I may or may not have taped this to my neighbor’s door after being awoken at 5AM for an hour long drunken croquet game outside my window:
Dear croquet playing assholes,
Everyone really appreciates you yelling like inconsiderate dickheads at 5AM. No one is trying to sleep at that time of morning so your retarded ramblings were perfect for the occasion! Do you think you could make your really loud scholarly debates a daily occurrence? Because a lot of us who are trying to sleep would really prefer to wake up to the sounds of drunken frat boys pathetically running out the clock in their meaningless lives than a boring old alarm clock!
Of course we don’t want to just take from you and not give anything back. So let the rest of the alley know when you all go to sleep so we can all act like psychopaths with no empathy for other human beings at the same time. I’m sure you would be delighted as the rest of us to just lie in bed listening to a gang of morons loudly pontificate about the bullshit they choose to concern themselves with so they don’t have to reflect on how sad they appear to sober, sane citizens of the world.
So great job guys – keep up the good work! You’ll be getting a “Neighbor Of The Year” award form in the mail soon. Be sure to check on the box marked “Waste Of Human Flesh” in the gender section and to sign and date before mailing back the form. Of course that assumes you’re literate which is a bit of a stretch judging from the drivel that was coming out of your mouths while everyone else was trying to sleep peacefully.
Sincerely,
Your neighbors
