As I’m sitting in Bobtail Ice Cream today on my computer keeping the customers away I’m very happy that they’re playing oldies music. I love oldies and they always put me in a good mood. I then realize that they have on a local oldies radio station and think, “This is great because there’s only one oldies station in Kansas City and it’s a piece of shit that doesn’t really play oldies. Surely a real city like this will have a real oldies station.”
They kind of do, but not really. In general the quality of their oldies on whatever the hell station it was is better, but not good enough.
I’m very strict about this, but oldies to me is only music from the 50s and 60s. “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen and “Rock This Town” by Stray Cats are not goddamn oldies. Yes, they sound like oldies with their rockabilly influence, but that is 80s music. 80s music is not oldies, so take your Hall & Oates, Billy Joel and Fleetwood Mac and take them somewhere else because they don’t belong here.
Here’s how I break it down:
Oldies start with “Rock Around The Clock” by Bill Haley and the Comets and end with “Let It Be” by The Beatles. Sure, you can slip some Jackson 5 in there, but for the most part oldies end with the 1960s. Classic rock on the other hand doesn’t necessarily begin at 1970. Jimi Hendrix for instance was dead shortly after “Let It Be’s” release, but he’s not oldies. He’s classic rock. Same goes for the early Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath albums.
So classic rock begins at Are You Experienced and ends with John Lennon dying. Of course you can slip in some Zeppelin songs from Coda even though it was released in 1982, but it was recorded with John Bonham. And even though there’s a wealth of punk music you can choose from in the second half of the 70s, that’s not really classic rock. It’s classic for sure and it’s rock music, but it’s not classic rock. Same goes for disco and soul. James Brown in the 60s is oldies, like Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag” and “I Got You (I Feel Good)” but his 70s stuff is not classic rock.
There is some overlap though. I’d say this spans the time from the first Jefferson Airplane album to “Mama Told Me (Not To Come)” by Three Dog Night. Anything by The Beatles from 1968-1970 works fine for both. “Magic Bus” by The Who also fits into either category. The Doors are more on the classic rock side, but “Hello, I Love You” and “Light My Fire” work for both. Bob Dylan after he went electric can be played on classic rock, but his oldies cutoff is pretty much the motorcycle accident.
Cat Stevens 60s stuff qualifies as oldies but the 70s is classic rock (maybe during the acoustic hour, but still). Same goes for The Kinks and The Rolling Stones. Crosby, Stills and Nash however is to classic rock what Bill Haley and the Comets is to oldies.
Then you have bands like The Velvet Underground and The Stooges which don’t really belong in either world yet I can be ok with a little New York Dolls being played on classic rock stations.
It can be very grey, but what I’m saying is that the oldies era ends at Kent State, ok? None of this 70s and 80s shit is allowed anymore. Contact your representative and let he/she know what’s going on.
Here are some selections that made my blood pressure shoot up and therefore more likely to become a character in the insurance industry’s wet dream:
“The nonpartisan budget office also concluded that the bill would leave 25 million people uninsured in 2019; about one-third of them would be illegal immigrants. By contrast, a House version of the legislation would leave 17 million uninsured, the budget office has said. Currently, at least 46 million people are uninsured.”
Wow, so not only do we continue to treat immigrants with less dignity than we do stray cats, but we reduce the number of uninsured people to less than half. What progress! We’re so lucky to be in one of the richest nations the world has ever known!
The proposal would also set limits on out-of-pocket health care expenses. It would cap at 13 percent of household income — not including cost-sharing such as co-payments and deductibles — the cost of insurance premiums for middle-class Americans who just miss qualifying for the new government subsidies.
The caps don’t include co-payments or deductibles? Then what the fuck is the point? Deductibles are fucking huge - that’s why people don’t go to the doctor and get procedures that could help them down the road - they’re scared of paying the deductibles you assholes! That’s like saying, “Sure, I’ll have sex with you, but don’t expect me to touch your genitals anytime during the proceedings.”
And maybe I’m reading this wrong, but if they’re setting the cap at what the premiums cost us already then what’s changing? How are we saving more money this way? Keeping the 13% in there just adds another confusing major detail for people to remember. I thought this thing was supposed to simplify. I also thought they wanted to reduce administrative costs. I don’t see how that’s possible if every hospital is going to have to employ someone to audit people’s financial documents to verify that their bill is within the 13% of their income. People are going to have to be hired to do all of this bullshit work.
All of the plans offered through the exchange would have to meet strict new requirements. Insurance companies could not bar coverage based on pre-existing medical conditions, and could only increase the cost of premiums based on a few factors like age, tobacco use and whether a plan is for an individual or a family.
This may be naive of me, but I don’t understand why you should be allowed to raise the rates on people who age. It’s not exactly something you can overcome like smoking or being a Baptist.
On abortion, the legislation would seek to bar the use of federal funds for terminating pregnancies except in cases of rape, incest or a danger to the woman’s life — exceptions that are already specified under Medicaid law.
Private insurance plans, offered through the new exchange, could choose to cover abortion services, but they would be required to segregate money, taken from private premiums, to cover the procedure.
Jesus tapdancing Christ - did Rush Limbaugh write this shit? Again, more bullshit red tape to satisfy some retard’s idea of what Jesus thinks about your vagina. I’m so glad the “liberals” won this last election and brought all of their “progressive ideals” along with them! Ugh, I wonder how hard it would be to relocate to Toronto - it can’t be that much colder than Chicago, right?
