Matt Payton's Tumble-o-rama

Live Blogging the NBC News Florida Republican Presidential Debate by Matt Payton

Man, it seems like we just had one of these a week ago. Actually there’s been 47 of them since then so I figure I’ll tune into this one to see how far the monkeys have learned to fling their poo at each other. When we last checked in on these boys Mitt Romney was unquestionable front runner. Much like a profitable movie franchise, the people who stand to make the most money off this are going to stretch the ending of this race out as long as possible. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will make an appearance while Ron Paul talks about how glorious life will be without libraries. 

C-SPAN is showing George Bush’s 1992 State of the Union address right now and it’s interesting to watch. First, he came out and didn’t start off with saying the state of the union is strong but instead made self-deprecating jokes about how his wife was more popular than him and throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. Now he’s bragging about cutting defense spending. So does this mean we’ll be looking back at Rick Santorum in 20 years and chuckle about how he sounds in retrospect? Hopefully our cyborg overlords will allow us to access our history. 

8:01 - I really don’t like Brian Williams. Mostly because he becomes aroused at the smell of his own farts. And either put your glasses down or where them shits, stop playing with them like they’re a stress ball. 

8:04 - Newt Gingrich doesn’t seem to want to bitch slap the moderator in the face this time, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The night is young and that insulin wears off real fast. 

8:06 - Mitt Romney is rightly highlighting the fact that Newt resigned as the Speaker of the House in disgrace. I really have been struggling for the last week to decide which of these two is the more disgusting one. That is a brain teaser if I’ve ever heard one. 

8:09 - Brian Williams just called out Romney for being negative after saying he wouldn’t be even though all Williams has asked about so far is a variation of “Just how much of a dickhead do you think Newt Gingrich really is?” If we were in another time Williams would be hosting a game show. Oh wait, he is!

8:12 - How long before they’ll let Ron Paul talk? I’ll bet somewhere around 9:42 but it will be during a commercial break and he’ll ask if he can refill his bag of beef jerky. 

8:16 - Ron Paul has no plans to run as a third party candidate and I hope he doesn’t rule out the possibility of being a character actor. If Howard Hawks were around today he could put that man to good use. 

8:20 - Romney is bragging about the fact that he doesn’t overpay his taxes. Isn’t that like bragging that your mailman comes to your house no more than once a day?

8:22 - These guys keep talking to each other like they’re bickering but they’re actually agreeing and there’s a bit of camaraderie that comes across but as a surprise to both parties talking. I get a feeling that NBC is trying to suck all of the train wreck excitement that came out last week in South Carolina. 

8:25 - What is this with Rick Santorum making a worthwhile point about being pro-capitalism and supporting the Wall Street bailouts? I can’t handle him not spewing bile when he talks. It’s just too jarring. 

8:29 - Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich keep trying to call each other out. Fat cat fight!

8:30 - Romney is just an annoying gnat in the face of Gingrich which he keeps trying to swat away but keeps accidentally eating. 

8:33 - Why is this so decaffeinated? They’ve somehow made a GOP Presidential debate come across as more dry and nap inducing than a GOP Presidential debate. 

8:34 - Commercial break. I need some Ritalin. 

8:37 - God help us. NBC is live streaming comments people are making on the internet about the debate. What kind of loser comments in real time over the internet to tell people what they think about what they’re watching? How arrogant is that? Wait a second…

8:42 - “Markets have to have regulation to work” - Mitt Romney. If this were South Carolina he would’ve been tarred and feathered by now. What kind of radical, left-wing thing is he going to say next, “Poor people may not be the devil”?

8:45 - Still haven’t seen Brian Williams use those damn glasses he always is holding. Maybe he lost them along with his pride to be working for the fourth estate. 

8:51 - Dumbest answer of the night (so far): “How do you end a war in Afghanistan without talking to the Taliban?”-Brian Williams “By beating them?”-Mitt Romney. Yes, he said it as a question. Simple as that. Thanks, Mitt. Nailed it!

8:54 - Ron Paul thinks it’s utterly foolish to attack Iran at this juncture although he’s dead set on getting us back on the gold standard. Ah, juxtaposition. 

8:58 - Brian Williams has brought people in to help him ask questions. They seem to be involved in a field Williams should check out sometime: journalism. 

9:00 - Rick Santorum does not like Iran. Granted he doesn’t like much in this world, but them he really does not care for. 

9:02 - The female journalist has asked a question about the BP oil spill and like clockwork Santorum has worked the Keystone pipeline into his answer as some sort of energy savior. Now if only he can get sodomy in there he’ll be able to sleep tonight. 

9:04 - These guys think other languages are cute and all but if you don’t speak English then you’ll just learn like that. You can take off from your busy schedule to do that can’t you? 

9:10 - This might be the most boring presidential debate I’ve ever seen. And I go to all the local girl scout chapter’s presidential debates. Somehow Ron Paul always is always in those too. 

9:15 - Don’t get me wrong, that South Carolina crowd last week was abhorrent and it got me fantasizing about having a debate with no crowd at all but this just feels like a high school graduation where the principle tells you to not clap for your brother or not to show emotion of any kind. The screamers are awful and annoying but keeping everyone quiet like they’re McMurphy at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest just feels wrong. 

9:19 - Why the hell are they debating Terri Schiavo? I thought we moved on from that one. Let’s ask them what they thought about the O.J. trial after this, then maybe a moment of silence for the Hindenburg victims. 

9:21 - Do these two newspaper reporters work for a high school paper? Their questions and presentation certainly would make more sense. They totally have to get their story turned into Mrs. Hoover tomorrow by third period or else they won’t get to go to the skate party Wednesday night. 

9:24 - There’s a legitimate question: how come the Bush tax cuts didn’t work? Newt Gingrich answers that by somehow involving 9/11 in the answer and how it helped us from going off a cliff or something. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about but then again I think I’ve been sleep-typing for the last half hour. 

9:30 - According to Mitt Romney raising a family is something you can do to contribute to the soul of conservatism in America. That’s a conservative act apparently. What else is he going to claim? Drinking water? Wearing shirts? Hating Katy Perry?

9:34 - Rick Santorum is going after Romney and Gingrich for supporting old Republican ideas that later on Democrats proposed and the new Republicans reacted with outrage. This could help my theory that Santorum is a 6-year-old boy. 

9:37 - Did Ron Paul just get the biggest applause of the night for saying that following the Constitution will turn us all into conservatives? I heard at least 8 people clapping but that could’ve been a result of them watching Kramer enter Jerry’s kitchen on an old Seinfeld rerun they’re watching on someone’s laptop. 

9:40 - Is it done now? Oh thank the Republican Jesus, i.e the real one. Thank you so much - I’ll never curse the name of Ronald Reagan again. Just get me out of here. Oh wait, my shirt is torn on this rock! Who cares, I’ll replace it later just run!

I now am going to dunk my head into a tub full of bleach. I don’t know why but I know it will provide me more answers than the last hour and forty minutes did. I have to change the channel quickly because Dick Gregory is talking and he makes Brian Williams look like a wise old sage. Let’s meet back here for another debate, shall we? I’m guessing in about 27 minutes or so. 

Live Blogging the Fox News South Carolina GOP Debate by Matt Payton

Huntsman’s out. So I guess if you want to hear from an adult during this thing I suggest you call up your mom and put her on the speaker phone. Brent Baier is trying to pretend that his network wouldn’t call for Martin Luther King Jr.’s head on a stick if he were alive today right now so this is as good of a time as any to get started. 

8:03 - Romney and Gingrich standing next to each other look to me like some sort of joyless Laurel & Hardy. I really want to see them sleep in the same room and Romney wear a nightcap. “Good night, Newt. Good night, Mittens.”

8:07 - When Mitt Romney confesses to a murder I imagine that he’s this matter-of-fact about it. “A poor person looked at me the wrong way so I got a knife, stuck it in his stomach, watched him bleed to death and then had a chicken salad sandwich. What?”

8:10 - Rick Perry is clinging to being in this thing like a turd after a particularly satisfying barbecue meal. I’m pretty sure that’s on one of his lawn signs in Houston. 

8:11 - Romney is running to crack down on cheaters. Better watch your back, Newt. Boom! 

8:12 - The bald guy with a beard who looks like a scrappier and slightly less suicidal Ben Bernanke is going to be getting his head shoved into a toilet later by Rick Perry while Gingrich and Romney hold his body and Ron Paul stands behind them and pretends they’re not going to do it to him afterward. 

8:14 - The hot lady in the blue dress is recognizing that Ron Paul exists. Tomorrow she’ll use this for indie cred in the office and brag about that one time she listened to Arcade Fire while on line at Starbucks. 

8:16 - Oh yeah, Rick Santorum is still around. I completely forgot about that dude. Just like that one guy will soon…what’s his name….oh yeah, America. 

8:18 - Oh shit, Santorum is going to verbally smack a bitch. He’s going to ask his wife later if she saw that part before he confidently has missionary-position sex with her for the 15 seconds in between the end of the local news and when Jay Leno’s monologue starts. 

8:21 - Wait, Romney is against Super PACs and the way these campaigns are financed? Isn’t that like Lex Luthor speaking out against kryptonite?

8:22 - Rick Perry thinks that Romney and Santorum are insiders. His aides haven’t yet informed him that he’s also in the race. His candidacy makes so much more sense now. 

8:24 - Let’s see companies buy advertising time during this: Infiniti (sure, cars for people with money), CSX (never heard of it, don’t care enough to look), Brother printers (to print off pictures of Barack Obama in African tribal garb), ThermaCare (old people’s backs hurt especially when full of hate), some sort of joint medication (same), Bertlitz (it helps you learn a new language I guess - so you can order your gardener around more efficiently). Makes sense. 

8:30 - Romney has that trait that a lot of pastors always did for me: equally boring, cocky, dumb and rage-inducing all at the same time. It’s a talent. 

8:32 - “The state of Texas is under assault from the federal government” - Rick Perry. Man, this guy is as good at stoking Southern paranoia as he is at mixing a stiff drink. Although it seems he’s only had a half dozen tonight which is pretty damn sober for him.

