What will be said tonight? Who will win? Who will lose? Will the president gain some momentum for his domestic policy at home? Will the Republicans capitalize on any misstep and parlay that into persuading toward their message? And what will the prospects for the race in 2016 look like after tonight? Will some new contenders emerge? I guess we’ll all have to tune into all the coverage to find out! Please have me murdered immediately.
If you’re playing a drinking game at home, take a sip every time gun control and education are addressed by saying we need to come together and put forward reasonable solutions to these problems. That way you won’t wake up from your black out until President Jenna Bush makes room in the Oval Office for her dad’s paintings.
8:04 - As always I have C-SPAN on to get the raw feed and so I don’t have to hear Chuck Todd’s take on what the first lady is communicating with her breathing patterns.
8:07 - Still nothin’. The vibe in the room kind of reminds me of Sunday morning at church before the service has started. God will get way more shout outs during this.
8:10 - Here he is. Is it really presidential of him to walk in eating a Taco Bell cheesy Gordita crunch?
8:13 - Eric Cantor is shaking hands with the ferocity and passion that Marcus Bachmann brings when he is checking his wife’s breasts for smoothness.
8:16 - Starting off with a JFK quote, this guy really wants to get laid before Valentine’s Day.
8:18 - Fox News writers are furiously working on typing up talking points about how long this fuckin’ guy took to say that the state of the union is strong. Like one of those movies who will have a whole bunch of scenes for 15 minutes at the beginning before the title appears.
8:20 - Notice how every speech President Obama gives he always has to have part of it dedicated to explaining to the mouth breathers that yes, government isn’t literally going to wipe your ass for you. No wonder he’s so gray.
8:23 - The camera just showed Michelle Bachmann dumbfounded at the gall of the President to say that her party might not have the best ideas in the world when it comes to economic matters. In her defense, she still thinks Obama is the guy who used to work at the Arby’s by her house.
8:25 - Paul Ryan really liked the “don’t fuck with Social Security for people who are old now” thing. Dude is really into the art of surprise.
8:28 - “Let’s put party interest aside”? Then what will the news networks talk about? Substance? Historical context? Steve Doocy’s problem with dressing up like his mom when he stabs women in the shower?
8:30 - You would think everyone would be behind the smart government not bigger government sentiment but I suppose petulant children aren’t always the most keen to admit someone on the other side could have a point. They’re like rappers who have to act tough.
8:36 - We need to encourage the natural gas boom? Are we talking about the rush to use natural gas as an alternative energy source to coal or the boom that happens in the kitchen every time Herb goes in to wash his hands?
8:42 - You may want to take note that half the room was not into the idea of preschool for poor kids. They are considering letting them have their own rusty spoons to eat gruel with however.
8:48 - All of this reasonable substance sure is making it hard to point out…hey, there’s Joe Biden who I assume is tripping balls right now.
8:51 - 9 dollars an hour hooray! Goodbye double cheeseburgers and hello quarter pounders!
8:55 - “The war in Afghanistan will be over”…if you’re an American. If you’re in the path of a drone, well not so much.
8:59 - When does the monorail guy come into the room and talk everyone into his idea?
9:03 - Now when you say we’ll stand with Israel do you really mean it? Could you get down on your knees and show us how you’ll cup their balls just so we can be sure?
9:07 - First suggestion to improve the voting experience in America: maybe have it resemble a little less like the garage sale we held at our house in 1989.
9:09 - Um, does anyone have their eye on Ted Nugent during this part? Was he required to check his crossbow-shaped knapsack at the door?
9:11 - Who is chanting? And what are they chanting? What did that woman just scream? This is not a cock fight, people. Although I do think they could use a guy walking around hawking nachos because if Carl Levin’s blood sugar drops he will start eating Debbie Stabenow’s hair.
9:16 - I will say the gun stuff/ending was quite eloquent but people will bitch that there were no specifics and maybe rightfully so. I don’t know if that would’ve been helpful in this setting or not but there are a lot of people getting paid a lot of money to pretend that they know on TV right now.
And now church is out and everyone is figuring out where they’re going to go for friend chicken or Chinese food. If they’re like the people at my church they’ll just go to wherever my family isn’t to avoid the smell. May God bless America and may God damn Chile (they know what they did).
Click here for past past examples of this nonsense.
It’s now 2013. I shall look back over the previous year and rank my favorite music and movies. I shall not be deterred by fear, anger, squalor or the South.
Of course, the best and worst movie of the year is the one I made called You’re A Good Man, Sister or as it will soon be referred to, Seward’s Folly:
Perhaps you want to hear the top ten jokes of the year I told on the internet radio. Only half of them include punchlines with spittoon in them:
Now let’s move on to people who know what the hell they’re doing:
TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2012
1. Cloud Nothings Attack on Memory
“A house divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this government cannot endure, permanently, half slave and half free. I do not expect the Union to be dissolved; I do not expect the house to fall; but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing, or all the other.”
2. Titus Andronicus Local Business
“Let him consider, not only what work the machinery is adapted to do, and how well adapted, but also let him study the history of its construction and trace, if he can, or rather fail, if he can, to trace the evidences of design and concert of action among its chief architects, from the beginning.”
3. The Raveonettes Observator
“Nothing valuable can be lost by taking time. If there be an object to hurry any of you in hot haste to a step which you would never take deliberately, that object will be frustrated by taking time; but no good object can be frustrated by it. Such of you as are now dissatisfied still have the old Constitution unimpaired, and, on the sensitive point, the laws of your own framing under it; while the new Administration will have no immediate power, if it would, to change either. If it were admitted that you who are dissatisfied hold the right side in the dispute, there still is no single good reason for precipitate action. Intelligence, patriotism, Christianity, and a firm reliance on Him who has never yet forsaken this favored land are still competent to adjust in the best way all our present difficulty.”
4. Bob Dylan Tempest
“Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman’s two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said ‘the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.’”
5. Woods Bend Beyond
“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.”
6. Ty Segall Twins
“It is safe to assert that no government proper ever had a provision in its organic law for its own termination. Continue to execute all the express provisions of our National Constitution, and the Union will endure forever, it being impossible to destroy it except by some action not provided for in the instrument itself.”
7. A.C. Newman Shut Down the Streets
“The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself, and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.”
8. Animal Collective Centipede Hz
“By the frame of the Government under which we live this same people have wisely given their public servants but little power for mischief, and have with equal wisdom provided for the return of that little to their own hands at very short intervals. While the people retain their virtue and vigilance no Administration by any extreme of wickedness or folly can very seriously injure the Government in the short space of four years.”
9. Best Coast The Only Place
“It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God’s assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men’s faces, but let us judge not, that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered.”
10. Cody ChesnuTT Landing On A Hundred
“Both parties deprecated war, but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive, and the other would accept war rather than let it perish, and the war came.”
of MontrealParalytic Stalks
M. Ward A Wasteland Companion
Ben Folds Five The Sound of the Life of the Mind
Corin Tucker Band Kill My Blues
Lee Ranaldo Between The Times And The Tides
TOP TEN SONGS OF 2012
1. Ben Folds Five “Do It Anyway”
“We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live.”
2. Best Coast “The Only Place”
”We cannot dedicate—we cannot consecrate—we cannot hallow—this ground.”
3. Titus Andronicus “In A Big City”
“We are met on a great battlefield of that war…It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.”
4. The Raveonettes “Young And Cold”
“The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.”
5. Lee Ranaldo “Xtina As I Knew Her”
“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.”
6. Animal Collective “Today’s Supernatural”
“If we could first know where we are and whither we are tending, we could better judge what to do and how to do it.”
7. Tenacious D “The Ballad Of Hollywood Jack And The Rage Kage”
“It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion…”
8. DIIV “Doused”
“It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.”
9. Big Boi “Apple Of My Eye”
“But, so far, Congress only had acted; and an endorsement by the people, real or apparent, was indispensable to save the point already gained and give chance for more.”
10. Sic Alps “Wake Up, It’s Over II”
“The people were to be left ‘perfectly free,’ ‘subject only to the Constitution.’ What the Constitution had to do with it, outsiders could not then see.”
TOP TEN FILMS OF 2012
1. Bernie (Richard Linklater)
“Apprehension seems to exist among the people of the Southern States that by the accession of a Republican Administration their property and their peace and personal security are to be endangered. There has never been any reasonable cause for such apprehension. Indeed, the most ample evidence to the contrary has all the while existed and been open to their inspection.”
2. Django Unchained (Quentin Tarantino)
“Plainly the central idea of secession is the essence of anarchy. A majority held in restraint by constitutional checks and limitations, and always changing easily with deliberate changes of popular opinions and sentiments, is the only true sovereign of a free people. Whoever rejects it does of necessity fly to anarchy or to despotism. Unanimity is impossible. The rule of a minority, as a permanent arrangement, is wholly inadmissible; so that, rejecting the majority principle, anarchy or despotism in some form is all that is left.”
3. Moonrise Kingdom (Wes Anderson)
“I do suggest that it will be much safer for all, both in official and private stations, to conform to and abide by all those acts which stand unrepealed than to violate any of them trusting to find impunity in having them held to be unconstitutional.”
4. Killer Joe (William Friedkin)
“That of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes. ‘Woe unto the world because of offenses; for it must needs be that offenses come, but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh.’”
5. The House I Live In(Eugene Jarecki)
“Either the opponents of slavery will arrest the further spread of it and place it where the public mind shall rest in the belief that it is in the course of ultimate extinction, or its advocates will push it forward till it shall become alike lawful in all the states, old as well as new, North as well as South.”
6. The Master (Paul Thomas Anderson)
“Why should there not be a patient confidence in the ultimate justice of the people? Is there any better or equal hope in the world? In our present differences, is either party without faith of being in the right? If the Almighty Ruler of Nations, with His eternal truth and justice, be on your side of the North, or on yours of the South, that truth and that justice will surely prevail by the judgment of this great tribunal of the American people.”
7. Not Fade Away (David Chase)
“It will throw additional light on the latter to go back and run the mind over the string of historical facts already stated. Several things will now appear less dark and mysterious than they did when they were transpiring.”
8. Take This Waltz (Sarah Polley)
“Plainly enough, now, it was an exactly fitted niche for the Dred Scott decision to afterward come in and declare the perfect freedom of the people to be just no freedom at all.”
9. The Comedy (Rick Alverson)
“And might it not be well at the same time to provide by law for the enforcement of that clause in the Constitution which guarantees that ‘the citizens of each State shall be entitled to all privileges and immunities of citizens in the several States’?”
10. Jeff, Who Lives At Home (Jay & Mark Duplass)
“…That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
Seven Psychopaths (Martin McDonagh)
Silver Linings Playbook (David O. Russell)
Turn Me On, Dammit! (Jannicke Systad Jacobsen)
Dark Horse (Todd Solondz)
WORST TEN FILMS OF 2012
1. American Reunion (Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg)
“To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union even by war, while the Government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war the magnitude or the duration which it has already attained.”
2. 2 Days In New York (Julie Delpy)
“Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with or even before the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible and pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid against the other.”
3. The Loneliest Planet (Julia Loktev)
“Before entering upon so grave a matter as the destruction of our national fabric, with all its benefits, its memories, and its hopes, would it not be wise to ascertain precisely why we do it? Will you hazard so desperate a step while there is any possibility that any portion of the ills you fly from have no real existence? Will you, while the certain ills you fly to are greater than all the real ones you fly from, will you risk the commission of so fearful a mistake?”
4. Premium Rush (David Koepp)
“Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented.”
5. Hitchcock (Sacha Gervasi)
“But if destruction of the Union by one or by a part only of the States be lawfully possible, the Union is less perfect than before the Constitution, having lost the vital element of perpetuity.”
6. The Paperboy (Lee Daniels)
“Again: If the United States be not a government proper, but an association of States in the nature of contract merely, can it, as acontract, be peaceably unmade by less than all the parties who made it?”
7. Hyde Park On Hudson (Robert Michell)
“We are now far into the fifth year since a policy was initiated with the avowed object and confident promise of putting an end to slavery agitation. Under the operation of that policy, that agitation has not only not ceased but has constantly augmented.”
