Matt Payton's Tumble-o-rama

Live Blogging The 2013 State of the Union Address by Matt Payton

What will be said tonight? Who will win? Who will lose? Will the president gain some momentum for his domestic policy at home? Will the Republicans capitalize on any misstep and parlay that into persuading toward their message? And what will the prospects for the race in 2016 look like after tonight? Will some new contenders emerge? I guess we’ll all have to tune into all the coverage to find out! Please have me murdered immediately.

If you’re playing a drinking game at home, take a sip every time gun control and education are addressed by saying we need to come together and put forward reasonable solutions to these problems. That way you won’t wake up from your black out until President Jenna Bush makes room in the Oval Office for her dad’s paintings.

8:04 - As always I have C-SPAN on to get the raw feed and so I don’t have to hear Chuck Todd’s take on what the first lady is communicating with her breathing patterns.

8:07 - Still nothin’. The vibe in the room kind of reminds me of Sunday morning at church before the service has started. God will get way more shout outs during this.

8:10 - Here he is. Is it really presidential of him to walk in eating a Taco Bell cheesy Gordita crunch?

8:13 - Eric Cantor is shaking hands with the ferocity and passion that Marcus Bachmann brings when he is checking his wife’s breasts for smoothness.

8:16 - Starting off with a JFK quote, this guy really wants to get laid before Valentine’s Day.

8:18 - Fox News writers are furiously working on typing up talking points about how long this fuckin’ guy took to say that the state of the union is strong. Like one of those movies who will have a whole bunch of scenes for 15 minutes at the beginning before the title appears.

8:20 - Notice how every speech President Obama gives he always has to have part of it dedicated to explaining to the mouth breathers that yes, government isn’t literally going to wipe your ass for you. No wonder he’s so gray.

8:23 - The camera just showed Michelle Bachmann dumbfounded at the gall of the President to say that her party might not have the best ideas in the world when it comes to economic matters. In her defense, she still thinks Obama is the guy who used to work at the Arby’s by her house.

8:25 - Paul Ryan really liked the “don’t fuck with Social Security for people who are old now” thing. Dude is really into the art of surprise.

8:28 - “Let’s put party interest aside”? Then what will the news networks talk about? Substance? Historical context? Steve Doocy’s problem with dressing up like his mom when he stabs women in the shower?

8:30 - You would think everyone would be behind the smart government not bigger government sentiment but I suppose petulant children aren’t always the most keen to admit someone on the other side could have a point. They’re like rappers who have to act tough.

8:36 - We need to encourage the natural gas boom? Are we talking about the rush to use natural gas as an alternative energy source to coal or the boom that happens in the kitchen every time Herb goes in to wash his hands?

8:42 - You may want to take note that half the room was not into the idea of preschool for poor kids. They are considering letting them have their own rusty spoons to eat gruel with however.

8:48 - All of this reasonable substance sure is making it hard to point out…hey, there’s Joe Biden who I assume is tripping balls right now.

8:51 - 9 dollars an hour hooray! Goodbye double cheeseburgers and hello quarter pounders!

8:55 - “The war in Afghanistan will be over”…if you’re an American. If you’re in the path of a drone, well not so much.

8:59 - When does the monorail guy come into the room and talk everyone into his idea?

9:03 - Now when you say we’ll stand with Israel do you really mean it? Could you get down on your knees and show us how you’ll cup their balls just so we can be sure?

9:07 - First suggestion to improve the voting experience in America: maybe have it resemble a little less like the garage sale we held at our house in 1989.

9:09 - Um, does anyone have their eye on Ted Nugent during this part? Was he required to check his crossbow-shaped knapsack at the door?

9:11 - Who is chanting? And what are they chanting? What did that woman just scream? This is not a cock fight, people. Although I do think they could use a guy walking around hawking nachos because if Carl Levin’s blood sugar drops he will start eating Debbie Stabenow’s hair.

9:16 - I will say the gun stuff/ending was quite eloquent but people will bitch that there were no specifics and maybe rightfully so. I don’t know if that would’ve been helpful in this setting or not but there are a lot of people getting paid a lot of money to pretend that they know on TV right now.

And now church is out and everyone is figuring out where they’re going to go for friend chicken or Chinese food. If they’re like the people at my church they’ll just go to wherever my family isn’t to avoid the smell. May God bless America and may God damn Chile (they know what they did).

Click here for past past examples of this nonsense. 

Live Blogging the 3rd 2012 Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

Brace yourselves, this is the last one of these things so if you need to get your fix of bloviating, half truths, macho posturing and pandering-a-plenty then…go to any cable news channel for the next, let’s say 20 years at least and you’ll be just fine. Obama needs to get his message across while keeping his secret plans to sell the country to India quiet while Romney needs to focus on specific policy platforms and trying to avoid listening to Public Enemy on his iPod when he’s not talking to psyche himself up.

8:04 - They’re sitting down this time so does that mean it will be a little more or less obvious when they need to adjust their cock?

8:04 - Romney opened with a…joke? Is that what you call that? That had the charm of that time your dad attempted to rap.

8:06 - “We can’t kill our way out of this mess”? I thought that was the GOP masthead for the last 10 years.

8:09 - I just caught Obama glancing at Romney with a look on his face that said, “You know, even if I fuck this up tonight at least I never have to spend an evening with this fuckin’ guy again.”

8:10 - Oh shit, Obama just made a David Spade style joke about the ’80s. Romney is going to respond with a Colin Quinn joke.

8:14 - Make mom and dad stop yelling! We can go back to Iraq, just promise they won’t do this with the windows open anymore!

8:19 - Does anyone else appreciate that the only region brought up when talking about foreign policy is the Middle East?

8:21 - “Steady, thoughtful leadership”? This is America, Mr. President. Unless you’re blowing shit up while a chick with fake tits runs for no discernible reason we’re going to lose attention pretty qui…hey, look at that shiny thing over there!

8:25 - We’re organizing entrepreneur leadership conferences in Egypt? Well, I guess that’s nice. Not really a bragging point, but something nonetheless. Next time just say, “We bought a bunch of copies of the ‘King Tut” single and sent those over there.”

8:29 - Do people really vote for peace? Have you seen any of the TV shows we enjoy watching? What am I saying? The last time Mitt Romney checked in on what the commoners watch, he saw The Beverly Hillbillies and said he’ll stick with his Milton Friedman Def Poetry Jam, thank you very much.

8:33 - So are we going to get our cheap, disposable crap from Latin America now instead of China? I guess I’m okay with that.

8:36 - Let us recognize President Obama’s balls at this point. When asked to respond to a foreign policy issue, he just says, “Yeah that’s nice, but let me bring up education so I can brag about my accomplishments within that area because it hasn’t come up yet and I’m not letting this material go to waste.”

8:39 - We’re going to cut spending across the board except for the military in the same way we’re going to stop eating so much by cutting down on our rice cake purchases.

8:41 - I didn’t know that Barack Obama was such a skilled demolition man because he seemed so relaxed as he was ripping Mitt Romney a new asshole on his proposed balanced budget plan.

8:43 - Can we just have a show where Obama explains the modern world to Romney? “The pony express doesn’t come any more because you can send people messages on one of those little TVs with keyboards that your interns are always using.”

8:48 - Here is what I imagine to be Mitt Romney’s dirty talk: “OK, it’s time to have sex now if you’re interested. First, what I’m going to do is begin kissing you and fondle your breasts accordingly. Second, I’ll remove my trousers carefully to maintain the crease and then focus all of my attention to your bikini area. Lastly, you would lie down and look up at the Heavenly Father while I thrust forcefully into your birth canal until I reach the climax that humans seem to always be pursuing. Now let us begin.”

8:54 - So, showing strength = no one in the world ever putting any effort into harming the U.S. I guess every other president and citizen of this country is just a weak ass, apologizin’ pansy.

9:03 - I hate to point this out, but if George W. Bush would’ve told that anecdote about the little girl at Ground Zero we all would’ve coughed to ourselves, “Bullshit!”

9:11 - We certainly do know President Obama’s stance on drones. Now this is an odd choice, but next the corpse of a little boy from a village in Pakistan who was bombed while outside playing is going to be asked his stance.

9:19 - “Noooooo! Not a currency manipulator label!” - China.

9:25 - Romney says, “I’m still speaking” the same way your friend’s dad used to when you asked if someone would pass the rolls at his dinner table in the middle of his story about he had a funny back-and-forth with the dry cleaner that morning.

9:28 - The last four years has been hard job wise although I don’t recall them falling off trees and landing in our laps before that.

9:33 - Mitt Romney will work with good Democrats and Republicans so we got a Halloween message after all: he’ll be working with ghosts. Boom!

9:34 - I imagine the Romney family sitting around on Sunday afternoons telling each other stories about what they saw what kind of food people buy in gas stations and ask, “Can you believe that? Someone actually dried pieces of meat!”

Let us celebrate debate season coming to a close! Take down your at-home podiums and you can stop making that weird thumb thing with your hands to make points. You may now resume having actual human conversations that involve talking and listening simultaneously. We’ll meet back here in four years for what will be called the most important election of our lifetime and which will poll really close as Election Day draws near. I look forward to having to show a homemade documentary about my family tree to be able to vote by then. Now let’s get our vote on and only remember this time when we’re under the influence of bath salts.

Live Blogging the 2nd 2012 Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

Does everyone have their smelling salts ready? Not for the president but for yourself when you begin hallucinating that the eagle on the wall is eating all of the hair out of your nose after these two use their answers as an excuse to go into their stump speech for the 14th time in 20 minutes. The media people seem to think a lot is hanging on this event, but of course they have no other motive to make us believe that. Let the short answers begin!

8:03 - Jeremy just read the card all fine and good and now he will be allowed to sleep in a room without rubber walls tonight. Good for him.

8:03 - Are we going to thank the people who ask the questions by name every time? Just say, “Thanks, kid whose dad works out in the same gym as Wolf Blitzer!”

8:04 - Mitt Romney wants to keep the Pell grant program going? For fuck’s sake, we’re starting this already? Watch it, by the 45 minute mark he’ll be saying how he’s always been against Pell grants.

8:07 - Is it me or has the Obama campaign really lightened up on the rich vs. the rest of us theme they were hammering home a couple months back? Wasn’t that working? I guess it’s October and the Democrats realized the leaves won’t change unless they start getting in their own way.

8:09 - Romney is back to playing his alpha male, look-at-me-I’m-tough persona. I’m worried he’s going to get too into it and jump on top of some dude and cut his hair.

8:10 - “Governor Romney doesn’t have a 5-point plan, he has a 1-point plan.” I see a certain president showed up for his zinger symposium yesterday.

8:14 - This administration isn’t friendly to oil drilling? That’s funny, my oil-soaked pet pelican from New Orleans was just telling me the other day that it tried to read Exxon Mobile’s balance sheet but passed out after the first 7 zeroes.

8:18 - Oh shit, they’re about to tie their wrists together and get out their blades. Where is Natalie Wood?

8:20 - “You’ll get your chance in a moment. I’m still speaking.” Do they really have to put on this front while they’re talking? Can’t we bring back the passive aggression from Paul Ryan and Joe Biden? Sorry, I’m a Midwesterner. 

8:22 - Does anyone understand the rules that apply to these answers? Just fucking let them talk and explain themselves and when it loses steam, move the hell on. I don’t understand why it must be so complicated.

8:25 - If Mitt Romney is elected president, we won’t let him talk to people very much, will we? I’m not sure if it would be more painful for Romney himself or the people he would try and relate to, but it’s a plan somebody should probably start devising now.

8:29 - President Obama explaining the difference between his and Mitt Romney’s philosophy on taxes here should be his next political ad. Concise, clear and not at all an attack. But they’ll probably try and do something cute again like Big Bird or whatever this week’s bullshit issue will be.

8:31 - Mitt Romney really does not like and/or understand payroll tax people, does he? How soon would he light his hair on fire if he saw one of his paychecks subjected to the taxes that you and I pay?

8:34 - If this were a rap battle, Obama’s posse would’ve just started shouting, “Awwww!” and spinning towels over their head. And Romney’s posse would reach for a lock on their car door that wasn’t there.

8:37 - Oh shit, we’ve found a topic that the two of you are passionate about and have specific plans for. Time to move on! Great job you’re doing here, Candy!

8:37 - Great question about equal pay for women. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard that question asked during one of these things during the last decade. What’s awkward is that this is the way Romney found out that women have jobs.

8:40 - “I hired people with vaginas who worked for me, what more do you want? And it was great for us because we saved money by paying them less than the dudes in our cabinet which again reinforces my stellar business acumen.”

8:43 - Damn, Obama is bringing up his common sense contraceptive plan. This will be amusing when Romney responds by saying, “Ummm, I too….I also…don’t have a problem with, uh….diaphragms.”

8:45 - Does anyone know that that thing the woman in the glasses just brought up? Something about a bush? I don’t know, I haven’t heard that brought up in so long when Mitt Romney is around I’m not sure who she’s talking about. Is it that old man who raised money for Planned Parenthood?

