Not-So-Live Blogging The 2012 State of the Union Address by Matt Payton
I was out tonight while the SOTU was on the tevee box but I taped C-SPAN while I was gone and since I have a medical condition that doesn’t allow me to watch political speeches or debates without making sarcastic comments in some form I’m “live” blogging this a couple hours late. Someone tell me quick in the comments: did Obama propose a new law that requires all white people to be wearing some form of argyle at all times? I could live with that. I’m ready to get started if you are, just let me say my pre-speech prayer to myself. OK, that was mostly my grocery shopping list so I’m good to go. Let us begin.
11:24 - If you watch the address on C-SPAN they show all the chatter and elbow rubbing that happens while everyone’s waiting for the president to show up. Kind of interesting and it beats whatever insights Chuck Todd pulls out of his unnecessary ass.
11:27 - John Boehner and Joe Biden are standing up in their little booth trying to come up with topics to pretend to talk about for the cameras. Maybe barbecue or Dockers? I can’t tell.
11:29 - Now they’re taking roll call. Who wants to bet that Scott Brown will be the guy who says “present” after 30 people say “here”?
11:31 - Okay I’m fast forwarding through some of this early protocol stuff because it’s as awkward as a high school assembly without the sex appeal.
11:33 - I had to stop on Gabrielle Giffords. She really looks great and seems glad to be there. I wonder if she’s retiring so she can work on her new hip-hop album.
11:35 - Barack has entered the room but I didn’t hear anyone introduce him. How am I supposed to know who’s entering the room? I mean, there are 5 other black people there so I need to be sure.
11:37 - Does everyone have to keep clapping while Obama does a stop-n-chat with everyone who shakes his hand? I would be severely annoyed if I were expected to keep clapping for 10 goddamn minutes.
11:39 - Obama gave Biden and Boehner two oversized envelopes. Were those their paychecks? Is that how these guys get paid? Because I would love it if the president had to hand out everyone in this room’s checks to them every week.
11:42 - “For the first time in nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq.” What about the Blackwater guys over there right now fighting over the prostitute they split for the night? Dennis should clearly get firsties.
11:42 - Only took a couple minutes to mention that Bin Laden is dead. I think I just heard the Republicans all whisper, “Oh shit, he’s probably going to keep bringing that up this year, won’t he?”
11:44 - Wow, he’s using the military as an example of working together that could be possible in Washington. I like it. And cue Joe Wilson in 5…4….3…
11:47 - Damn, he just started and he’s already talking about the wealth gap. I thought he’d through in a little anecdotal foreplay before the sex started but it’s a pleasant surprise nonetheless.
11:51 - Obama doesn’t want to return to the very policies that brought on the financial crisis but having the guys who worked for the companies who caused it work in the White House shouldn’t create a conflict of interest.
11:53 - Here’s a drinking game for people in AA: every time the President mentions public transportation while talking about the auto industry’s progress take a big ol’ swig.
11:55 - Is he complaining about the corporate tax rate? Easy, you don’t want to make the Republican response too redundant.
11:59 - If the playing field is level and America will always win then how is it level? Sorry, I was just staring at a M.C. Escher painting.
12:01 - I didn’t quite catch who that lady is sitting next to Michelle Obama but I’m going to assume she used to be in some sort of female power trio band in the 90s. She was the bass player.
12:03 - Apparently everyone can point to a teacher who changed the path of their lives. Maybe that’s my problem, I only had ones that changed their path when they saw me coming in their direction down the hallway.
12:06 - He’s putting colleges and universities on notice. As well he should. Hopefully they’ll hear him while they’re busy making cannonballs in their pool of money, Scrooge McDuck-style.
12:08 - It’s so ridiculous that he even has to say that women should earn equal pay. It’s 2012 for fuck’s sake, can’t we at least start to work on not being embarrassed when our grandkids call us out on this shit before they get here?
12:11 - Hillary Clinton looks like she is so over this. I wonder if she still calls Obama “kid” or just grunts at him and mumbles to herself, “It shoulda been me, man.”
12:15 - Whoa, it’s time to end subsidizing the oil industry because they have enough money? You just gave Newt Gingrich a whole new 20 minutes of his act.
12:19 - I can’t quite gauge who’s not clapping for using the Iraq War money to fund construction projects because this sea of old white people is quite hard to discern. Let me narrow it down: they looked like golfers.
12:22 - Obama enacted fewer regulations than the Bush administration did. A great fact that will be ignored by half the people in this room for the next 10 months.
12:25 - We’re not bailing out irresponsible financial institutions anymore that is unless they tie themselves so closely to our economy and become so obese that we have no choice. So there!
12:29 - Did he just almost say “no shit”? How great would that have been? I’ve never wanted to see someone lose it and go off on people so much as I have when I watch this man. Maybe when his Oval Office tapes come out someday we’ll get to hear it. And probably less talk about the Jews than the Nixon ones had.
12:31 - Rich people should pay more while non-rich people shouldn’t. In any other civilized western country this is greeted with a “duh” and here it is greeted with a picture of Karl Marx and a misspelled pun.
12:34 - Is somebody booing the proposal of banning insider training within Congress? At first I thought it was whooing but it sounded like booing to me. Maybe it was just a lobbyist from some horrible industry ejaculating on the face of Max Baucus.
12:38 - A smarter, more effective government: sounds great. If only it wasn’t left up to the cretins in this room then we’d have something to be optimistic about. I mean, besides gelato season.
12:42 - We’re going to kick Iran’s ass: huge applause. But doing it peacefully is still the best option: one guy clapping which may or may not have been an attempt to kill a fly.
12:48 - I like Obama’s subtle bragging about ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and he doesn’t need to be subtle about it. He should point that out as often as reminding people that Bin Laden died of a shot to the eyeball.
12:50 - He wrapped that up quick. Now there’s more hand shaking before the President goes home to sleep in a giant tub full of Purell. He’ll need it too because the stench of Dick Durbin won’t come off for weeks.
And now it’s time to go to sleep while visions of green energy sources and fair trade agreements dance through your head. Sure, they can be wearing hose if that will help. I would stay up and watch the Republican response but we all already know what it will be and probably has been written for at least 6 months so why bother? Good night.