8:34 - I can’t believe I’m saying this but can we hear something from Newt Gingrich now? I want to switch from depression to anger. 

8:36 - I spoke too soon. Newt wants people who collect unemployment insurance to have a mandatory job training program…and that’s it. No details about how that would work or what field or what “business” would run this thing. Maybe someone could get a job to deflate him in the evenings. Nah, that would require way too much training. 

8:41 - What do you think the odds are that Ron Paul at one time had the largest rubber band ball west of the Mississippi?

8:44 - Ron Paul is working hard on building that bridge the utopia that was America pre-1913. I’ll be right back, I just have to go press my favorite malaria outfit. 

8:45 - The crowd is booing the fact that Juan Williams even dares to mention that Mitt Romney has Mexican heritage. How are these buffoons not treated like hecklers at a comedy club? That’s one of the things lacking in the modern GOP: embarrassment. 

8:48 - Rick Santorum thinks all you need to do to avoid poverty is work, graduate high school and get married before having children. I love that work is the first answer. “All you need to do to avoid being a virgin is 1) get laid 2) stop listening to Rush and 3) brush your teeth every once in a while.”

8:51 - Who’s that making a sensible argument about the drug war as it relates to race the prison industrial complex? Ron Paul: ix-nay on the ogic-lay.

8:52 - God, Newt Gingrich is fucking gross. So is this crowd. Cheering for a man who stands by his ignorant and racist statements. Juan Williams seems to actually be trying to hold some of these assholes’ feet to the fire and Newt just goes into detail about his poor-people-should-just-clean-shit-up plan. Fuck him. 

8:55 - “More people have been put on food stamps by Barack Obama that any other president in history” -Newt Gingrich. He found that fact in the same place God sends sinners to live for eternity: his ass. 

9:01 - Ron Paul is being forced to defend his comment about having any respect for international law. In Republican-land that’s like implying you wouldn’t mind if the Pope came on your face.

9:02 - Brent Baier shouldn’t have this job. He should go back to his old job of being the little man that comes in every box of Legos you’ve ever bought. 

9:04 - If Ron Paul keeps making sense in his arguments about our foreign policy Brent Baier is going to start his period and the crowd is going to roast Mr. Paul like a pig on Hawaiian TV specials. 

9:06 - The golden rule is literally booed among the Republican base. The goddamn golden rule! Do these people sit around and watch Leave It Beaver and when Ward tells Wally his moral lesson at the end do they all shout “bullshit!”?

9:12 - Rick Perry is being asked about Turkey still being included in NATO. The thought bubble above his head right now is filled with Smarties candy and a kick line from 1938. 

9:14 - Rick Perry just made a joke about Ron Paul being gonged that was actually somewhat funny. Ron Paul looks perplexed mostly because he hasn’t watched the radiation box since Jack Paar walked off the Tonight Show when he couldn’t tell a joke about a water closet. 

9:16 - Now Ron Paul is pointing out that the Taliban used to be our allies and that Al Qaeda and the Taliban are seperate. Or in other words, he’s tap dancing on his own GOP electability grave. 

9:17 - This crowd, ugh. How bad is it when the candidates are the least disgusting people in the room?

9:18 - The hot lady in the blue dress is so over this. She’s just waiting for Megyn Kelly to go back to her rap career so she can get in there and entertain stoned college kids skipping class. 

9:22 - Isn’t Congress already part-time? What’s next? Is Perry going to suggest that the Post Office have fewer people working the counter when you go in just to send off a simple package and end up going through the whole day’s New York Times on your phone while having to pee like a bastard and then that lady with her awful kids is in front of you and…

9:27 - Only two references to Ronald Reagan this evening by my count. What’s going on guys? Too busy reading The Nation and e-mailing Sean Penn to give The Gipper a shout-out every 30 seconds? Sheesh. 

9:30 - Every time Rick Santorum finishes a rant he has this smug little look on his face that either reads “Nailed it!” or “Is this the face you make after finishing a grown up sentence?”. 

9:33 - No taxes on dividends or capital gains, Newt? While you’re at it why not throw in no sales tax on yachts, scooners and Grey Poupon? 

9:37 - Here come the questions about guns. Gentlemen, get out your tiny, tiny cocks!

9:39 - Only at this debate do you have to answer how many animals you’ve killed in the last few years and if you haven’t you might as well put on a prom dress. 

9:41 - These guys are really threatened by Ron Paul. I’m not sure why since Fox News has done everything but add a digital clown wig to his head. 

9:45 - Newt doesn’t care much for Romney’s Super PAC attack ad against him. Romney is pretending like he doesn’t talk to them and like he has the ability to give a shit. 

9:47 - “We all would like Super PACs to disapear” -Mitt Romney. In a night chop full of it that has to be the biggest load of horseshit South Carolina has ever seen. And they had a horse shitting convention in Charleston last week. 

9:50 - Wait, what is this with Newt Gingrich making a good point about the failure of No Child Left Behind? Surely he’s about to suggest that immigrant kids just learn how to count by how many grapes they can stuff into his mouth, right? He can’t just leave us hanging like this. 

It’s over. Not just the debate but my hope for humanity. I need to wash my ears out with soap after this. I think I’ll listen to something more intelligent and less offensive by putting on my “Bowel Movements 97-00” compilation tape. Goodnight. 

2011: The Year in Review by Matt Payton

There’s a new year that has arrived. But do you remember the last one? It’s been a number of hours so you may have forgot. Most medical professionals agree that the best way to jog your memory is to look at what I liked listening to/watching over the past 12 months. You’ll find that written on the back of most packs of breath mints. 

If you want to hear me and another partially evolved human discuss the films listed below in a very long podcast click here. 

And if you want to hear what I’ve been listening to over the last 20 years (it’s been updated to include this year’s music) in 5-second increments click below: 

‘91-‘11 by MattP

(In a nutshell I made my own personal version of this. For further explanation as to how this compilation came about click here.)

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2011

1. Smith Westerns Dye It Blonde

Glam rock resurrects itself yet again so at this point it’s beating Jesus by a healthy margin. If you skip a track on this disc you’re either a damn fool or simply have an itchy trigger finger leftover from your telegraphin’ days. This album is best listened to while looking up into the sky. Whatever fills up that sky is up to you. 

2. Kurt Vile Smoke Ring For My Halo

You know how a lot of dudes who play quiet acoustic guitar songs are so irritating they make you want to do this? This is the opposite of that. This is that type of old rock ‘n roll sound that never should have gone away while Nixon got to stick around for five more years. Go figure. This is best listened to while on a road trip going west of where you live with a close enough friend that one of you will buy the expensive roadside beef jerky with no questions asked.

3. The Raveonettes Raven In The Grave

If only we listened to the Danes more…I say that like I listen to any other Danish bands besides this one. What would it be like if I did though? Would I have to start bringing up income inequality in every conversation I have and get really into herring? I don’t know, it sounds like a whole to-do. This album is best listened to in the six month period leading up to an inevitable break up that you know will be happening but you’re still unprepared for. 

4. Wild Flag Wild Flag

Loud guitars, drums and keyboards: a simple yet effective combination. Like cheddar cheese and black beans, Sears and Roebuck or watching a GOP debate and throwing your lamp out the goddamn window. This one is best listened to while reorganizing your record collection from alphabetical to chronological, but not the other way around. 

5. Girls Father, Son, Holy Ghost

You know that shirt in your closet that you wear every now and again and it’s always great but then as soon as you put it back it just goes back to being camouflaged in the thicket of boringness that is you? You should go put it on right now along with this album and keep both going for a few days. This should be listened to somewhere that has plenty of sunlight but it must be indirect. 

6. The Roots Undun

Concept albums are like asses: they’re all fine and good but don’t mean anything if there isn’t any meat to them. For instance, my concept album is about a suitcase that develops a soul and starts leaving poems for its owner in that compartment on the outside that you can never figure out what it’s best use would be. And if the songs were good you wouldn’t care about the concept after track one. Unfortunately the songs are all horrible and feature four-minute bassoon solos. This one is best listened to on religious holidays, full moons and whenever it is that the McRib comes back. 

7. Yuck Yuck

Who says the Brits can’t sound more authentically American than us? What’s that? No one has argued that since 1965? Duly noted then. And who threw out my brylcreem? You doze off for a few minutes and the whole world goes to hell in a hand basket. This one is best heard during the months when Daylight Savings Time is being observed and a quality root beer is within a 100 foot parameter of your person. 

8. Jessica Lea Mayfield Tell Me

If you have the pleasure of seeing any of these songs performed live you will more thank likely demand that this young lady and her band take one of your kidneys in an ice cooler on the road, just in case they need a spare. Just make sure that you label the cooler instead of tossing it in the one they have labeled “egg salad”. If you don’t, after four or five days your liver will taste like shit. This is best heard while on a wild pheasant hunt while your hat is still being worn correctly.

9. Middle Brother Middle Brother

NPR told me to listen to this album so I blindly obeyed as usual but I had to meet Juan Williams in a darkened alley to obtain it and join him in a 90 minute conversation about Grenada before he would give me the damn thing. That’s the real reason he was fired. This best way to hear this is on a Saturday morning either while moving boxes around and/or using a screwdriver.

10. Radiohead The King Of Limbs

You have to leave enough time for things to grow on you except for that thing on your shoulder. You should really get that checked out. I like being able to hang my jacket on it and we all had a good laugh when you used it to dangle from that basketball net over Labor Day weekend but enough’s enough. This album is best heard on headphones with a curly Q chord but only your pinky should wrapped around it. 

Honorable Mention:

The War On Drugs Slave Ambient

Vivian Girls Share The Joy

Thurston Moore Demolished Thoughts

BattlesGloss Drop

Beastie Boys Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

TOP TEN SONGS OF 2011

1. Kurt Vile “Baby’s Arms”

If you listen to this you will appear 20% more graceful the next time you jump over a puddle in the street.

2. The Strokes “Under Cover Of Darkness”

If you listen to this your breath won’t smell like Henry Kissinger’s pancreas tomorrow morning. 