Under the proposal, illegal immigrants would be barred from purchasing insurance through the new exchanges even if they could afford to pay the full cost on their own.
And the proposal would require strict verification of immigration status for anyone seeking to buy coverage on the exchanges, a potentially costly and labor-intensive process. Only citizens and lawful immigrants could seek subsidies to help them purchase insurance.
So even if they’ve worked hard enough (i.e. at least three times as hard than us white folk probably ever will) to actually pay for something that is a basic human right in all other sane places, our answer is “Go fuck yourself!”
While Mr. Baucus is still hoping to win the support of at least some Republicans, the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, issued a statement on Wednesday denouncing the plan.
Um, Mr. Baucus: fuck you and this limp dick bill you rode in on. Please have the other pussies in your party read this:
I’m sorry this makes me mad as fucking hell. It’s like we’ve been arguing with a sleazy used car dealer all day and then we get home and realize all of it was for a goddamned Ford Pinto.
As I understand it this is an ABC News exclusive, right? And I think it was last week when Brian Williams and NBC got the “all-access” pass to the White House. I believe next week Katie Couric will perform Mr. Obama’s colonoscopy and make it her screen saver. Get ready to go back to the 8th grade to hear some dumbass questions.
9:02 - I already don’t like this format and I have no idea why. Much like when you walk into a lame work party with great food, there’s just an immediate bad vibe you get like walking into a clan rally and you feel like you’ve made a huge mistake.
9:04 - If I heard this Dr. Tim Johnson talk like that to me while sitting in his office I’d yell into his stethoscope that I’m not fucking 9 and don’t need to be talked to like I am.
9:06 - I hate myself for noticing this, but his hair looks a lot less gray than usual. OK, I’m going to kick my ass now.
9:09 - Diane Sawyer shouldn’t be allowed to ask questions or talk for more than 5 seconds at a time. I find it so odd she’s married to Mike Nichols.
9:11 - He seems to understand the importance of reforming how we pay doctors. I can tell he’s read that New Yorker article about the Mayo Clinic. It would be easy at this point to suggest the advantage of having a president who reads, but I won’t do that.
9:14 - I feel like Diane Sawyer’s questions are written to satisfy people who get their information on this subject from TV news….oh, never mind.
9:16 - Genuine change doesn’t come from government? Dude, you have the majority in both houses, approval ratings, poll numbers that say people want this and the economic crisis that gives us the opportunity to change the shit up. You can do this largely without us. Fuck this reaching across the aisle bullshit on this one. Why reach across when there are alligators there waiting to bite your hand off?
9:19 - There are commercials during this thing? Do we have to pretend to be shocked when a boner pill ad comes on?
9:20 - A McDonald’s commercial during a health care Q&A? Why not show a crack commercial during a poverty discussion?
9:24 - Charlie Gibson wants to ask a question that may sound silly and naive? Get out of town! And he was right - I’m pretty sure that question was written by Rush Limbaugh.
9:26 - The president of the AMA is talking, I think it would be nice if ABC digitally added flames around his head like that Simpson’s episode with Mayor Quimby.
9:33 - Why do we always have to see a close-up shot of an IV during hospital montages? There’s nothing quite as riveting as water slowly dripping!
9:36 - These end-of-life questions are hard ones to answer. He does seem to grasp how complicated all these issues can be and it’s nice to not have it all written off with easy answers.
9:39 - “We want to use science. We want to use experts.” I don’t know, that sounds pretty elitist to me. Mr. President. I don’t want no fancy book-learnin’, latte-drinkin’, pants-wearin’ coast types tellin’ me that my diabetes is making my ass fat. Can’t I just continue to blame it on the devil?
9:43 - It would be nice if someone brought up Europe and suggest that we steal ideas that have worked for them.
9:45 - A guy just asked about how involved government could get involved in your personal life. Does this man realize the government already does this regarding who you fuck, how you chose to get high and if and how you want to end your life?
9:48 - Charlie looks very annoyed that Barack just outed him as making over $250k a year. It’s probably the first time he’s heard about a salary that low since 1982.
9:50 - Jesus Christ, they’re taking as many commercial breaks as there are during a tied playoff game with 90 seconds to go. Classy, ABC. Couldn’t you have got a company with tons of cash like GM to sponsor this shindig?
9:54 - Just say rich people can pay more taxes than they have been for the last 8 years. Why can’t we just admit this will cost some money?
9:56 - Barack seems to have a passion for this issue and you can tell it’s something he is very knowledgeable about. It probably helps that he sleeps with an incredibly intelligent former hospital executive, but I like that he doesn’t seem to be just pulling all of this out of his ass.
That was a few interesting minutes of a health care discussion framed around tons of commercials. The ratio of content to advertising was equal to the amount of liquid to ice when you order a drink at Sonic without any specifications.
Leave it to American white people who most of the year sit around and repeat cliches about immigration from blowhards like Lou Dobbs, to use other country’s holidays as an excuse to get shitfaced and then pat themselves on the back for being culturally sensitive. Can’t we just drink to excess because we want to?
I got my C-SPAN on and just finished a disappointingly bland frozen pizza, so I guess that means I’m ready? Before we begin I have a little mini-rant for the democrats: now that you have Arlen Specter, you no longer can give us any excuses. Remember when you ran on getting us out of Iraq/trying to stop George W. Bush’s reign of terror in 2006? I do. I also remember you saying you needed to win the presidency after you got in there and failed to do anything significant at all. So we gave you the presidency. Then remember when you put all those tax cuts in the stimulus package and gave away a ton of Republican goodies and they didn’t vote for your bill? And you said you needed a filibuster proof majority to get through major initiatives? Well, you now have that - I will no longer accept any excuses from you. You’ve been given every tool you need to do something and I will no longer accept your stalling. Thank you.
