateway drug to Weezer’s previous album, Pinkerton which I wore out from playing so much during the first half of this decade. This band always bored me until they came back in 2001 and played a not-yet-released song on Conan called “Island In The Sun”. The next day I bought the album and I all of the sudden was a Weezer fan after everyone else I knew already had their Weezer period. I don’t know why or how, but this album put their old stuff into context for me and I immersed myself in their previous two albums, wondering how I had missed it the first time. Of course, from 2005 onward is a different story…I don’t want to talk about it.

20. Kanye West Late Registration (2005)

It’s kind of a somber sounding album for a guy who’s just been crowned (by he himself most of the time) the next big thing. I almost had to flip a coin to decide between putting this or The College Dropout on here, but I’ve always been just a hair more inclined toward this one. Kanye isn’t a very good MC, but his songs are so damn musical that you can just get lost in them for a while.

21. Bob Dylan Modern Times (2006)

Much like George Carlin in his later years, Modern Times is really good at alternating between serious and whimsy. One minute he’s contemplating his own mortality, the next he’s thinking about Alicia Keys. And I thought I was the only one whose mind goes from death to sex in one move!

22. Of Montreal Satanic Panic In The Attic (2004)

My favorite campy album of the decade.

23. Ben Folds Rockin’ The Suburbs (2001)

Whether you want a song about becoming a father or about an acid trip leading to being born again, Ben Folds provides you many options here on a scattered (in a good way) solo debut. I don’t know why he’s still largely seen as a bit of a novelty act in the mainstream music world, but then again we put George W. Bush in office twice this decade, so what the hell do I know about the American people?

24. Eminem The Marshall Mathers LP (2000)

Surprisingly, this has held up well over the years. I love the beats and production work, it’s kind of creepy in an interesting way. And yes, he murders his wife on a track while he leaves his daughter at home as he disposes of the body, but that’s still way more dignified than what Toby Keith did to America on his songs the next year.

25. The Microphones The Glow Pt. 2 (2001)

My favorite quiet album of the decade.

1. Cursive “Rise Up! Rise Up!” (2006)

My favorite call-to-arms song of the decade.

2. Joe Strummer And The Mescaleros “Coma Girl” (2003)

My favorite posthumous song of the decade.

3. M.I.A. “Paper Planes” (2007)

My favorite better-than-the-great-song-that-it-samples song of the decade.

4. The Roots featuring Cody Chesnutt “The Seed (2.0)” (2002)

My favorite birds-and-the-bees song of the decade.

5. The Good Life “Your Birthday Present” (2000)

My favorite bitter song of the decade.

6. The Arcade Fire “Intervention” (2007)

My favorite majestic song of the decade.

7. Talib Kweli “Get By” (2002)

My favorite spiritual song of the decade.

8. R.E.M. “Bad Day” (2003)

My favorite Bush/Reagan bashing song of the decade.

9. The Stills “Still In Love Song” (2003)

My favorite backhanded love song of the decade.

10. The Thermals “Here’s Your Future” (2006)

My favorite Bible song of the decade.

11. Thursday “Understanding In A Car Crash” (2001)

My favorite psych-yourself-up song of the decade.

12. OutKast “Hey Ya!” (2003)

My favorite overplayed song of the decade.

13. Radiohead “2+2=5 (The Lukewarm.)” (2003)

My favorite we’re-going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket song of the decade.

14. The Flaming Lips “Fight Test” (2002)

My favorite jealous song of the decade.

15. Bright Eyes “Four Winds” (2007)

My favorite fiddlin’ song of the decade.

16. Jay-Z “99 Problems” (2003)

My favorite bravado song of the decade.

17. Flight Of The Conchords “If You’re Into It” (2007)

My favorite new wedding song of the decade.

18. Bob Dylan “Ain’t Talkin’” (2006)

My favorite ominous song of the decade.