3. The Raveonettes “My Times Up”

If you listen to this the milk you have at home will curdle into something that will benefit your neighbor’s pet llama in the next 20 years. 

4. Girls “My Ma”

If you listen to this you will be able to accomplish anything that begins with the letter “J”. 

5. College (featuring Electric Youth) “A Real Hero”

If you listen to this your co-workers will ask you what put the spring in your step and you’ll only need to answer by showing them the logo of your fabric softener. 

6. Smith Westerns “Still New”

If you listen to this the person you kiss next New Year’s Eve will let you ride shotgun in their jalopy on the way home next year.

7. Jessica Lea Mayfield “Sometimes At Night”

If you listen to this you’ll be able to show your face again at the library as long as you’re okay with the majority of it being covered up by that portrait of Franklin Pierce.

8. Thurston Moore “Circulation”

If you listen to this your doctor will ask for an exam from you.

9. The War On Drug “Baby Missiles”

If you listen to this you will finally have something to wield over the guy who lives in your treehouse with all the cool old rotary phones.

10. Rihanna (featuring Calvin Harris) “We Found Love”

If you listen to this you will be able to do things with eggs that were outlawed in Pennsylvania until eight minutes ago.

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2011

1. The Tree Of Life (Terrence Malick)

Your parents screwed you up slightly less than their parents did them but we’re still not sure how much of that had to do with lead paint. We’re looking into it. Also that cape they let you wear until you were 8 didn’t help matters. It’s best to see this film on day that you slept in a minimum of 45 minutes past the point your usual zombie morning festivities begin.

2. Submarine (Richard Ayoade)

This is how you do a modern movie that takes place in the 80s. No synthesizers, rolled up sleeves or Manuel Noriega ever make an appearance in this story. Well, I can’t vouch for that last one since I was in the bathroom for what felt like four score minutes because some wise ass thought it would be a good idea to put buttons on pants where the zipper is supposed to go. Newfangled gadgets and all. It’s best to see this one after you’ve come back into town after going to your summer home only to realize halfway up there that you don’t have a summer home and instead ended up buying a box of popsicles from Bob’s IGA. 

3. The Robber (Benjamin Heisenberg)

Robbing banks will be the centerpiece of a new fad diet that I plan on marketing in 2012. Look for it in your local book depository next to all the extra copies of the autobiography of the Snapple lady. You should see this movie the day before you get a haircut. 

4. Hugo (Martin Scorsese)

Remember to befriend that old cranky guy who runs that shop near you which no one is ever in. You know, the one next to the ice cream parlor that’s a front for some sort of black market meat slicing equipment and across the street from your fourth favorite Ban-Lon emporium. This is best viewed if you’re seeing it instead of doing something important in your life that needs to get done, like rotating the tires on your barbecue grill.

5. Win Win (Thomas McCarthy)

A good ol’ fashioned whodunnit, except that you know who done it the whole time. There’s plenty of other ol’ fashioned things for you in there anyway. For instance there’s a guy with a job in it. This one is best seen after you’ve exhausted all the phone conversations in your contact list that don’t require 25 extra minutes of explaining why you’re still engaged to what’s-his-name.

6. Martha Marcy May Marlene (Sean Durkin)

If you haven’t heard from your sister in years and she calls you from a gas station drop whatever you’re doing and go pick her up. Make sure before you hang up to let her know that you’ll be prone to drive faster if you know there’s a bag of Funyuns waiting for you when you get there. Also maybe some windshield wiper fluid too since you thought you were supposed to put it in your toilet. You should only see this at night, unless you’re right handed. 

7. Tabloid (Errol Morris)

This might make you think twice next time before you kidnap a Mormon man/Ken doll. Of course thinking twice is what got you into this mess in the first place. Why can’t you just trust your instincts? It’s not like anyone really notices scars on eyelids anyway. Don’t see this one with anyone who has seen you in a bathrobe. 

8. Melancholia (Lars Von Trier)

It’s easy to think that the world will end during a wedding since most of the time you’re praying for it to happen before you hear The Righteous Brothers again. That’s the last time I go to see two brothers marry each other. Those guys just wouldn’t stop with the speechifying. Only in Canada! This movie is best viewed on the day you run into someone you know and act like you’ve been caught in a sting operation when all you were doing was buying some gauze. 

9. Cedar Rapids (Miguel Arteta)

People in the insurance industry can be human too sometimes. Just make sure you turn the switch on their backs to “sentient” so their eye rolls won’t give them a headache when you ask them for gum later. Insurance people have gum out the yin yang, mostly to distract from the leprosy. It’s best to see this one on a date with someone that’s not allowed within a hundred yards of a post office.

10. The Skin I Live In (Pedro Almodovar)

Revenge is best served cold but whatever you do, don’t put it on the top shelf of the refrigerator in the back because ice will start to form on the top of it and it really loses that asbestos flavor. What you want to do instead is chill it in your champagne bucket that you’ve been using as a remote control community center. This is best seen after work unless you want to explain to the boss how you fit a theater into the room where you used to have your team building exercises. 

Honorable Mention:

The Artist (Michael Hazanavicius)

The Trip (Michael Winterbottom)

Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn)

The Guard (John Michael McDonagh)

Happy, Happy (Anne Sewitsky)

WORST TEN FILMS OF 2011

1. Larry Crowne (Tom Hanks)

Ever wonder what it would be like if your dad took a class up at the community college whose computer lab you used back in 2000? No? Then do you ever wonder how many irons a person goes through in a lifetime? It’s got to be somewhere around three. This movie is best seen after a long day of dry heaving and wearing a blanket instead of pants. 

2. Your Highness (David Gordon Green)

Talented people wasting their time can be sad to watch. However idiots wasting their time can be an entertaining afternoon which is why I want to invite you to my cinderblock scooting party next Saturday. You bring the Hawaiian Punch, I’ll provide broken broom handles. This one is viewed best with one foot in a puddle of water and the other one being used to stop some old legal documents from falling over. 

3. The Green Hornet (Michel Gondry)

“We should make a superhero movie because we can.” “Yes we should, but first let’s take a dip in our sensory deprivation tanks.” “OK sounds good. Wait, why do I hear a hammering sound?” “Oh that’s just your mind making an ash tray in shop class for you.” “Oh right. Why does it smell like Siberia in here?” This film should be seen on the day after you paint all your walls black and the day before you set all of the clocks in the house to military time. 

4. Kaboom (Gregg Araki)

You probably know someone who will tell you you’re missing the point by not buying into the ridiculousness of this. You wish you didn’t know them but they sit right by the bathroom and there’s something about an empty bladder that just makes you want to chat about birdhouses for a spell. Science can’t even explain it. This is best seen on the 29th of February in every year that ends with the number three. 

5. Take Me Home Tonight (Michael Dowse)

Going to a party where old high school people you don’t care about will be at? Better wear a jacket and tie! While you’re at it how about some sock garters, an ascot and a croquet mallet? A monocle would really add something but a pair of x-ray specs will do in a pinch. It’s best to watch this movie as the second wish granted from your genie in a bottle as long as your third wish is to be bludgeoned to death with that fake Christmas tree your family has been using since for the last nineteen years. 

6. Cars 2 (John Lasseter)

If there’s one thing the world needs more of it’s Larry the Cable Guy. After more fiber, money and an oriental rug that would bring a tear to your eye it’s certainly the biggest thing lacking in my life. One thing at a time they say. At least that’s what it sounded like from the Cigar Aficionado-infested crawl space. The best way to watch this one is under a bed that has a box spring at least two sizes too small for the mattress. And it would be best if you were wearing a tuxedo, ladies. 

7. The Future (Miranda July)

“Hey man, I just march to the beat of my own drummer.” That drummer unbeknownst to you was fitted for his first straightjacket when you were still wearing short pants. Sure, you still wear them on special occasions these days like anniversaries and Boxing Day but it’s not part of your everyday uniform anymore. You were way more interesting as a British boy back in the 40s. This one should be watched by you and your closest 63 friends. Tell Dana her invitation got bulldozed by that rowdy 4H club that meets next door.

8. Everything Must Go (Dan Rush)

It always helps to befriend someone who doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand your existential crisis. You’re also going to need a heavy bag. And a baseball bat. And some chewing tobacci. And a rake because come on, this yard looks pathetic. This is best seen while flipping through an antiques catalog while at the same time looking up statistics for the 1952 Brooklyn Dodger team on the machine you play pong on.

9. Bad Teacher (Jake Kasdan)

Remember that one guy who did that thing we kind of liked a few years back? Yeah, I don’t think it’s as good as we remember either. Maybe you had to be there. True, who’s to say if someone is ever really “there” at all. Wait a minute, when did you get so deep? I thought you were the guy who still runs BMG music club scams. Oh, you run an ostrich farm now. God, we need to work on our catching up. Well, gotta get to my seat the speaker is about to start. This movie is best to watch at your next Eagle Scout reunion provided that your neckerchief still smells like raisins.

10. 30 Minutes Or Less (Ruben Fleischer)

Next time you have a decent idea make sure to get a good night’s sleep before you do anything rash like committing to an all-corduroy ensemble for the next 365 days. Everyone was jealous at first but once St. Patrick’s Day rolled around you got stuck sitting at the end of the table with Phil. Granted, his pictures of Ashville, KY were breathtaking but that’s because he always punches you in the gut before the slide show of his mom’s house begins. The best way to see this movie is through a kaleidoscope that you bought from that garage sale where you ended up working at for two months. 

Dishonorable Mention:

Hall Pass (Bobby & Peter Farrelly)

Paul (Greg Mottola)

The Dilemma (Ron Howard)

Terri (Azazel Jacobs)

Source Code (Duncan Jones)

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE

Somebody in your life will recommend these to you and act like their lives have improved from watching them. What they won’t tell you is that they’ve been embezzling funds from that from that charity the two of you set up to benefit people with one eyebrow that is way better looking than the other one. 