8. 21 Jump Street (Phil Lord & Chris Miller)
“If we shall suppose that American slavery is one of those offenses which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South this terrible war as the woe due to those by whom the offense came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a living God always ascribe to Him?”
9. Bachelorette (Leslye Headland)
“Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away.”
10. This Is 40 (Judd Apatow)
“If a minority in such case will secede rather than acquiesce, they make a precedent which in turn will divide and ruin them, for a minority of their own will secede from them whenever a majority refuses to be controlled by such minority.”
Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World (Lorene Scafaria)
The Sessions (Ben Lewin)
Red Hook Summer (Spike Lee)
God Bless America (Bobcat Goldthwait)
Friends With Kids (Jennifer Westfeldt)
DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE
“The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.”
Lincoln (Steven Spielberg)
Argo (Ben Affleck)
Bully (Lee Hirsch)
Your Sister’s Sister (Lynn Shelton)
Looper (Rian Johnson)
Sorry I’m late, but I was standing out on the street for the last three hours randomly clapping and holding up signs at any random passerby who would acknowledge me. Imagine the look of confusion on their face when they saw me decked out in Al Smith garb. Well, it’s the third installment and as we all know, that’s always the weakest part of any trilogy and by no coincidence this is John Kerry’s night to speak…to people. They’re actually letting that guy speak to people. Without it being a condition of a ransom or some sort of lost bet. This will all be over soon and we can pretend this didn’t happen. Kind of like the Republicans and 2001-2008.
10:49 - Gabrielle Giffords is coming out to lead the pledge of allegiance and the crowd is going nuts. Wouldn’t it be great if she just stopped in the middle of the pledge and lectured the democrats to get some fucking balls and actually talk about gun control?
10:51 - The crowd keeps chanting something after she left but I have no clue what it was. I think it was their barbecue order. They’d like the pork sandwich, please.
10:54 - Caroline Kennedy is back this year after being a big deal that she spoke in 2008. C-SPAN’s camera keeps cutting away from her to show Jesse Jackson walking down the stairs to his seat with a conviction of a prize fighter. Is he about to bum rush the stage or something? I’m very confused.
10:59 - Is it time for Obama to speak yet? How about he just speaks now and the rest of the time they just show old Little Rascal shorts?
11:00 - I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a convention with so many speeches so similar to each other. I feel like I’m in Groundhog Day without a toaster and a bathtub.
11:03 - Xavier Becerra is speaking or as the delegates call it: the bathroom break.
11:04 - Jennifer Granholm is from the great state of Michigan? I wonder what country she’s from because our Michigan sucks ass.
11:07 - Granholm is pandering at a level so high that it would make Katy Perry say, “Jesus Christ, Jen.”
11:10 - Her capillaries are about to burst out of her face. This is the most pep rally-esque I’ve seen this thing get so far and naturally I’m turned off and the crowd is elated. Can someone point me to a corner where I can smoke and make sarcastic comments with some burnouts?
11:11 - Eva Longoria? Why? I thought it was the Republican’s thing to tout the vapid celebrities who support them and get elected by them.
11:15 - “The Eva Longoria who worked at Wendy’s flipping burgers needed a tax cut. The Eva Longoria who works on movie sets does not.” - Eva Longoria. Good, nothing says down to earth like a celebrity who refers to herself in the third person.
11:16 - “Let’s fight for the American dream.” Alright I’m ready. Which side do I fight on again?
11:17 - Brian Schweitzer is back. I remember him being one of my favorites from the 2008 convention. But like many things you liked in your 20s perhaps this will be regrettable.
11:20 - Mitt Romney quadrupled the fee for gun licenses in Massachusetts? That sounds like one of his more redeemable traits, no?
11:24 - Schweitzer is insinuating that Bin Laden is in hell right now. These are educated adults we’ve elected to make complex decisions about our future. Looking forward to his theories on the tooth fairy as a web exclusive later.
11:26 - Whoa, a Republican is here and is arguing that Reagan would be too left for today’s Republican party. Wonder if he’ll mention that he’d be too left for today’s Democrats too.
11:31 - Crist is so orange that I think we may all owe John Boehner an apology. Of course then he’d start crying.
11:33 - They’re showing a clip from the ‘84 convention. Good call, use the greatest hits from the election that you only won one state in. Why not break out some of the cuts from ‘72 while you’re at it?
11:35 - What in the sam hell happened to John Kerry’s face? It makes Courtney Cox’s look human.
11:38 - John Kerry’s voice is like an aphrodisiac for my eyelids. They just want to lower their defenses and snuggle together.
11:39 - “Ask Osama Bin Laden if he is better off now than he was four years ago.” OK, that line was pretty badass. Simplistic and a little shallow, but you could hear Clint Eastwood saying back when he was still using a toilet.
11:42 - Let me get this straight: John Kerry, the guy who was in those debates in 2004, is criticizing Mitt Romney for taking too many positions on the war? Is Howard Dean going to come out next and criticize Chris Christie for being too excitable?
11:47 - Tom Hanks is narrating a film about veterans and what’s odd is the DNC didn’t even ask him to. They just were in the editing bay with footage of veterans and they turned around and he was reading passages about how flags hang from porches on Veteran’s Day. They said it was a little creepy.
11:58 - This is the serious veteran part of the evening and there’s not much to add. I’m curious because I didn’t get to see it, but did the Republicans do something similar?
12:05 - Some college student is introducing Jill Biden which you would think would hopefully buy her an “A” this semester but those incorrect margins are just unforgivable honey. Sorry.
12:08 - What subject does Jill Biden teach? I’m guessing science because she probably had to help him come up with a strong compound to hold those hair plugs in place. Cue bicycle horn.
12:12 - She kept that short and sweet and I’ve never seen a look of relief that she had when she was coming off stage. Now it’s nothing but pina coladas and Country Home magazine back issues for the rest of the night…ahhh.
12:14 - Yeah, I’m sure his parents told him he could president or vice president. No one’s parents tells a kid they can be vice president because no one has ever wanted that job before they’re asked to be it. Ebenezer Scrooge wouldn’t have told Tiny Tim he could be vice president because it would’ve been too mean for him.
12:20 - Biden enters to Jackie Wilson and the crowd gives him the polite enthusiasm contractually required for the vice president. Good Lord am I tired. Still on Scotland time a bit I think.
12:23 - Biden accepted the nomination for VP. Looks like I owe my neighbor Gary $20. Now I’m going to have to see that smug little look on his face while he walks around in nothing but that damn skimpy apron. He’s a weird dude.
12:26 - Gather ‘round the fireplace, kids. Ol’ Joe is about to spin a yarn. This is from the chapter of the global financial collapse! It will be as heartwarming as last night’s tale from the Dust Bowl.
12:29 - Biden is speaking like he’s having an actual conversation with a person instead of giving a motivational speech to a big crowd and it’s quite refreshing. None of the big names have spoke like this so far. Wait a minute, he’s going back into rally mode. Maybe that was just the quiet part of the song like the verse in a Pixies tune.
12:36 - Joe’s dad sold cars? That makes perfect sense to me. I wonder if he got his drug war startin’ genes from his mother.
12:37 - He just stopped someone from booing Mitt Romney. I have to admit, that was classy. Of course when he pulls out his handkerchief to wipe his forehead off in a few seconds and it will have meatball and lipstick stains all over it things will balance out.
12:41 - And now the “Bin Laden is dead” portion of the speech. When do they unveil his head on a stick to pass around?
12:43 - As someone who was the most emotionally invested in the 2004 election thus far anyway, it’s very jarring to see the Democrats calling the Republicans pussies when it comes to killing terrorists. It’s like lecturing your parents about the food they’re eating.
12:49 - The guy who brought you the bankruptcy bill in 2005 (aka, the blow job to the credit card companies) is getting all high and mighty about jobs being sent overseas. But I guess he was certainly watching out for the jobs of those Delaware copmanies, so that’s something I guess!
12:54 - “We have no intention of downsizing the American Dream.” Well that would be pretty hard at this point. Like splitting the atom.
12:56 - How do we have a future where our dependence on foreign oil has decreased but the auto industry is thriving? More cars means more driving and more gas and even more rustproofing. Damn you, Mr. Ted’s Crazy World of Wheels!
12:59 - Michelle Obama has been very emotional during this speech. Is it because she finally has had a chance to step back and reflect on the accomplishments of her husband or because she’s so relieved to see Biden sober?
1:00 - Jill and Joe Biden have to hug each other out on stage in front of everyone because this is America.
1:02 - Dick Durbin enters to a Prince song and now I want to rewind and see if Kerry came out to Rick Ross.
1:03 - Yes, Dick everyone remembers Obama speaking at the convention in 2004 and his inauguration in 2009. We have YouTube, you don’t have to walk us down memory lane.
1:05 - Just bring the motherfucker out, we don’t need to hear his resume for the 2543th time. We know he passed the health care bill and the Lilly Ledbetter law by now. Just to hear something different, will someone talk about the President’s golf game please?
1:07 - Another film? Just bring the man out and let him do his thing already. Wait, is that George Clooney narrating? Are they going to show Fantastic Mr. Fox next? Now I kind of want that to happen instead.
1:15 - Michelle is back and half the crowd is disappointed her husband is speaking instead of her.
1:16 - U2? Entering to U2? Would it kill you to put on some Meters?
1:18 - What happened to the little girls he had at the last convention? One of them is taller than me and looks just about as good in a dress.
1:20 - “If you’re sick of hearing me say ‘I approve this message,’ believe me, so am I.” That’s a hell of a line and I imagine it’s true. If I heard my voice at the end of the type of ads that are making this country worse every 2 minutes I’d go a little gray too.
1:22 - Wait, how are Sasha and Malia going to go to school tomorrow when they’re in Charlotte now? Do they fly right back to Washington immediately after this? Do they just sit in at a Charlotte school tomorrow? Or do they just wake up tomorrow, throw on a Mr. Rogers classic and call it a day? Where’s the hard hitting investigative journalism on this one James O’Keefe?
1:25 - Invoking FDR when talking about fixing our financial situation. I’m sure Fox and the right wing blogs will take that reasonably tomorrow and not really pay much attention to it. I should also mention that I was just born about 4 hours ago.
1:27 - “We (Americans) are making things again.” That’s right, thanks to our thirst for tech products we’ve created a whole suicide prevention industry in China!
1:30 - The incumbent president is actually calling out oil companies for taking corporate welfare? Hold on if I’m tripping balls I want to put on The Beatles’ Revolver.
1:34 - It seems like I’ve heard this Obama speech many times before although it’s usually not 1:30AM and I’m not eating an ungodly amount of french toast.
1:36 - I just spotted Don Cheadle sitting close to John Kerry and I’m now convinced that both of them are watching the stage and think they both should get the chance to play Obama in a movie.
1:37 - “My opponent and his running mate are…new to foreign policy.” Zing! Can we talk about the Romney kids’ first names next please?
1:40 - I’m so exhausted that I don’t think I’m getting everything out of this that I could be. Also, why does my TV show Obama wearing a pajama hat sleeping on a his hands in a bed made out of puppies? The researchers are right - being tired is worse than being drunk.
1:52 - Obama needs these people to vote in November. Bah! He didn’t mention who they should vote for. What if they screw it up and vote for Pat Buchanan?
OK, he’s done and the families are up on stage the confetti is about to fly which means I get to sleep now. Let’s meet back here in four years, shall we? Hopefully you can find your way back at that time since the country will be a socialist post-apocalyptic hellscape where demons will gnaw at your flesh unless you’re on a death panel or something. It’s been real.
I’m not sure if starting an hour earlier tonight is a good idea or if now I’ll only live to age 59 from what will seep into my psyche but what the hey? Tonight is supposed to be Bill Clinton’s big night but I have a feeling yet again the smart lady of the evening will be the one to steal the show. Instead of drinking every time that health care or Bin Laden is mentioned, I’ll be eating a piece of British chocolate mostly because I’m working on my late era Jim Morrison look. You can drink every time I mention lizards and expose my penis this evening.