7:03 - Barack Obama just told me to cover my mouth when I cough like my mom only would when we were out in public, when I was at home she let the germs fly. Sadly, that probably won’t change. I’m gross.
7:05 - Yes, we’ve stopped torturing people. The last guy told us that and since apparently there isn’t accountability for people breaking the law, this statement doesn’t mean as much as I wish it did.
7:07 - He just called out the no-bid contracts. That was nice. I haven’t heard anyone talk about those for two years, when Rudy and Hillary were the frontrunners. I’d like to say we’ve come a long way since then, but that really only applies to time.
7:08 - Responding to the swine flu problem based on science? Didn’t George Bush leave him a note telling him you can just pray that shit away?
7:10 - “The Bush administration did a good job.” Damn, that frozen pizza must already be taking its hallucinogenic effects.
7:11 - “If you are sick, stay home.” Yeah, that’s kind of hard when all of our savings has been wiped out and we don’t get hardly any vacation time, materinty leave or sick days. Isn’t that up to…the legistlators? Of course, I’m only speaking for those of us who still have jobs.
7:15 - I just spotted Helen Thomas, based on the quality of questions, should she get to ask about 83% of them and then give chimps live Chuck Todd a few crumbs at the end?
7:16 - Wow, a ballsy question about torture. Serves me right for that last comment.
7:17 - Yes, Barack, everyone is convinced ending torture was the right thing to do. Except Dick Cheney, who’s basically a fictional character anyway. But it’s not really that big of a thing to be proud of, it’s just being a decent human being. Do we really earn a pat on the back for that?
7:19 - OK dude, we all get that you want to end torture. That’s not what we’re all curious about. We want to know if the people who did do it will be punished for it. You know, like everyone else was in the 20th century. Oh here we go…he said it was a mistake for them to do. Well, that didn’t tell us anything. Other than he doesn’t want to talk about it.
7:21 - Oh damn you, Obama. Using nuance and complexity to explain that torture isn’t the only way to get good info. Why must you use your intellect to seduce me? And why are you undressing me with your eyes? My face is up here mister.
7:24 - He’s describing the basic lack of structure and basic deterioration in Pakistan and the need for us to help them and for the first half of his description I didn’t realize he moved on to foreign affairs questions.
7:27 - Is it me or does Obama seem to not enjoy this very much? He talks the way I used to when asked by family members as a teenager how school was going. Also: the dude looks a little orange.
7:32 - He does a good job of calling out Republican stubbornness and pigheadedness while staying classy about doing it. I kind of like it.
7:35 - What’s this? Actually recognizing women are smart enough to think about all the repercussions of abortion themselves without men telling them what to do and not sucking up to religious clergy about it? Sean Hannity is licking his chops.
7:37 - What has humbled him the most about his job? Hey, guy with the glasses- you forgot to ask how his balls are doing and if they need some TLC. I like how Barack kind of made fun of him.
7:40 - He seems to be honest in his answer of the softball question and telling in some of his disillusionment with how things are done. I sense a hint of emotional honesty here. But I could just be optimistic because he isn’t George Bush.
7:44 - Damn: immigration, abortion, torture and Iraq. So how are the press going soft on him exactly? They seem to be asking about actual issues to me for the most part. Oddly enough, it seems like the economy has been forgotten so far. Or maybe I already forgot. I should mention I’m nearing my 93rd birthday.
7:48 - Now he’s being asked about what’s happening in black America. Will this be the first time he’s talked about this subject in a year? Good question. I thought these fuckers were going to be way more embarrassing.
7:52 - Getting a little bored, so South Park is done until the fall right?
7:53 - “I don’t want to run auto companies and banks - I already got two wars to run.” You’d think that would stop all the teabag wackos from shitting in their pants but it won’t. Actually I should have said pissing their pants because of all the tea, but I only think of these things after the fact.
7:57 - Good point. Why would the administration enjoy meddling in the private sector? It sounds like a complicated pain in the ass to me. It does seem to be in best interest of both to move on as quickly as possible. Like after a one-night stand.
Well, that was…a news conference. I would feel better about it if Helen Thomas got to have a say. I’ll have talk about with her later when she calls.
Oh Catholics…is there any story about you I read where I don’t want you to suck my balls by the end of it?
Those slutty females of Brazil - how dare they walk around having vaginas with all those men folk around? If they’re brutally raped by their piece-of-shit fathers, they should just pony up and have the fucking babies. “That’s just part of life honey, deal with it. I know you’re 9 years old but some priests who never know what it will be like to be a 9-year-old girl (except for the dressing up in pretty dresses and crazy hats part) say that you have to have it.”
I love how the Vatican has a “top bioethics official” meaning that there are multiple people in that department. I guess they sit right next to sales.
Obama has two unhealthy habits: smoking and church. One of which he hides and has to sneak around to indulge in and the other one the public has to be informed about or else we would hold him suspect.
Can we be one of those cool countries where an article like this would be laughed out of the room if someone brought up the idea of writing it?
I personally would rather him smoke - it seems easier for him to quit that one later. While he’s president can’t we let the man smoke? He’s under quite a bit of stress, no?
Also: George W. Bush never joined a local church? I’ll be damned.
What a great topic to explore in the middle of 12 different disasters! You mean people who work all the time and are under incredible amounts of stress have hair that turns gray? Wow.