Margin Call (J.C. Chandor)

Young Adult (Jason Reitman)

Pearl Jam Twenty (Cameron Crowe)

The Ides Of March (George Clooney)

Midnight In Paris (Woody Allen)

Beginners (Mike Mills)

The Muppets (James Bobin)

Contagion (Steven Soderbergh)

Previous Years In Review

Live Blogging the GOP 2012 Primary Thanksgiving Family Forum Debate

Are you ready for this one? This is the one where they talk about family values and other such things that us mere mortals don’t quite understand. Of course when you’re talking about values having the human butterball made completely out of sludge that is Frank Lutz, things get a bit ridiculous. But at least this isn’t quite as shady as college football! 

4:06 - Have you ever wanted to hear the story of how Michele Bachmann came to the Lord? No? Then I wouldn’t read a paper until she’s out of the race next week.

4:08 - Wow, this marks the first time Rick Perry has sounded eloquent, articulate and sober. He would make a great southern generic pastor. Wait, that’s what he is already. Good show, old man. 

4:09 - “Unlike Islam…” - Rick Santorum. How many times do you think we’ll hear that this afternoon?

4:12 - I’m glad to see Newt Gingrich is still insulted whenever someone with a microphone asks him a question, even when he’s feeding the Jesus people (otherwise known as the GOP base) their manna. Shouldn’t this be the one debate he enjoys? Or at least tolerates until he can get his ass back to the VIP section of Tiffany’s?

4:14 - Frank Lutz wants to know what accounts for the “hostility” directed toward a discussion of this topic. Looks like someone just earned his Fox News Christmas bonus. I hope he enjoys his non-kosher, non-hilal fruitcake!

4:17 - People of faith apparently have been intimated by the people of non-faith. So does that mean we have to give up our leather jackets and rolling our cigarettes up in the sleeves of our white t-shirts? Because I still just prefer the look. 

4:20 - For a ostensible positive, “spiritual”, touchy-feely event this has already turned into an us v. them fest. The persecution complex of these people knows no bounds, just like their knowledge of how the modern world works. 

4:23 - As much of a fuckwad that Rick Santorum and Rick Perry sound like during this thing the truly most disgusting person here is Frank Lutz. He’s the only here I want to see end up homeless which would then be ironic as he would be told to pull himself up by his bootstraps because one of his polls said that plays better in the plains states. 

4:24 - “You’re even allowed to be an atheist” - Ron Paul. There’s your libertarian candidate, folks. 

4:28 - For as much as the GOP seems to be against everything Islam stands for they certainly both place martyrdom next to godliness. 

4:30 - I could have misheard but according to Ron Paul, poor people who are stuck in poverty should meet the consequences of their terrible poor decisions and not ask for the government for help. This could become a good debate since based on this rhetoric they should spend a good 30 minutes bashing that Jesus character. 

4:33 - Rick “we’re sitting down, I don’t need no stinkin’ tie” Santorum has mentioned a book he has written in at least 3 answers now. I guess he figures he’s already riding the shit slide down to the bottom so he might as well hawk his snake oil on the way down so he can buy some sarsaparilla when he gets there. 

4:35 - Newt Gingrich’s failure to comprehend the message of Occupy Wall Street is maddening not to mention ignorant. I realize that they didn’t pay for the private park they were protesting in, but he seems to be insinuating that they don’t pay for any parks because they are dirty, lazy hippies and pay no taxes. Unlike the fine, upstanding citizens like GE. 

4:41 - Oh isn’t that cute? Rick Perry just referenced his fuck-up in the MSNBC debate. Ha ha! “I’m a dumbass, it’s kind of my thing” Guffaw! “I just spout out bullshit catchphrases and talking points that have no meaning whatsoever because that’s what people like Frank Lutz have taught us to do” Tee hee! “You should just be glad I remembered to wear pants to this goddamn thing because I’m two sheets to the motherfuckin’ wind at this point” Stop it - you’re killing us!

4:45 - Oh, Rick Santorum. Why even bother comparing gay marriage to slavery? What really comes of it? You know you’re just going to get your ass hammered on the internet on Monday. Not that you support ass hammering of any kind. Nope. Never. Not even on the nights when he’s out on the road all by himself with no one to keep him company except for that strapping 24-year-old aid working on his campaign who looks quite dashing in a blue sweater.  

4:47 - You can only watch this debate online so if you’re doing that for some god forsaken reason you’ll notice that they seated Ron Paul at the head of the table so he’s facing everyone sideways the entire time. I’m guessing the debate people originally had him sitting outside in the parking lot at first and he negotiated himself to practically the kids table by using some good old fashioned Texas moxie. 

4:51 - According to Michele Bachmann every human being is created in the image of God. Man, he must be one ugly bastard then. Have you seen some people out there? And they all look like him? Does that mean he has 14 billion nipples?

4:53 - In case you were unaware, these people do not like abortion one bit. What do you think the odds of them bringing up the fact that Mississippi, one of the most red states around, rejected the personhood amendment last week? Same odds that Newt Ginrich might connect emotionally tonight with someone who loves him? You’d be right!

4:57 - Just so you know, Newt Ginrich thinks traditional values means not inviting gays and lesbians to adopt tons of needy children who could use a loving home. How many non-straight, non-white, non-males want to live in Gringrich’s ideal world? Anybody? Anybody at all. Just a simple show of hands. OK, I’m going to assume all of your arms are asleep. Moving on…

5:01 - Whoa - a gallon of gas was $1.79 on the day Barack Obama took office? Where the hell was that, Ms. Bachmann? Oh wait, she’s thinking of how much Marcus Bachmann charged to guzzle a gallon of sperm while being tickled by a boa feather. Considering the inflation to his prices since then I’d say that’s a steal. 

5:04 - Frank Lutz has given them all a five minute break so they can prepare to be asked about their own sins and why they believe what they believe. I’m going to take advantage of this time by going ahead and dying my hair gray now so I can save my nerves the trouble of doing it to my follicles during this abomination. 

5:10 - I just realized that this thing is at a fuckin’ church. Maybe that’s why they have seemed the most natural and at ease here than in any environment we’ve seen them all so far. 

5:12 - Herman Cain is getting choked up about talking about his cancer diagnosis. This is the first time I’ve seen him be real. I like it. If he works a 9-9-9 reference into this goddamn story I will personally kick him in the balls. 

5:15 - Rick Perry’s sense of right and wrong was shaped by his experience as a boy in 4-H which he failed to mention is administered by the Department of Agriculture. So maybe that was the third agency he was intentionally blanking on. 

5:16 - Perry’s use of the phrase “the Lord Jesus Christ” was eerily perfect for this crowd and immediately took me back to my Christian school days. I flashed back so hard there for a second I stopped listening to what he was talking about and started to wonder what the Hostess product situation in the vending machine was. 

5:20 - Ron Paul’s personal history involved hardly any Jesus talk and made me feel the most comfortable and intrigued. He’s the guy at the Thanksgiving table I’d like to sit next to because I think his asides and stories would be the most interesting but if he were president I’d sleep with one eye open. 

5:24 - The way Rick Santorum answers his questions is like he knows he’s simply coughing up bile but this is all he’s got and if he doesn’t go through with this the bomb that’s been planted inside of him might go off like he’s the bus in Speed.

5:29 - You know how that gaffe of Rick Perry’s at the CNBC debate ruined him and turned someone who was already irrelevant into a bigger joke? This Rick Santorum baby story is the opposite of that. This crowd is riveted. And so am I quite frankly. But now that he’s cynically worked that whole routine into a health care jibe I would just like to invite him to fuck himself. 

5:32 - Newt is going to get into the near death baby story tell off too. This is turning into some sort of thinly veiled anti-choice Def Poetry Jam. 

5:34 - Oh and Newt pretending to get choked up is about as believable as Frank Lutz having a salad for dinner tonight before going home to his loving wife and not a $9 hooker. 

5:38 - Newt has caused a great deal of pain in the lives of others. So he’s either talking about the 2 wives he left for other women or the thousands of people who have sat in an enclosed space while sounds have come out of his bullshit-lined mouth. 

5:41 - Ron Paul’s personal flaw is that he was a good athlete as a teenager and injured himself so he couldn’t go on to greatness in track, football and/or baseball. Oh yes, and his penis is just too damn enormous. 

5:44 - This is turning into an exercise in humility. Herman Cain’s flaw is that he was just so stinkin’ successful during his life making money and thinking of innovative tax plans that he didn’t have enough time at home to make his maid feel uncomfortable. 

5:45 - Rick Perry’s new strategy can be summed up thusly: “Fuck it: I’m a moron with enough charm to make you laugh for a few seconds before one of these other people talk about substance*.”    

*substance a relative word in this world

5:49 - Does anyone know Rick Santorum’s view on abortion and gay marriage? I can’t really seem to get a clear view from him on these things because he’s so nuanced about it. Plus he doesn’t seem to want to talk about them very much. I wish we could get a little more out of him on the subject. 

5:52 - Michele Bachmann will get behind the DOMA law. No word yet on what her husband will get behind…you know the rest. 

5:53 - Why does Frank Luntz keep leaving his asinine questions to the candidates with his constant, “Anyone?” It’s your job to make these fuckers answer the questions that you wrote, dipshit! Why are you such a shit?

5:55 - Newt Gingrich just made sure that happiness in the 18th century didn’t mean what the humans nowadays think it involves. So join up with the Gingrich 2012 campaign today: Happiness Without Joy!

5:57 - Two hours in and we have the first mention of a flat tax rate by Rick Perry. So you could sit through this thing with your skin crawling but in a different direction than it usually does with this ass clowns. 

5:59 - Rick Santorum’s rejection of birth control qualifies him to wield expertise on the subject of education. I’m not making that up. 

6:02 - Why isn’t this over with yet? I have a strange urge to get out of the house and marry a man, abort a fetus and wear non-pleated pants. 

6:04 - What the hell is this? Frank Lutz is asking a complex question about the morality of killing in a war? Frank, do you not know who you are? No one would really bat an eye if you started flinging your excrement on the walls. I’m sure that instead of peanuts it would contain chunks of poll numbers and shame. 