8:50 - Obama is now calling Romney more to the right of George Bush. Throw in a mic drop and lighting a cigarette afterward and half of MSNBC will drown in a pool of their own semen tonight.

8:58 - There’s nothing more smooth than a rich, older white guy asking an immigrant if they pronounced their name right. It’s like when you ask if the gratuity is included at a restaurant - never awkward at all!

9:05 - Here’s a tip: maybe don’t bring up how bad the sting of losing affected you last time. It’s like bringing up how bad your ex-girlfriend hurt you while your unfastening a new girl’s bra.

9:11 - “Yeah, Libya’s a little hairy but hey, Bin Laden is dead, right? And we’re not in Iraq anymore. So that’s something. Did I mention how slim those pants make you look?”

9:15 - Romney just got lectured by Obama. He’s now going to rub Romney’s face in the screen door and smack him on the snout with a rolled up newspaper.

9:17 - What the what? Someone brought up gun control!? Did I just go through a time warp? Is this 1992? Wasn’t that the last time guns were allowed to be talked about by politicians? If only there were a guy on stage who had a different view about guns other than them being awesome.

9:21 - You want your kids to get shot less? Throw together a weddin’ real fast before that fucker pops out and the economy that has left them will suddenly appear! Damn, this is easy!

9:23 - If the next question is about the futility of the drug war I will shit a brick. Mostly because of the entertainment value of hearing Mitt Romney’s pronunciation of cocaine for the first time.

9:26 - A question about outsourcing and Mitt Romney is up first. He just swore for the first time in his life inside his head. “Oh fiddlesticks!”

9:32 - “There’s some jobs that aren’t going to come back.” You can find them along with your inflated home values and pensions…on a shipwrecked island.

9:35 - If Romney is so enamored of the private sector and so disgusted with government work, then why has he spent millions of dollars and the last 6 years trying to get a government job?

9:38 - Nevermind, MSNBC has now perished from auto erotic asphyxiation after Obama brought up that 47% remark. I guess they’ll have to use basset hounds to anchor whatever the hell they put on after prime time.

That was an interesting turn of events. There was certainly more of an entertainment value although maybe with slightly less policy content and details. We should have a new narrative tomorrow that will carry us through the weekend until Biden farts at a rally or Paul Ryan’s World of Warcraft character is revealed. Romney’s programmers have a long night ahead of them while Obama has two weeks worth of no sex to make up for. Only three more weeks until we get a two week break before the 2016 campaign starts up!

Live Blogging the 2012 Vice Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

Alright, it’s almost 8:00 and I have my popcorn ready. Now it’s just time to turn the ol’ teevee on and hey wait a minute, why isn’t Caroline In The City on? Isn’t this the normal time for it? It’s Must See TV night, right? Why do I see the back of a blonde woman’s head in front of two empty chairs like it’s the room where you go to get laid off at? Oh, it’s some sort of presidential race thing. Well, I might as well flip over to C-SPAN and watch the makeup artist touch up the blonde lady’s face and see what kind of spittle comes out of two white men for a little while, at least until The Single Guy comes on later.

8:01 - On C-SPAN you get to hear all of the nothingness that happens pre-debate and I gotta say it’s…not really that enlightening. Might as well get used to that.

8:03 - Whoa, Martha Raddatz comes out guns blazin’ with a question about the handling of the Libyan embassy attack. Fair enough. Biden is already answering with slogans while Paul Ryan smirks like a little 12-year-old who just saw a boob.

8:07 - Biden thinks Ryan’s answer is hilarious or more than likely he’s got Porky’s playing on his phone which is in his lap.

8:08 - “With all due respect, that is a bunch of malarkey.” If you listen hard enough, you can hear the simultaneous orgasms of 400 MSNBC employees right now.

8:11 - Who the fuck is arguing that we ought to apologize for living our values? What does that even mean? I mean, I apologize for my existence on a daily basis but that’s only to loved ones and cashiers and only rarely the people of the Middle East.

8:16 - This reminds me, I need to update my “things I worry about” list to include Iran getting uranium. I think I’ll place it right behind “too many baby have curly hair nowadays” and right in front of “my iron doesn’t seem to have the same amount of oomph that it did back in 2003, should I updated that bastard?”

8:19 - They just had a funny, human moment when Ryan explained what Biden’s substitute for a curse word was. I want to see these guys bond over the carcass of a wild boar, taking swigs of whiskey from a flask and then killing each other over a lady.

8:21 - Yes Mr. Ryan, Iran’s desire of a nuclear weapon is entirely dependent on our opinion and permissiveness of that happening. When they turn on the TV and see us talking tough, they through the bomb in the trash and put on a prom dress. Problem solved!

8:24 - There it is - the 47% remark has officially been commented on. Every column writer just had half of tomorrow’s piece written. Now Paul Ryan just needs to bring up the run he took this morning while listening to The Battle of Los Angeles and they’ll be in bed by 10:30 tonight.

8:26 - Romney and Ryan have a five point plan? This is the first I’ve heard of it. I think we’ve heard more specifics in the first half hour of this thing than we’ve heard from Romney since he was making fun of community organizing back at the 2008 RNC.

8:28 - A zinger! Ryan just got the same satisfied look on his face during the laughter that Seth Meyers gets when he tells you a joke that you heard from a high school freshman on his lame blog earlier in the week.

8:31 - “They came in with one party control” - this is actually a good point made by Ryan. For my whole adult life I’ve been listening to the Democrats give excuses as to why they don’t accomplish anything - they need to get rid of George Bush, they need to regain the majority in the House and Senate, they need to get Obama in office, they need a filibuster-proof Senate. It’s like waiting for a crackhead to hold down a job.

8:38 - Do Vice Presidential debates really matter all that much? Do undecided voters watch this and make a decision based on what these guys say? Or at least watch this, think about their fascination with fire, work on basic motor skills and then make up their minds about who’s running for country Dad?

8:43 - Sorry Joe, I don’t know if this whole looking at the camera strategy and just telling people that you’re right because they know it feels right is a good strategy. Sure, it probably gets you laid but here you just come off like a smug asshole.

8:47 - Now you’re on to something - rich people don’t need anymore help. I would stick with that. Plus, it has the added bonus of giving Romney a shooting pain in his crotch anytime a rich man is criticized.

8:49 - This has happened in both debates now: the Republican candidates espouse the value of both parties working together like Reagan did back in the day. Now my memory might be a little fuzzy, but wasn’t y’all the ones who filibustered virtually everything over the last three years that didn’t involve giving the defense industry a reach-around?

8:53 - Millionaries don’t need the tax cut. I’ll raise a toast to Biden if he rips off his shirt and tie to reveal that sentence on a tomato sauce and puss stained t-shirt.

8:56 - Paul Ryan is one thirsty motherfucker. I haven’t seen Biden take one drink yet, meanwhile his opponent is drier than a lady running her fingers through his Eddie Munster hair.

8:57 - “We agree with their 2014 draw down”? You might want to tell your running mate there, Mr. Ryan. Oh it’s not that much of a chore. Just unplug him and put the dust cover back on when you’re done. Yes, he is compatible with a Zune, why?

9:00 - What exactly is the main objective of the Afghanistan war by the way?

9:02 - So Paul Ryan agrees with the Afghanistan timeline but not broadcasting it to our enemies. So every mention of the timeline from here on out will be legally required to end with a “Shhh!”

9:06 - “The calendar works the same every year.” Right, everybody? Ha…because it’s set…and uh…well it’s Gregorian and….um…uh…I’m Rick James, bitch? Damn, these zingers aren’t all winners I guess.

9:11 - How did Ryan get another glass full of water? Does he have multiple glasses under there? If so, isn’t his water warm by now? Or is someone underneath the table pouring? Or is the ice melting that their aides are applying to their testicles?

9:14 - We have two Catholics on the same stage - who gives a flying fuck? Why are we talking about this. Europe just turned the TV off and decided against visiting here for another 5 years.

9:16 - Yes Paul Ryan, making birth control accessible to all is making all those abortions you don’t like (which is a pretty unique stance, most people really dig abortions like The Beach Boys circa 1965) happen more often. You do realize that the more birth control people have, the less abortion there is, right?

9:19 - The Catholic church keeps suing the Obama administration because that’s how they communicate with people now. They’re so used to being in court (I can’t remember what for now) they think the only normal way to have a conversation is on the witness stand.

9:24 - That was quite the move, using a question about negative campaign ads to scare people about cuts to the military budget. Do those large balls ever get any slime on them or do you have some sort of pouch or something?

9:27 - Whoever wrote the question about what you will as a man should be fired and sent to their room to think about what they’ve done.

9:29 - I’ll tell you this: Paul Ryan is going to have one hell of a piss here in about 5 minutes. He’ll be able to get through a whole New York Times during it.

9:30 - I just found out that Caroline In The City has been cancelled for quite some time. Goddamn you, Obamacare!

9:31 - “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a job creator in office?” How many hair dye manufacturers are there anyway?

It’s over and no blood was spilled except for the part when the wart on Joe Biden’s ass burst because he was smiling so hard. People on TV and the internet are now going to start talking about body language, tone of voice, body mass index, underwear choice etc. and try and make it mean something. I haven’t read or seen anything yet, but I’ll go ahead and predict that people will say that Paul Ryan did better. Whatever the hell that means. Now let us all go back to ignoring Biden for the next four years.

Live Blogging The 1st 2012 Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

Jim Lehrer and podiums: a combination up there with peanut butter & chocolate, Tracy & Hepburn and vagueness & rehearsal. Just a warning before we begin here that if this choreographed dance somehow sways you were going to vote for, be sure to pass on the other side of the street if you see me coming your direction. Lehrer just told the crowd not to make any noise like they’re at a high school graduation so let’s get quiet and get started.  

8:04 - It’s Obama’s anniversary? Do you think GM’s balance sheet was discussed more on that night 20 years ago than tonight? For some reason I do. 

8:07 - I see Mitt Romney has really taken the lesson of “make sure you look right at the camera and talk like you’re talking to one special person, or in your case one special PowerPoint box” to heart. 

8:09 - Both of them agree that the corporate tax rate is too high. Gotta love all the freedom of choice we have in this country - fuck you Zimbabwe!

8:11 - Romney wants to offer tax relief to the middle class - you know, those people whose taxes have only been lowered over the last four years. 

8:13 - What’s the drinking game associated with Mitt’s zingers? Do you have something caffeinated every time he uses the word “humdinger”? 

8:17 - “My tax plan won’t add to the deficit because I said it wouldn’t.” Check and mate! Can I use that tactic in my next job interview? “I will show up every day wearing pants and not smelling of honey glazed ham because I said that I won’t.”

8:19 - How great would it be if Obama brought up the fact the top tax rate in the 60s was 91%? And by great I mean enjoyable in the moment and then when Fox News makes a 6-day miniseries out of it, dreadful. 

8:21 - Who the fuck cares if they’re not on the pre-planned schedule!? Let them talk about something for a while and let the conversation go wherever based on its own momentum. Why are these people always so obsessed with sticking to their outline? So we can get 3 minute answers to everything? Would it really be the end of the world if we let these guys have an actual discussion? 

8:24 - Obama is really hitting the “the Clinton years were good for business” note hard. I remember those years being good for big business for sure, but maybe you should talk to some of the others. Romney was still lighting poor people on fire with $50s back then. 

8:26 - A baby boomer is lecturing us about one generation getting the next one into a hole. Yikes. And apparently he likes Big Bird but will cut back on funding PBS. Phew! There’s 0.3% of the budget we no longer have to worry about!

8:30 - The subtitle for tonight’s performance is “The Emasculation of Jim Lehrer.”

8:32 - The gloves are off for debt/deficit talk. This time it’s personal. I want to see these guys go out to dinner after this and argue about the tip. 

8:34 - An American president is calling out oil companies for receiving corporate welfare in a debate. Well, it’s not flying cars, but it’s a pretty good thing to say you saw in your lifetime. 

8:39 - Romney is as happy as a pig in shit when talking numbers. He looks forward to New Year’s Eve just for the calendar change. 

8:43 - Sorry, I’m actually getting distracted by the content of what these men are saying. I’m not quite sure how to process this. It’s like finding deep philosophical underpinnings in a Kevin James film. 

8:46 - Obama says that insurers are pretty clever when it comes to screwing their customers out of money. The same insurers that got a front seat at the table of health care negotiations. It’s like Bob Hope going on the radio and saying, “That Bing Crosby is a giant gaping asshole!”

8:52 - Did Mitt Romney just say you have to have some kind of regulation? Easy there, Chairman Mao. Do you really want Sean Hannity calling you tonight at midnight asking, “So what did you mean by that exactly?”

8:55 - Want to play a Mormon church approved drinking game? Take a sip of hooch every time Afghanistan and Iraq are mentioned. Your head will be as clear tomorrow as the desert sky. 

8:58 - Romney wants to know how Obama could implement a job killing health care law on a national level as opposed to the state level where he implemented that very same health care law. Is he that dad who inadvertently taught his kid how to smoke pot? 

8:59 - Is it me or does Obama seem slightly on the ropes answering to the claims that his health care plan is a government takeover? I get the sense he’d rather be doing something else. Most likely that fine woman of his and…sorry.