Look forward to these hard hitting investigative pieces in the upcoming weeks:
Michelle Obama’s Breasts Reportedly Not As Perky As They Were In 1985
Young President Obama Doesn’t Quite Understand How To Play Modern Videogames, But Will Kick Your Ass On Street Fighter
Malia Obama’s Enjoyment Of Sesame Street Has Taken A Downturn for the 4th Consecutive Year; Enjoyment Of Disney Channel Continues To Rise
Most people resolve to quit smoking or quit eating the equivalent of cigarettes in their diet on New Year’s Day. I usually tell myself I’m going to stop making top ten lists about music and movies, but then like a reformed smoker I can smell it in the air and before I know it I’m three cartons deep into bullshit. So let’s all enjoy a little puff, shall we?
TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2008
1. Titus Andronicus The Airing Of Grievances
In a year where our collective journey down the toilet as a society has been accelerated with a lead foot, this album to me just felt right. And that’s really the only criteria I can use for these silly little lists. 2008 is the year that I wanted to listen to drunken 20-year-olds screaming “Your life is over” and “Fuck everything and fuck me!” while contemplating how we’re going to make it to 2009.
2. Vivian Girls Vivian Girls
The album sounds like it was recorded in some attic outside of Pittsburgh and the songs sound like they could’ve been written in 1965. I’m always a sucker for a short, straightforward album that consists of perfectly crafted pop songs all 3 minutes long or less. Upon re-reading that idiotic last sentence I might as well have said, “I’m always a sucker for cars that last 25 years and get 70 mpg with little-to-no maintenance required throughout it’s very satisfying life.”
3. Bob Dylan The Bootleg Series Vol. 8: Tell Tale Signs - Rare And Unreleased 1989-2006
Not only are there a lot of unheard gems on this, there are some great alternate and live versions of some latter-day Bobby D greats like “Ain’t Talkin’” and “Ring Them Bells.” This guy has more A material in his leftovers than a lot of artists have on their “masterpiece” album. Probably because he’s still making quality original music, he has kept up his aversion to fake nostalgia and running on the fumes of his hits unlike other pop musicians his age (I’m looking at you, The Police and well, most people from the 80s who are touring stadiums).
4. Deerhunter Microcastle
At first I didn’t think much of this one, but then it crept back up on me like a Chipotle meal. It’s just kind of awkwardly pretty. I’m not entirely sure what that means but let’s assume it’s some sort of statement of genius and the great thinkers in hundreds of years from now will find this and put me on their currency.
5. No Age Nouns
There are only two people in this band and when I listen to this album I hear an almost “Wall of Sound” aspect to the noise of guitar and drums. So this is either one of those great bands that can make a lot with a little or the sound in my head is a result of that voluntary lobotomy I signed up for in exchange for a treat from the ice cream man when I was 5. But hey, I had to sit through church somehow!
6. GZA The Genius Pro Tools
What a great flow this one has - each song compliments the next one quite nicely. A very fun listen and the beats feel fresh. Unlike last year’s all-over-the-place Wu-Tang release, this album is very focused without too much filler. All the hip hop albums getting critical praise at the end of the year like Lil’ Wayne, Q-Tip and Lupe Fiasco didn’t do much for me while the GZA seemed to slip under a lot of people’s radar and I’m not sure why.
7. Beck Modern Guilt
I usually don’t get too excited about Beck although I have always liked his music, but this one really did it for me. Maybe because of the Danger Mouse-produced psuedo-psychadelic sound, maybe because of the ten, relatively short songs or maybe it’s because all year-end music lists are legally obligated to include any new Beck album that came out that year and claim it’s his best album since Odelay then passive-aggressively shit on it when the next one comes out.
8. Lightspeed Champion Falling Off The Lavender Bridge
What made this album interesting to me was this mopy British guy singing all these midwestern twangy songs about all of his friends listening to crunk. This sound seemed to be fashionable about 6 years ago, but I never get tired of it. I don’t even know what the new “indie rock” sound is anymore, but to make it in that world it seems like all you really need to do is name your band after some sort of animal native to Colorado and/or Wyoming.
9. Tokyo Police Club Elephant Shell
Just a fun collection of catchy and peppy pop songs that I’ve continually enjoyed listening to throughout the year. The genre that this would most likely be in, pop-punk, is as hard to make enjoyable these days as a romantic comedy is and I think they pulled it off well. Since these guys are from Toronto, I may be willing to forgive that city for all the years of Rush. No, not quite yet.
10. Kanye West 808s And Heartbreak
The first time I listened to this album I hated it with the exception of one song and was ready to throw it away. Then I kept going back and thought, “Maybe I don’t hate this at all, in fact, maybe I think it’s great in a some way.” That pendulum has swung back and forth for me a number of times now and I’m still not sure how I feel about this one. Sometimes I think it could be Kanye’s Kid A and other times I think the whole album is just a self-indulgent robot voice whining about girl problems. Of course, accusing Mr. West of being self-indulgent is like saying reality TV is insulting your intelligence - isn’t that the point of it? But it’s interesting nonetheless and I can’t quite get it out of my head.
Honorable Mention:
Ra Ra RiotThe Rhumb Line
MGMTOracular Spectacular
Jenny LewisAcid Tongue
Jay ReatardMatador Singles ‘08
R.E.M. Accelerate
TOP TEN SONGS OF 2008
1. Ben Folds with Regina Spektor “You Don’t Know Me”
3. Eddie Vedder and Corin Tucker “The Golden State”
Good love song about a person and/or California.