19. Jimmy Eat World “Bleed American” (2001)

My favorite drug song of the decade.

20. Animal Collective “Peacebone” (2007)

My favorite cheery song of the decade.

21. Trey Parker and Matt Stone “Freedom Isn’t Free” (2004)

My favorite patriotic song of the decade.

22. Devin The Dude “Broccoli & Cheese” (2007)

My favorite food/sex song of the decade.

23. Wu-Tang Clan “Uzi (Pinky Ring)” (2001)

My favorite just-won’t-let-up song of the decade.

24. Lightspeed Champion “Galaxy Of The Lost” (2008)

My favorite reluctant one night stand song of the decade.

25. The New Pornographers “The Bleeding Heart Show” (2005)

My favorite repetitive song of the decade.

From the looks of it, Charlie Kaufman seems to be my MVP and Mark Wahlberg is my MW(orthless)P. That seems about right.

1. High Fidelity (Stephen Frears; 2000)

Ah, the movie that inspired me to start making these lists 9 years ago…High Fidelity is to blame for all of this nonsense for better and (mostly) worse. I don’t think I have any choice but to put this at number one simply because there would be no list without it. Then I might have a normal and healthy hobby like fishing or pornography. I remember making my first favorite films of the year list in 2000 a few minutes before some movie started at a theater. I had recently seen High Fidelity and thought I would take a whirl at it myself. It was a top 5, which John Cusack uses here to rank his favorite side one, track ones and his girlfriends that made the most impact. I like a love story where the relationship doesn’t transform itself into something greater and has a very vague ending like this. Also, I could watch Jack Black’s scenes in this every morning and be in a good mood for the rest of the day. I think I’ll try to figure out how to make all of his lines various ringtones for my alarm clock.

2. WALL•E (Andrew Stanton; 2008)

I’ve only seen the movie once and I almost don’t want to see it again because it might become less perfect in my mind. I love WALL•E’s world, his friendship with the roach, his fascination with Hello, Dolly!, his devotion to EVE. I also love that while we’re watching Pixar’s greatest love story (so far), we’re also being subtly called out for being lazy fat-fucks during it too. So when you see WALL•E get to finally hold EVE’s hand you’ll want to cry, then when you see the shapeless little kids floating around on their pods watching TV non-stop, you’ll cry again.

3. The Squid And The Whale (Noah Baumbach; 2005)

I haven’t seen a film that walks the line between funny, endearing and disturbing as well as this that I can remember. I guess hanging out with Wes Anderson proved to be fruitful for Noah Baumbach, either that or having vindictive and immature parents. They still look like Mike and Carol Brady compared to anyone in the Palin family though.

4. Brick (Rian Johnson; 2006)

This film moves up in my eyes every time I see it. You’re going to need to watch it several times just to understand the plot. That is if you care enough to try and figure it out. No one still knows the plot to The Big Sleep yet. It doesn’t really matter because the characters and the feel of the movie carries the whole thing. Just like any good detective story noir, the plot is just there to hang all of the obsessions onto. Just like your 9th grade girlfriend.

5. Why We Fight (Eugene Jarecki; 2005)

There were a lot of sociopolitical movies that were big in the 00s, but this one seemed to be the most qualitative. President Eisenhower’s worries about the growing military industrial complex were eerily prescient and make for one hell of a final address to a country that’s about to embark on the 1960s. It’s a good thing that his worst fears never came tru…oh, well it’s a good speech nevertheless.

6. Sideways (Alexander Payne; 2004)

My favorite depraved film of the decade.

7. Shattered Glass (Billy Ray; 2003)

I think this one can go into the canon of great journalism films like Alan J. Pakula’s All The President’s Men and Bill Kristol’s WMD Hunt: The Search For Curly’s Gold. Plus, there’s proof here that Hayden Chistensen has the capability to not be one of the worst actors you’ve ever seen. Of course in the cable-news-dominated media landscape, a movie about a guy who makes up his own non-fiction stories comes across as quaint as the people of Sodom and Gomorrah listening to a story about an unwed couple holding hands.