9:06 - Hey when does the debate happen where they get to walk around? Remember that one four years ago? This year they should make it interesting and up the ante with a three legged race type situation. 

9:14 - I just realized that we’re still making our candidates wear flag lapel pins. This could be in the top 5 worst things 9/11 brought about along “Freedom” by Paul McCartney. 

9:17 - Is the Republican candidate using “trickle down” as a pejorative? Look for him later to explain how “The Gipper” means “The Retarded One.”

9:22 - Boom! He got the chance to use one of his zingers! Obama is entitled to his own plane and house but not his own facts. The guy who wrote that just had the greatest moment of his life and now will go back to the sweatpants in his studio. In 6 months he’ll be working at Kinko’s and get really into the band Ween.

9:25 - Romney met with democrats every Monday when he was governor. There was one time when he even touched one of them when they were both going for the same ginger snap. 

9:26 - Whoa, Iraq and Afghanistan was just mentioned. Now I’m going to have to drink some paint thinner, a la Freddie Quell. 

9:28 - Closing remark time. Romney is going to close all over Obama’s face and Obama is going to close by revealing he’s been closed the whole time and if you go back and look you’ll see all the clues. 

9:29 - Does it seem like Obama just started preparing for this thing after lunch today when he realized he could either do that or hold the mirror for David Axelrod while he trims his mustache? 

It’s over and Romney and Obama are pretending to be interested in each other’s families now. Who was this a victory for? Definitely not Jim Lehrer or people who dislike the same statements being made to them with words in a different order. Gray hair enthusiasts had their Christmas so let’s not spoil it for them and just go ahead and leave out some golf magazines for the reindeer. A merry debate to all and to all a good night. 

Not-So-Live Blogging The 2012 Democratic National Convention, Night 3 by Matt Payton

Sorry I’m late, but I was standing out on the street for the last three hours randomly clapping and holding up signs at any random passerby who would acknowledge me. Imagine the look of confusion on their face when they saw me decked out in Al Smith garb. Well, it’s the third installment and as we all know, that’s always the weakest part of any trilogy and by no coincidence this is John Kerry’s night to speak…to people. They’re actually letting that guy speak to people. Without it being a condition of a ransom or some sort of lost bet. This will all be over soon and we can pretend this didn’t happen. Kind of like the Republicans and 2001-2008. 

10:49 - Gabrielle Giffords is coming out to lead the pledge of allegiance and the crowd is going nuts. Wouldn’t it be great if she just stopped in the middle of the pledge and lectured the democrats to get some fucking balls and actually talk about gun control? 

10:51 - The crowd keeps chanting something after she left but I have no clue what it was. I think it was their barbecue order. They’d like the pork sandwich, please. 

10:54 - Caroline Kennedy is back this year after being a big deal that she spoke in 2008. C-SPAN’s camera keeps cutting away from her to show Jesse Jackson walking down the stairs to his seat with a conviction of a prize fighter. Is he about to bum rush the stage or something? I’m very confused. 

10:59 - Is it time for Obama to speak yet? How about he just speaks now and the rest of the time they just show old Little Rascal shorts?

11:00 - I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a convention with so many speeches so similar to each other. I feel like I’m in Groundhog Day without a toaster and a bathtub. 

11:03 - Xavier Becerra is speaking or as the delegates call it: the bathroom break. 

11:04 - Jennifer Granholm is from the great state of Michigan? I wonder what country she’s from because our Michigan sucks ass. 

11:07 - Granholm is pandering at a level so high that it would make Katy Perry say, “Jesus Christ, Jen.”

11:10 - Her capillaries are about to burst out of her face. This is the most pep rally-esque I’ve seen this thing get so far and naturally I’m turned off and the crowd is elated. Can someone point me to a corner where I can smoke and make sarcastic comments with some burnouts? 

11:11 - Eva Longoria? Why? I thought it was the Republican’s thing to tout the vapid celebrities who support them and get elected by them. 

11:15 - “The Eva Longoria who worked at Wendy’s flipping burgers needed a tax cut. The Eva Longoria who works on movie sets does not.” - Eva Longoria. Good, nothing says down to earth like a celebrity who refers to herself in the third person. 

11:16 - “Let’s fight for the American dream.” Alright I’m ready. Which side do I fight on again? 

11:17 - Brian Schweitzer is back. I remember him being one of my favorites from the 2008 convention. But like many things you liked in your 20s perhaps this will be regrettable. 

11:20 - Mitt Romney quadrupled the fee for gun licenses in Massachusetts? That sounds like one of his more redeemable traits, no? 

11:24 - Schweitzer is insinuating that Bin Laden is in hell right now. These are educated adults we’ve elected to make complex decisions about our future. Looking forward to his theories on the tooth fairy as a web exclusive later. 

11:26 - Whoa, a Republican is here and is arguing that Reagan would be too left for today’s Republican party. Wonder if he’ll mention that he’d be too left for today’s Democrats too. 

11:31 - Crist is so orange that I think we may all owe John Boehner an apology. Of course then he’d start crying. 

11:33 - They’re showing a clip from the ‘84 convention. Good call, use the greatest hits from the election that you only won one state in. Why not break out some of the cuts from ‘72 while you’re at it? 

11:35 - What in the sam hell happened to John Kerry’s face? It makes Courtney Cox’s look human. 

11:38 - John Kerry’s voice is like an aphrodisiac for my eyelids. They just want to lower their defenses and snuggle together. 

11:39 - “Ask Osama Bin Laden if he is better off now than he was four years ago.” OK, that line was pretty badass. Simplistic and a little shallow, but you could hear Clint Eastwood saying back when he was still using a toilet. 

11:42 - Let me get this straight: John Kerry, the guy who was in those debates in 2004, is criticizing Mitt Romney for taking too many positions on the war? Is Howard Dean going to come out next and criticize Chris Christie for being too excitable? 

11:47 - Tom Hanks is narrating a film about veterans and what’s odd is the DNC didn’t even ask him to. They just were in the editing bay with footage of veterans and they turned around and he was reading passages about how flags hang from porches on Veteran’s Day. They said it was a little creepy. 

11:58 - This is the serious veteran part of the evening and there’s not much to add. I’m curious because I didn’t get to see it, but did the Republicans do something similar? 

12:05 - Some college student is introducing Jill Biden which you would think would hopefully buy her an “A” this semester but those incorrect margins are just unforgivable honey. Sorry. 

12:08 - What subject does Jill Biden teach? I’m guessing science because she probably had to help him come up with a strong compound to hold those hair plugs in place. Cue bicycle horn. 

12:12 - She kept that short and sweet and I’ve never seen a look of relief that she had when she was coming off stage. Now it’s nothing but pina coladas and Country Home magazine back issues for the rest of the night…ahhh. 

12:14 - Yeah, I’m sure his parents told him he could president or vice president. No one’s parents tells a kid they can be vice president because no one has ever wanted that job before they’re asked to be it. Ebenezer Scrooge wouldn’t have told Tiny Tim he could be vice president because it would’ve been too mean for him. 

12:20 - Biden enters to Jackie Wilson and the crowd gives him the polite enthusiasm contractually required for the vice president. Good Lord am I tired. Still on Scotland time a bit I think. 

12:23 - Biden accepted the nomination for VP. Looks like I owe my neighbor Gary $20. Now I’m going to have to see that smug little look on his face while he walks around in nothing but that damn skimpy apron. He’s a weird dude. 

12:26 - Gather ‘round the fireplace, kids. Ol’ Joe is about to spin a yarn. This is from the chapter of the global financial collapse! It will be as heartwarming as last night’s tale from the Dust Bowl. 

12:29 - Biden is speaking like he’s having an actual conversation with a person instead of giving a motivational speech to a big crowd and it’s quite refreshing. None of the big names have spoke like this so far. Wait a minute, he’s going back into rally mode. Maybe that was just the quiet part of the song like the verse in a Pixies tune. 

12:36 - Joe’s dad sold cars? That makes perfect sense to me. I wonder if he got his drug war startin’ genes from his mother. 

12:37 - He just stopped someone from booing Mitt Romney. I have to admit, that was classy. Of course when he pulls out his handkerchief to wipe his forehead off in a few seconds and it will have meatball and lipstick stains all over it things will balance out. 

12:41 - And now the “Bin Laden is dead” portion of the speech. When do they unveil his head on a stick to pass around? 

12:43 - As someone who was the most emotionally invested in the 2004 election thus far anyway, it’s very jarring to see the Democrats calling the Republicans pussies when it comes to killing terrorists. It’s like lecturing your parents about the food they’re eating. 

12:49 - The guy who brought you the bankruptcy bill in 2005 (aka, the blow job to the credit card companies) is getting all high and mighty about jobs being sent overseas. But I guess he was certainly watching out for the jobs of those Delaware copmanies, so that’s something I guess!

12:54 - “We have no intention of downsizing the American Dream.” Well that would be pretty hard at this point. Like splitting the atom. 

12:56 - How do we have a future where our dependence on foreign oil has decreased but the auto industry is thriving? More cars means more driving and more gas and even more rustproofing. Damn you, Mr. Ted’s Crazy World of Wheels!

12:59 - Michelle Obama has been very emotional during this speech. Is it because she finally has had a chance to step back and reflect on the accomplishments of her husband or because she’s so relieved to see Biden sober? 

1:00 - Jill and Joe Biden have to hug each other out on stage in front of everyone because this is America. 

1:02 - Dick Durbin enters to a Prince song and now I want to rewind and see if Kerry came out to Rick Ross. 

1:03 - Yes, Dick everyone remembers Obama speaking at the convention in 2004 and his inauguration in 2009. We have YouTube, you don’t have to walk us down memory lane. 

1:05 - Just bring the motherfucker out, we don’t need to hear his resume for the 2543th time. We know he passed the health care bill and the Lilly Ledbetter law by now. Just to hear something different, will someone talk about the President’s golf game please?

1:07 - Another film? Just bring the man out and let him do his thing already. Wait, is that George Clooney narrating? Are they going to show Fantastic Mr. Fox next? Now I kind of want that to happen instead. 

1:15 - Michelle is back and half the crowd is disappointed her husband is speaking instead of her. 

1:16 - U2? Entering to U2? Would it kill you to put on some Meters?

1:18 - What happened to the little girls he had at the last convention? One of them is taller than me and looks just about as good in a dress. 

1:20 - “If you’re sick of hearing me say ‘I approve this message,’ believe me, so am I.” That’s a hell of a line and I imagine it’s true. If I heard my voice at the end of the type of ads that are making this country worse every 2 minutes I’d go a little gray too. 

1:22 - Wait, how are Sasha and Malia going to go to school tomorrow when they’re in Charlotte now? Do they fly right back to Washington immediately after this? Do they just sit in at a Charlotte school tomorrow? Or do they just wake up tomorrow, throw on a Mr. Rogers classic and call it a day? Where’s the hard hitting investigative journalism on this one James O’Keefe? 

1:25 - Invoking FDR when talking about fixing our financial situation. I’m sure Fox and the right wing blogs will take that reasonably tomorrow and not really pay much attention to it. I should also mention that I was just born about 4 hours ago. 

1:27 - “We (Americans) are making things again.” That’s right, thanks to our thirst for tech products we’ve created a whole suicide prevention industry in China!

1:30 - The incumbent president is actually calling out oil companies for taking corporate welfare? Hold on if I’m tripping balls I want to put on The Beatles’ Revolver. 

1:34 - It seems like I’ve heard this Obama speech many times before although it’s usually not 1:30AM and I’m not eating an ungodly amount of french toast. 

1:36 - I just spotted Don Cheadle sitting close to John Kerry and I’m now convinced that both of them are watching the stage and think they both should get the chance to play Obama in a movie. 

1:37 - “My opponent and his running mate are…new to foreign policy.” Zing! Can we talk about the Romney kids’ first names next please? 

1:40 - I’m so exhausted that I don’t think I’m getting everything out of this that I could be. Also, why does my TV show Obama wearing a pajama hat sleeping on a his hands in a bed made out of puppies? The researchers are right - being tired is worse than being drunk. 

1:52 - Obama needs these people to vote in November. Bah! He didn’t mention who they should vote for. What if they screw it up and vote for Pat Buchanan? 

OK, he’s done and the families are up on stage the confetti is about to fly which means I get to sleep now. Let’s meet back here in four years, shall we? Hopefully you can find your way back at that time since the country will be a socialist post-apocalyptic hellscape where demons will gnaw at your flesh unless you’re on a death panel or something. It’s been real. 

Live Blogging The 2012 Democratic National Convention, Night 2 by Matt Payton

I’m not sure if starting an hour earlier tonight is a good idea or if now I’ll only live to age 59 from what will seep into my psyche but what the hey? Tonight is supposed to be Bill Clinton’s big night but I have a feeling yet again the smart lady of the evening will be the one to steal the show. Instead of drinking every time that health care or Bin Laden is mentioned, I’ll be eating a piece of British chocolate mostly because I’m working on my late era Jim Morrison look. You can drink every time I mention lizards and expose my penis this evening. 

