Are you ready for this one? This is the one where they talk about family values and other such things that us mere mortals don’t quite understand. Of course when you’re talking about values having the human butterball made completely out of sludge that is Frank Lutz, things get a bit ridiculous. But at least this isn’t quite as shady as college football!
4:06 - Have you ever wanted to hear the story of how Michele Bachmann came to the Lord? No? Then I wouldn’t read a paper
until she’s out of the race next week.
4:08 - Wow, this marks the first time Rick Perry has sounded eloquent, articulate and sober. He would make a great southern generic pastor. Wait, that’s what he is already. Good show, old man.
4:09 - “Unlike Islam…” - Rick Santorum. How many times do you think we’ll hear that this afternoon?
4:12 - I’m glad to see Newt Gingrich is still insulted whenever someone with a microphone asks him a question, even when he’s feeding the Jesus people (otherwise known as the GOP base) their manna. Shouldn’t this be the one debate he enjoys? Or at least tolerates until he can get his ass back to the VIP section of Tiffany’s?
4:14 - Frank Lutz wants to know what accounts for the “hostility” directed toward a discussion of this topic. Looks like someone just earned his Fox News Christmas bonus. I hope he enjoys his non-kosher, non-hilal fruitcake!
4:17 - People of faith apparently have been intimated by the people of non-faith. So does that mean we have to give up our leather jackets and rolling our cigarettes up in the sleeves of our white t-shirts? Because I still just prefer the look.
4:20 - For a ostensible positive, “spiritual”, touchy-feely event this has already turned into an us v. them fest. The persecution complex of these people knows no bounds, just like their knowledge of how the modern world works.
4:23 - As much of a fuckwad that Rick Santorum and Rick Perry sound like during this thing the truly most disgusting person here is Frank Lutz. He’s the only here I want to see end up homeless which would then be ironic as he would be told to pull himself up by his bootstraps because one of his polls said that plays better in the plains states.
4:24 - “You’re even allowed to be an atheist” - Ron Paul. There’s your libertarian candidate, folks.
4:28 - For as much as the GOP seems to be against everything Islam stands for they certainly both place martyrdom next to godliness.
4:30 - I could have misheard but according to Ron Paul, poor people who are stuck in poverty should meet the consequences of their terrible poor decisions and not ask for the government for help. This could become a good debate since based on this rhetoric they should spend a good 30 minutes bashing that Jesus character.
4:33 - Rick “we’re sitting down, I don’t need no stinkin’ tie” Santorum has mentioned a book he has written in at least 3 answers now. I guess he figures he’s already riding the shit slide down to the bottom so he might as well hawk his snake oil on the way down so he can buy some sarsaparilla when he gets there.
4:35 - Newt Gingrich’s failure to comprehend the message of Occupy Wall Street is maddening not to mention ignorant. I realize that they didn’t pay for the private park they were protesting in, but he seems to be insinuating that they don’t pay for any parks because they are dirty, lazy hippies and pay no taxes. Unlike the fine, upstanding citizens like GE.
4:41 - Oh isn’t that cute? Rick Perry just referenced his fuck-up in the MSNBC debate. Ha ha! “I’m a dumbass, it’s kind of my thing” Guffaw! “I just spout out bullshit catchphrases and talking points that have no meaning whatsoever because that’s what people like Frank Lutz have taught us to do” Tee hee! “You should just be glad I remembered to wear pants to this goddamn thing because I’m two sheets to the motherfuckin’ wind at this point” Stop it - you’re killing us!
4:45 - Oh, Rick Santorum. Why even bother comparing gay marriage to slavery? What really comes of it? You know you’re just going to get your ass hammered on the internet on Monday. Not that you support ass hammering of any kind. Nope. Never. Not even on the nights when he’s out on the road all by himself with no one to keep him company except for that strapping 24-year-old aid working on his campaign who looks quite dashing in a blue sweater.
4:47 - You can only watch this debate online so if you’re doing that for some god forsaken reason you’ll notice that they seated Ron Paul at the head of the table so he’s facing everyone sideways the entire time. I’m guessing the debate people originally had him sitting outside in the parking lot at first and he negotiated himself to practically the kids table by using some good old fashioned Texas moxie.
4:51 - According to Michele Bachmann every human being is created in the image of God. Man, he must be one ugly bastard then. Have you seen some people out there? And they all look like him? Does that mean he has 14 billion nipples?
4:53 - In case you were unaware, these people do not like abortion one bit. What do you think the odds of them bringing up the fact that Mississippi, one of the most red states around, rejected the personhood amendment last week? Same odds that Newt Ginrich might connect emotionally tonight with someone who loves him? You’d be right!
4:57 - Just so you know, Newt Ginrich thinks traditional values means not inviting gays and lesbians to adopt tons of needy children who could use a loving home. How many non-straight, non-white, non-males want to live in Gringrich’s ideal world? Anybody? Anybody at all. Just a simple show of hands. OK, I’m going to assume all of your arms are asleep. Moving on…
5:01 - Whoa - a gallon of gas was $1.79 on the day Barack Obama took office? Where the hell was that, Ms. Bachmann? Oh wait, she’s thinking of how much Marcus Bachmann charged to guzzle a gallon of sperm while being tickled by a boa feather. Considering the inflation to his prices since then I’d say that’s a steal.