7:06 - They have a lady on stage actually praising Planned Parenthood? You’re democrats, aren’t you supposed to only support that organization when you’re whispering around scented candles in your safe room and then when the Republicans shit all over it you sheepishly duck out of the room? I thought I knew you, donkey!
7:10 - Oh that’s right, they like to talk about how tough they are on reproductive rights to each other meanwhile if you live in a lot of states, you have to plan a roadtrip like you’re following the Grateful Dead just because some dolt wanted to feel the real thing. At least that’s what it says in my baby book.
7:14 - Women are staying with the president, who brought them to this dance. No word yet on if they’re going to let him awkwardly finger them afterward before they go home and eat some cereal while watching an old That ’70s Show rerun.
7:16 - This is Ann Richards’ daughter? I’ll be damned. There’s a lot of love for her here in Charlotte much like in the same way they showed it for Julian Castro last night. Is that a southern thing? Here’s Steny Hoyer to defray some of that pesky enthusiasm.
7:19 - We’re going to revitalize manufacturing in America according to Hoyer. Is he volunteering to let Asian slaves make every item in our house in Ohio because that might make them even more depressed. Oh wait, he’s from Maryland. Damn, doesn’t work with that. Curse you, Hoyer!
7:22 - Steny, Steny…ixnay on the obsjay reationcray.
7:24 - Don’t you love it when the democrats call out republican candidates that voted for Iraq as if the majority of them didn’t grab their ankles at the same time and say, “Well surely Bush and Cheney can’t fuck it up too bad.”?
7:30 - Sorry, I had to dry some clothes. What did I miss? A Vietnam vet just got done speaking who seemed like the kind of character that isn’t allowed to speak at these things anymore because of having one of those crazy unique personalities. How do you think Harry Reid has lasted so long?
7:34 - I have nothing to say about Eric Shinseki, but he just spoke. Didn’t much care for his tie I guess.
7:37 - John Hickenlooper might be the biggest nerd that I’ve seen on this stage so far this week. I’m just waiting for him to snort while he laughs at one of these jokes and then accidentally starts describing his World of Warcraft character attributes.
7:42 - “As another skinny democrat with a funny last name…” - John Hickenlooper. Somewhere James K. Polk is wondering if he qualifies.
7:45 - After listening to Sister Simone talk for a bit can we just have the women be the only ones to speak at this thing? There would be far less groans from me.
7:48 - Notice how when they have speakers who aren’t politicians the audience actually connects with them and it’s almost like there’s real communication going on?
7:49 - Sister Simone was one of the least churchy speakers so far. She’s probably in the back now telling God to step his fuckin’ shit up if he wants to keep up with her ass.
7:50 - “I am privileged to be the governor of Deleware” - Jack Markell. Why is it that the second before he said that a little red dot appeared right between his eyes?
7:54 - If I were placing Jack Markell on the charisma scale he would be in between Al Gore and Tom Vilsack. Why do I feel like Dennis Miller now?
7:57 - Seriously, was this guy a former vice principle at a junior high school? Can we send him to be one now?
7:59 - The Small Business Administration Administrator is at the podium, so I’ll bet you’re sorry now that you just took the Sunday Times into the bathroom, aren’t you? Oh well, your loss. Guess you’ll just have to overhear the juicy details about changes to the Short Term Disability Act from in there!
8:01 - MItt, I think we have found a woman robotic enough for you. Just be sure you and Karen Mills use plenty of oil, we don’t want the two of you to rust now do we?
8:02 - Another video is starting and this one is about…small business! Time for me to go get a drink that probably came from a company that would crush this guy’s business if they were aware that it existed.
8:05 - Why is small business all about brewers all of the sudden? Are the adult baseball card collectors going to be heard from next?
8:07 - God this is boring. I remember it always being dull in the past, but this convention so far seems to be lacking all of the raw meat eating and foaming at the mouth that the crowd seemed to have had in years past. Is it because the delegates can’t afford the trashy liquor this year?
8:09 - What is this “middle class” the lady speaks of? Is that what the kids read about in their history books when your parents saw you before 9:30 at night on a goddamn Wednesday?
8:13 - Another video? Oh this one’s about immigration. Lou Dobbs erection he had while watching Kamala Harris just deflated like a balloon you accidentally stabbed with your idea pencil.
8:17 - I have never heard of Cristina Saralegui but I hope this doesn’t start some sort of precedent of talk show hosts speaking because I can’t handle seeing Jay Leno ride in on a motorcycle and asking the delegates how many people are in the Senate.
8:20 - Gotta go get my clothes out of the dryer. Let me know what kind of desk piece this lady does.
8:28 - I’m back and for some reason the CarMax guy is speaking because the democrats apparently need someone to speak for them who runs a place that you go to when you’ve run out of options and you figure you’ll just get something to last you 2 more months.
8:33 - It’s time for car talk or what’s known as no one mentioning anything about public transportation and it’s desperate need for revitalization. Oh well, at least cars now are getting 32mpg instead 29!
8:37 - Saving the auto industry wasn’t popular and easy? Yeah, I’m sure Americans would’ve just been fine with their SUVs disappearing like their waist size being in the 30s.
8:40 - Are we sure that Bob King isn’t Bill Hader? I guess not because I’ve slipped into a coma watching him speak 4 times already.
8:43 - So let me get this straight: the democrats are actually touting a woman’s right to choose and strong unions? Since this is “things we actually used to stand for” night then I’ll just hold my breath here and wait for gun control to be brought up….as;lkdfl; a….opgl jkhvio;dhksjha ….a;lsdkfja;sdboab;ldjsf. Now I need to go de-purple my face.
8:46 - Lower the microphone to your mouth, Cindy. I really want to pay attention to what you’re saying but you look like Shirley Temple giving a toast at the Elk’s lodge.
8:52 - Who’s in charge of the interstitial music? Rihanna isn’t exactly the best segue into the stuffy white guy who more than likely just got done sucking off a lobbyist from Time Warner in his dressing room.
8:55 - Where are all of the all stars of the Democratic Party? This so far has mostly been the people who would agree to be on Dancing With The Stars. I thought I saw Barney Frank on the schedule for tonight. Where are all those guys? Probably fundraising or eating Funyuns or some shit.
9:00 - It’s Sandra Fluke who was too busy slutting it up all over town to get here any earlier. Risky choice on wearing a dress as one of her 58 Nuva rings might slip out onto the floor while she speaks. You have to put in a new ring for every time you have sex according to my man Rush’s diary.
9:05 - If you switch over to the Fox News feed right now instead of the image of Sandra Fluke on screen, she’s been replaced with a throbbing clitoris while Barry White plays quietly in the background.
9:08 - The CEO of Costco now? If everyone looks under their seats will they get free tube socks? I’m looking forward to the CEO of Dave & Busters to come out later and give the keynote.
9:11 - Is this guy as dynamic at his company’s annual conference? Because I would love to stream that next year to get a taste of his soaring rhetoric and personal charm and if not, I could get some tips on which decaf teas go down the smoothest at 8:30PM.
9:13 - You’re still talking and yet somehow I haven’t seen a white light yet. Let’s fix one of these things as soon as possible.
9:15 - “Costco’s story is the American story” - Jim Sinegal. Well, they are both places where you can get big ass TVs and slices of pizza for way too cheap.
9:15 - Here we go, Elizabeth Warren. The building just woke up along with my eyelids.
9:16 - Bill Clinton married one of the coolest women on the planet? When did he marry Rosalind Russell in His Girl Friday?
9:19 - Why isn’t Bill Clinton opening for Elizbeth Warren? Hearing Clinton speak at one of these again is like hearing the Stones play “Ruby Tuesday” again.
9:21 - “We celebrate success. We just don’t want the game to be rigged.” That should be a theme of one of these nights or hell, the whole damn campaign. Not that “Forward” isn’t visionary…
9:24 - “The Republican vision is clear: ‘I got mine. You’re on you’re own.’” Isn’t that what it says on their t-shirts?
9:24 - Holy shit, she just said that corporations aren’t people. I don’t know that I’ve heard any democrat actually say that out loud over the last two years. Look for the Republicans to bring back a hologram Joe McCarthy tomorrow to make accusations about her.
9:28 - I need some more E. Warren content on here. Anyone have any tapes of her rap battles down by the railroad tracks?
9:31 - Well that certainly whipped them into a frenzy. I’m sure their reception of Bill Clinton will be very calm and half of them will run out for a nacho run.
9:32 - No, not yet another montage of 1992 set to Fleetwood fucking Mac. Why not mix it up with “Brick House” or something?
9:34 - Now watch Clinton pretend that he did everything short of drawing horns on Obama’s face four years ago to sabotage his campaign. It’s too bad he has no real history of pretending.
9:37 - “After last night, I want a man who had the good sense to marry Michelle Obama.” You didn’t realize that until last night? What was she doing before? Sitting at home in track pants laughing at Mike & Molly while chewing Combos with her mouth open?
9:38 - “We democrats believe in a strong middle class.” Really? Did you believe that when you repealed Glass-Steagall or when a good number of you voted for the Bush tax cuts? I guess it’s easy to believe things like me believing that this night will end at some point.
9:46 - Clinton seems to have lost his passive aggressive touch when it comes to Obama or at least has figured out a way to publicly embrace him without any residual vitriol spilling over.
9:49 - Clinton has this ability to speak to crowds as if he’s teaching them but without being condescending. Sorry if I just blew your mind with that really original insight. I know that’s probably never been said before. Hey, have you ever noticed how gasoline kind of smells good?
9:51 - Those pesky financial regulations? Big talk coming from the guy who actually did find them pesky and helped get us into this mess in the first place. What’s next? Is he going to say, “And then some jagoff put in place the really dumb compromise of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”?
9:57 - Whoa, Mr. NAFTA is talking about manufacturing jobs increasing? People always talked about Clinton’s penis but I think it’s his balls that are more outlandish.
10:00 - “The old economy is not coming back and we have to build a new one.” Good thing to remember, but I can still be wasting time on the internet for a majority of the day in the new one too, right?
10:06 - This is the first speech that dove head first into policy details which the crowd is eating up with a spoon. So maybe they could do away with all the generic cheerleading crap tomorrow night and break out some Power Point slides and scones.
10:08 - Bill Clinton is doing what the media couldn’t bother to do: fact checking Paul Ryan’s speech.
10:11 - This guy is a hell of a performer. He somehow has got better at it in his older age, like the opposite of Al Pacino.
10:13 - Clinton should just have a show where he analyzes Republican talking points that came out that week. Not sure how you could work some backup dancers into the show, but when there’s a will there’s a way.
10:16 - Well, arithmetic and saving money on the poor by giving Newt Gingrich his wish of ending welfare but arithmetic is certainly snappier so let’s just go with that.
10:19 - People from Arkansas know that 2+2=4? I thought the answer they gave to that equation was lasagna.
10:22 - “Every single person who has bet against America has lost money.” Not me when I bet against us getting thinner last year. Now to dive into my cash pool.
10:24 - Barack came out for a hug and now is leaving without saying a word. Why the hell didn’t Michelle get the same treatment last night? Did Rahm have him pinned down in the back until Obama guessed what brand of deodorant Rahm uses on his crotch?
10:27 - Antonio Villaraigosa is wrapping things up and now the roll call of the states begin. Who will be the state to say “present” after multiple series of “heres”? My money’s on Idaho.
Up until the end that was the most boring collection of speeches I’ve heard since I time traveled to my own eulogy section of my funeral. They both however contained many mentions of tort reform so go figure. I’m off to bed where I can begin dreaming of Elizabeth Warren knitting me a sensible sweater. Good night.
Well, I missed last week’s convention because I was still in Scotland after trying to entertain people there that want silly wordplay and pieces of candy distributed to them by the performers in the comedy shows they’re watching. Anyway, the only thing I really got to see in context from last week was Clint Eastwood’s version of Bob Newhart’s phone bit with a chair, so I’m looking forward to Kirk Douglas to make an appearance this week and talk to Mitt’s docking station. I’m a little rusty since I haven’t live blogged one of these things in four years so let’s all hold hands and pray to whatever god is trendy this year so the Democrats can pander to that. Thank that hip god that there are only 3 nights of this!