7:06 - They have a lady on stage actually praising Planned Parenthood? You’re democrats, aren’t you supposed to only support that organization when you’re whispering around scented candles in your safe room and then when the Republicans shit all over it you sheepishly duck out of the room? I thought I knew you, donkey!

7:10 - Oh that’s right, they like to talk about how tough they are on reproductive rights to each other meanwhile if you live in a lot of states, you have to plan a roadtrip like you’re following the Grateful Dead just because some dolt wanted to feel the real thing. At least that’s what it says in my baby book. 

7:14 - Women are staying with the president, who brought them to this dance. No word yet on if they’re going to let him awkwardly finger them afterward before they go home and eat some cereal while watching an old That ’70s Show rerun. 

7:16 - This is Ann Richards’ daughter? I’ll be damned. There’s a lot of love for her here in Charlotte much like in the same way they showed it for Julian Castro last night. Is that a southern thing? Here’s Steny Hoyer to defray some of that pesky enthusiasm. 

7:19 - We’re going to revitalize manufacturing in America according to Hoyer. Is he volunteering to let Asian slaves make every item in our house in Ohio because that might make them even more depressed. Oh wait, he’s from Maryland. Damn, doesn’t work with that. Curse you, Hoyer!

7:22 - Steny, Steny…ixnay on the obsjay reationcray. 

7:24 - Don’t you love it when the democrats call out republican candidates that voted for Iraq as if the majority of them didn’t grab their ankles at the same time and say, “Well surely Bush and Cheney can’t fuck it up too bad.”?

7:30 - Sorry, I had to dry some clothes. What did I miss? A Vietnam vet just got done speaking who seemed like the kind of character that isn’t allowed to speak at these things anymore because of having one of those crazy unique personalities. How do you think Harry Reid has lasted so long?

7:34 - I have nothing to say about Eric Shinseki, but he just spoke. Didn’t much care for his tie I guess. 

7:37 - John Hickenlooper might be the biggest nerd that I’ve seen on this stage so far this week. I’m just waiting for him to snort while he laughs at one of these jokes and then accidentally starts describing his World of Warcraft character attributes. 

7:42 - “As another skinny democrat with a funny last name…” - John Hickenlooper. Somewhere James K. Polk is wondering if he qualifies. 

7:45 - After listening to Sister Simone talk for a bit can we just have the women be the only ones to speak at this thing? There would be far less groans from me. 

7:48 - Notice how when they have speakers who aren’t politicians the audience actually connects with them and it’s almost like there’s real communication going on?

7:49 - Sister Simone was one of the least churchy speakers so far. She’s probably in the back now telling God to step his fuckin’ shit up if he wants to keep up with her ass. 

7:50 - “I am privileged to be the governor of Deleware” - Jack Markell. Why is it that the second before he said that a little red dot appeared right between his eyes?

7:54 - If I were placing Jack Markell on the charisma scale he would be in between Al Gore and Tom Vilsack. Why do I feel like Dennis Miller now?

7:57 - Seriously, was this guy a former vice principle at a junior high school? Can we send him to be one now?

7:59 - The Small Business Administration Administrator is at the podium, so I’ll bet you’re sorry now that you just took the Sunday Times into the bathroom, aren’t you? Oh well, your loss. Guess you’ll just have to overhear the juicy details about changes to the Short Term Disability Act from in there!

8:01 - MItt, I think we have found a woman robotic enough for you. Just be sure you and Karen Mills use plenty of oil, we don’t want the two of you to rust now do we?

8:02 - Another video is starting and this one is about…small business! Time for me to go get a drink that probably came from a company that would crush this guy’s business if they were aware that it existed. 

8:05 - Why is small business all about brewers all of the sudden? Are the adult baseball card collectors going to be heard from next?

8:07 - God this is boring. I remember it always being dull in the past, but this convention so far seems to be lacking all of the raw meat eating and foaming at the mouth that the crowd seemed to have had in years past. Is it because the delegates can’t afford the trashy liquor this year?

8:09 - What is this “middle class”  the lady speaks of? Is that what the kids read about in their history books when your parents saw you before 9:30 at night on a goddamn Wednesday?

8:13 - Another video? Oh this one’s about immigration. Lou Dobbs erection he had while watching Kamala Harris just deflated like a balloon you accidentally stabbed with your idea pencil. 

8:17 - I have never heard of Cristina Saralegui but I hope this doesn’t start some sort of precedent of talk show hosts speaking because I can’t handle seeing Jay Leno ride in on a motorcycle and asking the delegates how many people are in the Senate. 

8:20 - Gotta go get my clothes out of the dryer. Let me know what kind of desk piece this lady does. 

8:28 - I’m back and for some reason the CarMax guy is speaking because the democrats apparently need someone to speak for them who runs a place that you go to when you’ve run out of options and you figure you’ll just get something to last you 2 more months. 

8:33 - It’s time for car talk or what’s known as no one mentioning anything about public transportation and it’s desperate need for revitalization. Oh well, at least cars now are getting 32mpg instead 29!

8:37 - Saving the auto industry wasn’t popular and easy? Yeah, I’m sure Americans would’ve just been fine with their SUVs disappearing like their waist size being in the 30s. 

8:40 - Are we sure that Bob King isn’t Bill Hader? I guess not because I’ve slipped into a coma watching him speak 4 times already. 

8:43 - So let me get this straight: the democrats are actually touting a woman’s right to choose and strong unions? Since this is “things we actually used to stand for” night then I’ll just hold my breath here and wait for gun control to be brought up….as;lkdfl; a….opgl jkhvio;dhksjha ….a;lsdkfja;sdboab;ldjsf. Now I need to go de-purple my face. 

8:46 - Lower the microphone to your mouth, Cindy. I really want to pay attention to what you’re saying but you look like Shirley Temple giving a toast at the Elk’s lodge. 

8:52 - Who’s in charge of the interstitial music? Rihanna isn’t exactly the best segue into the stuffy white guy who more than likely just got done sucking off a lobbyist from Time Warner in his dressing room. 

8:55 - Where are all of the all stars of the Democratic Party? This so far has mostly been the people who would agree to be on Dancing With The Stars. I thought I saw Barney Frank on the schedule for tonight. Where are all those guys? Probably fundraising or eating Funyuns or some shit. 

9:00 - It’s Sandra Fluke who was too busy slutting it up all over town to get here any earlier. Risky choice on wearing a dress as one of her 58 Nuva rings might slip out onto the floor while she speaks. You have to put in a new ring for every time you have sex according to my man Rush’s diary. 

9:05 - If you switch over to the Fox News feed right now instead of the image of Sandra Fluke on screen, she’s been replaced with a throbbing clitoris while Barry White plays quietly in the background. 

9:08 - The CEO of Costco now? If everyone looks under their seats will they get free tube socks? I’m looking forward to the CEO of Dave & Busters to come out later and give the keynote. 

9:11 - Is this guy as dynamic at his company’s annual conference? Because I would love to stream that next year to get a taste of his soaring rhetoric and personal charm and if not, I could get some tips on which decaf teas go down the smoothest at 8:30PM. 

9:13 - You’re still talking and yet somehow I haven’t seen a white light yet. Let’s fix one of these things as soon as possible. 

9:15 - “Costco’s story is the American story” - Jim Sinegal. Well, they are both places where you can get big ass TVs and slices of pizza for way too cheap. 

9:15 - Here we go, Elizabeth Warren. The building just woke up along with my eyelids. 

9:16 - Bill Clinton married one of the coolest women on the planet? When did he marry Rosalind Russell in His Girl Friday? 

9:19 - Why isn’t Bill Clinton opening for Elizbeth Warren? Hearing Clinton speak at one of these again is like hearing the Stones play “Ruby Tuesday” again. 

9:21 - “We celebrate success. We just don’t want the game to be rigged.” That should be a theme of one of these nights or hell, the whole damn campaign. Not that “Forward” isn’t visionary…

9:24 - “The Republican vision is clear: ‘I got mine. You’re on you’re own.’” Isn’t that what it says on their t-shirts? 

9:24 - Holy shit, she just said that corporations aren’t people. I don’t know that I’ve heard any democrat actually say that out loud over the last two years. Look for the Republicans to bring back a hologram Joe McCarthy tomorrow to make accusations about her. 

9:28 - I need some more E. Warren content on here. Anyone have any tapes of her rap battles down by the railroad tracks? 

9:31 - Well that certainly whipped them into a frenzy. I’m sure their reception of Bill Clinton will be very calm and half of them will run out for a nacho run. 

9:32 - No, not yet another montage of 1992 set to Fleetwood fucking Mac. Why not mix it up with “Brick House” or something? 

9:34 - Now watch Clinton pretend that he did everything short of drawing horns on Obama’s face four years ago to sabotage his campaign. It’s too bad he has no real history of pretending.

9:37 - “After last night, I want a man who had the good sense to marry Michelle Obama.” You didn’t realize that until last night? What was she doing before? Sitting at home in track pants laughing at Mike & Molly while chewing Combos with her mouth open? 

9:38 - “We democrats believe in a strong middle class.” Really? Did you believe that when you repealed Glass-Steagall or when a good number of you voted for the Bush tax cuts? I guess it’s easy to believe things like me believing that this night will end at some point. 

9:46 - Clinton seems to have lost his passive aggressive touch when it comes to Obama or at least has figured out a way to publicly embrace him without any residual vitriol spilling over.  

9:49 - Clinton has this ability to speak to crowds as if he’s teaching them but without being condescending. Sorry if I just blew your mind with that really original insight. I know that’s probably never been said before. Hey, have you ever noticed how gasoline kind of smells good?

9:51 - Those pesky financial regulations? Big talk coming from the guy who actually did find them pesky and helped get us into this mess in the first place. What’s next? Is he going to say, “And then some jagoff put in place the really dumb compromise of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”?

9:57 - Whoa, Mr. NAFTA is talking about manufacturing jobs increasing? People always talked about Clinton’s penis but I think it’s his balls that are more outlandish. 

10:00 - “The old economy is not coming back and we have to build a new one.” Good thing to remember, but I can still be wasting time on the internet for a majority of the day in the new one too, right? 

10:06 - This is the first speech that dove head first into policy details which the crowd is eating up with a spoon. So maybe they could do away with all the generic cheerleading crap tomorrow night and break out some Power Point slides and scones. 

10:08 - Bill Clinton is doing what the media couldn’t bother to do: fact checking Paul Ryan’s speech. 

10:11 - This guy is a hell of a performer. He somehow has got better at it in his older age, like the opposite of Al Pacino. 

10:13 - Clinton should just have a show where he analyzes Republican talking points that came out that week. Not sure how you could work some backup dancers into the show, but when there’s a will there’s a way. 

10:16 - Well, arithmetic and saving money on the poor by giving Newt Gingrich his wish of ending welfare but arithmetic is certainly snappier so let’s just go with that. 

10:19 - People from Arkansas know that 2+2=4? I thought the answer they gave to that equation was lasagna. 

10:22 - “Every single person who has bet against America has lost money.” Not me when I bet against us getting thinner last year. Now to dive into my cash pool. 

10:24 - Barack came out for a hug and now is leaving without saying a word. Why the hell didn’t Michelle get the same treatment last night? Did Rahm have him pinned down in the back until Obama guessed what brand of deodorant Rahm uses on his crotch? 

10:27 - Antonio Villaraigosa is wrapping things up and now the roll call of the states begin. Who will be the state to say “present” after multiple series of “heres”? My money’s on Idaho. 

Up until the end that was the most boring collection of speeches I’ve heard since I time traveled to my own eulogy section of my funeral. They both however contained many mentions of tort reform so go figure. I’m off to bed where I can begin dreaming of Elizabeth Warren knitting me a sensible sweater. Good night. 

Live Blogging The 2012 Democratic National Convention, Night 1 by Matt Payton

Well, I missed last week’s convention because I was still in Scotland after trying to entertain people there that want silly wordplay and pieces of candy distributed to them by the performers in the comedy shows they’re watching. Anyway, the only thing I really got to see in context from last week was Clint Eastwood’s version of Bob Newhart’s phone bit with a chair, so I’m looking forward to Kirk Douglas to make an appearance this week and talk to Mitt’s docking station. I’m a little rusty since I haven’t live blogged one of these things in four years so let’s all hold hands and pray to whatever god is trendy this year so the Democrats can pander to that. Thank that hip god that there are only 3 nights of this!

8:03 - I’m watching this on C-SPAN mostly to avoid any Wolf Blitzers or Chris Matthews coming into my field of vision as my seizure treatment materials are dangerously low to gamble on something like that. There’s something comforting about the lack of the widescreen view. 

8:05 - Ted Strickland is incorporating a verse from Matthew in the middle of his shitting on Mitt Romney, so I guess the Democrats can learn a few things from their friends across the aisle. 

8:06 - God, this guy is irritating. Shouldn’t he be announcing the results of a raffle at your mom’s work function?