8. The Lives Of Others (Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck; 2006)

My favorite shows-more-than-tells film of the decade.

9. The Royal Tenenbaums (Wes Anderson)

My favorite riches-to-rags film of the decade.

10. Punch-Drunk Love (Paul Thomas Anderson; 2002)

My favorite uneasy-feeling film of the decade.

11. Adaptation (Spike Jonze; 2002)

I love movies about someone committing to a creative task then giving up halfway through it (see also: the Curb Your Enthusiasm special for HBO that came out before the show). I also tend to enjoy movies about making movies of which there are a plethora to choose from. Charlie Kaufman offers some great catharsis for every time you’ve sat a desk trying to come up with something to say and instead ended up yelling at yourself for being worthless followed by throwing your typewriter or computer monitor out the window.

12. Comedian (Christian Charles; 2002)

My favorite horror film of the decade.

13. American Splendor (Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini; 2003)

Kudos to the filmmakers for taking two things that I think are boring: comic books and bio pics, and making something really fresh. Also, bonus points go to them for showing that OCD is not a cute little idiosyncrasy, and something that can be quite debilitating. Like when people in movies have a disease and it’s shown by them coughing and looking slightly less than perfect, this shows the bedsore side of it. Oddly enough, when Harvey Pekar goes through chemo therapy in this, the OCD actually still seems worse.

14. Roger Dodger (Dylan Kidd; 2002)

I love Alfred Hitchcock and the way he wanted to tell stories through pictures rather than dialogue, but I also love a good talky movie. I have no problems with movies that are simply people sitting around talking (like Richard Linklater’s best films) if they’re good of course. If it feels too talky then maybe the conversation isn’t all that interesting. A man taking out his teenage nephew for the night to pick up ladies actually doesn’t sound like a formula for a movie that’s just about people sitting around talking, but if you’ve ever gone out for an evening looking to pick up ladies when you don’t know shit about them, talking is the only thing you’ll be doing all night.

15. Lost In Translation (Sofia Coppola; 2003)

A sexless romance is had by two people in a foreign country who are used to not having sex since they’re both married. It’s nice that Sofia Coppola kept the setting and story simple because there’s such a large world to explore between these two and their Tokyo hotel. The only part that is hard to buy is that someone would actually neglect Scarlett Johansson to go do anything else.

16. Dave Chappelle’s Block Party (Michel Gondry; 2006)

My favorite unapologetically uplifting film of the decade.

17. The Fog Of War (Errol Morris; 2003)

My favorite extended interview film of the decade.

18. Ghost World (Terry Zwigoff; 2001)

My favorite comic book film of the decade.

19. Inside Deep Throat (Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato; 2005)

A movie about porn that actually suggests that it can be fun. Just watch this so you can see the 70-year-old woman coming out a screening of Deep Throat in the 70s saying “I wanted to see a dirty picture” without having to justify it or acting like she just shit on the sidewalk.

20. Match Point (Woody Allen; 2005)

My favorite atheistic film of the decade.

21. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Judd Apatow; 2005)

Even though I still have a big problem with the ending, this is a really fun movie to watch. Steve Carell and Catherine Keener’s chemistry here for me hasn’t been matched by any other couple on this list, with the exception of WALL•E and EVE. We also get to see the relationship between Carell’s character and his new friends develop at the same time his heterosexual one does. Both are pretty sweet (and hot!, I mean nice, they’re both nice…).

22. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (Michel Gondry; 2004)

A lot of people think they wouldn’t make the same decisions again if they could go back with the knowledge they gained in the meantime. This film questions that notion and whether or not that’s a good or bad thing. I enjoyed every movie this decade that Charlie Kaufman wrote (yes, even Human Nature) and have probably the highest hopes for him in the future which will probably be crushed by disappointment at some point. He’s like my cinematic Barack Obama.

23. Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess; 2004)

Everything matches in this film. The music matches the style. The humor matches the odd characters. The frustration matches the fact that it’s 1982 in whatever world this is despite the fact that calendar says it’s 2004.

24. Mulholland Drive (David Lynch; 2001)

My favorite welcome-to-the-jungle film of the decade.

25. Big Fan (Robert Siegel; 2009)

My favorite sports movie of the decade.

1. Elizabethtown (Cameron Crowe; 2005)

Wow, two people enjoy each other’s company, like the same music and talk to each other for long periods of time on the phone. They must be in love. I guess I’m in love with most of my close male friends too. Maybe I’ll make them a mix CD to communicate my feelings for them before they go on road trip. I could just talk to them in person, but that’s for square adults who are out of the loop and don’t use MyFriendsterTwittersonyourFace.com.

2. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (Simon West; 2001)

The only movie that bored me so much that I just started wondering around the multiplex to kill time until my friends were done watching it. Luckily I walked into another theater right in time to see a topless Halle Berry, so the trip wasn’t a complete waste.

3. American Wedding (Jesse Dylan; 2003)

If you’re dating someone and they suggest you watch this to fill a romantic/date night film quota, break up with them immediately. Do not call them, do not go back over to their house to get your sweater you left over there. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Go home and call up your ex with the drinking problem instead and give them another try.

4. The Notebook (Nick Cassavetes; 2004)

My least favorite dementia-can-be-kind-of-adorable film of the decade.

5. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (David Fincher; 2008)

Just like with The Notebook, why is it that people only think to tell their suspiciously fascinating life stories until they’re on their death bed? You mean you could’ve have broken out some of those tales during Thanksgiving dinner 20 years ago when Uncle Eddy was explaining to everyone how a VCR works? Thanks a lot, grandma.

6. Rock Star (Stephen Herek; 2001)

My least favorite Behind The Music film of the decade.

7. The Last Kiss (Tony Goldwyn; 2006)

There’s nothing more annoying than young people talking about how old they are. Everyone in the film is 30 years old and talks about a life that they once knew as if they were all stewardesses in the 1960s 8 years ago. Stop whining, no one told you to move to the suburbs and refurbish a home. Go to Argentina and have an adventure or something. Just get away from the rest of us so we don’t have to listen to you say, “Those were the days” one more goddamned time.

8. W. (Oliver Stone; 2008)

That George W. Bush, he’s a character. I almost get the sense that he doesn’t have the most healthy intellectual curiosity and that his decision-making skills might be a little flawed. Someone should make a movie that sums up his whole life with cliches and simplistic family drama so that we can understand this man. Then we can go back to eating a sandwich.

9. Pearl Harbor (Michael Bay; 2001)

When it came out I thought I was being clever and called this movie Two Guys, A Girl And A War. At least that TV show was still on the air at the time. Oh, that doesn’t make it better? OK. The line still sums up the movie though. It was so bad, there’s a whole song dedicated to its shittiness.

10. World Trade Center (Oliver Stone; 2006)

Rudy-Guliani probably wakes up every morning and watches this before he begins his day. It’s like his workout. The movie is too subtle for his taste and could use more heavy-handedness, but luckily he can just put in his tape of the 9/11/01 broadcast of Fox And Friends.

11. Notorious (George Tillman, Jr.; 2009)

My other least favorite Behind The Music film of the decade.

12. Alex & Emma (Rob Reiner; 2003)

Rob Reiner has been chipping away steadily at the credibility he earned in the first decade of his directorial career for a while now. With this one he jumped up half the board and has almost had his name erased from all copies of The Princess Bride. If he keeps making movies, we’re taking back Stand By Me next.

13. Where The Heart Is (Matt Williams; 2000)

My least favorite Wal-Mart commercial of the decade.