8:03 - I’m watching this on C-SPAN mostly to avoid any Wolf Blitzers or Chris Matthews coming into my field of vision as my seizure treatment materials are dangerously low to gamble on something like that. There’s something comforting about the lack of the widescreen view.
8:05 - Ted Strickland is incorporating a verse from Matthew in the middle of his shitting on Mitt Romney, so I guess the Democrats can learn a few things from their friends across the aisle.
8:06 - God, this guy is irritating. Shouldn’t he be announcing the results of a raffle at your mom’s work function?
8:08 - Ah shit, here comes Kathleen Sebelius. It’s a little early in the night for a sleep aid but I guess it wouldn’t hurt you to go to bed early after the long holiday weekend. Is this why she’s the Health & Human Serivces Secretary?
8:09 - Very appropriate that Sebelius walks out to the Grateful Dead, a band that drones on and on for an inordinate amount of time that is only interesting when you’re in the middle of mind expanding hallucinations. I’m now trying to give myself a fever.
8:14 - You know who I haven’t seen in a while? John Kerry. Can someone sneak up on stage and yank on Sebelius’ hair to make sure that’s not a wig?
8:16 - It’s never a good sign when you’re actually glad to see Rahm Emanuel show up. Either you’re extremely bored already or you have a lot of bodies you need to get rid of toot sweet and don’t have time to think about the moral implications of what has just occurred Luckily Rahm’s morals were discarded in the trash along with the tip of his finger at Arby’s when he was a kid.
8:19 - Are they resurrecting the “Change We Can Believe In” this year? Because I’ve heard it several times already. I actually don’t know the answer to this, so I am curious if it’s back or they’re just reminiscing. If so, can we kill Will.I.Am so we only have to deal with him in hologram form? That would be a fair trade to me.
8:24 - Well that was fast. So far, everyone seems like they have a steak and/or hooker waiting for them back in the green room and they need to get back there before both of them go cold.
8:27 - I have no real knowledge of Kal Penn nor have I seen any of his movies but he does seem like the first speaker so far who’s there voluntarily instead of waking up last week with a horse’s head in bead with a script attached.
8:31 - The siblings are here and hopefully the crowd will be able to decipher their language using a dialect known as straightforward language and using this strange feature called sincerity. Pfft, people with real lives.
8:34 - The health care law has been mentioned by everyone so far, not that it shouldn’t but I wonder if they’ll run out of angles to praise it from. But at least they don’t have to try and figure out new ways to describe how Jesus wants you to read Ayn Rand along with your Bible during your daily devotions.
8:37 - Please don’t try to be funny during your back-and-forths. Do you want to know Red Foxx’s proposal for a farm bill? OK, bad example as everyone on the face of the earth would kill to read that shit.
8:39 - Lilly Ledbetter is in the house. It doesn’t seem like the Democrats haven’t bragged about that law enough. This is very cheap to ask, but didn’t Bill Clinton hit on Ledbetter in the mid-80s?
8:42 - The Lilly Ledbetter act is a very important step and should be celebrated and all but Todd Akin is here telling me that women’s paychecks should just know they’re a little short when they get processed and the numbers should block the inequality right after being transfered to the checking account. Makes sense to me!
8:44 - Oh god, not only are we going to have to explain to our grandchildren why in the fuck we didn’t let gay people marry each other and serve in the military at one point, but we’re also going to have to explain why women got paid less than men. Wait a minute, I think I just got the subtext of Planet of the Apes.
8:46 - Deval Patrick, the man famous for being the guy that people accused Obama of ripping off his stump speech from. For some reason I kind of dig the way this guy is yelling at the podium. I want him to come over to my house and loudly tell me the best way to clean my sink out.
8:51 - “It’s time for Democrats to grow a backbone” - Deval Patrick. Does someone have access to a DeLorean and know how to punch in the date of 1978 and take this dude back there?
8:56 - Deval Patrick is the guy to beat tonight. He’s like that one college that sneaks into March Madness that you always see but have no idea what kind of team they have and come out and wipe the floor with your team. He’s now in the back fucking Rosario Dawson.
8:57 - Tom Carcetti is talking now and has to follow Deval Patrick in the same way that Pauly Shore probably once had to follow Chris Rock in the early ’90s. Poor bastard.
8:59 - There’s nothing like a good call-and-response speech to make you want to change the channel and see what exactly America sees in this How I Met Your Mother show.
9:02 - Does Martin O’Malley think just because the audience looks smaller from the stage that they are in actuality 5 years old? Because that would explain why he’s talking to them like they just wiped their asses with their bare hands.
9:04 - So giving billionaires more money and taking it from the poor is a bad idea? Mr. O’Malley excuse the mess, but you just blew my fucking mind. Can I borrow a mop to clean up the chunks of my frontal lobe before they seep under the linoleum?
9:06 - “Alright Latinos, lap it up because aside from the La Bamba transition music we’re planning on Thursday night and the guacamole at the snack bar, this is really all we have for you. But where else are you gonna go, you know. Now get out of here while I light this cigar and pretend I’m above Super PACS.” -DNC
9:09 - I guess we know which twin got the charisma gene: Mary-Kate.
9:10 - They wanted to get the mayor of Columbus, Ohio for the keynote but his 1993 Cutlass Ciera broke down and now he’s working in a coal mine in West Virginia. Ah well!
9:13 - This nuance and sophistication is a bit overwhelming tonight. Slow it down Democrats, hard work is good and noble? Let me grab a pen before you go into your financial proposals about how a penny saved is…something…damnit! I can never remember the rest of it!
9:16 - The crowd just booed the concept of watching the Republican convention last week. They’re like the lame theater company who is putting on a musical version of some shitty ’80s movie while looking down their noses at Cats.
9:19 - Does anyone else want to wipe the smug little smirk off of Julian Castro’s oddly irritating face? Just stop smiling at yourself after making horribly scripted jokes that came off the back of DNC-supplied popsicle sticks.
9:22 - Why do I have the feeling that Mayor Castro is about to ask for money about this awesome timeshare in Colorado that will totally be available during the summer except for right around the 4th of July. I mean even so, the Anderson’s are really flexible. Hell, I’ll even give you their number and you can coordinate with them. They make a hell of sloppy joe ha ha ha, why don’t you get out your checkbook now?
9:26 - If my dad would’ve said to me before my first day of preschool, “May God be with you” I would’ve thought I was being sent on some sort of mission to outer space which would’ve been quite awesome at the time although damned confusing.
9:30 - Can the rest of the convention just be stories from Michelle Obama’s family? Then Michelle talking about what movies she likes. Wearing something leggy.
9:32 - How is Barack planning on paying back his wife in their post-presidency years for making a Harvard educated lawyer spend 8 years taking on the meaty issues of being in favor of military families and child dancing? I hope she makes him become the spokesman for the national flossing foundation or something.
9:36 - A military mom is speaking and started off saying how she isn’t even political. Well, you’re in luck lady because the cretins that orchestrate this little dance are about to partisan you up like a fetus following along in the Bible with a rifle.
9:39 - Oh nevermind, she was just introducing Michelle Obama. I didn’t think she’d be out here so soon. Who the hell are they going to get to follow her? Don’t you want to save the big hit song for the encore? Now what are you going to do? Take requests? Play those B-sides the nerds have been clamoring for? This smells trouble.
9:42 - Michelle couldn’t stay awake during movies when their kids were younger. I take it she hasn’t been watching the convention so far, although the extra sleep would explain how beautiful she is.
9:44 - Barack’s love of shitty cars at least lasted to when he bailed out Detroit. Boom!
9:45 - Is Michelle sure she wasn’t raised by Chris Rock’s dad?
9:48 - Can we just let Michelle be president for the next term please? We’ll give Barack a cushy job as the ambassador to Luxembourg or some shit which would make it easier for me to run into her on her birthday coincidentally with a bouquet of her favorite flowers in my hand and then…
9:52 - “No one should ever go broke because of an accident or an illness,” and just ask anyone with insurance and they’ll tell you that those people are quite reasonable and aren’t at all interested in bleeding as many pennies they can out of any resource they see out of their bloodthirsty eyes.
9:55 - Barack Obama turned down high paying jobs? What a nut. I thought the point of getting a job was to get as much money as possible so you can buy matching outfits for your kids and you to take a family picture with thus giving the crew down at the photo hut something to laugh at during the Christmas party.
9:57 - You can tell that Michelle is more dignified to give into the simplicity and mob mentality of the chanting and empty slogans and just politely waits for the crowd to stop eating raw meat and going back to her simple, emotionally mature message. Oh, and see how she doesn’t try to make dumb jokes? The rest of you should take note.
10:02 - Nice mention of gay marriage right after talking about the civil rights accomplishments of the last 50 years. Now wait, what’s this? Genuine human emotion while talking about something deeply personal to you? Does she know this is a political convention? You’re supposed to fake that shit so that pundits will pontificate how that will play in Pennsylvania. This lady has a lot to learn.
10:05 - Up until the end of Michelle’s speech, this crowd seemed very decaffeinated especially compared to the clips I saw of last week. But Martin O’Malley is mostly used as an antidote to smelling salts so they did pretty well considering.
10:06 - “Let us close this day in prayer.” How about we close it with a Magnum Bar instead? Sad the Democrats feel like they have to do this shit.
10:11 - It’s over already? I thought this was supposed to go until 11. Damn, now what am I going to do? Does anyone know what channel they rerun episodes of The Golden Girls on?
We made it and I didn’t have to hear anything about that bullshit they do with vinegar in their barbecue down there so I’d say the night is a success based on that. I plan on making Deval Patrick the keynote speaker at my funeral and Michelle Obama the woman I’m going to steal away from that nerd she’s married to. Gotta go draw up some plans on the back of this Wendy’s napkin. See ya tomorrow night.
Man, it seems like we just had one of these a week ago. Actually there’s been 47 of them since then so I figure I’ll tune into this one to see how far the monkeys have learned to fling their poo at each other. When we last checked in on these boys Mitt Romney was unquestionable front runner. Much like a profitable movie franchise, the people who stand to make the most money off this are going to stretch the ending of this race out as long as possible. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will make an appearance while Ron Paul talks about how glorious life will be without libraries.
C-SPAN is showing George Bush’s 1992 State of the Union address right now and it’s interesting to watch. First, he came out and didn’t start off with saying the state of the union is strong but instead made self-deprecating jokes about how his wife was more popular than him and throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. Now he’s bragging about cutting defense spending. So does this mean we’ll be looking back at Rick Santorum in 20 years and chuckle about how he sounds in retrospect? Hopefully our cyborg overlords will allow us to access our history.
8:01 - I really don’t like Brian Williams. Mostly because he becomes aroused at the smell of his own farts. And either put your glasses down or where them shits, stop playing with them like they’re a stress ball.
8:04 - Newt Gingrich doesn’t seem to want to bitch slap the moderator in the face this time, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The night is young and that insulin wears off real fast.
8:06 - Mitt Romney is rightly highlighting the fact that Newt resigned as the Speaker of the House in disgrace. I really have been struggling for the last week to decide which of these two is the more disgusting one. That is a brain teaser if I’ve ever heard one.
8:09 - Brian Williams just called out Romney for being negative after saying he wouldn’t be even though all Williams has asked about so far is a variation of “Just how much of a dickhead do you think Newt Gingrich really is?” If we were in another time Williams would be hosting a game show. Oh wait, he is!
8:12 - How long before they’ll let Ron Paul talk? I’ll bet somewhere around 9:42 but it will be during a commercial break and he’ll ask if he can refill his bag of beef jerky.
8:16 - Ron Paul has no plans to run as a third party candidate and I hope he doesn’t rule out the possibility of being a character actor. If Howard Hawks were around today he could put that man to good use.
8:20 - Romney is bragging about the fact that he doesn’t overpay his taxes. Isn’t that like bragging that your mailman comes to your house no more than once a day?