8:08 - Ah shit, here comes Kathleen Sebelius. It’s a little early in the night for a sleep aid but I guess it wouldn’t hurt you to go to bed early after the long holiday weekend. Is this why she’s the Health & Human Serivces Secretary? 

8:09 - Very appropriate that Sebelius walks out to the Grateful Dead, a band that drones on and on for an inordinate amount of time that is only interesting when you’re in the middle of mind expanding hallucinations. I’m now trying to give myself a fever. 

8:14 - You know who I haven’t seen in a while? John Kerry. Can someone sneak up on stage and yank on Sebelius’ hair to make sure that’s not a wig? 

8:16 - It’s never a good sign when you’re actually glad to see Rahm Emanuel show up. Either you’re extremely bored already or you have a lot of bodies you need to get rid of toot sweet and don’t have time to think about the moral implications of what has just occurred  Luckily Rahm’s morals were discarded in the trash along with the tip of his finger at Arby’s when he was a kid. 

8:19 - Are they resurrecting the “Change We Can Believe In” this year? Because I’ve heard it several times already. I actually don’t know the answer to this, so I am curious if it’s back or they’re just reminiscing. If so, can we kill Will.I.Am so we only have to deal with him in hologram form? That would be a fair trade to me. 

8:24 - Well that was fast. So far, everyone seems like they have a steak and/or hooker waiting for them back in the green room and they need to get back there before both of them go cold. 

8:27 - I have no real knowledge of Kal Penn nor have I seen any of his movies but he does seem like the first speaker so far who’s there voluntarily instead of waking up last week with a horse’s head in bead with a script attached. 

8:31 - The siblings are here and hopefully the crowd will be able to decipher their language using a dialect known as straightforward language and using this strange feature called sincerity. Pfft, people with real lives. 

8:34 - The health care law has been mentioned by everyone so far, not that it shouldn’t but I wonder if they’ll run out of angles to praise it from. But at least they don’t have to try and figure out new ways to describe how Jesus wants you to read Ayn Rand along with your Bible during your daily devotions. 

8:37 - Please don’t try to be funny during your back-and-forths. Do you want to know Red Foxx’s proposal for a farm bill? OK, bad example as everyone on the face of the earth would kill to read that shit. 

8:39 - Lilly Ledbetter is in the house. It doesn’t seem like the Democrats haven’t bragged about that law enough. This is very cheap to ask, but didn’t Bill Clinton hit on Ledbetter in the mid-80s?

8:42 - The Lilly Ledbetter act is a very important step and should be celebrated and all but Todd Akin is here telling me that women’s paychecks should just know they’re a little short when they get processed and the numbers should block the inequality right after being transfered to the checking account. Makes sense to me!

8:44 - Oh god, not only are we going to have to explain to our grandchildren why in the fuck we didn’t let gay people marry each other and serve in the military at one point, but we’re also going to have to explain why women got paid less than men. Wait a minute, I think I just got the subtext of Planet of the Apes. 

8:46 - Deval Patrick, the man famous for being the guy that people accused Obama of ripping off his stump speech from. For some reason I kind of dig the way this guy is yelling at the podium. I want him to come over to my house and loudly tell me the best way to clean my sink out. 

8:51 - “It’s time for Democrats to grow a backbone” - Deval Patrick. Does someone have access to a DeLorean and know how to punch in the date of 1978 and take this dude back there?

8:56 - Deval Patrick is the guy to beat tonight. He’s like that one college that sneaks into March Madness that you always see but have no idea what kind of team they have and come out and wipe the floor with your team. He’s now in the back fucking Rosario Dawson. 

8:57 - Tom Carcetti is talking now and has to follow Deval Patrick in the same way that Pauly Shore probably once had to follow Chris Rock in the early ’90s. Poor bastard. 

8:59 - There’s nothing like a good call-and-response speech to make you want to change the channel and see what exactly America sees in this How I Met Your Mother show. 

9:02 - Does Martin O’Malley think just because the audience looks smaller from the stage that they are in actuality 5 years old? Because that would explain why he’s talking to them like they just wiped their asses with their bare hands. 

9:04 - So giving billionaires more money and taking it from the poor is a bad idea? Mr. O’Malley excuse the mess, but you just blew my fucking mind. Can I borrow a mop to clean up the chunks of my frontal lobe before they seep under the linoleum?

9:06 - “Alright Latinos, lap it up because aside from the La Bamba transition music we’re planning on Thursday night and the guacamole at the snack bar, this is really all we have for you. But where else are you gonna go, you know. Now get out of here while I light this cigar and pretend I’m above Super PACS.” -DNC

9:09 - I guess we know which twin got the charisma gene: Mary-Kate. 

9:10 - They wanted to get the mayor of Columbus, Ohio for the keynote but his 1993 Cutlass Ciera broke down and now he’s working in a coal mine in West Virginia. Ah well!

9:13 - This nuance and sophistication is a bit overwhelming tonight. Slow it down Democrats, hard work is good and noble? Let me grab a pen before you go into your financial proposals about how a penny saved is…something…damnit! I can never remember the rest of it!

9:16 - The crowd just booed the concept of watching the Republican convention last week. They’re like the lame theater company who is putting on a musical version of some shitty ’80s movie while looking down their noses at Cats. 

9:19 - Does anyone else want to wipe the smug little smirk off of Julian Castro’s oddly irritating face? Just stop smiling at yourself after making horribly scripted jokes that came off the back of DNC-supplied popsicle sticks. 

9:22 - Why do I have the feeling that Mayor Castro is about to ask for money about this awesome timeshare in Colorado that will totally be available during the summer except for right around the 4th of July. I mean even so, the Anderson’s are really flexible. Hell, I’ll even give you their number and you can coordinate with them. They make a hell of sloppy joe ha ha ha, why don’t you get out your checkbook now?

9:26 - If my dad would’ve said to me before my first day of preschool, “May God be with you” I would’ve thought I was being sent on some sort of mission to outer space which would’ve been quite awesome at the time although damned confusing. 

9:30 - Can the rest of the convention just be stories from Michelle Obama’s family? Then Michelle talking about what movies she likes. Wearing something leggy. 

9:32 - How is Barack planning on paying back his wife in their post-presidency years for making a Harvard educated lawyer spend 8 years taking on the meaty issues of being in favor of military families and child dancing? I hope she makes him become the spokesman for the national flossing foundation or something. 

9:36 - A military mom is speaking and started off saying how she isn’t even political. Well, you’re in luck lady because the cretins that orchestrate this little dance are about to partisan you up like a fetus following along in the Bible with a rifle. 

9:39 - Oh nevermind, she was just introducing Michelle Obama. I didn’t think she’d be out here so soon. Who the hell are they going to get to follow her? Don’t you want to save the big hit song for the encore? Now what are you going to do? Take requests? Play those B-sides the nerds have been clamoring for? This smells trouble. 

9:42 - Michelle couldn’t stay awake during movies when their kids were younger. I take it she hasn’t been watching the convention so far, although the extra sleep would explain how beautiful she is. 

9:44 - Barack’s love of shitty cars at least lasted to when he bailed out Detroit. Boom!

9:45 - Is Michelle sure she wasn’t raised by Chris Rock’s dad? 

9:48 - Can we just let Michelle be president for the next term please? We’ll give Barack a cushy job as the ambassador to Luxembourg or some shit which would make it easier for me to run into her on her birthday coincidentally with a bouquet of her favorite flowers in my hand and then…

9:52 - “No one should ever go broke because of an accident or an illness,” and just ask anyone with insurance and they’ll tell you that those people are quite reasonable and aren’t at all interested in bleeding as many pennies they can out of any resource they see out of their bloodthirsty eyes. 

9:55 - Barack Obama turned down high paying jobs? What a nut. I thought the point of getting a job was to get as much money as possible so you can buy matching outfits for your kids and you to take a family picture with thus giving the crew down at the photo hut something to laugh at during the Christmas party. 

9:57 - You can tell that Michelle is more dignified to give into the simplicity and mob mentality of the chanting and empty slogans and just politely waits for the crowd to stop eating raw meat and going back to her simple, emotionally mature message. Oh, and see how she doesn’t try to make dumb jokes? The rest of you should take note. 

10:02 - Nice mention of gay marriage right after talking about the civil rights accomplishments of the last 50 years. Now wait, what’s this? Genuine human emotion while talking about something deeply personal to you? Does she know this is a political convention? You’re supposed to fake that shit so that pundits will pontificate how that will play in Pennsylvania. This lady has a lot to learn.

10:05 - Up until the end of Michelle’s speech, this crowd seemed very decaffeinated especially compared to the clips I saw of last week. But Martin O’Malley is mostly used as an antidote to smelling salts so they did pretty well considering. 

10:06 - “Let us close this day in prayer.” How about we close it with a Magnum Bar instead? Sad the Democrats feel like they have to do this shit.  

10:11 - It’s over already? I thought this was supposed to go until 11. Damn, now what am I going to do? Does anyone know what channel they rerun episodes of The Golden Girls on? 

We made it and I didn’t have to hear anything about that bullshit they do with vinegar in their barbecue down there so I’d say the night is a success based on that. I plan on making Deval Patrick the keynote speaker at my funeral and Michelle Obama the woman I’m going to steal away from that nerd she’s married to. Gotta go draw up some plans on the back of this Wendy’s napkin. See ya tomorrow night. 

Live Blogging the NBC News Florida Republican Presidential Debate by Matt Payton

Man, it seems like we just had one of these a week ago. Actually there’s been 47 of them since then so I figure I’ll tune into this one to see how far the monkeys have learned to fling their poo at each other. When we last checked in on these boys Mitt Romney was unquestionable front runner. Much like a profitable movie franchise, the people who stand to make the most money off this are going to stretch the ending of this race out as long as possible. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will make an appearance while Ron Paul talks about how glorious life will be without libraries. 

C-SPAN is showing George Bush’s 1992 State of the Union address right now and it’s interesting to watch. First, he came out and didn’t start off with saying the state of the union is strong but instead made self-deprecating jokes about how his wife was more popular than him and throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. Now he’s bragging about cutting defense spending. So does this mean we’ll be looking back at Rick Santorum in 20 years and chuckle about how he sounds in retrospect? Hopefully our cyborg overlords will allow us to access our history. 

8:01 - I really don’t like Brian Williams. Mostly because he becomes aroused at the smell of his own farts. And either put your glasses down or where them shits, stop playing with them like they’re a stress ball. 

8:04 - Newt Gingrich doesn’t seem to want to bitch slap the moderator in the face this time, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The night is young and that insulin wears off real fast. 

8:06 - Mitt Romney is rightly highlighting the fact that Newt resigned as the Speaker of the House in disgrace. I really have been struggling for the last week to decide which of these two is the more disgusting one. That is a brain teaser if I’ve ever heard one. 

8:09 - Brian Williams just called out Romney for being negative after saying he wouldn’t be even though all Williams has asked about so far is a variation of “Just how much of a dickhead do you think Newt Gingrich really is?” If we were in another time Williams would be hosting a game show. Oh wait, he is!

8:12 - How long before they’ll let Ron Paul talk? I’ll bet somewhere around 9:42 but it will be during a commercial break and he’ll ask if he can refill his bag of beef jerky. 

8:16 - Ron Paul has no plans to run as a third party candidate and I hope he doesn’t rule out the possibility of being a character actor. If Howard Hawks were around today he could put that man to good use. 

8:20 - Romney is bragging about the fact that he doesn’t overpay his taxes. Isn’t that like bragging that your mailman comes to your house no more than once a day?

8:22 - These guys keep talking to each other like they’re bickering but they’re actually agreeing and there’s a bit of camaraderie that comes across but as a surprise to both parties talking. I get a feeling that NBC is trying to suck all of the train wreck excitement that came out last week in South Carolina. 

8:25 - What is this with Rick Santorum making a worthwhile point about being pro-capitalism and supporting the Wall Street bailouts? I can’t handle him not spewing bile when he talks. It’s just too jarring. 

8:29 - Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich keep trying to call each other out. Fat cat fight!

8:30 - Romney is just an annoying gnat in the face of Gingrich which he keeps trying to swat away but keeps accidentally eating. 

8:33 - Why is this so decaffeinated? They’ve somehow made a GOP Presidential debate come across as more dry and nap inducing than a GOP Presidential debate. 

8:34 - Commercial break. I need some Ritalin. 

8:37 - God help us. NBC is live streaming comments people are making on the internet about the debate. What kind of loser comments in real time over the internet to tell people what they think about what they’re watching? How arrogant is that? Wait a second…

8:42 - “Markets have to have regulation to work” - Mitt Romney. If this were South Carolina he would’ve been tarred and feathered by now. What kind of radical, left-wing thing is he going to say next, “Poor people may not be the devil”?

8:45 - Still haven’t seen Brian Williams use those damn glasses he always is holding. Maybe he lost them along with his pride to be working for the fourth estate. 

8:51 - Dumbest answer of the night (so far): “How do you end a war in Afghanistan without talking to the Taliban?”-Brian Williams “By beating them?”-Mitt Romney. Yes, he said it as a question. Simple as that. Thanks, Mitt. Nailed it!