4. Black Kids “I’m Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance”
Good dance song.
5. Kanye West “Robocop”
Good “trust issues” song.
6. Tokyo Police Club “Tessellate”
Good pop song.
7. Animal Collective “Water Curses”
Good weird song.
8. Vampire Weekend “M79”
Good grandiose song.
9. Deerhoof “Chandelier Searchlight”
Good happy song.
10. Riskay “Smell Yo Dick”
Good practical advice song.
TOP TEN FILMS OF 2008
1. WALL•E (Andrew Stanton)
The two robots who fall in love are the most human and emotionally rich characters I’ve seen in a modern film in the last few years. But then again, we as a nation don’t really watch movies about humans anymore. Instead we watch morally black and white superhero movies, vampires who will indulge our puritan attitudes about teen virginity and 58-year-old women who drink cosmos and sleep with 23-year-old sexual stallions who don’t seem to notice the AARP magazines on the night stand the next morning. A lot of attention went to the post-apocalyptic depiction of earth and the human race that turned into lazy, fat slobs who sit in front of TV screens all day in the future (didn’t that already happen about ten years ago anyway?) and I really enjoyed that myself, but the love story here was the key to the film. When WALL•E finally grabs Eve’s hand and holds it, I almost lost it. And the last time I cried at a movie was when Fivel got separated from his family.
2. Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman)
This was a very hard movie to watch the first time because it’s just so sad. But it’s also very funny, sweet and strange at the same time. When people asked me what I thought of it after I saw it I had no answer for them because it took approximately 3 weeks to process and let my emotions simmer back down. Then I realized if a movie has such an effect on me that it’s what I was still thinking about after arriving in Australia and had to drive around by myself for 20 minutes after seeing it before I could face people again because I was so emotional from it, then it has to be worthy of recognition. Even though it had some flaws, at least it made me feel something strongly for better and worse, which I can’t say for most of the movies I saw this year. And with these first 3 movies especially, they all stuck with me long after I left the theater and went back to my rather inconsequential daily activities.
3. Happy-Go-Lucky (Mike Leigh)
I know a lot of people were annoyed by this movie, specifically Sally Hawkins’ uber-perky performance in the lead role, and you could argue that she drifted into manic pixie dream girl territory at times, but it didn’t bother me in the least. Quentin Tarantino talks about a specific genre of films that he calls “hang out movies” where you hang out with the characters so much they become your friends in films like Rio Bravo and Dazed And Confused. This film fits right into that category - the plot isn’t all that substantial but it’s such a fun time in this beautiful and interesting world you get to sit in on for two hours it doesn’t bother you that not that much is happening.
4. Burn After Reading (Joel & Ethan Cohen)
Just funny the whole way through and it never gets boring. Pretty much anytime John Malkovich was on the screen I was laughing, not to mention David Rasche and J.K. Simmons. The film has a great way of not taking itself very seriously but with very competent filmmaking and storytelling. Critics seemed to poo-poo it because it was very light-hearted compared to the Cohen’s ultra-serious No Country For Old Men last year, but this was carried out just as well as that one was and had just as many goofy haircuts so what was the problem?
5. Standard Operating Procedure (Errol Morris)
The content of this documentary is more sad than the Charlie Kaufman movie and yet makes you more angry than depressed. Errol Morris gets some great interviews in this, including Lynndie England. I guess not a lot of people want to watch a complex and detailed analysis of how we torture our POWs and then shift the blame away from people higher up who let it all happen, but maybe if we paid more attention to this we’d make more of a fuss about it. And that’s about as much self-righteousness as I can take on New Year’s Day, so I’ll just go back to eating my cinnamon rolls right now and mindlessly consume as usual while bitching about things that I could take the time to invest in if I wasn’t one of those lazy slobs in WALL•E. Damn.
6. A Girl Cut In Two (Claude Chabrol)
Of all the older-man-haves-an-affair-with-woman-young-enough-to-be-his-daughter movies that came out this year, this one was my favorite. Maybe because of the high-caliber actors involved or that is also includes a murder or because of how attractive Ludivine Sagnier is in the film. Or maybe just because it’s French and perhaps that’s why it addresses complex sexual issues and actually acknowledges something besides vanilla sex between two people in a room with candles while Enya plays in the background and there’s some sort of creepy breeze without judging it.
7. The Foot Fist Way (Jody Hill)
I thought this was going to be another generic, overly-crass, Will Ferell-inspired movie about dumbasses who hide behind fake cockiness and thankfully, it was. That’s not a criticism, this was a very funny movie with a very funny actor in the lead role by the name of Danny McBride and without him I don’t know if I would’ve liked this as much. Well, him and the little kid who plays Julio. It was nice to see a fresh comedy this year that was from a scene not attached to Judd Apatow’s, kind of like when the Yankees would lose a game 10 years ago.
8. My Winnipeg (Guy Maddin)
A weird little semi-autobiographical movie from Guy Maddin set in his winter wonderland hometown of Winnipeg, he pretty much narrates stories about his childhood and there are beautiful pictures to go along with it. It’s a movie that could easily put you to sleep since the narrator is fighting sleep the entire time and the town is buried under 6 tons of snow the whole time. I’m shamed to say this was my first Guy Maddin experience and much like when I tried guacamole for the first time this year, I thought to myself, “What took you so long, you idiot!?”