8:22 - These guys keep talking to each other like they’re bickering but they’re actually agreeing and there’s a bit of camaraderie that comes across but as a surprise to both parties talking. I get a feeling that NBC is trying to suck all of the train wreck excitement that came out last week in South Carolina.
8:25 - What is this with Rick Santorum making a worthwhile point about being pro-capitalism and supporting the Wall Street bailouts? I can’t handle him not spewing bile when he talks. It’s just too jarring.
8:29 - Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich keep trying to call each other out. Fat cat fight!
8:30 - Romney is just an annoying gnat in the face of Gingrich which he keeps trying to swat away but keeps accidentally eating.
8:33 - Why is this so decaffeinated? They’ve somehow made a GOP Presidential debate come across as more dry and nap inducing than a GOP Presidential debate.
8:34 - Commercial break. I need some Ritalin.
8:37 - God help us. NBC is live streaming comments people are making on the internet about the debate. What kind of loser comments in real time over the internet to tell people what they think about what they’re watching? How arrogant is that? Wait a second…
8:42 - “Markets have to have regulation to work” - Mitt Romney. If this were South Carolina he would’ve been tarred and feathered by now. What kind of radical, left-wing thing is he going to say next, “Poor people may not be the devil”?
8:45 - Still haven’t seen Brian Williams use those damn glasses he always is holding. Maybe he lost them along with his pride to be working for the fourth estate.
8:51 - Dumbest answer of the night (so far): “How do you end a war in Afghanistan without talking to the Taliban?”-Brian Williams “By beating them?”-Mitt Romney. Yes, he said it as a question. Simple as that. Thanks, Mitt. Nailed it!
8:54 - Ron Paul thinks it’s utterly foolish to attack Iran at this juncture although he’s dead set on getting us back on the gold standard. Ah, juxtaposition.
8:58 - Brian Williams has brought people in to help him ask questions. They seem to be involved in a field Williams should check out sometime: journalism.
9:00 - Rick Santorum does not like Iran. Granted he doesn’t like much in this world, but them he really does not care for.
9:02 - The female journalist has asked a question about the BP oil spill and like clockwork Santorum has worked the Keystone pipeline into his answer as some sort of energy savior. Now if only he can get sodomy in there he’ll be able to sleep tonight.
9:04 - These guys think other languages are cute and all but if you don’t speak English then you’ll just learn like that. You can take off from your busy schedule to do that can’t you?
9:10 - This might be the most boring presidential debate I’ve ever seen. And I go to all the local girl scout chapter’s presidential debates. Somehow Ron Paul always is always in those too.
9:15 - Don’t get me wrong, that South Carolina crowd last week was abhorrent and it got me fantasizing about having a debate with no crowd at all but this just feels like a high school graduation where the principle tells you to not clap for your brother or not to show emotion of any kind. The screamers are awful and annoying but keeping everyone quiet like they’re McMurphy at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest just feels wrong.
9:19 - Why the hell are they debating Terri Schiavo? I thought we moved on from that one. Let’s ask them what they thought about the O.J. trial after this, then maybe a moment of silence for the Hindenburg victims.
9:21 - Do these two newspaper reporters work for a high school paper? Their questions and presentation certainly would make more sense. They totally have to get their story turned into Mrs. Hoover tomorrow by third period or else they won’t get to go to the skate party Wednesday night.
9:24 - There’s a legitimate question: how come the Bush tax cuts didn’t work? Newt Gingrich answers that by somehow involving 9/11 in the answer and how it helped us from going off a cliff or something. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about but then again I think I’ve been sleep-typing for the last half hour.
9:30 - According to Mitt Romney raising a family is something you can do to contribute to the soul of conservatism in America. That’s a conservative act apparently. What else is he going to claim? Drinking water? Wearing shirts? Hating Katy Perry?
9:34 - Rick Santorum is going after Romney and Gingrich for supporting old Republican ideas that later on Democrats proposed and the new Republicans reacted with outrage. This could help my theory that Santorum is a 6-year-old boy.
9:37 - Did Ron Paul just get the biggest applause of the night for saying that following the Constitution will turn us all into conservatives? I heard at least 8 people clapping but that could’ve been a result of them watching Kramer enter Jerry’s kitchen on an old Seinfeld rerun they’re watching on someone’s laptop.
9:40 - Is it done now? Oh thank the Republican Jesus, i.e the real one. Thank you so much - I’ll never curse the name of Ronald Reagan again. Just get me out of here. Oh wait, my shirt is torn on this rock! Who cares, I’ll replace it later just run!
I now am going to dunk my head into a tub full of bleach. I don’t know why but I know it will provide me more answers than the last hour and forty minutes did. I have to change the channel quickly because Dick Gregory is talking and he makes Brian Williams look like a wise old sage. Let’s meet back here for another debate, shall we? I’m guessing in about 27 minutes or so.
Huntsman’s out. So I guess if you want to hear from an adult during this thing I suggest you call up your mom and put her on the speaker phone. Brent Baier is trying to pretend that his network wouldn’t call for Martin Luther King Jr.’s head on a stick if he were alive today right now so this is as good of a time as any to get started.
8:03 - Romney and Gingrich standing next to each other look to me like some sort of joyless Laurel & Hardy. I really want to see them sleep in the same room and Romney wear a nightcap. “Good night, Newt. Good night, Mittens.”
8:07 - When Mitt Romney confesses to a murder I imagine that he’s this matter-of-fact about it. “A poor person looked at me the wrong way so I got a knife, stuck it in his stomach, watched him bleed to death and then had a chicken salad sandwich. What?”
8:10 - Rick Perry is clinging to being in this thing like a turd after a particularly satisfying barbecue meal. I’m pretty sure that’s on one of his lawn signs in Houston.
8:11 - Romney is running to crack down on cheaters. Better watch your back, Newt. Boom!
8:12 - The bald guy with a beard who looks like a scrappier and slightly less suicidal Ben Bernanke is going to be getting his head shoved into a toilet later by Rick Perry while Gingrich and Romney hold his body and Ron Paul stands behind them and pretends they’re not going to do it to him afterward.
8:14 - The hot lady in the blue dress is recognizing that Ron Paul exists. Tomorrow she’ll use this for indie cred in the office and brag about that one time she listened to Arcade Fire while on line at Starbucks.
8:16 - Oh yeah, Rick Santorum is still around. I completely forgot about that dude. Just like that one guy will soon…what’s his name….oh yeah, America.
8:18 - Oh shit, Santorum is going to verbally smack a bitch. He’s going to ask his wife later if she saw that part before he confidently has missionary-position sex with her for the 15 seconds in between the end of the local news and when Jay Leno’s monologue starts.
8:21 - Wait, Romney is against Super PACs and the way these campaigns are financed? Isn’t that like Lex Luthor speaking out against kryptonite?
8:22 - Rick Perry thinks that Romney and Santorum are insiders. His aides haven’t yet informed him that he’s also in the race. His candidacy makes so much more sense now.
8:24 - Let’s see companies buy advertising time during this: Infiniti (sure, cars for people with money), CSX (never heard of it, don’t care enough to look), Brother printers (to print off pictures of Barack Obama in African tribal garb), ThermaCare (old people’s backs hurt especially when full of hate), some sort of joint medication (same), Bertlitz (it helps you learn a new language I guess - so you can order your gardener around more efficiently). Makes sense.
8:30 - Romney has that trait that a lot of pastors always did for me: equally boring, cocky, dumb and rage-inducing all at the same time. It’s a talent.
8:32 - “The state of Texas is under assault from the federal government” - Rick Perry. Man, this guy is as good at stoking Southern paranoia as he is at mixing a stiff drink. Although it seems he’s only had a half dozen tonight which is pretty damn sober for him.
8:34 - I can’t believe I’m saying this but can we hear something from Newt Gingrich now? I want to switch from depression to anger.
8:36 - I spoke too soon. Newt wants people who collect unemployment insurance to have a mandatory job training program…and that’s it. No details about how that would work or what field or what “business” would run this thing. Maybe someone could get a job to deflate him in the evenings. Nah, that would require way too much training.
8:41 - What do you think the odds are that Ron Paul at one time had the largest rubber band ball west of the Mississippi?
8:44 - Ron Paul is working hard on building that bridge the utopia that was America pre-1913. I’ll be right back, I just have to go press my favorite malaria outfit.
8:45 - The crowd is booing the fact that Juan Williams even dares to mention that Mitt Romney has Mexican heritage. How are these buffoons not treated like hecklers at a comedy club? That’s one of the things lacking in the modern GOP: embarrassment.
8:48 - Rick Santorum thinks all you need to do to avoid poverty is work, graduate high school and get married before having children. I love that work is the first answer. “All you need to do to avoid being a virgin is 1) get laid 2) stop listening to Rush and 3) brush your teeth every once in a while.”
8:51 - Who’s that making a sensible argument about the drug war as it relates to race the prison industrial complex? Ron Paul: ix-nay on the ogic-lay.
8:52 - God, Newt Gingrich is fucking gross. So is this crowd. Cheering for a man who stands by his ignorant and racist statements. Juan Williams seems to actually be trying to hold some of these assholes’ feet to the fire and Newt just goes into detail about his poor-people-should-just-clean-shit-up plan. Fuck him.
8:55 - “More people have been put on food stamps by Barack Obama that any other president in history” -Newt Gingrich. He found that fact in the same place God sends sinners to live for eternity: his ass.
9:01 - Ron Paul is being forced to defend his comment about having any respect for international law. In Republican-land that’s like implying you wouldn’t mind if the Pope came on your face.
9:02 - Brent Baier shouldn’t have this job. He should go back to his old job of being the little man that comes in every box of Legos you’ve ever bought.
9:04 - If Ron Paul keeps making sense in his arguments about our foreign policy Brent Baier is going to start his period and the crowd is going to roast Mr. Paul like a pig on Hawaiian TV specials.
9:06 - The golden rule is literally booed among the Republican base. The goddamn golden rule! Do these people sit around and watch Leave It Beaver and when Ward tells Wally his moral lesson at the end do they all shout “bullshit!”?
9:12 - Rick Perry is being asked about Turkey still being included in NATO. The thought bubble above his head right now is filled with Smarties candy and a kick line from 1938.
9:14 - Rick Perry just made a joke about Ron Paul being gonged that was actually somewhat funny. Ron Paul looks perplexed mostly because he hasn’t watched the radiation box since Jack Paar walked off the Tonight Show when he couldn’t tell a joke about a water closet.
9:16 - Now Ron Paul is pointing out that the Taliban used to be our allies and that Al Qaeda and the Taliban are seperate. Or in other words, he’s tap dancing on his own GOP electability grave.
9:17 - This crowd, ugh. How bad is it when the candidates are the least disgusting people in the room?
9:18 - The hot lady in the blue dress is so over this. She’s just waiting for Megyn Kelly to go back to her rap career so she can get in there and entertain stoned college kids skipping class.
9:22 - Isn’t Congress already part-time? What’s next? Is Perry going to suggest that the Post Office have fewer people working the counter when you go in just to send off a simple package and end up going through the whole day’s New York Times on your phone while having to pee like a bastard and then that lady with her awful kids is in front of you and…
9:27 - Only two references to Ronald Reagan this evening by my count. What’s going on guys? Too busy reading The Nation and e-mailing Sean Penn to give The Gipper a shout-out every 30 seconds? Sheesh.
9:30 - Every time Rick Santorum finishes a rant he has this smug little look on his face that either reads “Nailed it!” or “Is this the face you make after finishing a grown up sentence?”.
9:33 - No taxes on dividends or capital gains, Newt? While you’re at it why not throw in no sales tax on yachts, scooners and Grey Poupon?
9:37 - Here come the questions about guns. Gentlemen, get out your tiny, tiny cocks!
9:39 - Only at this debate do you have to answer how many animals you’ve killed in the last few years and if you haven’t you might as well put on a prom dress.
9:41 - These guys are really threatened by Ron Paul. I’m not sure why since Fox News has done everything but add a digital clown wig to his head.
9:45 - Newt doesn’t care much for Romney’s Super PAC attack ad against him. Romney is pretending like he doesn’t talk to them and like he has the ability to give a shit.