8:54 - Ron Paul thinks it’s utterly foolish to attack Iran at this juncture although he’s dead set on getting us back on the gold standard. Ah, juxtaposition. 

8:58 - Brian Williams has brought people in to help him ask questions. They seem to be involved in a field Williams should check out sometime: journalism. 

9:00 - Rick Santorum does not like Iran. Granted he doesn’t like much in this world, but them he really does not care for. 

9:02 - The female journalist has asked a question about the BP oil spill and like clockwork Santorum has worked the Keystone pipeline into his answer as some sort of energy savior. Now if only he can get sodomy in there he’ll be able to sleep tonight. 

9:04 - These guys think other languages are cute and all but if you don’t speak English then you’ll just learn like that. You can take off from your busy schedule to do that can’t you? 

9:10 - This might be the most boring presidential debate I’ve ever seen. And I go to all the local girl scout chapter’s presidential debates. Somehow Ron Paul always is always in those too. 

9:15 - Don’t get me wrong, that South Carolina crowd last week was abhorrent and it got me fantasizing about having a debate with no crowd at all but this just feels like a high school graduation where the principle tells you to not clap for your brother or not to show emotion of any kind. The screamers are awful and annoying but keeping everyone quiet like they’re McMurphy at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest just feels wrong. 

9:19 - Why the hell are they debating Terri Schiavo? I thought we moved on from that one. Let’s ask them what they thought about the O.J. trial after this, then maybe a moment of silence for the Hindenburg victims. 

9:21 - Do these two newspaper reporters work for a high school paper? Their questions and presentation certainly would make more sense. They totally have to get their story turned into Mrs. Hoover tomorrow by third period or else they won’t get to go to the skate party Wednesday night. 

9:24 - There’s a legitimate question: how come the Bush tax cuts didn’t work? Newt Gingrich answers that by somehow involving 9/11 in the answer and how it helped us from going off a cliff or something. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about but then again I think I’ve been sleep-typing for the last half hour. 

9:30 - According to Mitt Romney raising a family is something you can do to contribute to the soul of conservatism in America. That’s a conservative act apparently. What else is he going to claim? Drinking water? Wearing shirts? Hating Katy Perry?

9:34 - Rick Santorum is going after Romney and Gingrich for supporting old Republican ideas that later on Democrats proposed and the new Republicans reacted with outrage. This could help my theory that Santorum is a 6-year-old boy. 

9:37 - Did Ron Paul just get the biggest applause of the night for saying that following the Constitution will turn us all into conservatives? I heard at least 8 people clapping but that could’ve been a result of them watching Kramer enter Jerry’s kitchen on an old Seinfeld rerun they’re watching on someone’s laptop. 

9:40 - Is it done now? Oh thank the Republican Jesus, i.e the real one. Thank you so much - I’ll never curse the name of Ronald Reagan again. Just get me out of here. Oh wait, my shirt is torn on this rock! Who cares, I’ll replace it later just run!

I now am going to dunk my head into a tub full of bleach. I don’t know why but I know it will provide me more answers than the last hour and forty minutes did. I have to change the channel quickly because Dick Gregory is talking and he makes Brian Williams look like a wise old sage. Let’s meet back here for another debate, shall we? I’m guessing in about 27 minutes or so. 

Live Blogging the Fox News South Carolina GOP Debate by Matt Payton

Huntsman’s out. So I guess if you want to hear from an adult during this thing I suggest you call up your mom and put her on the speaker phone. Brent Baier is trying to pretend that his network wouldn’t call for Martin Luther King Jr.’s head on a stick if he were alive today right now so this is as good of a time as any to get started. 

8:03 - Romney and Gingrich standing next to each other look to me like some sort of joyless Laurel & Hardy. I really want to see them sleep in the same room and Romney wear a nightcap. “Good night, Newt. Good night, Mittens.”

8:07 - When Mitt Romney confesses to a murder I imagine that he’s this matter-of-fact about it. “A poor person looked at me the wrong way so I got a knife, stuck it in his stomach, watched him bleed to death and then had a chicken salad sandwich. What?”

8:10 - Rick Perry is clinging to being in this thing like a turd after a particularly satisfying barbecue meal. I’m pretty sure that’s on one of his lawn signs in Houston. 

8:11 - Romney is running to crack down on cheaters. Better watch your back, Newt. Boom! 

8:12 - The bald guy with a beard who looks like a scrappier and slightly less suicidal Ben Bernanke is going to be getting his head shoved into a toilet later by Rick Perry while Gingrich and Romney hold his body and Ron Paul stands behind them and pretends they’re not going to do it to him afterward. 

8:14 - The hot lady in the blue dress is recognizing that Ron Paul exists. Tomorrow she’ll use this for indie cred in the office and brag about that one time she listened to Arcade Fire while on line at Starbucks. 

8:16 - Oh yeah, Rick Santorum is still around. I completely forgot about that dude. Just like that one guy will soon…what’s his name….oh yeah, America. 

8:18 - Oh shit, Santorum is going to verbally smack a bitch. He’s going to ask his wife later if she saw that part before he confidently has missionary-position sex with her for the 15 seconds in between the end of the local news and when Jay Leno’s monologue starts. 

8:21 - Wait, Romney is against Super PACs and the way these campaigns are financed? Isn’t that like Lex Luthor speaking out against kryptonite?

8:22 - Rick Perry thinks that Romney and Santorum are insiders. His aides haven’t yet informed him that he’s also in the race. His candidacy makes so much more sense now. 

8:24 - Let’s see companies buy advertising time during this: Infiniti (sure, cars for people with money), CSX (never heard of it, don’t care enough to look), Brother printers (to print off pictures of Barack Obama in African tribal garb), ThermaCare (old people’s backs hurt especially when full of hate), some sort of joint medication (same), Bertlitz (it helps you learn a new language I guess - so you can order your gardener around more efficiently). Makes sense. 

8:30 - Romney has that trait that a lot of pastors always did for me: equally boring, cocky, dumb and rage-inducing all at the same time. It’s a talent. 

8:32 - “The state of Texas is under assault from the federal government” - Rick Perry. Man, this guy is as good at stoking Southern paranoia as he is at mixing a stiff drink. Although it seems he’s only had a half dozen tonight which is pretty damn sober for him.

8:34 - I can’t believe I’m saying this but can we hear something from Newt Gingrich now? I want to switch from depression to anger. 

8:36 - I spoke too soon. Newt wants people who collect unemployment insurance to have a mandatory job training program…and that’s it. No details about how that would work or what field or what “business” would run this thing. Maybe someone could get a job to deflate him in the evenings. Nah, that would require way too much training. 

8:41 - What do you think the odds are that Ron Paul at one time had the largest rubber band ball west of the Mississippi?

8:44 - Ron Paul is working hard on building that bridge the utopia that was America pre-1913. I’ll be right back, I just have to go press my favorite malaria outfit. 

8:45 - The crowd is booing the fact that Juan Williams even dares to mention that Mitt Romney has Mexican heritage. How are these buffoons not treated like hecklers at a comedy club? That’s one of the things lacking in the modern GOP: embarrassment. 

8:48 - Rick Santorum thinks all you need to do to avoid poverty is work, graduate high school and get married before having children. I love that work is the first answer. “All you need to do to avoid being a virgin is 1) get laid 2) stop listening to Rush and 3) brush your teeth every once in a while.”

8:51 - Who’s that making a sensible argument about the drug war as it relates to race the prison industrial complex? Ron Paul: ix-nay on the ogic-lay.

8:52 - God, Newt Gingrich is fucking gross. So is this crowd. Cheering for a man who stands by his ignorant and racist statements. Juan Williams seems to actually be trying to hold some of these assholes’ feet to the fire and Newt just goes into detail about his poor-people-should-just-clean-shit-up plan. Fuck him. 

8:55 - “More people have been put on food stamps by Barack Obama that any other president in history” -Newt Gingrich. He found that fact in the same place God sends sinners to live for eternity: his ass. 

9:01 - Ron Paul is being forced to defend his comment about having any respect for international law. In Republican-land that’s like implying you wouldn’t mind if the Pope came on your face.

9:02 - Brent Baier shouldn’t have this job. He should go back to his old job of being the little man that comes in every box of Legos you’ve ever bought. 

9:04 - If Ron Paul keeps making sense in his arguments about our foreign policy Brent Baier is going to start his period and the crowd is going to roast Mr. Paul like a pig on Hawaiian TV specials. 

9:06 - The golden rule is literally booed among the Republican base. The goddamn golden rule! Do these people sit around and watch Leave It Beaver and when Ward tells Wally his moral lesson at the end do they all shout “bullshit!”?

9:12 - Rick Perry is being asked about Turkey still being included in NATO. The thought bubble above his head right now is filled with Smarties candy and a kick line from 1938. 

9:14 - Rick Perry just made a joke about Ron Paul being gonged that was actually somewhat funny. Ron Paul looks perplexed mostly because he hasn’t watched the radiation box since Jack Paar walked off the Tonight Show when he couldn’t tell a joke about a water closet. 

9:16 - Now Ron Paul is pointing out that the Taliban used to be our allies and that Al Qaeda and the Taliban are seperate. Or in other words, he’s tap dancing on his own GOP electability grave. 

9:17 - This crowd, ugh. How bad is it when the candidates are the least disgusting people in the room?

9:18 - The hot lady in the blue dress is so over this. She’s just waiting for Megyn Kelly to go back to her rap career so she can get in there and entertain stoned college kids skipping class. 

9:22 - Isn’t Congress already part-time? What’s next? Is Perry going to suggest that the Post Office have fewer people working the counter when you go in just to send off a simple package and end up going through the whole day’s New York Times on your phone while having to pee like a bastard and then that lady with her awful kids is in front of you and…

9:27 - Only two references to Ronald Reagan this evening by my count. What’s going on guys? Too busy reading The Nation and e-mailing Sean Penn to give The Gipper a shout-out every 30 seconds? Sheesh. 

9:30 - Every time Rick Santorum finishes a rant he has this smug little look on his face that either reads “Nailed it!” or “Is this the face you make after finishing a grown up sentence?”. 

9:33 - No taxes on dividends or capital gains, Newt? While you’re at it why not throw in no sales tax on yachts, scooners and Grey Poupon? 

9:37 - Here come the questions about guns. Gentlemen, get out your tiny, tiny cocks!

9:39 - Only at this debate do you have to answer how many animals you’ve killed in the last few years and if you haven’t you might as well put on a prom dress. 

9:41 - These guys are really threatened by Ron Paul. I’m not sure why since Fox News has done everything but add a digital clown wig to his head. 

9:45 - Newt doesn’t care much for Romney’s Super PAC attack ad against him. Romney is pretending like he doesn’t talk to them and like he has the ability to give a shit. 

9:47 - “We all would like Super PACs to disapear” -Mitt Romney. In a night chop full of it that has to be the biggest load of horseshit South Carolina has ever seen. And they had a horse shitting convention in Charleston last week. 

9:50 - Wait, what is this with Newt Gingrich making a good point about the failure of No Child Left Behind? Surely he’s about to suggest that immigrant kids just learn how to count by how many grapes they can stuff into his mouth, right? He can’t just leave us hanging like this. 

It’s over. Not just the debate but my hope for humanity. I need to wash my ears out with soap after this. I think I’ll listen to something more intelligent and less offensive by putting on my “Bowel Movements 97-00” compilation tape. Goodnight. 

Live Blogging the GOP 2012 Primary Thanksgiving Family Forum Debate

Are you ready for this one? This is the one where they talk about family values and other such things that us mere mortals don’t quite understand. Of course when you’re talking about values having the human butterball made completely out of sludge that is Frank Lutz, things get a bit ridiculous. But at least this isn’t quite as shady as college football! 

4:06 - Have you ever wanted to hear the story of how Michele Bachmann came to the Lord? No? Then I wouldn’t read a paper until she’s out of the race next week.

4:08 - Wow, this marks the first time Rick Perry has sounded eloquent, articulate and sober. He would make a great southern generic pastor. Wait, that’s what he is already. Good show, old man. 

4:09 - “Unlike Islam…” - Rick Santorum. How many times do you think we’ll hear that this afternoon?

4:12 - I’m glad to see Newt Gingrich is still insulted whenever someone with a microphone asks him a question, even when he’s feeding the Jesus people (otherwise known as the GOP base) their manna. Shouldn’t this be the one debate he enjoys? Or at least tolerates until he can get his ass back to the VIP section of Tiffany’s?

4:14 - Frank Lutz wants to know what accounts for the “hostility” directed toward a discussion of this topic. Looks like someone just earned his Fox News Christmas bonus. I hope he enjoys his non-kosher, non-hilal fruitcake!

4:17 - People of faith apparently have been intimated by the people of non-faith. So does that mean we have to give up our leather jackets and rolling our cigarettes up in the sleeves of our white t-shirts? Because I still just prefer the look. 

4:20 - For a ostensible positive, “spiritual”, touchy-feely event this has already turned into an us v. them fest. The persecution complex of these people knows no bounds, just like their knowledge of how the modern world works. 