6:07 - Michele Bachmann: “The number one duty of the president is to protect the public*.”           

*Not applicable if their safety is impeded by health, poverty, discrimination, religious persecution (except Christians, of course who are constantly being persecuted in America) or sexual orientation. 

6:12 - I was about to compliment Rick Santorum for making sense and having a reasonable point about our relationship to the Middle East but then he has to go and keep talking so we’ll be returning to shitting on him, which I’m guessing he’s really into. 

6:16 - Tough talk about Iran. But you have to come across that way when you’re a newbie or else you end up being traded for cigarettes which Frank Lutz will then smoke as he eats raw beef in his hotel bed while watching Weekend At Bernie’s for the 34th time. 

I just aged 13 years in 2 hours and 15 minutes. For the love of God do not let Frank Lutz ever do anything again that involves talking or thinking. If anyone else sat through that thing and isn’t already halfway to Canada by now, let me know what you think then let me know that you’re not some sort of cyborg here to deplete us of our natural resources and Gatorade. 

Live Blogging the CNBC GOP Debate in Michigan by Matt Payton

It’s been a while since I’ve done this so forgive me if I’m rusty. Is the race at this point against Teddy Kennedy and Jimmy Carter again? Sorry, I saw Newt Gingrich on the roster so I just assumed all the political corpses were available for reanimation. This will be the first debate I’ve actually watched this year so bear with me while you see my innocence raped by a metaphorical panda. Let’s get this live-blogging started!

7:03 - Herman Cain, Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman seemed to get the most applause when they were being introduced. What does that mean? Oh nevermind - Jim Cramer is going to be asking some questions. No need to look for meaning during any of these proceedings. 

7:05 - The sexual tension between Herman Cain and the attractive CNBC lady is palpable. And by palpable I mean greasy and hard to digest. Just like Godfather’s Pizza - bang zoom!

7:08 - Jim Cramer: “I’m on the front lines of the stock market.” Am I the only one who just now found out he’s still on the air? I thought he was working at a Subway and the sandwich he specialized in was a rage & spittle combo. 

7:11 - Jon Hunstman speaking out against “too big to fail” banks got the type of reluctant applause that a Miss America contestant gets when they mention world hunger. Come to think of it, Jon Huntsman would spend his time more wisely in the Miss America pageant than this. It certainly would be more dignified. 

7:13 - Ah shit! Here comes the union bashing - spit your wicked rhymes, Romney! I’m talking about the literal meaning of the word wicked there. 

7:14 - Mitt Romney’s been married to the same woman, gone to the same church and had the same job for a long time. So vote for the guy who sticks with his first option!

7:16 - Newt just suggested Ben Bernanke being fired and the crowd goes nuts. I’m guessing it’s because Bernanke keeps cutting Newt’s hair to glue on his face.

7:19 - “We’re getting our hat handed to us in terms of jobs” - Rick Santorum. I believe the word you’re looking for is ass, not hat. Of course we can all understand why you’d want to distance yourself from the ass. 

7:21 - The audience is booing a question about Herman Cain’s alleged sexual harassment. This should be celebrated - the first GOP debate audience boo that’s justified! I assume they’ll make up for it soon by booing George Washington giving Uncle Sam a handjob while Jesus watches. 

7:23 - CNBC bland guy: “I’m going to move back to the economy.” The crowd goes nuts. Do they know they’re at a GOP debate? I thought these were the crowds who threw tomatoes at homeless pregnant ladies. Have cable news clips been lying to me?!

7:25 - This crowd is so polite to Huntsman. Every time he says something sensible they pause for about 2 seconds and then realize there are cameras in the room so they better clap. 

7:28 - Why the hell is Jim Cramer allowed to ask questions? We get it, you like Milton Friedman. You don’t have to slip it into a question. “Ronald Reagan who was the second coming of Christ once said that he liked jellybeans. Would you keep them on your desk in the Oval Office?”

7:32 - Here we go with the 9-9-9 plan again. It’s like he’s forcing it on us when we’re not interested. In the stairwell. When everyone’s at lunch. No one’s around, you don’t have to tell anyone. It certainly might help a promotion come down the pike. Eh? Eh?

7:34 - “The Obama economy has really crushed the middle class” - Mitt Romney. Yeah, because before he came along the middle class were sending their kids to college while only one parent had to work and they had benefits coming out of their asses. Remember when none of us had any debt and union wages back in 2008?

7:36 - Hey, they’re letting Ron Paul talk for the second time! If he’s lucky they might let him wear home his suit tonight instead of stripping him 5 seconds after the cameras turn off and he has to walk home wearing underwear that looks like what The Three Amigos wore when they were fired. 

7:37 - Ron Paul was just talking about how the elderly get screwed when interest rates are so low. I know this is true because my grandma has been telling me that for the last 10 years. You’d think just based on the fact that the old people vote more than anyone that this would get brought up a lot more but I don’t think I’ve heard another candidate ever talk about the negative effects of low interest rates. (Insert joke here)

7:40 - They have commercials during these things? Is this sponsored by fear and resentment?

7:43 - Whenever Newt Gingrich talks about a subject he does it in such a way that he’s annoyed that he hasn’t been asked this already. Or that you don’t know the answer to his question already. He seems exasperated to have to explain himself and if you’re not on board you’re a dummy. 

7:46 - We don’t have negative housing numbers down in Texas says Rick Perry. Come on down and he’ll show you a good time. My god, Josh Brolin really played the wrong Texas governor. The resemblance Perry and Brolin is uncanny. Are we sure Perry wasn’t in The Goonies?

7:49 - Newt Gingrich has been confused if the question was directed at him two separate times now. I guess if my voice sounded like that I would do everything in my power to puncture my eardrum too. 

7:53 - Wow, Huntsman is now proposing that the astronomical growth of Goldman Sachs since the 1990s wasn’t good for the public. Is he looking to be Perry’s running mate or Obama’s?

7:56 - Herman Cain just referred to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy.” I believe that was also Romney’s locker room nickname circa 1960. 

7:59 - Newt Gingrich has such disdain for cable news people asking him the questions and for this whole process. So you see - he does have some admirable qualities!

8:00 - Oh yeah, Michelle Bachmann - remember when she was a thing? She was like planking. Ridiculous, annoying and something only idiots were interested in. 

8:02 - For a group of people known for being against everything Bill Clinton stood for, they sure do refer back to the 1990s as some sort of economic Plato’s Retreat a lot. I look forward to the GOP revisionist history that makes Reagan elected president in 1992. 

8:04 - Romney was just given credit for his health insurance mandate in MA. He responded by looking like he just got caught with his penis inside of a troll under a bridge and spouting, “Well, the people, the people…”

8:06 - Oh isn’t that cute? The anchors are trying to be funny by referring to the way they’ve systematically lowered the discourse of these debates to a 7-year-old comprehension level and an even lower attention span. These guys are hilarious!

8:12 - We’re back from another commerical break and Rick Santorum is getting asked a question. Mr. Rick Santorum. Santorum, Rick. R. Santorum. You know, whatever you want to call Santorum. 

8:14 - Mitt Romney just made a joke! And it was pulled off somewhat well! You could practically see him saying to himself, “Ha! I made it through the humor hoop! My campaign manager is going to program a steak dinner into my circuits tonight for dinner before he shuts me down.”

8:16 - Rick Perry just forgot the third of three departments he would eliminate and everyone had a good laugh. The anchor then gives him another chance to remember and he can’t. So all you have to do to mess with Texas is ask it to explain itself. 

8:18 - 9-9-9 is turning into Herman Cain’s catchphrase. I guess that beats Newt Gingrich’s, “What a ridiculous question.”

8:23 - I will give Michelle Bachmann this: she doesn’t seem to be chasing ratings. Like Ron Paul, she sticks to her unfortunate ideas as unpopular as opposing the payroll tax cut is, she doesn’t seem to be afraid of being booed. I mean she’s used to it in the bedroom due to a lack of her penis so GOP voters can’t scare her. 

8:26 - Jon Huntsman is really banking on the rational Republicans to come out for him. While everyone else is blowing Reagan is he over in the corner twisting Eisenhower’s nipples?

8:30 - Newt Gingrich wants you to take more classes per semester at college and work a job while you’re at it. He then wants you to go to a younger, more attractive college during your sophmore year and leave the old college while it’s in the hospital. I think this was what he saying that works at the College of the Ozarks.

8:33 - Time for another commercial break here and I have to ask: does anyone actually gain any insight toward who they’re going to vote for during these things? Do you really watch this thinking, “You know, I’ve been a Michelle Bachmann guy up until now but I think I’m gonna go with Ron Paul instead”? Because if you actually learn anything from these debates you should probably check into Bellevue or at the very least put on some pants. 

8:37 - You know how if you repeat a gag enough times it loses its humor but then if you do it some more if comes back around to being funny again? Yeah, 9-9-9 doesn’t work that way, Herman Cain. 

8:42 - Bland CNBC anchor dude is trying to stir up some conflict between Romney and Huntsman and it’s not working. Jesus, just go write a soap opera and bring some adults to appear on these networks. You’ll like it better, granted it might be a little too classy for you at first but you’ll learn how to be more subtle about the product placement. 

8:46 - Jim Cramer is screaming at Herman Cain about Wall St. corruption that was happening before the economic collapse. Cain handled him pretty smoothly and a lot more calmly than Newt, Ron or Rick would. Hey, why do I want to let him touch my boobs all the sudden? Ooooooh, that’s how he does it. 

8:49 - Ron Paul is speaking out against crony capitalism vs. healthy capitalism. It gets the lowest amount of applause I’ve heard all night. 

8:50 - And they wrapped it up in about 6 seconds like they remembered their parents were coming home early after leaving them home alone for the weekend and they have to clean all the cigarette stains out of the carpet in the next 25 minutes. I’d do the same thing if I saw Chris Matthews coming my way. 