9:47 - “We all would like Super PACs to disapear” -Mitt Romney. In a night chop full of it that has to be the biggest load of horseshit South Carolina has ever seen. And they had a horse shitting convention in Charleston last week.
9:50 - Wait, what is this with Newt Gingrich making a good point about the failure of No Child Left Behind? Surely he’s about to suggest that immigrant kids just learn how to count by how many grapes they can stuff into his mouth, right? He can’t just leave us hanging like this.
It’s over. Not just the debate but my hope for humanity. I need to wash my ears out with soap after this. I think I’ll listen to something more intelligent and less offensive by putting on my “Bowel Movements 97-00” compilation tape. Goodnight.
There’s a new year that has arrived. But do you remember the last one? It’s been a number of hours so you may have forgot. Most medical professionals agree that the best way to jog your memory is to look at what I liked listening to/watching over the past 12 months. You’ll find that written on the back of most packs of breath mints.
If you want to hear me and another partially evolved human discuss the films listed below in a very long podcast click here.
And if you want to hear what I’ve been listening to over the last 20 years (it’s been updated to include this year’s music) in 5-second increments click below:
TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2011
1. Smith Westerns Dye It Blonde
Glam rock resurrects itself yet again so at this point it’s beating Jesus by a healthy margin. If you skip a track on this disc you’re either a damn fool or simply have an itchy trigger finger leftover from your telegraphin’ days. This album is best listened to while looking up into the sky. Whatever fills up that sky is up to you.
2. Kurt Vile Smoke Ring For My Halo
You know how a lot of dudes who play quiet acoustic guitar songs are so irritating they make you want to do this? This is the opposite of that. This is that type of old rock ‘n roll sound that never should have gone away while Nixon got to stick around for five more years. Go figure. This is best listened to while on a road trip going west of where you live with a close enough friend that one of you will buy the expensive roadside beef jerky with no questions asked.
3. The Raveonettes Raven In The Grave
If only we listened to the Danes more…I say that like I listen to any other Danish bands besides this one. What would it be like if I did though? Would I have to start bringing up income inequality in every conversation I have and get really into herring? I don’t know, it sounds like a whole to-do. This album is best listened to in the six month period leading up to an inevitable break up that you know will be happening but you’re still unprepared for.
4. Wild Flag Wild Flag
Loud guitars, drums and keyboards: a simple yet effective combination. Like cheddar cheese and black beans, Sears and Roebuck or watching a GOP debate and throwing your lamp out the goddamn window. This one is best listened to while reorganizing your record collection from alphabetical to chronological, but not the other way around.
5. Girls Father, Son, Holy Ghost
You know that shirt in your closet that you wear every now and again and it’s always great but then as soon as you put it back it just goes back to being camouflaged in the thicket of boringness that is you? You should go put it on right now along with this album and keep both going for a few days. This should be listened to somewhere that has plenty of sunlight but it must be indirect.
6. The Roots Undun
Concept albums are like asses: they’re all fine and good but don’t mean anything if there isn’t any meat to them. For instance, my concept album is about a suitcase that develops a soul and starts leaving poems for its owner in that compartment on the outside that you can never figure out what it’s best use would be. And if the songs were good you wouldn’t care about the concept after track one. Unfortunately the songs are all horrible and feature four-minute bassoon solos. This one is best listened to on religious holidays, full moons and whenever it is that the McRib comes back.
7. Yuck Yuck
Who says the Brits can’t sound more authentically American than us? What’s that? No one has argued that since 1965? Duly noted then. And who threw out my brylcreem? You doze off for a few minutes and the whole world goes to hell in a hand basket. This one is best heard during the months when Daylight Savings Time is being observed and a quality root beer is within a 100 foot parameter of your person.
8. Jessica Lea Mayfield Tell Me
If you have the pleasure of seeing any of these songs performed live you will more thank likely demand that this young lady and her band take one of your kidneys in an ice cooler on the road, just in case they need a spare. Just make sure that you label the cooler instead of tossing it in the one they have labeled “egg salad”. If you don’t, after four or five days your liver will taste like shit. This is best heard while on a wild pheasant hunt while your hat is still being worn correctly.
9. Middle Brother Middle Brother
NPR told me to listen to this album so I blindly obeyed as usual but I had to meet Juan Williams in a darkened alley to obtain it and join him in a 90 minute conversation about Grenada before he would give me the damn thing. That’s the real reason he was fired. This best way to hear this is on a Saturday morning either while moving boxes around and/or using a screwdriver.
10. Radiohead The King Of Limbs
You have to leave enough time for things to grow on you except for that thing on your shoulder. You should really get that checked out. I like being able to hang my jacket on it and we all had a good laugh when you used it to dangle from that basketball net over Labor Day weekend but enough’s enough. This album is best heard on headphones with a curly Q chord but only your pinky should wrapped around it.
The War On Drugs Slave Ambient
Vivian Girls Share The Joy
Thurston Moore Demolished Thoughts
Beastie Boys Hot Sauce Committee Part Two
TOP TEN SONGS OF 2011
1. Kurt Vile “Baby’s Arms”
If you listen to this you will appear 20% more graceful the next time you jump over a puddle in the street.
2. The Strokes “Under Cover Of Darkness”
If you listen to this your breath won’t smell like Henry Kissinger’s pancreas tomorrow morning.
3. The Raveonettes “My Times Up”
If you listen to this the milk you have at home will curdle into something that will benefit your neighbor’s pet llama in the next 20 years.
4. Girls “My Ma”
If you listen to this you will be able to accomplish anything that begins with the letter “J”.
5. College (featuring Electric Youth) “A Real Hero”
If you listen to this your co-workers will ask you what put the spring in your step and you’ll only need to answer by showing them the logo of your fabric softener.
6. Smith Westerns “Still New”
If you listen to this the person you kiss next New Year’s Eve will let you ride shotgun in their jalopy on the way home next year.
7. Jessica Lea Mayfield “Sometimes At Night”
If you listen to this you’ll be able to show your face again at the library as long as you’re okay with the majority of it being covered up by that portrait of Franklin Pierce.
8. Thurston Moore “Circulation”
If you listen to this your doctor will ask for an exam from you.
9. The War On Drug “Baby Missiles”
If you listen to this you will finally have something to wield over the guy who lives in your treehouse with all the cool old rotary phones.
10. Rihanna (featuring Calvin Harris) “We Found Love”
If you listen to this you will be able to do things with eggs that were outlawed in Pennsylvania until eight minutes ago.
TOP TEN FILMS OF 2011
1. The Tree Of Life (Terrence Malick)
Your parents screwed you up slightly less than their parents did them but we’re still not sure how much of that had to do with lead paint. We’re looking into it. Also that cape they let you wear until you were 8 didn’t help matters. It’s best to see this film on day that you slept in a minimum of 45 minutes past the point your usual zombie morning festivities begin.
2. Submarine (Richard Ayoade)
This is how you do a modern movie that takes place in the 80s. No synthesizers, rolled up sleeves or Manuel Noriega ever make an appearance in this story. Well, I can’t vouch for that last one since I was in the bathroom for what felt like four score minutes because some wise ass thought it would be a good idea to put buttons on pants where the zipper is supposed to go. Newfangled gadgets and all. It’s best to see this one after you’ve come back into town after going to your summer home only to realize halfway up there that you don’t have a summer home and instead ended up buying a box of popsicles from Bob’s IGA.
3. The Robber (Benjamin Heisenberg)
Robbing banks will be the centerpiece of a new fad diet that I plan on marketing in 2012. Look for it in your local book depository next to all the extra copies of the autobiography of the Snapple lady. You should see this movie the day before you get a haircut.
4. Hugo (Martin Scorsese)
Remember to befriend that old cranky guy who runs that shop near you which no one is ever in. You know, the one next to the ice cream parlor that’s a front for some sort of black market meat slicing equipment and across the street from your fourth favorite Ban-Lon emporium. This is best viewed if you’re seeing it instead of doing something important in your life that needs to get done, like rotating the tires on your barbecue grill.
5. Win Win (Thomas McCarthy)
A good ol’ fashioned whodunnit, except that you know who done it the whole time. There’s plenty of other ol’ fashioned things for you in there anyway. For instance there’s a guy with a job in it. This one is best seen after you’ve exhausted all the phone conversations in your contact list that don’t require 25 extra minutes of explaining why you’re still engaged to what’s-his-name.
6. Martha Marcy May Marlene (Sean Durkin)
If you haven’t heard from your sister in years and she calls you from a gas station drop whatever you’re doing and go pick her up. Make sure before you hang up to let her know that you’ll be prone to drive faster if you know there’s a bag of Funyuns waiting for you when you get there. Also maybe some windshield wiper fluid too since you thought you were supposed to put it in your toilet. You should only see this at night, unless you’re right handed.
7. Tabloid (Errol Morris)
This might make you think twice next time before you kidnap a Mormon man/Ken doll. Of course thinking twice is what got you into this mess in the first place. Why can’t you just trust your instincts? It’s not like anyone really notices scars on eyelids anyway. Don’t see this one with anyone who has seen you in a bathrobe.
8. Melancholia (Lars Von Trier)
It’s easy to think that the world will end during a wedding since most of the time you’re praying for it to happen before you hear The Righteous Brothers again. That’s the last time I go to see two brothers marry each other. Those guys just wouldn’t stop with the speechifying. Only in Canada! This movie is best viewed on the day you run into someone you know and act like you’ve been caught in a sting operation when all you were doing was buying some gauze.
9. Cedar Rapids (Miguel Arteta)
People in the insurance industry can be human too sometimes. Just make sure you turn the switch on their backs to “sentient” so their eye rolls won’t give them a headache when you ask them for gum later. Insurance people have gum out the yin yang, mostly to distract from the leprosy. It’s best to see this one on a date with someone that’s not allowed within a hundred yards of a post office.
10. The Skin I Live In (Pedro Almodovar)
Revenge is best served cold but whatever you do, don’t put it on the top shelf of the refrigerator in the back because ice will start to form on the top of it and it really loses that asbestos flavor. What you want to do instead is chill it in your champagne bucket that you’ve been using as a remote control community center. This is best seen after work unless you want to explain to the boss how you fit a theater into the room where you used to have your team building exercises.
The Artist (Michael Hazanavicius)
The Trip (Michael Winterbottom)
Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn)
The Guard (John Michael McDonagh)
Happy, Happy (Anne Sewitsky)
WORST TEN FILMS OF 2011
1. Larry Crowne (Tom Hanks)
Ever wonder what it would be like if your dad took a class up at the community college whose computer lab you used back in 2000? No? Then do you ever wonder how many irons a person goes through in a lifetime? It’s got to be somewhere around three. This movie is best seen after a long day of dry heaving and wearing a blanket instead of pants.
2. Your Highness (David Gordon Green)
Talented people wasting their time can be sad to watch. However idiots wasting their time can be an entertaining afternoon which is why I want to invite you to my cinderblock scooting party next Saturday. You bring the Hawaiian Punch, I’ll provide broken broom handles. This one is viewed best with one foot in a puddle of water and the other one being used to stop some old legal documents from falling over.
3. The Green Hornet (Michel Gondry)
“We should make a superhero movie because we can.” “Yes we should, but first let’s take a dip in our sensory deprivation tanks.” “OK sounds good. Wait, why do I hear a hammering sound?” “Oh that’s just your mind making an ash tray in shop class for you.” “Oh right. Why does it smell like Siberia in here?” This film should be seen on the day after you paint all your walls black and the day before you set all of the clocks in the house to military time.
4. Kaboom (Gregg Araki)
You probably know someone who will tell you you’re missing the point by not buying into the ridiculousness of this. You wish you didn’t know them but they sit right by the bathroom and there’s something about an empty bladder that just makes you want to chat about birdhouses for a spell. Science can’t even explain it. This is best seen on the 29th of February in every year that ends with the number three.