14. Planet Of The Apes (Tim Burton; 2001)

My least favorite unnecessary remake film of the decade (Lord, were there oh so many to pick from too, it’s like picking the saddest reality show of the decade).

15. The Italian Job (F. Gary Gray; 2003)

My least favorite car commercial film of the decade. (Yes, I realize this qualified for the unnecessary remake category as well, but there are commercials for other products in this movie besides cars, like computers and labatomies.)

16. Factory Girl (George Hickenlooper; 2007)

The 60s were a real crazy time, huh? So full of social upheaval and changes in attitudes, it’s a good thing influential people who were there are able to step aside and reflect on the importance of the very moment they’re living in to tell us how important it is. I would say that never happens in real life, but I’m sure VH1 is making a show about this hour right now with all sorts of funny talking heads!

17. The Spirit (Frank Miller; 2008)

My least favorite crappy comic book movie of the decade (a lot to pick from in that pool too).

18. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (George Lucas; 2005)

Writing that is this bad can’t go unpunished. Luckily George Lucas can reminded of how low he’s sunk from his millions of dollars, record-breaking box office numbers and the armies of basement dwellers who remind him of how great he is on internet message boards.

19. Something’s Gotta Give (Nancy Meyers; 2003)

You mean people over the age of 50 are allowed to have sex? Well that’s as cute as a button. Let’s make a movie about that. No, we don’t really need to add anything sort of perspective on it, I told you that it’s old people, that’s the hook damnit. C’mon it will be great. If there’s anything funnier than boners, it’s wrinkled boners! Look, people will see anything on Christmas as long as there is a slightly off-kilter family in the story somewhere. Well of course we’ll have to throw in an illness of some sort…

20. The Butterfly Effect (Eric Bress and J. Mackye Gruber; 2004)

So things you do in life can later have an effect on how things play out? Thanks, Ashton Kutcher! I’m looking forward to next week’s lesson about how when you’re nice to people they tend not to cut you with a knife for no reason. This film also used the cable news formula of trying to drive the message home by making it as loud as possible. Ashton also did us the favor of showing that this was his “serious” role by growing facial hair. Good thing, or else we would’ve been confused and wanted to laugh from years of conditioning thanks to his knee-slapping humor. Actually this movie is one of the funniest things he’s ever done, besides Demi Moore.

21. Love Actually (Richard Curtis; 2003)

This film is so enamored of its own charm that it will make you want to simultaneously renounce Christmas, capitalism, humanity and Liam Neeson. Of course, just plain old Christmas will make you do all of those things. This movie treats adult relationships the same way Meghan McCain treats talking and thinking at the same time.

22. Ray/Walk The Line (Taylor Hackford; 2004/James Mangold; 2005)

It’s a simple formula: take someone who made great music that influenced a lot of people, tie all of their insecurities back to a childhood trauma involving death, show them write one of their signature songs verbatim the moment that they think of it and then make sure that with the love of a good woman and finding Jesus that they never go near drugs or alcohol again. Just like George W. Bush!

23. The Break-Up (Peyton Reed; 2006)

So a couple breaks up because the man is kind of lazy and apathetic while the woman is uptight and petty. Um, how heartbreaking? I guess they think where it gets interesting is when they won’t move out of their luxury apartment they bought together. Oh, rich people and their not-actual problems! Don’t you hate it when you go to the bank and cash in your quarterly dividends check and they want to give you your gobs of money in $500 dollar bills instead of $100s? So annoying…

24. The Box (Richard Kelly; 2009)

I’m trying to think if there’s an actress who is as popular as they are bad of an actress right now like Cameron Diaz is. I don’t think there is. She’s in a class all her own. If there was a hell, mine would involve having to watch cable news and reality shows all day long then coming home to Ms. Diaz and discuss it with her at the dinner table.

25. Wedding Crashers (David Dobkin; 2005)

My least favorite every-frat-boy’s-favorite-movie-of-the-decade film of the decade.