4:23 - As much of a fuckwad that Rick Santorum and Rick Perry sound like during this thing the truly most disgusting person here is Frank Lutz. He’s the only here I want to see end up homeless which would then be ironic as he would be told to pull himself up by his bootstraps because one of his polls said that plays better in the plains states. 

4:24 - “You’re even allowed to be an atheist” - Ron Paul. There’s your libertarian candidate, folks. 

4:28 - For as much as the GOP seems to be against everything Islam stands for they certainly both place martyrdom next to godliness. 

4:30 - I could have misheard but according to Ron Paul, poor people who are stuck in poverty should meet the consequences of their terrible poor decisions and not ask for the government for help. This could become a good debate since based on this rhetoric they should spend a good 30 minutes bashing that Jesus character. 

4:33 - Rick “we’re sitting down, I don’t need no stinkin’ tie” Santorum has mentioned a book he has written in at least 3 answers now. I guess he figures he’s already riding the shit slide down to the bottom so he might as well hawk his snake oil on the way down so he can buy some sarsaparilla when he gets there. 

4:35 - Newt Gingrich’s failure to comprehend the message of Occupy Wall Street is maddening not to mention ignorant. I realize that they didn’t pay for the private park they were protesting in, but he seems to be insinuating that they don’t pay for any parks because they are dirty, lazy hippies and pay no taxes. Unlike the fine, upstanding citizens like GE. 

4:41 - Oh isn’t that cute? Rick Perry just referenced his fuck-up in the MSNBC debate. Ha ha! “I’m a dumbass, it’s kind of my thing” Guffaw! “I just spout out bullshit catchphrases and talking points that have no meaning whatsoever because that’s what people like Frank Lutz have taught us to do” Tee hee! “You should just be glad I remembered to wear pants to this goddamn thing because I’m two sheets to the motherfuckin’ wind at this point” Stop it - you’re killing us!

4:45 - Oh, Rick Santorum. Why even bother comparing gay marriage to slavery? What really comes of it? You know you’re just going to get your ass hammered on the internet on Monday. Not that you support ass hammering of any kind. Nope. Never. Not even on the nights when he’s out on the road all by himself with no one to keep him company except for that strapping 24-year-old aid working on his campaign who looks quite dashing in a blue sweater.  

4:47 - You can only watch this debate online so if you’re doing that for some god forsaken reason you’ll notice that they seated Ron Paul at the head of the table so he’s facing everyone sideways the entire time. I’m guessing the debate people originally had him sitting outside in the parking lot at first and he negotiated himself to practically the kids table by using some good old fashioned Texas moxie. 

4:51 - According to Michele Bachmann every human being is created in the image of God. Man, he must be one ugly bastard then. Have you seen some people out there? And they all look like him? Does that mean he has 14 billion nipples?

4:53 - In case you were unaware, these people do not like abortion one bit. What do you think the odds of them bringing up the fact that Mississippi, one of the most red states around, rejected the personhood amendment last week? Same odds that Newt Ginrich might connect emotionally tonight with someone who loves him? You’d be right!

4:57 - Just so you know, Newt Ginrich thinks traditional values means not inviting gays and lesbians to adopt tons of needy children who could use a loving home. How many non-straight, non-white, non-males want to live in Gringrich’s ideal world? Anybody? Anybody at all. Just a simple show of hands. OK, I’m going to assume all of your arms are asleep. Moving on…

5:01 - Whoa - a gallon of gas was $1.79 on the day Barack Obama took office? Where the hell was that, Ms. Bachmann? Oh wait, she’s thinking of how much Marcus Bachmann charged to guzzle a gallon of sperm while being tickled by a boa feather. Considering the inflation to his prices since then I’d say that’s a steal. 

5:04 - Frank Lutz has given them all a five minute break so they can prepare to be asked about their own sins and why they believe what they believe. I’m going to take advantage of this time by going ahead and dying my hair gray now so I can save my nerves the trouble of doing it to my follicles during this abomination. 

5:10 - I just realized that this thing is at a fuckin’ church. Maybe that’s why they have seemed the most natural and at ease here than in any environment we’ve seen them all so far. 

5:12 - Herman Cain is getting choked up about talking about his cancer diagnosis. This is the first time I’ve seen him be real. I like it. If he works a 9-9-9 reference into this goddamn story I will personally kick him in the balls. 

5:15 - Rick Perry’s sense of right and wrong was shaped by his experience as a boy in 4-H which he failed to mention is administered by the Department of Agriculture. So maybe that was the third agency he was intentionally blanking on. 

5:16 - Perry’s use of the phrase “the Lord Jesus Christ” was eerily perfect for this crowd and immediately took me back to my Christian school days. I flashed back so hard there for a second I stopped listening to what he was talking about and started to wonder what the Hostess product situation in the vending machine was. 

5:20 - Ron Paul’s personal history involved hardly any Jesus talk and made me feel the most comfortable and intrigued. He’s the guy at the Thanksgiving table I’d like to sit next to because I think his asides and stories would be the most interesting but if he were president I’d sleep with one eye open. 

5:24 - The way Rick Santorum answers his questions is like he knows he’s simply coughing up bile but this is all he’s got and if he doesn’t go through with this the bomb that’s been planted inside of him might go off like he’s the bus in Speed.

5:29 - You know how that gaffe of Rick Perry’s at the CNBC debate ruined him and turned someone who was already irrelevant into a bigger joke? This Rick Santorum baby story is the opposite of that. This crowd is riveted. And so am I quite frankly. But now that he’s cynically worked that whole routine into a health care jibe I would just like to invite him to fuck himself. 

5:32 - Newt is going to get into the near death baby story tell off too. This is turning into some sort of thinly veiled anti-choice Def Poetry Jam. 

5:34 - Oh and Newt pretending to get choked up is about as believable as Frank Lutz having a salad for dinner tonight before going home to his loving wife and not a $9 hooker. 

5:38 - Newt has caused a great deal of pain in the lives of others. So he’s either talking about the 2 wives he left for other women or the thousands of people who have sat in an enclosed space while sounds have come out of his bullshit-lined mouth. 

5:41 - Ron Paul’s personal flaw is that he was a good athlete as a teenager and injured himself so he couldn’t go on to greatness in track, football and/or baseball. Oh yes, and his penis is just too damn enormous. 

5:44 - This is turning into an exercise in humility. Herman Cain’s flaw is that he was just so stinkin’ successful during his life making money and thinking of innovative tax plans that he didn’t have enough time at home to make his maid feel uncomfortable. 

5:45 - Rick Perry’s new strategy can be summed up thusly: “Fuck it: I’m a moron with enough charm to make you laugh for a few seconds before one of these other people talk about substance*.”    

*substance a relative word in this world

5:49 - Does anyone know Rick Santorum’s view on abortion and gay marriage? I can’t really seem to get a clear view from him on these things because he’s so nuanced about it. Plus he doesn’t seem to want to talk about them very much. I wish we could get a little more out of him on the subject. 

5:52 - Michele Bachmann will get behind the DOMA law. No word yet on what her husband will get behind…you know the rest. 

5:53 - Why does Frank Luntz keep leaving his asinine questions to the candidates with his constant, “Anyone?” It’s your job to make these fuckers answer the questions that you wrote, dipshit! Why are you such a shit?

5:55 - Newt Gingrich just made sure that happiness in the 18th century didn’t mean what the humans nowadays think it involves. So join up with the Gingrich 2012 campaign today: Happiness Without Joy!

5:57 - Two hours in and we have the first mention of a flat tax rate by Rick Perry. So you could sit through this thing with your skin crawling but in a different direction than it usually does with this ass clowns. 

5:59 - Rick Santorum’s rejection of birth control qualifies him to wield expertise on the subject of education. I’m not making that up. 

6:02 - Why isn’t this over with yet? I have a strange urge to get out of the house and marry a man, abort a fetus and wear non-pleated pants. 

6:04 - What the hell is this? Frank Lutz is asking a complex question about the morality of killing in a war? Frank, do you not know who you are? No one would really bat an eye if you started flinging your excrement on the walls. I’m sure that instead of peanuts it would contain chunks of poll numbers and shame. 

6:07 - Michele Bachmann: “The number one duty of the president is to protect the public*.”           

*Not applicable if their safety is impeded by health, poverty, discrimination, religious persecution (except Christians, of course who are constantly being persecuted in America) or sexual orientation. 

6:12 - I was about to compliment Rick Santorum for making sense and having a reasonable point about our relationship to the Middle East but then he has to go and keep talking so we’ll be returning to shitting on him, which I’m guessing he’s really into. 

6:16 - Tough talk about Iran. But you have to come across that way when you’re a newbie or else you end up being traded for cigarettes which Frank Lutz will then smoke as he eats raw beef in his hotel bed while watching Weekend At Bernie’s for the 34th time. 

I just aged 13 years in 2 hours and 15 minutes. For the love of God do not let Frank Lutz ever do anything again that involves talking or thinking. If anyone else sat through that thing and isn’t already halfway to Canada by now, let me know what you think then let me know that you’re not some sort of cyborg here to deplete us of our natural resources and Gatorade. 

Live Blogging the CNBC GOP Debate in Michigan by Matt Payton

It’s been a while since I’ve done this so forgive me if I’m rusty. Is the race at this point against Teddy Kennedy and Jimmy Carter again? Sorry, I saw Newt Gingrich on the roster so I just assumed all the political corpses were available for reanimation. This will be the first debate I’ve actually watched this year so bear with me while you see my innocence raped by a metaphorical panda. Let’s get this live-blogging started!

7:03 - Herman Cain, Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman seemed to get the most applause when they were being introduced. What does that mean? Oh nevermind - Jim Cramer is going to be asking some questions. No need to look for meaning during any of these proceedings. 

7:05 - The sexual tension between Herman Cain and the attractive CNBC lady is palpable. And by palpable I mean greasy and hard to digest. Just like Godfather’s Pizza - bang zoom!

7:08 - Jim Cramer: “I’m on the front lines of the stock market.” Am I the only one who just now found out he’s still on the air? I thought he was working at a Subway and the sandwich he specialized in was a rage & spittle combo. 

7:11 - Jon Hunstman speaking out against “too big to fail” banks got the type of reluctant applause that a Miss America contestant gets when they mention world hunger. Come to think of it, Jon Huntsman would spend his time more wisely in the Miss America pageant than this. It certainly would be more dignified. 

7:13 - Ah shit! Here comes the union bashing - spit your wicked rhymes, Romney! I’m talking about the literal meaning of the word wicked there. 

7:14 - Mitt Romney’s been married to the same woman, gone to the same church and had the same job for a long time. So vote for the guy who sticks with his first option!

7:16 - Newt just suggested Ben Bernanke being fired and the crowd goes nuts. I’m guessing it’s because Bernanke keeps cutting Newt’s hair to glue on his face.

7:19 - “We’re getting our hat handed to us in terms of jobs” - Rick Santorum. I believe the word you’re looking for is ass, not hat. Of course we can all understand why you’d want to distance yourself from the ass. 

7:21 - The audience is booing a question about Herman Cain’s alleged sexual harassment. This should be celebrated - the first GOP debate audience boo that’s justified! I assume they’ll make up for it soon by booing George Washington giving Uncle Sam a handjob while Jesus watches. 

7:23 - CNBC bland guy: “I’m going to move back to the economy.” The crowd goes nuts. Do they know they’re at a GOP debate? I thought these were the crowds who threw tomatoes at homeless pregnant ladies. Have cable news clips been lying to me?!

7:25 - This crowd is so polite to Huntsman. Every time he says something sensible they pause for about 2 seconds and then realize there are cameras in the room so they better clap. 

7:28 - Why the hell is Jim Cramer allowed to ask questions? We get it, you like Milton Friedman. You don’t have to slip it into a question. “Ronald Reagan who was the second coming of Christ once said that he liked jellybeans. Would you keep them on your desk in the Oval Office?”

7:32 - Here we go with the 9-9-9 plan again. It’s like he’s forcing it on us when we’re not interested. In the stairwell. When everyone’s at lunch. No one’s around, you don’t have to tell anyone. It certainly might help a promotion come down the pike. Eh? Eh?

7:34 - “The Obama economy has really crushed the middle class” - Mitt Romney. Yeah, because before he came along the middle class were sending their kids to college while only one parent had to work and they had benefits coming out of their asses. Remember when none of us had any debt and union wages back in 2008?

7:36 - Hey, they’re letting Ron Paul talk for the second time! If he’s lucky they might let him wear home his suit tonight instead of stripping him 5 seconds after the cameras turn off and he has to walk home wearing underwear that looks like what The Three Amigos wore when they were fired. 

7:37 - Ron Paul was just talking about how the elderly get screwed when interest rates are so low. I know this is true because my grandma has been telling me that for the last 10 years. You’d think just based on the fact that the old people vote more than anyone that this would get brought up a lot more but I don’t think I’ve heard another candidate ever talk about the negative effects of low interest rates. (Insert joke here)

7:40 - They have commercials during these things? Is this sponsored by fear and resentment?