5. Take Me Home Tonight (Michael Dowse)
Going to a party where old high school people you don’t care about will be at? Better wear a jacket and tie! While you’re at it how about some sock garters, an ascot and a croquet mallet? A monocle would really add something but a pair of x-ray specs will do in a pinch. It’s best to watch this movie as the second wish granted from your genie in a bottle as long as your third wish is to be bludgeoned to death with that fake Christmas tree your family has been using since for the last nineteen years.
6. Cars 2 (John Lasseter)
If there’s one thing the world needs more of it’s Larry the Cable Guy. After more fiber, money and an oriental rug that would bring a tear to your eye it’s certainly the biggest thing lacking in my life. One thing at a time they say. At least that’s what it sounded like from the Cigar Aficionado-infested crawl space. The best way to watch this one is under a bed that has a box spring at least two sizes too small for the mattress. And it would be best if you were wearing a tuxedo, ladies.
7. The Future (Miranda July)
“Hey man, I just march to the beat of my own drummer.” That drummer unbeknownst to you was fitted for his first straightjacket when you were still wearing short pants. Sure, you still wear them on special occasions these days like anniversaries and Boxing Day but it’s not part of your everyday uniform anymore. You were way more interesting as a British boy back in the 40s. This one should be watched by you and your closest 63 friends. Tell Dana her invitation got bulldozed by that rowdy 4H club that meets next door.
8. Everything Must Go (Dan Rush)
It always helps to befriend someone who doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand your existential crisis. You’re also going to need a heavy bag. And a baseball bat. And some chewing tobacci. And a rake because come on, this yard looks pathetic. This is best seen while flipping through an antiques catalog while at the same time looking up statistics for the 1952 Brooklyn Dodger team on the machine you play pong on.
9. Bad Teacher (Jake Kasdan)
Remember that one guy who did that thing we kind of liked a few years back? Yeah, I don’t think it’s as good as we remember either. Maybe you had to be there. True, who’s to say if someone is ever really “there” at all. Wait a minute, when did you get so deep? I thought you were the guy who still runs BMG music club scams. Oh, you run an ostrich farm now. God, we need to work on our catching up. Well, gotta get to my seat the speaker is about to start. This movie is best to watch at your next Eagle Scout reunion provided that your neckerchief still smells like raisins.
10. 30 Minutes Or Less (Ruben Fleischer)
Next time you have a decent idea make sure to get a good night’s sleep before you do anything rash like committing to an all-corduroy ensemble for the next 365 days. Everyone was jealous at first but once St. Patrick’s Day rolled around you got stuck sitting at the end of the table with Phil. Granted, his pictures of Ashville, KY were breathtaking but that’s because he always punches you in the gut before the slide show of his mom’s house begins. The best way to see this movie is through a kaleidoscope that you bought from that garage sale where you ended up working at for two months.
Hall Pass (Bobby & Peter Farrelly)
Paul (Greg Mottola)
The Dilemma (Ron Howard)
Terri (Azazel Jacobs)
Source Code (Duncan Jones)
DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE
Somebody in your life will recommend these to you and act like their lives have improved from watching them. What they won’t tell you is that they’ve been embezzling funds from that from that charity the two of you set up to benefit people with one eyebrow that is way better looking than the other one.
Margin Call (J.C. Chandor)
Young Adult (Jason Reitman)
Pearl Jam Twenty (Cameron Crowe)
The Ides Of March (George Clooney)
Midnight In Paris (Woody Allen)
Beginners (Mike Mills)
The Muppets (James Bobin)
Contagion (Steven Soderbergh)
Are you ready for this one? This is the one where they talk about family values and other such things that us mere mortals don’t quite understand. Of course when you’re talking about values having the human butterball made completely out of sludge that is Frank Lutz, things get a bit ridiculous. But at least this isn’t quite as shady as college football!
4:06 - Have you ever wanted to hear the story of how Michele Bachmann came to the Lord? No? Then I wouldn’t read a paper
until she’s out of the race next week.
4:08 - Wow, this marks the first time Rick Perry has sounded eloquent, articulate and sober. He would make a great southern generic pastor. Wait, that’s what he is already. Good show, old man.
4:09 - “Unlike Islam…” - Rick Santorum. How many times do you think we’ll hear that this afternoon?
4:12 - I’m glad to see Newt Gingrich is still insulted whenever someone with a microphone asks him a question, even when he’s feeding the Jesus people (otherwise known as the GOP base) their manna. Shouldn’t this be the one debate he enjoys? Or at least tolerates until he can get his ass back to the VIP section of Tiffany’s?
4:14 - Frank Lutz wants to know what accounts for the “hostility” directed toward a discussion of this topic. Looks like someone just earned his Fox News Christmas bonus. I hope he enjoys his non-kosher, non-hilal fruitcake!
4:17 - People of faith apparently have been intimated by the people of non-faith. So does that mean we have to give up our leather jackets and rolling our cigarettes up in the sleeves of our white t-shirts? Because I still just prefer the look.
4:20 - For a ostensible positive, “spiritual”, touchy-feely event this has already turned into an us v. them fest. The persecution complex of these people knows no bounds, just like their knowledge of how the modern world works.
4:23 - As much of a fuckwad that Rick Santorum and Rick Perry sound like during this thing the truly most disgusting person here is Frank Lutz. He’s the only here I want to see end up homeless which would then be ironic as he would be told to pull himself up by his bootstraps because one of his polls said that plays better in the plains states.
4:24 - “You’re even allowed to be an atheist” - Ron Paul. There’s your libertarian candidate, folks.
4:28 - For as much as the GOP seems to be against everything Islam stands for they certainly both place martyrdom next to godliness.
4:30 - I could have misheard but according to Ron Paul, poor people who are stuck in poverty should meet the consequences of their terrible poor decisions and not ask for the government for help. This could become a good debate since based on this rhetoric they should spend a good 30 minutes bashing that Jesus character.
4:33 - Rick “we’re sitting down, I don’t need no stinkin’ tie” Santorum has mentioned a book he has written in at least 3 answers now. I guess he figures he’s already riding the shit slide down to the bottom so he might as well hawk his snake oil on the way down so he can buy some sarsaparilla when he gets there.
4:35 - Newt Gingrich’s failure to comprehend the message of Occupy Wall Street is maddening not to mention ignorant. I realize that they didn’t pay for the private park they were protesting in, but he seems to be insinuating that they don’t pay for any parks because they are dirty, lazy hippies and pay no taxes. Unlike the fine, upstanding citizens like GE.
4:41 - Oh isn’t that cute? Rick Perry just referenced his fuck-up in the MSNBC debate. Ha ha! “I’m a dumbass, it’s kind of my thing” Guffaw! “I just spout out bullshit catchphrases and talking points that have no meaning whatsoever because that’s what people like Frank Lutz have taught us to do” Tee hee! “You should just be glad I remembered to wear pants to this goddamn thing because I’m two sheets to the motherfuckin’ wind at this point” Stop it - you’re killing us!
4:45 - Oh, Rick Santorum. Why even bother comparing gay marriage to slavery? What really comes of it? You know you’re just going to get your ass hammered on the internet on Monday. Not that you support ass hammering of any kind. Nope. Never. Not even on the nights when he’s out on the road all by himself with no one to keep him company except for that strapping 24-year-old aid working on his campaign who looks quite dashing in a blue sweater.
4:47 - You can only watch this debate online so if you’re doing that for some god forsaken reason you’ll notice that they seated Ron Paul at the head of the table so he’s facing everyone sideways the entire time. I’m guessing the debate people originally had him sitting outside in the parking lot at first and he negotiated himself to practically the kids table by using some good old fashioned Texas moxie.
4:51 - According to Michele Bachmann every human being is created in the image of God. Man, he must be one ugly bastard then. Have you seen some people out there? And they all look like him? Does that mean he has 14 billion nipples?
4:53 - In case you were unaware, these people do not like abortion one bit. What do you think the odds of them bringing up the fact that Mississippi, one of the most red states around, rejected the personhood amendment last week? Same odds that Newt Ginrich might connect emotionally tonight with someone who loves him? You’d be right!
4:57 - Just so you know, Newt Ginrich thinks traditional values means not inviting gays and lesbians to adopt tons of needy children who could use a loving home. How many non-straight, non-white, non-males want to live in Gringrich’s ideal world? Anybody? Anybody at all. Just a simple show of hands. OK, I’m going to assume all of your arms are asleep. Moving on…
5:01 - Whoa - a gallon of gas was $1.79 on the day Barack Obama took office? Where the hell was that, Ms. Bachmann? Oh wait, she’s thinking of how much Marcus Bachmann charged to guzzle a gallon of sperm while being tickled by a boa feather. Considering the inflation to his prices since then I’d say that’s a steal.
5:04 - Frank Lutz has given them all a five minute break so they can prepare to be asked about their own sins and why they believe what they believe. I’m going to take advantage of this time by going ahead and dying my hair gray now so I can save my nerves the trouble of doing it to my follicles during this abomination.
5:10 - I just realized that this thing is at a fuckin’ church. Maybe that’s why they have seemed the most natural and at ease here than in any environment we’ve seen them all so far.
5:12 - Herman Cain is getting choked up about talking about his cancer diagnosis. This is the first time I’ve seen him be real. I like it. If he works a 9-9-9 reference into this goddamn story I will personally kick him in the balls.
5:15 - Rick Perry’s sense of right and wrong was shaped by his experience as a boy in 4-H which he failed to mention is administered by the Department of Agriculture. So maybe that was the third agency he was intentionally blanking on.
5:16 - Perry’s use of the phrase “the Lord Jesus Christ” was eerily perfect for this crowd and immediately took me back to my Christian school days. I flashed back so hard there for a second I stopped listening to what he was talking about and started to wonder what the Hostess product situation in the vending machine was.
5:20 - Ron Paul’s personal history involved hardly any Jesus talk and made me feel the most comfortable and intrigued. He’s the guy at the Thanksgiving table I’d like to sit next to because I think his asides and stories would be the most interesting but if he were president I’d sleep with one eye open.
5:24 - The way Rick Santorum answers his questions is like he knows he’s simply coughing up bile but this is all he’s got and if he doesn’t go through with this the bomb that’s been planted inside of him might go off like he’s the bus in Speed.
5:29 - You know how that gaffe of Rick Perry’s at the CNBC debate ruined him and turned someone who was already irrelevant into a bigger joke? This Rick Santorum baby story is the opposite of that. This crowd is riveted. And so am I quite frankly. But now that he’s cynically worked that whole routine into a health care jibe I would just like to invite him to fuck himself.
5:32 - Newt is going to get into the near death baby story tell off too. This is turning into some sort of thinly veiled anti-choice Def Poetry Jam.
5:34 - Oh and Newt pretending to get choked up is about as believable as Frank Lutz having a salad for dinner tonight before going home to his loving wife and not a $9 hooker.
5:38 - Newt has caused a great deal of pain in the lives of others. So he’s either talking about the 2 wives he left for other women or the thousands of people who have sat in an enclosed space while sounds have come out of his bullshit-lined mouth.
5:41 - Ron Paul’s personal flaw is that he was a good athlete as a teenager and injured himself so he couldn’t go on to greatness in track, football and/or baseball. Oh yes, and his penis is just too damn enormous.
5:44 - This is turning into an exercise in humility. Herman Cain’s flaw is that he was just so stinkin’ successful during his life making money and thinking of innovative tax plans that he didn’t have enough time at home to make his maid feel uncomfortable.
5:45 - Rick Perry’s new strategy can be summed up thusly: “Fuck it: I’m a moron with enough charm to make you laugh for a few seconds before one of these other people talk about substance*.”
*substance a relative word in this world
5:49 - Does anyone know Rick Santorum’s view on abortion and gay marriage? I can’t really seem to get a clear view from him on these things because he’s so nuanced about it. Plus he doesn’t seem to want to talk about them very much. I wish we could get a little more out of him on the subject.
5:52 - Michele Bachmann will get behind the DOMA law. No word yet on what her husband will get behind…you know the rest.
5:53 - Why does Frank Luntz keep leaving his asinine questions to the candidates with his constant, “Anyone?” It’s your job to make these fuckers answer the questions that you wrote, dipshit! Why are you such a shit?