9. In Bruges (Martin McDonagh)
This film felt like a good Pixies album to me - small, well-executed, to the point and without any excess fat with the exception of the guy who played Ken. It’s a very funny movie with great use of excess cursing and violence juxtaposed with the backdrop of a charming old town in Belgium. Wait, I just realized my subconscious connection of this movie with the Pixies - one of my favorite songs of theirs is in the trailer to this movie. And I always thought I was smarter than the trailers. Well, I’m off to see W. because a retarded man just walked by my window, damn sublimiminal tricks.
10. Paranoid Park (Gus Van Sant)
High school movies are always tough for me to watch because 1) they’re usually dumbed down to the point where only Hummer-owners can enjoy them and 2) they have 90210 syndrome of 35-year-olds playing 16-year-olds. This high school movie though has actual teenagers playing teenagers and talking like real teenagers do which means not a lot of dialogue and the word “like” is heard frequently. It’s really a great murder mystery that you get to find out the details of while the story is told non-sequentially. And it’s not really about skateboarding just like Raging Bull isn’t really about boxing. It’s about steak, right?
Honorable Mention:
Elegy (Isabel Coixet)
Married Life (Ira Sachs)
Role Models (David Wain)
WORST TEN FILMS OF 2008
1. W. (Oliver Stone)
Interesting observations, so you’re telling me George W. Bush likes to act on instinct more than thinking things through? Gee, it’s not like I’m painfully reminded of that everyday and will be for years to come, thank you! You couldn’t even parody this movie if you tried and Lord knows Oliver Stone did. I love me some Josh Brolin, but watch him in Milk instead of this bio-pic seemingly written by an 8th grader. If I wanted to see a one-dimensional politician depicted this cartoonish and simplistic I’d watch CNN.
2. Miracle At St. Anna (Spike Lee)
Usually I can still enjoy Spike Lee’s lesser works like She Hate Me and even on some level Bamboozled, but this was hard to sit through. There are 10 different themes trying to work at the same time and I could never figure out what any of them were outside some obvious ones I knew would be in there before seeing it. The most frustrating thing about this is that we need a good WWII movie about black soldiers because I can’t really think of any within my narrow world of cinema knowledge. I would’ve enjoyed a montage of Spike yelling at people while at Knick games on YouTube more than this film. Hey, that gives me an idea…
3. Smart People (Noam Murro)
One of the most eye-roll worthy movies I saw this year. It’s yet another in a long line of scripts purposely written to corner the quirk market but forgetting to be charming, interesting or funny. Your annoying co-worker who talked about Sex And The City all summer will call this her favorite “weird, art-house” movie of the year. Try to ignore her and show something shiny to her so she’ll get distracted and move on to something else.
4. The Spirit (Frank Miller)
I know nothing of comic books so I shouldn’t really weigh in on these types of movies, but my 2 year old niece could weigh in on this and sound more smart than anything in the film. I could stare at Scarlett Johansson for about 6 days in a row with pools of drool flooding me at my feet, but I really think she’s a horrible actress that has brought down most of the movies I’ve seen her in the last few years, especially Vicky Christina Barcelona. Of course the next thing she’s in I’ll be first in line for while fantasizing that she’ll be at the showing, sit by me, become charmed by my witty comments during the film and then introduce me to Woody Allen after making violent love to me. And scoff at people for being too into fantasy and superhero movies!
5. Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden? (Morgan Spurlock)
A junior high video project disguised as a cross-cultural, in-depth religious discussion. The message of the movie seems to be that Muslims are kind of weird but they’re not all terrorist-lovin’ extremists then wants points for being nuanced or something. We’re so ignorant about other cultures that you can get a movie financed that basically just recognizes other people’s existence. Morgan Spurlock here doesn’t try to dig beyond the surface, connect any dots or look at any cause-and-effect reasons for anything. Did I already use the “I’d watch CNN” joke? Son of a bitch!
6. Zack And Miri Make A Porno (Kevin Smith)
The big conflict of this movie hinges on a misunderstanding that even the president of the Three’s Company Fan Club would scoff at. I thought the idea of making a porno because you were broke was a good idea and very appropriate given our economic climate, but it never goes anywhere beyond “porn is funny.” The only reason to sit through this is to watch Craig Robinson from The Office be really funny, as he is in everything he’s in. So if he’s not on screen either fast forward through it, or go to the movie theater bathroom and try to illicit sex from your Republican senator or local youth pastor.
7. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (David Fincher)
The problem with this one is not that the movie is over two and half hours long. It’s that it feels about 2 and half weeks long, and that’s just in the first 30 minutes. I don’t need movies like this to make total sense, I just need the strange world they create to be interesting enough to make me not think about the logistics of a white man born in 1918 in the south with a black mother not ever encountering racism or just the chronology not quite lining up right between Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. And why is it old people in movies never think to tell their fascinating life stories until they’re on their death bed even though the story has been written out perfectly for the last 20 years? You see, I don’t want to be thinking about these questions during a movie and I was. This might be one of the most boring films I’ve seen in a long time which is a shame considering David Fincher made a really long and fascinating character study last year with Zodiac. But I guess Let It Be and Abbey Road were made in the same year too.
8. War, Inc. (Joshua Seftel)
Again, a great idea and subject to tackle - war profiteering, but the execution goes nowhere. I really liked Grosse Point Blank the first time I saw it, but I don’t need it remade and shoehorned into a story about Popeye’s in Baghdad. That was a funny place to have secret government meetings in though. Perhaps God is punishing Jon Cusack for those horrible chick flicks he keeps doing, but I don’t understand why he has to punish the rest of us in the process. Maybe because we still let Mel Gibson make movies?