That was a debate, all right. They certainly stood at podiums and talked about things that people who are running for office talk about. They talked for two hours but I don’t think I could tell you issues that they addressed outside of housing and jobs in a very general, all-over-the-place sense. Oh Lord, now CNBC is having some sort of post-game analysis where the anchor at the desk is wearing one of those microphones that attaches to your ear. I’m getting out of this motherfucker before he launches into a Backstreet Boys song. See ya later!

I may or may not have taped this to my neighbor’s door after being awoken at 5AM for an hour long drunken croquet game outside my window:

Dear croquet playing assholes,

Everyone really appreciates you yelling like inconsiderate dickheads at 5AM. No one is trying to sleep at that time of morning so your retarded ramblings were perfect for the occasion! Do you think you could make your really loud scholarly debates a daily occurrence? Because a lot of us who are trying to sleep would really prefer to wake up to the sounds of drunken frat boys pathetically running out the clock in their meaningless lives than a boring old alarm clock!

Of course we don’t want to just take from you and not give anything back. So let the rest of the alley know when you all go to sleep so we can all act like psychopaths with no empathy for other human beings at the same time. I’m sure you would be delighted as the rest of us to just lie in bed listening to a gang of morons loudly pontificate about the bullshit they choose to concern themselves with so they don’t have to reflect on how sad they appear to sober, sane citizens of the world.

So great job guys – keep up the good work! You’ll be getting a “Neighbor Of The Year” award form in the mail soon. Be sure to check on the box marked “Waste Of Human Flesh” in the gender section and to sign and date before mailing back the form. Of course that assumes you’re literate which is a bit of a stretch judging from the drivel that was coming out of your mouths while everyone else was trying to sleep peacefully.

Sincerely,

Your neighbors

“Live” Blogging the 2011 State Of The Union Address: The Day After

This will probably be on and off all day because I’m going to try this at work while I’m manually numbering course material pages with a pen so the time stamps aren’t going to make any sense. You’d think a law school would have a better way of doing such tasks, but I still haven’t found a goddamn water cooler up in this bitch yet!

9:57 - He just welcomed John Boehner as the new Speaker of the House. No tears, just like the shampoo that orange motherfucker uses!

10:00 - I’m watching the video here, so I can’t see the Republicans and Democrats sitting together picking at each other’s scalps like monkeys. 

10:05 - Obama is appealing to the bipartisanship of Congress to look past election and get something done. Someone needs to give this guy the “know your audience” speech. 

10:07 - Just saw everyone clap at Obama’s plea to work for the American people. That was actually kind of cool. OK, back to being an ass. 

10:10 - “There was a time when your competition for a job downtown was limited to your neighbors.” I have a feeling that corporations aren’t going to get called out for their love of slave labor, but I never underestimate Obama’s ability to talk a good game. 

10:13 - This has nothing to do with what’s going on in the speech, but I just realized that Wall Street is like a group of televangelists - they always need money for their Lord. 

10:21 - “China’s kicking our ass, but don’t worry we’re still way too rich for our own good and have a bunch of shit we don’t need.” *Applause*

10:29 - Everyone just gave a standing ovation for the concept of outdoing all other countries in the world. Next, when he brings up helping the rest of the world catch up he’ll get a few yawns and iPhone glances. 

10:31 - Did Obama just equate Facebook with the Wright brothers? So does Friendster get mentioned with Ben Franklin? 

10:33 - The audience just applauded for clean energy. They’re now being explained what that would actually mean for them and the lobbyists that fellate them. Now I see a lot of scrunched faces that signify a deadly fart. 

10:41 - Wow. John Boehner didn’t applaud for the idea of not giving oil companies billions of dollars. He just sat there like Obama just said he fingered his sister. 

10:46 - Obama’s saying that education begins at home, not at school. The Republicans all clap. Look for them to figure out a way how to twist this into a government take over of your parenting skills tomorrow. 

11:02 - This is an “Ask Jeeves” question, but what the fuck is Race To The Top? Is it another name for teaching to the test? Sorry, any fan of The Wire has a natural skepticism toward school and police statistic-based programs. And an unhealthy love of Wendell Pierce. 

12:09 - Joe Biden just reacted to Obama’s story about the Colorado school like, “Damn, that’s pretty impressive. Can I get a Long Island iced tea?”

12:11 - Science and math is getting a lot of love. I don’t know about you but wouldn’t you like these kids also to learn some fuckin’ history and civics? Hell, I want to learn more of that shit. Typing class, as usual, goes unnoticed again. (I’m not sure that even exists anymore)

12:12 - “We’re also revitalizing America’s community colleges.” They’re still sad, uninspiring places but the vending machines at them will now not only have nacho cheese flavored Doritos, but we’ll make sure the next generation comes of age with some Cool Ranch!

12:15 - John McCain has a look on his face like he just ate too much of that pudding that helps you poo. “I can’t believe I lost to this black guy with that name. I think I should be allowed to call my wife a cunt later tonight, I’m gonna get her on the phone…(falls asleep)”

12:18 - Instead of making fun of airport pat downs can Obama maybe do something about reforming our so-called airport security? Like when he smugly makes fun of marijuana users while wasting tons of money and resources on putting them in jail. He needs to avoid comedy and leave it to the unintentional masters like his predecessor.

12:20 - Yes. Lower that corporate tax rate. They’ve had it hard for too long. Maybe someday they’ll be able to be heard. Perhaps the Supreme Court could help with that. If only they had some friends in this room then maybe things would start to go their way. Oh well.

12:22 - Oh my god, only in this country would the President shit on business regulation after big business was caught stealing from the country. “No officer, don’t put this guy who just robbed my house in jail. He said he was going to come back tomorrow and I have to assume it was to make me waffles and watch Law & Order with me in bed. He’ll be fine. He won’t do it again. He promises!”

12:25 - There’s nothing like people who spent you into oblivion standing up and applauding the idea of the government living within its means. Like when your date rapist applauds sexual harassment awareness training at your workplace.

12:28 - Obama’s calling out the Republicans on their bullshit ideas about reducing the deficit but in a sly, respectful way. This will definitely win them over and inspire them to cooperate on some substantive legislation. At that point Beyoncé will call me and ask if I’ll come over and give comments while she models bikinis for me. 

12:32 - He makes a good argument about the need for government agency reorganization. I doubt anyone in the room would argue him on that point either. Using his logic about being outdated sure could be put to use with the filibuster, the Second Amendment and the electoral college, but I’m not going to get my hopes up about those.

1:03 - Is it me or is John Boehner sitting like he has the hanger still in his shirt because he wants to make sure his whole face stays in the camera shot the whole time? That or he’s just getting antsy for his and Obama’s next smoke break.

1:04 - John McCain just got very excited about earmarks being vetoed. I’m a little confused by this because I assume it means even less will get done in Congress because I’ve never heard of one bill in my lifetime that didn’t have at least some earmarks in it. Maybe McCain just wanted to get some blood flowing down to his legs so he can kick a gay soldier in the kneecaps later. It’s his hobby, I don’t know…

1:07 - Oh yeah, there’s still a war in Afghanistan. Sarah Palin or one of the people who came in or out of her vagina should start talking about it so we can it can get some media attention.

1:11 - Now we’re at the diplomacy part of the speech, AKA the piss break period where concubines are arranged for the after party.

1:13 - Obama just praised the men and women who serve our country. If only that meant more than just serving it with a gun and in countries we’ve invaded.

1:16 - “No one would trade places with any other nation on Earth.” Does Canada count?

1:18 - Here comes Boehner’s tear factory, ironically one of the only factories in the country that has seen an increase in production over the last 30 years.

1:21 - OK, I have to admit this ending is pretty damn strong, inspiring and optimistic. Hold me, John Boehner, hold me in your leathery arms!

I haven’t heard any reaction to this yet today, were the usual people pissed and the other usual people pleased? I’m interested to see how the no earmark thing will manifest itself. Also it seemed that ending DADT deserved more than just a token shout out of recognition, but what can you do? I’m going to get back to praying for this country so I can then pretend like I actually did something useful with my limited resources and ability!

Click below for the live blog archive (sure, I’ll call it that):

http://mattpayton.tumblr.com/tagged/live%20blog

2010: The Year In Review by Matt Payton

It’s time yet again to look back on 2010 in the most obvious and easy way possible, AKA my bread and butter. If I were a better person I’d post the top ten Wikileaks cables and biggest corporate loopholes in the financial bill but alas, you’ll have to settle for some music and movie picks. One of the weakest years for movies turned out to be one of the strongest years for music in recent memory:

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2010

1. Titus Andronicus The Monitor

Take 1 cup of mid-70s Springsteen and dump into a bowl, add 1 cup of heart-on-sleeve indie rock sensibility, sprinkle some Civil War themes while remembering to keep the anthems light. Douse with alcohol and mix. Pour out your angst onto a baking sheet and cook at 425 degrees for about an hour while you sing like your fucking life depends on it. By the end you should have The Monitor*.           (*Results may vary)

2. Big Boi Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son Of Chico Dusty

While most of the other elder statesmen of hip hop who are still in the game tend to take themselves more seriously as they age, Big Boi has decided to become more artful and have more fun. Ironically the most catchy and radio ready record of the year had been held back by corporate suits for not being commercial enough which is like denying Jon Hamm the role of Don Draper for not exuding enough testosterone.

3. Tim Kasher The Game Of Monogamy

It’s yet another album from Mr. Kasher that explores the frustration of a failed relationship. So obviously this is good party music you can play at your nephew’s bar mitzvah or at your next skating rink birthday party. By the end of the album you won’t think that asshole you used to date was such a prick after all.The honesty can be a little cringe inducing, yet reassuring at the same time like a Barack Obama interview.

4. Kanye West My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

This is a really good album and I’m surprised no one else has really commented on how good it is or how it’s his masterpiece or put it at the top of their album of the year lists. I guess this is just one of those that snuck under the radar and only a select few will be listening to it and talking about it in the future. Oh well, that’s okay because I don’t think this Mr. West guy really has much of a penchant for hoopla and accolades anyway. 