5:04 - Frank Lutz has given them all a five minute break so they can prepare to be asked about their own sins and why they believe what they believe. I’m going to take advantage of this time by going ahead and dying my hair gray now so I can save my nerves the trouble of doing it to my follicles during this abomination.
5:10 - I just realized that this thing is at a fuckin’ church. Maybe that’s why they have seemed the most natural and at ease here than in any environment we’ve seen them all so far.
5:12 - Herman Cain is getting choked up about talking about his cancer diagnosis. This is the first time I’ve seen him be real. I like it. If he works a 9-9-9 reference into this goddamn story I will personally kick him in the balls.
5:15 - Rick Perry’s sense of right and wrong was shaped by his experience as a boy in 4-H which he failed to mention is administered by the Department of Agriculture. So maybe that was the third agency he was intentionally blanking on.
5:16 - Perry’s use of the phrase “the Lord Jesus Christ” was eerily perfect for this crowd and immediately took me back to my Christian school days. I flashed back so hard there for a second I stopped listening to what he was talking about and started to wonder what the Hostess product situation in the vending machine was.
5:20 - Ron Paul’s personal history involved hardly any Jesus talk and made me feel the most comfortable and intrigued. He’s the guy at the Thanksgiving table I’d like to sit next to because I think his asides and stories would be the most interesting but if he were president I’d sleep with one eye open.
5:24 - The way Rick Santorum answers his questions is like he knows he’s simply coughing up bile but this is all he’s got and if he doesn’t go through with this the bomb that’s been planted inside of him might go off like he’s the bus in Speed.
5:29 - You know how that gaffe of Rick Perry’s at the CNBC debate ruined him and turned someone who was already irrelevant into a bigger joke? This Rick Santorum baby story is the opposite of that. This crowd is riveted. And so am I quite frankly. But now that he’s cynically worked that whole routine into a health care jibe I would just like to invite him to fuck himself.
5:32 - Newt is going to get into the near death baby story tell off too. This is turning into some sort of thinly veiled anti-choice Def Poetry Jam.
5:34 - Oh and Newt pretending to get choked up is about as believable as Frank Lutz having a salad for dinner tonight before going home to his loving wife and not a $9 hooker.
5:38 - Newt has caused a great deal of pain in the lives of others. So he’s either talking about the 2 wives he left for other women or the thousands of people who have sat in an enclosed space while sounds have come out of his bullshit-lined mouth.
5:41 - Ron Paul’s personal flaw is that he was a good athlete as a teenager and injured himself so he couldn’t go on to greatness in track, football and/or baseball. Oh yes, and his penis is just too damn enormous.
5:44 - This is turning into an exercise in humility. Herman Cain’s flaw is that he was just so stinkin’ successful during his life making money and thinking of innovative tax plans that he didn’t have enough time at home to make his maid feel uncomfortable.
5:45 - Rick Perry’s new strategy can be summed up thusly: “Fuck it: I’m a moron with enough charm to make you laugh for a few seconds before one of these other people talk about substance*.”
*substance a relative word in this world
5:49 - Does anyone know Rick Santorum’s view on abortion and gay marriage? I can’t really seem to get a clear view from him on these things because he’s so nuanced about it. Plus he doesn’t seem to want to talk about them very much. I wish we could get a little more out of him on the subject.
5:52 - Michele Bachmann will get behind the DOMA law. No word yet on what her husband will get behind…you know the rest.
5:53 - Why does Frank Luntz keep leaving his asinine questions to the candidates with his constant, “Anyone?” It’s your job to make these fuckers answer the questions that you wrote, dipshit! Why are you such a shit?
5:55 - Newt Gingrich just made sure that happiness in the 18th century didn’t mean what the humans nowadays think it involves. So join up with the Gingrich 2012 campaign today: Happiness Without Joy!
5:57 - Two hours in and we have the first mention of a flat tax rate by Rick Perry. So you could sit through this thing with your skin crawling but in a different direction than it usually does with this ass clowns.
5:59 - Rick Santorum’s rejection of birth control qualifies him to wield expertise on the subject of education. I’m not making that up.
6:02 - Why isn’t this over with yet? I have a strange urge to get out of the house and marry a man, abort a fetus and wear non-pleated pants.
6:04 - What the hell is this? Frank Lutz is asking a complex question about the morality of killing in a war? Frank, do you not know who you are? No one would really bat an eye if you started flinging your excrement on the walls. I’m sure that instead of peanuts it would contain chunks of poll numbers and shame.
6:07 - Michele Bachmann: “The number one duty of the president is to protect the public*.”
*Not applicable if their safety is impeded by health, poverty, discrimination, religious persecution (except Christians, of course who are constantly being persecuted in America) or sexual orientation.
6:12 - I was about to compliment Rick Santorum for making sense and having a reasonable point about our relationship to the Middle East but then he has to go and keep talking so we’ll be returning to shitting on him, which I’m guessing he’s really into.
6:16 - Tough talk about Iran. But you have to come across that way when you’re a newbie or else you end up being traded for cigarettes which Frank Lutz will then smoke as he eats raw beef in his hotel bed while watching Weekend At Bernie’s for the 34th time.
I just aged 13 years in 2 hours and 15 minutes. For the love of God do not let Frank Lutz ever do anything again that involves talking or thinking. If anyone else sat through that thing and isn’t already halfway to Canada by now, let me know what you think then let me know that you’re not some sort of cyborg here to deplete us of our natural resources and Gatorade.