9. Hamlet 2 (Andy Fleming)
This had some good ingredients like Steve Coogan and just the proposal of making a Hamlet 2, but that’s about it. The movie feels like a bad Comedy Central pilot that has a decent premise, but no one actually showed up to work on it until the day before it was supposed to be done. Hey, I just described this list. Anyway, the “Rock Me, Sexy Jesus” song is kind of funny, so just watch that on the internet and forget about the rest.
I grouped these movies together here because I saw one in a wisdom tooth pulling aftermath while coming in and out of conciousness, I saw half of one on a plane and it was so disgustingly bad I didn’t need to see the rest and the last one I watched about 5 minutes of when I was killing time at the movie theater waiting for something to start and it was maybe the funniest movie scene I saw all year, although unintentionally. So 27 Dresses - the usual stupid and condescending to women movie that people like and will always be around, nothing particularly worse about it than any other movie like that. The Rocker - a great movie that’s funny and sweet if you’re 12 years old and think that Green Day is punk music. But Fireproof makes the list because of the scene I walked into which was Kirk Cameron’s character on his computer reading and he starts to get tempted to click on a pornography pop up ad and has to pace around the room to psyche himself out of not looking at porn. He then finds his Christian marriage book on the table open to the chapter about conquering addictions and the next scene is him taking a baseball bat to his circa 2000-era Gateway tower. And since that computer is the only source of porn in the world and I’m guessing he doesn’t own a television all of his problems are solved! Is it wrong I want to rent the movie to see the rest of it? Of course, it will just give Cameron more money to put out more end-of-days video games.
Dishonorable Mention:
Choke (Clark Gregg)
Cassandra’s Dream (Woody Allen)
Baby Mama (Michael McCullers)
DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE
- movies that were on everyone’s lists and received lots of praise that I didn’t think was deserved, even though I enjoyed most of these movies on some level:
So after my boy John directed me to this page on Saddleback’s website about celebrating recovery from your addictions, I clicked on the e-mail link and sent this to them:
I was wanting to know if I could come down and celebrate my recovery from Christianity - this is my 5th year of not going to church during the holidays and I think it’s an important milestone in my life. Knowing that I made it past the 5 year mark gives me the confidence I need to know I won’t backslide back into singing awful songs in unison on Sundays and instead spend it on useful actitivies like sleeping in and/or having sex.
And the reply I got from them this morning was:
You are more than welcomed to attend Celebrate Recovery.
The fourth image is the Gender Blenders. They are the Michael Jacksons and Boy Georges that don’t even pretend to be masculine. They have a complete reversal of roles and identity.
What is the alternative to this? God’s Model for Manhood. Being a male is a matter of your birth but being a man is a matter of choice.
I thought to myself, “Are the young youth pastors with their highlighted blonde hair and well groomed facial hair that wear pookah shells and sandals and write sensitive songs on their acoustic guitarsreally the epitome of sterotypical masculinity?”
I then was reminded of a similar quote from Matt Taibbi’s latest book when he went undercover into John Hagee’s church:
there is something very odd about modern Christian men — although fiercely pro-military in their politics and prehistorically macho in their attitudes toward women’s roles, on the level of day-to-day behavior they seem constantly ready to break out weeping like menopausal housewives
Anyway, I kind of like how this Warren selection has made us all pay attention to the new James Dobson and has exposed all of his old-fashioned and hateful views. Uh, Rick you argue that just because a natural human desire exists (like homosexuality) it doesn’t mean that giving into that desire is healthy. Along side your desire to fuck everything that looks good in a skirt, would you call eating every donut in sight a natural human desirethat is healthy? Because from the looks of it, that’s a desire that you seemed to have deemed permissible to give in to. But two ladies who want to rock out to Melissa Etheridge together for 50 years will kill all of us? Hmm, I’m not sure I follow your “logic.”
But that’s not a huge deal, and making fun of someone’s weight is what people who try to argue against gun control do to Michael Moore to somehow make their case. Let’s not forget Warren isn’t the only dickhead on this issue, the Pope is still an asshole too:
I didn’t feel right about my post the other day in regard to the auto industry bailout. I didn’t sound harsh enough on the auto companies, who I’ve never had any sympathy for. That’s what I get for trying to be diplomatic.
I can’t get behind giving any of these people money because they’re kind of evil. They have consistently resisted any efforts to improve CAFE standards for the last 20 years and held off from jumping on the hybrid bandwagon until they had no choice, not to mention the money they’ve poured into denying and discrediting global warming evidence. Just think if they would’ve used all the money and energy on coming up with creative ways to conserve energy instead of pretending we didn’t need to.
During the democratic presidential debates last year I was adamant about not supporting any candidate who voted for the Iraq War as I thought the punishment for that horrible decision should be that you don’t get to be president or on the ticket. (Joe Biden ruined that fantasy) So shouldn’t mega-corporations who have wrecked so much environmental damage on us over the years also be punished by solving their own self-created problems?
I was listening to Carl Levin and Richard Shelby debate this the other day on Meet The Press and Shelby, the Republican from Alabamba was the guy sounding reasonable and sane. It’s not often I will think that about a southern Republican on a Sunday morning talk show, but Carl Levin is a senator from Michigan, so you can imagine who donates the most money to his campaigns.
The message I was getting from Levin while listening to him was, “Just give them $25 billion more and they’ll be ok and fix themselves.” Um, that’s what an addict says when they come over to your house and look around in your attic for shit to pawn. And correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we give Detroit $25 billion just a few months ago? Again, this is what addicts do.