5. Beach House Teen Dream

Until I saw these two play together on the teevee I assumed the singer was a man. She’s not. She was either blessed with a Lauren Bacall husk in her voice or cursed with a Marlboro Red addiction. Either way the music is all the better for it. If you put this lush dollop of an album on during a cold winter morning you’ll forget or maybe even like the fact that you can’t feel your extremities.

6. The New Pornographers Together

I had the pleasure of seeing The New Pornographers this year at the lovely Pabst Theater in Milwaukee when all of the sudden in the middle of the show it hit me: “Oh yeah, this band is one of the most consistently great ensembles out there and belong on the top shelf of best pop music of the last ten years.” I then thought, “I have to pee” but there wasn’t a song they played that I wanted to walk out during. Together, just like all of their other albums, has a hook per song ratio that could give Big Boi a run for his money. 

7. Deerhunter Halcyon Digest

Deerhunter is not for the casual listener. You have to dedicate some time and effort to appreciate their albums if you’re like me. If there’s a just and merciful god than no one out there is like me and you may enjoy this from the get-go, in which case turn up these dreamy little songs so that everyone can hear them. 

8. Ben Folds & Nick Hornby Lonely Avenue

The lyrics are a little too wordy at times and the narrative of the songs can be too complicated but just like with the person you’re in love with, some thing’s flaws can also be what charms you at the same time. This is the best solo Ben Folds album since Rockin’ The Suburbs. Watch out for the song that indirectly references the Palins and doesn’t make you want to become intimate with the business end of a sawed-off shotgun. 

9. Arcade Fire The Suburbs

They ditched the funeral and rustic old church sound for a minimalistic guitar-and-drums sound that dominates many of the songs. And there are a lot of songs to choose from as the album sprawls in more ways than one. This isn’t an examination of the energy and infrastructure draining costs of the suburbs but instead an exploration of what they feel like as you age. Dairy Queen isn’t mentioned but you can hear the Mr. Misty Freeze in the background. 

10. The Roots How I Got Over

One perk of being a late night talk show house band is that you get exposed to a lot of different bands each night and get a literal front row seat for their performances which can find itself into your songs (see: “Dear God 2.0”). Of course the downside is actually having to sit through Jimmy Fallon’s show while conscious. I think the 2011 charity I’ll start will work on painting eyeballs onto eyeglasses so that the Roots can do what every other sensible person does while Late Night is on: sleep through it. At this point I’m convinced that whatever they come up with in their sleep is still going to be way better than most music out there. 

Honorable Mention:

Yeasayer Odd Blood

Jenny and Johnny I’m Having Fun Now

MGMT Congratulations

Wavves King Of The Beach

Meth Ghost Rae Wu-Massacre

TOP TEN SONGS OF 2010

1. Beach House “10 Mile Stereo”

My favorite grower-not-a-shower song of the year.

2. Titus Andronicus “No Future Part Three: Escape From No Future”

My favorite self-doubt song of the year.

3. Big Boi featuring Cutty “Shutterbugg”

My favorite addictive song of the year.

4. Surfer Blood “Catholic Pagans”

My favorite savior song of the year.

5. The National “Afraid Of Everyone”

My favorite getting older song of the year.

6. Jenny And Johnny “Animal”

My favorite repetitive harmonizing song of the year.

7. Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings “I’ll Still Be True”

My favorite crushing chrous song of the year.

8. Kanye West featuring John Legend “Blame Game”

My favorite Chris Rock cameo song of the year.

9. Reflection Eternal featuring Estelle “Midnight Hour”

My favorite sex song of the year.

10. Dum Dum Girls “Blank Girl”

My favorite hazy song of the year.

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2010

1. Please Give (Nicole Holofcener)

This movie has a lot of things that I’m always a sucker for: neurotic New Yorkers, dysfunctional relationships, smart humor, three dimensional female characters and a tall woman coupled with a short man. It was also refreshing to see guilt that didn’t come from religion delved into. I liked how the movie and the people in it weren’t afraid to be ugly both physically and emotionally. The film itself however looks quite beautiful much like myself when I’m wielding a Phillips screwdriver.  

2. True Grit (Ethan and Joel Coen)

By making Mattie Ross the focus of the movie instead of Rooster Cogburn her character gained more depth in this simple and straightforward story. In a year where pretty much every comedy was a disappointment at best I appreciated getting to the end of the year and finally finding a film that made me laugh throughout the whole thing. The Coens have been firing on all cylinders for a while now that every movie delivers on the great anticipation we all have every autumn.

3. The Fighter (David O. Russell)

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a boxing movie that was about boxing and this one is no exception. The concept of family loyalty is put on trial and settled out of court for a small sum because the prosecutor has some pretty damning evidence up its sleeve. The defense however has an argument that will play upon the jury’s sympathy. Watching the case unfold is good old fashioned movie storytelling at its best except for that damn montage in the middle that uses an awful Red Hot Chili Peppers song. 

4. Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich)

While everyone made a big deal about how they cried at the end of this (which I don’t really understand) they forgot to mention that this was the best action/adventure of the year. While the toys hatch a Great Escape style scheme to get out of their Cool Hand Luke type prison we also get a critique of totalitarian regimes that implement their own perverted vision of a socialist utopia. If you can make it through the insufferable obligatory Randy Newman song then you’ll enjoy the hell out of this.

5. Fish Tank (Andrea Arnold)

Not only are the Brits better at doing our accents than we are at theirs, but they also are more talented at cursing. There’s just something about the way they can drop a “cunt” or “fuck” nonchalantly into a sentence that’s just so goddamned classy. Even when they make a neorealist movie like this about ostensible “white trash” the characters still come off 10 times more dignified than Oprah (since that’s the closest thing to royalty we have).

6. I Am Love (Luca Guadagnino)

I don’t know if anyone else has made this comparison but the ending of this for me was how The Graduate would’ve ended if Mrs. Robinson still had a soul. But the less you know about what this film builds to the better. Both foodies and passionate taboo sex fans will get off to certain scenes in this while others will enjoy watching a wealthy family crumble. It’s called recession comfort food.

7. The Ghost Writer (Roman Polanski)

There’s nothing like a good old fashioned well-made thriller. With a couple leaps of logic and some fantastical elements in there you could be a little skeptical while this story unfolds but I found myself even more riveted. There’s something about the premise and the characters that lock you in from the get go and you want to follow everything to its conclusion. Wait, I haven’t mentioned that Mr. Polanski had some legal trouble this year in regards to a sexual matter - every mention of this movie is legally required to bring that up.

8. Micmacs (Jean-Pierre Jeunet)

The criticism that Jeunet receives seems to be the same that Wes Anderson gets which is that they’ve developed a truly unique voice and executes it extremely well every time but for some reason people only like it once or twice and then start finding reasons to write it off. You’ll find these people praising The Social Network and LCD Soundsystem to the nines and then in a few years they’ll find new highfalutin reasons to like whatever is trendy that week. Micmacs is a fun and inventive revenge movie that blends silliness and earnestness in a way that I guess just isn’t very popular. Thank god. 

9. Cyrus (Jay and Mark Duplass)

John C. Reilly gets to play an actual adult here so you may want to take notice. While the story doesn’t have much complexity the characters get to have a little which is rare in a boy-meets-girl story. After spending last weekend with your family eating Christmas ham you’re probably feeling guilty about not wanting to call them for the next month. After watching this and The Fighter you will feel absolutely justified in cutting off contact with them until Lincoln’s birthday. 

10. Inside Job (Charles Ferguson)

A political documentary that doesn’t take aim at specific people in a political party as much as goes after the attitude of bowing to the altar of deregulation that has plagued the country for the last 30 years (OK, Reagan obviously gets some shit thrown at him but Clinton and Greenspan are the arguable biggest villains). The film shows how derivative markets were conceived and abused in a clear, concise way which is helpful given how complex finance has become. This movie does what every good political documentary does: pisses you off, makes you think and inspires you to light a bag of dog poo on the doorstep of Goldman Sachs. 

Honorable Mention:

Fair Game (Doug Liman)

Winter’s Bone (Debra Granik)

WORST TEN FILMS OF 2010

1. Love & Other Drugs (Edward Zwick)

There’s bad writing and there’s horrible writing. Luckily this movie has countless examples of both! Plus the characters tell each other how they’re feeling at all times instead of showing it. Then Anne Hathaway’s character gets to talk like a screenwriter who’s trying to show off instead of a human being. And if you’re going to make a period piece from the recent past it helps to actually get the details right since most of us actually remember 1997 quite vividly. Then there’s the dumb sex scenes and the awful humor and…..baaaaahhhh!

2. Stone (John Curran)

The sad comedies that Robert De Niro makes shouldn’t feel bad: he sleepwalks his way through dramas too. Even Edward Norton’s cornrows were embarrassed to be seen in this movie. They dropped their agent and are looking to sign with a guy who promised he could get them on Adrien Brody’s head for at least a month or two. Stone thinks the way to come across as dour is to bore you into submission for two hours. 

3. Get Him To The Greek (Nicholas Stoller)

It’s a rare feat to make a comedy film without any funny in it but this has achieved it on a level I haven’t seen since the Steve Martin remake of The Out-Of-Towners. If you want to see tedium personified in the form of a road trip movie/small-but-impossible task then watch this. If you value your short time on this planet, watch the paint dry on your walls instead. 

4. How Do You Know (James L. Brooks)

I’m not really sure what the characters in this movie want but I was given no reasons as to why they want anything either. The whole movie could be condensed down to 30 seconds with each person in it saying, “Wait, what’s happening?” with a confused look on their face. You’d get the same effect and more time on your hands to go across the hall to where they’re showing The Fighter.

5. The Tourist (Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck)

It’s not like any element of this is horrible per se, it’s just that all of the elements have nothing going for them at all so the sum of the parts turns out to be a rather glaring zero. The two big movie stars seem as bored as I am on a beer brewery tour. The plot twist at the end is so ridiculous and unearned but you could care less about what’s happening at that point you’ll just be glad it’s over. 