5:55 - Newt Gingrich just made sure that happiness in the 18th century didn’t mean what the humans nowadays think it involves. So join up with the Gingrich 2012 campaign today: Happiness Without Joy!
5:57 - Two hours in and we have the first mention of a flat tax rate by Rick Perry. So you could sit through this thing with your skin crawling but in a different direction than it usually does with this ass clowns.
5:59 - Rick Santorum’s rejection of birth control qualifies him to wield expertise on the subject of education. I’m not making that up.
6:02 - Why isn’t this over with yet? I have a strange urge to get out of the house and marry a man, abort a fetus and wear non-pleated pants.
6:04 - What the hell is this? Frank Lutz is asking a complex question about the morality of killing in a war? Frank, do you not know who you are? No one would really bat an eye if you started flinging your excrement on the walls. I’m sure that instead of peanuts it would contain chunks of poll numbers and shame.
6:07 - Michele Bachmann: “The number one duty of the president is to protect the public*.”
*Not applicable if their safety is impeded by health, poverty, discrimination, religious persecution (except Christians, of course who are constantly being persecuted in America) or sexual orientation.
6:12 - I was about to compliment Rick Santorum for making sense and having a reasonable point about our relationship to the Middle East but then he has to go and keep talking so we’ll be returning to shitting on him, which I’m guessing he’s really into.
6:16 - Tough talk about Iran. But you have to come across that way when you’re a newbie or else you end up being traded for cigarettes which Frank Lutz will then smoke as he eats raw beef in his hotel bed while watching Weekend At Bernie’s for the 34th time.
I just aged 13 years in 2 hours and 15 minutes. For the love of God do not let Frank Lutz ever do anything again that involves talking or thinking. If anyone else sat through that thing and isn’t already halfway to Canada by now, let me know what you think then let me know that you’re not some sort of cyborg here to deplete us of our natural resources and Gatorade.
It’s been a while since I’ve done this so forgive me if I’m rusty. Is the race at this point against Teddy Kennedy and Jimmy Carter again? Sorry, I saw Newt Gingrich on the roster so I just assumed all the political corpses were available for reanimation. This will be the first debate I’ve actually watched this year so bear with me while you see my innocence raped by a metaphorical panda. Let’s get this live-blogging started!
7:03 - Herman Cain, Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman seemed to get the most applause when they were being introduced. What does that mean? Oh nevermind - Jim Cramer is going to be asking some questions. No need to look for meaning during any of these proceedings.
7:05 - The sexual tension between Herman Cain and the attractive CNBC lady is palpable. And by palpable I mean greasy and hard to digest. Just like Godfather’s Pizza - bang zoom!
7:08 - Jim Cramer: “I’m on the front lines of the stock market.” Am I the only one who just now found out he’s still on the air? I thought he was working at a Subway and the sandwich he specialized in was a rage & spittle combo.
7:11 - Jon Hunstman speaking out against “too big to fail” banks got the type of reluctant applause that a Miss America contestant gets when they mention world hunger. Come to think of it, Jon Huntsman would spend his time more wisely in the Miss America pageant than this. It certainly would be more dignified.
7:13 - Ah shit! Here comes the union bashing - spit your wicked rhymes, Romney! I’m talking about the literal meaning of the word wicked there.
7:14 - Mitt Romney’s been married to the same woman, gone to the same church and had the same job for a long time. So vote for the guy who sticks with his first option!
7:16 - Newt just suggested Ben Bernanke being fired and the crowd goes nuts. I’m guessing it’s because Bernanke keeps cutting Newt’s hair to glue on his face.
7:19 - “We’re getting our hat handed to us in terms of jobs” - Rick Santorum. I believe the word you’re looking for is ass, not hat. Of course we can all understand why you’d want to distance yourself from the ass.
7:21 - The audience is booing a question about Herman Cain’s alleged sexual harassment. This should be celebrated - the first GOP debate audience boo that’s justified! I assume they’ll make up for it soon by booing George Washington giving Uncle Sam a handjob while Jesus watches.
7:23 - CNBC bland guy: “I’m going to move back to the economy.” The crowd goes nuts. Do they know they’re at a GOP debate? I thought these were the crowds who threw tomatoes at homeless pregnant ladies. Have cable news clips been lying to me?!
7:25 - This crowd is so polite to Huntsman. Every time he says something sensible they pause for about 2 seconds and then realize there are cameras in the room so they better clap.
7:28 - Why the hell is Jim Cramer allowed to ask questions? We get it, you like Milton Friedman. You don’t have to slip it into a question. “Ronald Reagan who was the second coming of Christ once said that he liked jellybeans. Would you keep them on your desk in the Oval Office?”
7:32 - Here we go with the 9-9-9 plan again. It’s like he’s forcing it on us when we’re not interested. In the stairwell. When everyone’s at lunch. No one’s around, you don’t have to tell anyone. It certainly might help a promotion come down the pike. Eh? Eh?
7:34 - “The Obama economy has really crushed the middle class” - Mitt Romney. Yeah, because before he came along the middle class were sending their kids to college while only one parent had to work and they had benefits coming out of their asses. Remember when none of us had any debt and union wages back in 2008?
7:36 - Hey, they’re letting Ron Paul talk for the second time! If he’s lucky they might let him wear home his suit tonight instead of stripping him 5 seconds after the cameras turn off and he has to walk home wearing underwear that looks like what The Three Amigos wore when they were fired.
7:37 - Ron Paul was just talking about how the elderly get screwed when interest rates are so low. I know this is true because my grandma has been telling me that for the last 10 years. You’d think just based on the fact that the old people vote more than anyone that this would get brought up a lot more but I don’t think I’ve heard another candidate ever talk about the negative effects of low interest rates. (Insert joke here)
7:40 - They have commercials during these things? Is this sponsored by fear and resentment?
7:43 - Whenever Newt Gingrich talks about a subject he does it in such a way that he’s annoyed that he hasn’t been asked this already. Or that you don’t know the answer to his question already. He seems exasperated to have to explain himself and if you’re not on board you’re a dummy.
7:46 - We don’t have negative housing numbers down in Texas says Rick Perry. Come on down and he’ll show you a good time. My god, Josh Brolin really played the wrong Texas governor. The resemblance Perry and Brolin is uncanny. Are we sure Perry wasn’t in The Goonies?
7:49 - Newt Gingrich has been confused if the question was directed at him two separate times now. I guess if my voice sounded like that I would do everything in my power to puncture my eardrum too.
7:53 - Wow, Huntsman is now proposing that the astronomical growth of Goldman Sachs since the 1990s wasn’t good for the public. Is he looking to be Perry’s running mate or Obama’s?
7:56 - Herman Cain just referred to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy.” I believe that was also Romney’s locker room nickname circa 1960.
7:59 - Newt Gingrich has such disdain for cable news people asking him the questions and for this whole process. So you see - he does have some admirable qualities!
8:00 - Oh yeah, Michelle Bachmann - remember when she was a thing? She was like planking. Ridiculous, annoying and something only idiots were interested in.
8:02 - For a group of people known for being against everything Bill Clinton stood for, they sure do refer back to the 1990s as some sort of economic Plato’s Retreat a lot. I look forward to the GOP revisionist history that makes Reagan elected president in 1992.
8:04 - Romney was just given credit for his health insurance mandate in MA. He responded by looking like he just got caught with his penis inside of a troll under a bridge and spouting, “Well, the people, the people…”
8:06 - Oh isn’t that cute? The anchors are trying to be funny by referring to the way they’ve systematically lowered the discourse of these debates to a 7-year-old comprehension level and an even lower attention span. These guys are hilarious!
8:14 - Mitt Romney just made a joke! And it was pulled off somewhat well! You could practically see him saying to himself, “Ha! I made it through the humor hoop! My campaign manager is going to program a steak dinner into my circuits tonight for dinner before he shuts me down.”
8:16 - Rick Perry just forgot the third of three departments he would eliminate and everyone had a good laugh. The anchor then gives him another chance to remember and he can’t. So all you have to do to mess with Texas is ask it to explain itself.
8:18 - 9-9-9 is turning into Herman Cain’s catchphrase. I guess that beats Newt Gingrich’s, “What a ridiculous question.”
8:23 - I will give Michelle Bachmann this: she doesn’t seem to be chasing ratings. Like Ron Paul, she sticks to her unfortunate ideas as unpopular as opposing the payroll tax cut is, she doesn’t seem to be afraid of being booed. I mean she’s used to it in the bedroom due to a lack of her penis so GOP voters can’t scare her.
8:26 - Jon Huntsman is really banking on the rational Republicans to come out for him. While everyone else is blowing Reagan is he over in the corner twisting Eisenhower’s nipples?
8:30 - Newt Gingrich wants you to take more classes per semester at college and work a job while you’re at it. He then wants you to go to a younger, more attractive college during your sophmore year and leave the old college while it’s in the hospital. I think this was what he saying that works at the College of the Ozarks.
8:33 - Time for another commercial break here and I have to ask: does anyone actually gain any insight toward who they’re going to vote for during these things? Do you really watch this thinking, “You know, I’ve been a Michelle Bachmann guy up until now but I think I’m gonna go with Ron Paul instead”? Because if you actually learn anything from these debates you should probably check into Bellevue or at the very least put on some pants.
8:37 - You know how if you repeat a gag enough times it loses its humor but then if you do it some more if comes back around to being funny again? Yeah, 9-9-9 doesn’t work that way, Herman Cain.
8:42 - Bland CNBC anchor dude is trying to stir up some conflict between Romney and Huntsman and it’s not working. Jesus, just go write a soap opera and bring some adults to appear on these networks. You’ll like it better, granted it might be a little too classy for you at first but you’ll learn how to be more subtle about the product placement.
8:46 - Jim Cramer is screaming at Herman Cain about Wall St. corruption that was happening before the economic collapse. Cain handled him pretty smoothly and a lot more calmly than Newt, Ron or Rick would. Hey, why do I want to let him touch my boobs all the sudden? Ooooooh, that’s how he does it.
8:49 - Ron Paul is speaking out against crony capitalism vs. healthy capitalism. It gets the lowest amount of applause I’ve heard all night.
8:50 - And they wrapped it up in about 6 seconds like they remembered their parents were coming home early after leaving them home alone for the weekend and they have to clean all the cigarette stains out of the carpet in the next 25 minutes. I’d do the same thing if I saw Chris Matthews coming my way.
That was a debate, all right. They certainly stood at podiums and talked about things that people who are running for office talk about. They talked for two hours but I don’t think I could tell you issues that they addressed outside of housing and jobs in a very general, all-over-the-place sense. Oh Lord, now CNBC is having some sort of post-game analysis where the anchor at the desk is wearing one of those microphones that attaches to your ear. I’m getting out of this motherfucker before he launches into a Backstreet Boys song. See ya later!
I may or may not have taped this to my neighbor’s door after being awoken at 5AM for an hour long drunken croquet game outside my window:
Dear croquet playing assholes,
Everyone really appreciates you yelling like inconsiderate dickheads at 5AM. No one is trying to sleep at that time of morning so your retarded ramblings were perfect for the occasion! Do you think you could make your really loud scholarly debates a daily occurrence? Because a lot of us who are trying to sleep would really prefer to wake up to the sounds of drunken frat boys pathetically running out the clock in their meaningless lives than a boring old alarm clock!
Of course we don’t want to just take from you and not give anything back. So let the rest of the alley know when you all go to sleep so we can all act like psychopaths with no empathy for other human beings at the same time. I’m sure you would be delighted as the rest of us to just lie in bed listening to a gang of morons loudly pontificate about the bullshit they choose to concern themselves with so they don’t have to reflect on how sad they appear to sober, sane citizens of the world.
So great job guys – keep up the good work! You’ll be getting a “Neighbor Of The Year” award form in the mail soon. Be sure to check on the box marked “Waste Of Human Flesh” in the gender section and to sign and date before mailing back the form. Of course that assumes you’re literate which is a bit of a stretch judging from the drivel that was coming out of your mouths while everyone else was trying to sleep peacefully.