The argument against letting them go bankrupt is that people won’t buy cars from a company that is percieved to have failed. To paraphrase George Will, they have failed already. Are people going to be lined up around the block to buy inferior cars from companies that have been walking around asking for handouts? The damage is already done - you fucked yourselves after fucking us for too long. Sorry.
David Brooks points out that many companies who died because of competition or because they became antiquated with the times didn’t ruin our economy, but were simply replaced:
Did the economy collapse when everyone started taking planes instead of trains?
And what the hell is with Obama wanting to install an auto czar? Will he make sure that the position is as ineffectual and superfluous as the drug czar? If he really wanted to help this problem in the long term he would propose a gas tax. I hate to second something that I heard Ashton Kutcher say on Bill Maher, but the oil companies can bailout the Big 3 since they’ve had such a symbiotic relationship over the years, not to mention the fact that the oil companies have way more discretionary cash than we do.
Anyway, my biggest beef with all of this discussion is that no one publicly is talking about getting away from us driving so much. To me tackling this issue would be more like treating the cause instead of the symptoms. The most infuriating thing, like with practically all issues in this country, is that we only talk about the small picture and short-term solutions.
With that in mind this op-ed piece about JFK’s interior secretary and his incredible foresight about the danger of being too reliant on oil is required reading:
I don’t know who went to the Prop 8 protest here in Kansas City on the Plaza yesterday, but an idea just came to me about it. Although I’m too late, wouldn’t it have been better to have the protest over in Independence at the big Mormon church? I mean, since the Mormons think Independence is where Adam and Eve first frolicked around wouldn’t it have been great to do it there? People could’ve dressed up in magic underwear and everything!
And shouldn’t protests be about confrontation and getting some attention from your opponents? The Plaza is fine, I guess, but instead of people just honking their horns as they drive by, wouldn’t it have been better if it was right outside of the very institution that help push along this mess? I would think the potential media coverage would be greater out there, plus you would be visible to a lot more people who don’t agree with you in conservative Independence.
I should’ve gone to it. Damn. How was it yesterday? I haven’t read any reports yet.
Also, isn’t it kind of ironic that one of the most formidable candidates on the Republican side this year was dismissed by all the evangelicals who want to control the party because he was a Mormon and now the Mormons gave the evangelicals their biggest and only significant victory in 2008? He was also a male bimbo who had no real ideas and no substance, but there was a lot of people who said they couldn’t vote for a Mormon. It just shows how shallow these people can be and when it’s politically convenient, they’ll join up with whoever has the money and the power to help push forward their agenda.
Does anyone remember on SNL where Mark McKinney played Steve Forbes and he bought a block of prime time programming just to do it because he was rich and he thought it would help his campaign? Or was it supposed to be Bill Gates? Remember when SNL covered politics that took its source material from other publications besides USA Today? Anyway, that seemed like an outlandish and silly scenario at the time. Now our candidates spending millions of dollars on this shit seems fine to us. Yep, we’ve really evolved.
7:02 - Hey this first woman is from my city! Oh god, why the fuck do I live here?
7:04 - A clip from Obama’s DNC speech - I remember that! God, that feels like 3 years ago now. So far this seems like a very stretched out campaign commercial. I guess that’s what it is. Boy, am I a dummy or what?
7:06 - Do you think Obama is actually being interviewed in these talking head segments or do you think he’s just talking to a naked picture of himself? That’s who I talk to every morning.
7:07 - Oh god, I’m so sick of hearing about Midwestern common sense from people like Kathleen Sebelius. I’ve lived in the Midwest for 27 years and I’ve yet to see it.
7:10 - He wants our fuel efficient cars built here? But I want mine to work and last beyond two years. Oh - he just said we need to change our policy in Iraq. Well, at least he brought that up. Now he just said what a waste of money it’s been. OK, my Obama boner is starting to rear its ugly head.
7:13 - This reality show stylization has really permeated our culture - I keep expecting Obama to build some family a house. Lord knows the media coverage has been on that kind of level.
7:16 - Is it wrong that I’m a little bit of a sucker for stories about Barack’s family and his childhood? His mom seems like a very fascinating and cool person. OK, now I want to kick my own ass.
7:18 - Is it me or is he just as vague about what he’s going to do on various issues as he has been the whole campaign? This has never bothered me about him too much, but I can see it wearing on me after a year or two.
7:19 - That being said, I like his specific criticisms of our health care system and how completely fucked our insurance overlords are.
7:21 - Do these “real American” profiles actually work on anyone? I kind of assume these are all character actors. I think I just spotted Paul Giamatti playing this Ohio dude.
7:24 - Has he brought up the environment yet? It’s very possible I missed it, this interweb thing is very distracting.
7:26: “I will not always be a perfect president. I will always tell you what I think and where I stand.” Our standards have been lowered so far, that you just have to be able to think and complete your sentences to be taken seriously as a candidate in this country.
7:27 - Now a live feed into his speech in Florida! This is a great opportunity for me, I haven’t heard a lot of stump speeches in real time lately!
Well, if you learned or gained anything new from that then I’m very jealous of the coma you’ve been in for the last two years because you haven’t had to listen to all this political shit ad nauseum. I’m with the new guy on the Daily Show - why isn’t this over yet? (And it’s about time someone made fun of all that “Yes We Can” bullshit!)
P.S. After running across this story, I just realized Barack never mentioned John McCain or the republicans during his show, which was nice to not hear the same attacks we’ve heard every day. So kudos for that I guess.