6. The Extra Man (Shari Springer Berman & Robert Pulcini)

Jonathan Ames has now replaced Dave Eggers as the author I most dread seeing in the credits on my TV or movie screen. There are about 4 different movies going on here and all of them are enamored of themselves even though they have the depth of a Petri dish. I hope Kevin Klein bought himself something nice with his paycheck for this and then burnt it for sacrifice unto the cinema gods.

7. Easy A (Will Gluck)

This movie was way too smug for its own good. Teenagers don’t speak in hyper literate paragraphs peppered with 80s film references. They also don’t come up with clever little schemes to highlight then ultimately validate society’s sexual hypocrisy. They did get the part right about a lot of them looking like 25-year-old sex goddesses though. 

8. MacGruber (Jorma Taccone)

Will Forte was the funniest cast member on SNL for the last 8 years if you ask me. I worry that because of his fearlessness Hollywood is going to try to dumb him down and steer him toward the Will Ferrell/Zack Galifianakis route of playing characters who are the crazy guy that shoves fruit up his ass. Please don’t. Leave that to the Pope. 

9. Chloe (Atom Egoyan)

There was something interesting in the idea for this but then it was buried under a pile of cliché and titillation. The symbolism in the film is so obvious it has the nuance of the Republicans’ 2010 Pledge To America. If you’re a fan of cheesy, melodramatic thrillers and/or tits then you’re in luck. OK, after reading that last sentence I’m not sure if I hated this movie after all. 

10. It’s Kind Of A Funny Story (Anna Boden & Ryan Fleck)

As much as I wanted to give the worst acting of the year award to Amanda Seyfried for Chloe, it was truly earned by Keir Gilchrist who I guess won his role in some sort of radio call-in contest or something. He plays a spoiled, rich New York kid who wastes the valuable resources of an underfunded mental hospital because he gets a little stressed out and thinks about killing himself for a minute. As someone who contemplates suicide everyday that I have to wake up before 10:00am I wanted to scream out the entire time, “So fucking what? You’re going to be fine. You’ll more than likely become a CEO one day and lay me off. Learn how to play golf and get over yourself.”

Dishonorable Mention:

Dinner For Schmucks (Jay Roach)

The Other Guys (Adam McKay)

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE

These are movies that we were all told we were supposed to think highly of because consensus ain’t just a river in Egypt. Wait, that doesn’t work in that context. Anyway here are the over hyped movies that are quite forgettable:

Greenberg (Noah Baumbach)

Joan Rivers: A Piece Of Work (Ricki Stern & Anne Sundberg)

The Kids Are Alright (Lisa Cholodenko)

Shutter Island (Martin Scorsese)

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (Edgar Wright)

Everyone Else (Maren Ade)

The King’s Speech (Tom Hooper)

Inception (Christopher Nolan)

Previous Years In Review

A Live Music Trend That Annoys Me That’s Not Festival-Related

Over the last 5 years it seems that a new trend has been gaining popularity: an established band playing their most critically acclaimed album in its entirety live. Sometimes they make a whole tour out of it.

The Flaming Lips to perform The Soft Bulletin in London - All Tomorrow’s Parties

This rubs me the wrong way.

Most of the appeal of seeing a band play live, especially a band with a handful of albums under their belt, is getting a taste of their whole catalog interpreted by where they are as a band at that moment. To me it’s always been about the juxtaposition of newer songs with older ones that discombobulates your pre-established association with what song is supposed to come after the next from listening to these albums so many times.

When I plunk down an ungodly amount of money (it always is) to see a band like play, I want an experience that is at least somewhat of a departure of what I get every other time I listen to the artist’s catalog. And don’t forget that they’re playing the albums in order, so you know exactly what song is coming up next - there’s no mystery damnit!

Playing an album in its entirety live doesn’t make any sense - it’s like cheating on your wife with her identical twin.

Live Blogging The 2010 State Of The Union Address

What’s more of a relief: to have a guy with a reading level above the 6th grade giving this address for the first time in 8 years, or to not have to stare at Denny Hastert standing behind the president all night? I can’t decide. I know that Nancy Pelosi has been Speaker of the House and got to sit beside Dick Cheney for the last couple of years but the image of Hastert staring off into the distance daydreaming about the 7 Chalupas he’s going to pick up on the way home is what I associate with State of the Union speeches. But even that has to be better than having to watch that dickhead Newt Gingrich occupy that spot before. With every new Speaker you ever-so-slightly improve the level of irritation. Judging by the current path we’re on, I look forward to Madame Speaker Fran Drescher in the year 2025.

Anyway, let’s watch some speechifying:

8:07 - Wouldn’t it be awesome if, after having to shake all of these old Congressman’s hands, Obama would whip out some hand sanitizer at his podium and clean up in front of everyone? Then he could show he was serious about those swine flue prevention tips.

8:10 - Clap clap clappity clap clap. I’m already tapped out.

8:12 - Starting out with some historical context, who does this guy think we are? Next thing you know, he’ll appeal to our human side and not blame all of our problems on Muslims being evil.

8:15 - I don’t think any of us understand why bad behavior on Wall St. is rewarded and Main St. is fucked, not just some of us. OK, we understand it, we’re just pissed off about it. We kind of want you to be too.

8:16 - People are coaching little league? Can towns even afford little league anymore. I assume they’re all in the same financial state that the Mighty Ducks were in before Coach Gordon came along.

8:18 - “We all hated the bank bailout.” Maybe in the same way people hated Avatar: a lot of people hated it but the fucker was so omniscient that it didn’t matter.

8:22 - I’m liking Obama’s casual and conversational tone here. It takes the hubris and pomp out of the whole procedural part of this thing.

8:24 - Retirement funds starting to gain value is like Orson Welles circa 1978 dropping 5 pounds, an encouraging sign I suppose, but far from something to write home about.

8:26 - There are small business owners still making money? I guess Korean rub-and-tug establishments count as small business. That and foreclosure sign shops.

8:28 - Like we need any infrastructure funding…pfft. I was just telling someone today while waiting for the bus forever in the cold while staring at the pothole-riddled road that I hope we stop wasting so much money on our robust American infrastructure.

8:31 - “How long should America put it’s future on hold?” Excellent question and I’m so sick of being told to just grit our teeth and make it through this period or that one. Being in constant “just wait” mode can disillusion a person.

8:33 - “We can’t let the lobbyists win this fight.” Can we let them win any fight? Certainly we have, but I’d be ok if we turned them into the Washington Generals to our Harlem Globetrotters.

8:35 - Don’t applaud clean coal. You might as well applaud a Tooth Fairy reform bill while you’re at it. How can you legislatively pursue something that doesn’t exist?

8:37 - Of course I just said that as he brought up global warming and the flat-earthers started farting in the back.

8:40 - Do you think George W. Bush is watching this or is he flipping between this and reruns of Wings. What am I saying? He went to bed 40 minutes ago.

8:42 - OK, the student debt being lowered if you go into public service thing was a good one. Teddy Kennedy’s giant Irish head would’ve been proud. If that passes they should name it after him or Sergeant Shriver.

8:44 - He’s claiming credit for taking on health care which would be ok if he would’ve taken it more seriously and not left the monkeys in the Senate to poo and masturbate all over it.

8:46 - We haven’t become skeptical of the health care bill because of how long it’s taken. We’ve become skeptical because it’s had so much of it’s teeth removed that it might as well be a hockey goalie.

8:49 - I like that he’s explaining how much Bush and co. took a shit on the economy and spent us into the poor house. The Democrats wanted to start applauding the mere mention of the 2000 surplus and he silenced them. Classy move. I’m expecting a Joe Wilson-like shout at any moment here from the other side.

8:54 - Can someone explain the government spending freeze to me? I don’t know what it means, I don’t understand what will change, I don’t understand how it will be implemented and it’s so vague that it doesn’t register with me.

8:56 - Try some common sense? This is a suggestion that has never been given to me by a politician. By golly, that’s just crazy enough to work! Let’s go…eat donuts? I don’t know.

8:58 - When he just talked about elections being funded by special interests why didn’t we get a shot of the Supreme Court hanging their heads in shame and maybe Anthony Kennedy realizing he was on camera and quickly removing the pistol from his mouth?

9:00 - “What frustrates Americans is a Washington where everyday is Election Day.” No fucking shit!

9:02 - He just told the Democrats to not run for the hills. They are all clapping. “Yes, we have no idea what the fuck we’re doing! Yay for us! We give the Republicans most everything they want! Please keep electing us.”

9:05 - We’re an hour into this thing and terrorism is just now being brought up. Look for Fox News to ignore everything that has come before this and somehow make this their proof that Obama isn’t concerned about terrorism. Of course I hope it drops about 10 notches on his priority list.

9:09 - I wanted to bring this up earlier, but a lot of his jokes and candid moments remind me of when speakers in my high school chapel would try and win points with us in the audience while droning on about how God wants you to kiss him or whatever they were saying.

9:12 - America’s greatest source of stregnth has always been our ideals. Although lately I think that’s been usurped by our stockpile of weapons. Lots and lots of weapons. Of mass destruction come to think of it. And we haven’t shown ourselves to be the most stable owners of them for quite a while.

9:14 - How has there not been an equal pay law already? It’s like discovering one of those town that still have segregated proms. It’s embarrassing and pisses you off.

9:16 - “No wonder there’s so much cynicism out there. No wonder there’s so much disappointment.” At least he seems to get it. Or he at least puts effort into pretending to get it. I do think the 2002 era Obama would’ve been one of the disillusioned ones. I hope he’s elbowing his way in a little bit.

9:21 - Are we just helping the Haitians so they’ll chant “U.S.A! U.S.A.!”? Because you can get that at any truck rally. But if you want that from a foreign country, I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

9:21 - “Thank you and good night. Michelle and I will be over at the Sizzler if you want to chit chat about any of this. Hurry up and get over there for a good seat so you don’t get stuck next to Harry Reid.”

That felt more like a casual and straightforward Obama speech than a Presidential State of the Union speech. I don’t really know if that’s good or bad or what it even means. Turn on the talking blowhards if you want an unenlightened opinion on the matter or if you want to hear about what this means for _____. I’m going to do something much more productive and go drink a Gatorade.