Live Blogging the NBC News Florida Republican Presidential Debate by Matt Payton
Man, it seems like we just had one of these a week ago. Actually there’s been 47 of them since then so I figure I’ll tune into this one to see how far the monkeys have learned to fling their poo at each other. When we last checked in on these boys Mitt Romney was unquestionable front runner. Much like a profitable movie franchise, the people who stand to make the most money off this are going to stretch the ending of this race out as long as possible. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will make an appearance while Ron Paul talks about how glorious life will be without libraries.
C-SPAN is showing George Bush’s 1992 State of the Union address right now and it’s interesting to watch. First, he came out and didn’t start off with saying the state of the union is strong but instead made self-deprecating jokes about how his wife was more popular than him and throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. Now he’s bragging about cutting defense spending. So does this mean we’ll be looking back at Rick Santorum in 20 years and chuckle about how he sounds in retrospect? Hopefully our cyborg overlords will allow us to access our history.
8:01 - I really don’t like Brian Williams. Mostly because he becomes aroused at the smell of his own farts. And either put your glasses down or where them shits, stop playing with them like they’re a stress ball.
8:04 - Newt Gingrich doesn’t seem to want to bitch slap the moderator in the face this time, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The night is young and that insulin wears off real fast.
8:06 - Mitt Romney is rightly highlighting the fact that Newt resigned as the Speaker of the House in disgrace. I really have been struggling for the last week to decide which of these two is the more disgusting one. That is a brain teaser if I’ve ever heard one.
8:09 - Brian Williams just called out Romney for being negative after saying he wouldn’t be even though all Williams has asked about so far is a variation of “Just how much of a dickhead do you think Newt Gingrich really is?” If we were in another time Williams would be hosting a game show. Oh wait, he is!
8:12 - How long before they’ll let Ron Paul talk? I’ll bet somewhere around 9:42 but it will be during a commercial break and he’ll ask if he can refill his bag of beef jerky.
8:16 - Ron Paul has no plans to run as a third party candidate and I hope he doesn’t rule out the possibility of being a character actor. If Howard Hawks were around today he could put that man to good use.
8:20 - Romney is bragging about the fact that he doesn’t overpay his taxes. Isn’t that like bragging that your mailman comes to your house no more than once a day?
8:22 - These guys keep talking to each other like they’re bickering but they’re actually agreeing and there’s a bit of camaraderie that comes across but as a surprise to both parties talking. I get a feeling that NBC is trying to suck all of the train wreck excitement that came out last week in South Carolina.
8:25 - What is this with Rick Santorum making a worthwhile point about being pro-capitalism and supporting the Wall Street bailouts? I can’t handle him not spewing bile when he talks. It’s just too jarring.
8:29 - Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich keep trying to call each other out. Fat cat fight!
8:30 - Romney is just an annoying gnat in the face of Gingrich which he keeps trying to swat away but keeps accidentally eating.
8:33 - Why is this so decaffeinated? They’ve somehow made a GOP Presidential debate come across as more dry and nap inducing than a GOP Presidential debate.
8:34 - Commercial break. I need some Ritalin.
8:37 - God help us. NBC is live streaming comments people are making on the internet about the debate. What kind of loser comments in real time over the internet to tell people what they think about what they’re watching? How arrogant is that? Wait a second…
8:42 - “Markets have to have regulation to work” - Mitt Romney. If this were South Carolina he would’ve been tarred and feathered by now. What kind of radical, left-wing thing is he going to say next, “Poor people may not be the devil”?
8:45 - Still haven’t seen Brian Williams use those damn glasses he always is holding. Maybe he lost them along with his pride to be working for the fourth estate.
8:51 - Dumbest answer of the night (so far): “How do you end a war in Afghanistan without talking to the Taliban?”-Brian Williams “By beating them?”-Mitt Romney. Yes, he said it as a question. Simple as that. Thanks, Mitt. Nailed it!
8:54 - Ron Paul thinks it’s utterly foolish to attack Iran at this juncture although he’s dead set on getting us back on the gold standard. Ah, juxtaposition.
8:58 - Brian Williams has brought people in to help him ask questions. They seem to be involved in a field Williams should check out sometime: journalism.
9:00 - Rick Santorum does not like Iran. Granted he doesn’t like much in this world, but them he really does not care for.
9:02 - The female journalist has asked a question about the BP oil spill and like clockwork Santorum has worked the Keystone pipeline into his answer as some sort of energy savior. Now if only he can get sodomy in there he’ll be able to sleep tonight.
9:04 - These guys think other languages are cute and all but if you don’t speak English then you’ll just learn like that. You can take off from your busy schedule to do that can’t you?
9:10 - This might be the most boring presidential debate I’ve ever seen. And I go to all the local girl scout chapter’s presidential debates. Somehow Ron Paul always is always in those too.
9:15 - Don’t get me wrong, that South Carolina crowd last week was abhorrent and it got me fantasizing about having a debate with no crowd at all but this just feels like a high school graduation where the principle tells you to not clap for your brother or not to show emotion of any kind. The screamers are awful and annoying but keeping everyone quiet like they’re McMurphy at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest just feels wrong.
9:19 - Why the hell are they debating Terri Schiavo? I thought we moved on from that one. Let’s ask them what they thought about the O.J. trial after this, then maybe a moment of silence for the Hindenburg victims.
9:21 - Do these two newspaper reporters work for a high school paper? Their questions and presentation certainly would make more sense. They totally have to get their story turned into Mrs. Hoover tomorrow by third period or else they won’t get to go to the skate party Wednesday night.
9:24 - There’s a legitimate question: how come the Bush tax cuts didn’t work? Newt Gingrich answers that by somehow involving 9/11 in the answer and how it helped us from going off a cliff or something. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about but then again I think I’ve been sleep-typing for the last half hour.
9:30 - According to Mitt Romney raising a family is something you can do to contribute to the soul of conservatism in America. That’s a conservative act apparently. What else is he going to claim? Drinking water? Wearing shirts? Hating Katy Perry?
9:34 - Rick Santorum is going after Romney and Gingrich for supporting old Republican ideas that later on Democrats proposed and the new Republicans reacted with outrage. This could help my theory that Santorum is a 6-year-old boy.
9:37 - Did Ron Paul just get the biggest applause of the night for saying that following the Constitution will turn us all into conservatives? I heard at least 8 people clapping but that could’ve been a result of them watching Kramer enter Jerry’s kitchen on an old Seinfeld rerun they’re watching on someone’s laptop.
9:40 - Is it done now? Oh thank the Republican Jesus, i.e the real one. Thank you so much - I’ll never curse the name of Ronald Reagan again. Just get me out of here. Oh wait, my shirt is torn on this rock! Who cares, I’ll replace it later just run!
I now am going to dunk my head into a tub full of bleach. I don’t know why but I know it will provide me more answers than the last hour and forty minutes did. I have to change the channel quickly because Dick Gregory is talking and he makes Brian Williams look like a wise old sage. Let’s meet back here for another debate, shall we? I’m guessing in about 27 minutes or so.