7:43 - Whenever Newt Gingrich talks about a subject he does it in such a way that he’s annoyed that he hasn’t been asked this already. Or that you don’t know the answer to his question already. He seems exasperated to have to explain himself and if you’re not on board you’re a dummy. 

7:46 - We don’t have negative housing numbers down in Texas says Rick Perry. Come on down and he’ll show you a good time. My god, Josh Brolin really played the wrong Texas governor. The resemblance Perry and Brolin is uncanny. Are we sure Perry wasn’t in The Goonies?

7:49 - Newt Gingrich has been confused if the question was directed at him two separate times now. I guess if my voice sounded like that I would do everything in my power to puncture my eardrum too. 

7:53 - Wow, Huntsman is now proposing that the astronomical growth of Goldman Sachs since the 1990s wasn’t good for the public. Is he looking to be Perry’s running mate or Obama’s?

7:56 - Herman Cain just referred to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy.” I believe that was also Romney’s locker room nickname circa 1960. 

7:59 - Newt Gingrich has such disdain for cable news people asking him the questions and for this whole process. So you see - he does have some admirable qualities!

8:00 - Oh yeah, Michelle Bachmann - remember when she was a thing? She was like planking. Ridiculous, annoying and something only idiots were interested in. 

8:02 - For a group of people known for being against everything Bill Clinton stood for, they sure do refer back to the 1990s as some sort of economic Plato’s Retreat a lot. I look forward to the GOP revisionist history that makes Reagan elected president in 1992. 

8:04 - Romney was just given credit for his health insurance mandate in MA. He responded by looking like he just got caught with his penis inside of a troll under a bridge and spouting, “Well, the people, the people…”

8:06 - Oh isn’t that cute? The anchors are trying to be funny by referring to the way they’ve systematically lowered the discourse of these debates to a 7-year-old comprehension level and an even lower attention span. These guys are hilarious!

8:12 - We’re back from another commerical break and Rick Santorum is getting asked a question. Mr. Rick Santorum. Santorum, Rick. R. Santorum. You know, whatever you want to call Santorum. 

8:14 - Mitt Romney just made a joke! And it was pulled off somewhat well! You could practically see him saying to himself, “Ha! I made it through the humor hoop! My campaign manager is going to program a steak dinner into my circuits tonight for dinner before he shuts me down.”

8:16 - Rick Perry just forgot the third of three departments he would eliminate and everyone had a good laugh. The anchor then gives him another chance to remember and he can’t. So all you have to do to mess with Texas is ask it to explain itself. 

8:18 - 9-9-9 is turning into Herman Cain’s catchphrase. I guess that beats Newt Gingrich’s, “What a ridiculous question.”

8:23 - I will give Michelle Bachmann this: she doesn’t seem to be chasing ratings. Like Ron Paul, she sticks to her unfortunate ideas as unpopular as opposing the payroll tax cut is, she doesn’t seem to be afraid of being booed. I mean she’s used to it in the bedroom due to a lack of her penis so GOP voters can’t scare her. 

8:26 - Jon Huntsman is really banking on the rational Republicans to come out for him. While everyone else is blowing Reagan is he over in the corner twisting Eisenhower’s nipples?

8:30 - Newt Gingrich wants you to take more classes per semester at college and work a job while you’re at it. He then wants you to go to a younger, more attractive college during your sophmore year and leave the old college while it’s in the hospital. I think this was what he saying that works at the College of the Ozarks.

8:33 - Time for another commercial break here and I have to ask: does anyone actually gain any insight toward who they’re going to vote for during these things? Do you really watch this thinking, “You know, I’ve been a Michelle Bachmann guy up until now but I think I’m gonna go with Ron Paul instead”? Because if you actually learn anything from these debates you should probably check into Bellevue or at the very least put on some pants. 

8:37 - You know how if you repeat a gag enough times it loses its humor but then if you do it some more if comes back around to being funny again? Yeah, 9-9-9 doesn’t work that way, Herman Cain. 

8:42 - Bland CNBC anchor dude is trying to stir up some conflict between Romney and Huntsman and it’s not working. Jesus, just go write a soap opera and bring some adults to appear on these networks. You’ll like it better, granted it might be a little too classy for you at first but you’ll learn how to be more subtle about the product placement. 

8:46 - Jim Cramer is screaming at Herman Cain about Wall St. corruption that was happening before the economic collapse. Cain handled him pretty smoothly and a lot more calmly than Newt, Ron or Rick would. Hey, why do I want to let him touch my boobs all the sudden? Ooooooh, that’s how he does it. 

8:49 - Ron Paul is speaking out against crony capitalism vs. healthy capitalism. It gets the lowest amount of applause I’ve heard all night. 

8:50 - And they wrapped it up in about 6 seconds like they remembered their parents were coming home early after leaving them home alone for the weekend and they have to clean all the cigarette stains out of the carpet in the next 25 minutes. I’d do the same thing if I saw Chris Matthews coming my way. 

That was a debate, all right. They certainly stood at podiums and talked about things that people who are running for office talk about. They talked for two hours but I don’t think I could tell you issues that they addressed outside of housing and jobs in a very general, all-over-the-place sense. Oh Lord, now CNBC is having some sort of post-game analysis where the anchor at the desk is wearing one of those microphones that attaches to your ear. I’m getting out of this motherfucker before he launches into a Backstreet Boys song. See ya later!

“Live” Blogging the 2011 State Of The Union Address: The Day After

This will probably be on and off all day because I’m going to try this at work while I’m manually numbering course material pages with a pen so the time stamps aren’t going to make any sense. You’d think a law school would have a better way of doing such tasks, but I still haven’t found a goddamn water cooler up in this bitch yet!

9:57 - He just welcomed John Boehner as the new Speaker of the House. No tears, just like the shampoo that orange motherfucker uses!

10:00 - I’m watching the video here, so I can’t see the Republicans and Democrats sitting together picking at each other’s scalps like monkeys. 

10:05 - Obama is appealing to the bipartisanship of Congress to look past election and get something done. Someone needs to give this guy the “know your audience” speech. 

10:07 - Just saw everyone clap at Obama’s plea to work for the American people. That was actually kind of cool. OK, back to being an ass. 

10:10 - “There was a time when your competition for a job downtown was limited to your neighbors.” I have a feeling that corporations aren’t going to get called out for their love of slave labor, but I never underestimate Obama’s ability to talk a good game. 

10:13 - This has nothing to do with what’s going on in the speech, but I just realized that Wall Street is like a group of televangelists - they always need money for their Lord. 

10:21 - “China’s kicking our ass, but don’t worry we’re still way too rich for our own good and have a bunch of shit we don’t need.” *Applause*

10:29 - Everyone just gave a standing ovation for the concept of outdoing all other countries in the world. Next, when he brings up helping the rest of the world catch up he’ll get a few yawns and iPhone glances. 

10:31 - Did Obama just equate Facebook with the Wright brothers? So does Friendster get mentioned with Ben Franklin? 

10:33 - The audience just applauded for clean energy. They’re now being explained what that would actually mean for them and the lobbyists that fellate them. Now I see a lot of scrunched faces that signify a deadly fart. 

10:41 - Wow. John Boehner didn’t applaud for the idea of not giving oil companies billions of dollars. He just sat there like Obama just said he fingered his sister. 

10:46 - Obama’s saying that education begins at home, not at school. The Republicans all clap. Look for them to figure out a way how to twist this into a government take over of your parenting skills tomorrow. 

11:02 - This is an “Ask Jeeves” question, but what the fuck is Race To The Top? Is it another name for teaching to the test? Sorry, any fan of The Wire has a natural skepticism toward school and police statistic-based programs. And an unhealthy love of Wendell Pierce. 

12:09 - Joe Biden just reacted to Obama’s story about the Colorado school like, “Damn, that’s pretty impressive. Can I get a Long Island iced tea?”

12:11 - Science and math is getting a lot of love. I don’t know about you but wouldn’t you like these kids also to learn some fuckin’ history and civics? Hell, I want to learn more of that shit. Typing class, as usual, goes unnoticed again. (I’m not sure that even exists anymore)

12:12 - “We’re also revitalizing America’s community colleges.” They’re still sad, uninspiring places but the vending machines at them will now not only have nacho cheese flavored Doritos, but we’ll make sure the next generation comes of age with some Cool Ranch!

12:15 - John McCain has a look on his face like he just ate too much of that pudding that helps you poo. “I can’t believe I lost to this black guy with that name. I think I should be allowed to call my wife a cunt later tonight, I’m gonna get her on the phone…(falls asleep)”

12:18 - Instead of making fun of airport pat downs can Obama maybe do something about reforming our so-called airport security? Like when he smugly makes fun of marijuana users while wasting tons of money and resources on putting them in jail. He needs to avoid comedy and leave it to the unintentional masters like his predecessor.

12:20 - Yes. Lower that corporate tax rate. They’ve had it hard for too long. Maybe someday they’ll be able to be heard. Perhaps the Supreme Court could help with that. If only they had some friends in this room then maybe things would start to go their way. Oh well.

12:22 - Oh my god, only in this country would the President shit on business regulation after big business was caught stealing from the country. “No officer, don’t put this guy who just robbed my house in jail. He said he was going to come back tomorrow and I have to assume it was to make me waffles and watch Law & Order with me in bed. He’ll be fine. He won’t do it again. He promises!”

12:25 - There’s nothing like people who spent you into oblivion standing up and applauding the idea of the government living within its means. Like when your date rapist applauds sexual harassment awareness training at your workplace.

12:28 - Obama’s calling out the Republicans on their bullshit ideas about reducing the deficit but in a sly, respectful way. This will definitely win them over and inspire them to cooperate on some substantive legislation. At that point Beyoncé will call me and ask if I’ll come over and give comments while she models bikinis for me. 

12:32 - He makes a good argument about the need for government agency reorganization. I doubt anyone in the room would argue him on that point either. Using his logic about being outdated sure could be put to use with the filibuster, the Second Amendment and the electoral college, but I’m not going to get my hopes up about those.

1:03 - Is it me or is John Boehner sitting like he has the hanger still in his shirt because he wants to make sure his whole face stays in the camera shot the whole time? That or he’s just getting antsy for his and Obama’s next smoke break.

1:04 - John McCain just got very excited about earmarks being vetoed. I’m a little confused by this because I assume it means even less will get done in Congress because I’ve never heard of one bill in my lifetime that didn’t have at least some earmarks in it. Maybe McCain just wanted to get some blood flowing down to his legs so he can kick a gay soldier in the kneecaps later. It’s his hobby, I don’t know…

1:07 - Oh yeah, there’s still a war in Afghanistan. Sarah Palin or one of the people who came in or out of her vagina should start talking about it so we can it can get some media attention.

1:11 - Now we’re at the diplomacy part of the speech, AKA the piss break period where concubines are arranged for the after party.

1:13 - Obama just praised the men and women who serve our country. If only that meant more than just serving it with a gun and in countries we’ve invaded.

1:16 - “No one would trade places with any other nation on Earth.” Does Canada count?

1:18 - Here comes Boehner’s tear factory, ironically one of the only factories in the country that has seen an increase in production over the last 30 years.

1:21 - OK, I have to admit this ending is pretty damn strong, inspiring and optimistic. Hold me, John Boehner, hold me in your leathery arms!

I haven’t heard any reaction to this yet today, were the usual people pissed and the other usual people pleased? I’m interested to see how the no earmark thing will manifest itself. Also it seemed that ending DADT deserved more than just a token shout out of recognition, but what can you do? I’m going to get back to praying for this country so I can then pretend like I actually did something useful with my limited resources and ability!

Click below for the live blog archive (sure, I’ll call it that):

http://mattpayton.tumblr.com/tagged/live%20blog

Live Blogging The 2010 State Of The Union Address

What’s more of a relief: to have a guy with a reading level above the 6th grade giving this address for the first time in 8 years, or to not have to stare at Denny Hastert standing behind the president all night? I can’t decide. I know that Nancy Pelosi has been Speaker of the House and got to sit beside Dick Cheney for the last couple of years but the image of Hastert staring off into the distance daydreaming about the 7 Chalupas he’s going to pick up on the way home is what I associate with State of the Union speeches. But even that has to be better than having to watch that dickhead Newt Gingrich occupy that spot before. With every new Speaker you ever-so-slightly improve the level of irritation. Judging by the current path we’re on, I look forward to Madame Speaker Fran Drescher in the year 2025.

Anyway, let’s watch some speechifying:

8:07 - Wouldn’t it be awesome if, after having to shake all of these old Congressman’s hands, Obama would whip out some hand sanitizer at his podium and clean up in front of everyone? Then he could show he was serious about those swine flue prevention tips.

8:10 - Clap clap clappity clap clap. I’m already tapped out.

8:12 - Starting out with some historical context, who does this guy think we are? Next thing you know, he’ll appeal to our human side and not blame all of our problems on Muslims being evil.

8:15 - I don’t think any of us understand why bad behavior on Wall St. is rewarded and Main St. is fucked, not just some of us. OK, we understand it, we’re just pissed off about it. We kind of want you to be too.

8:16 - People are coaching little league? Can towns even afford little league anymore. I assume they’re all in the same financial state that the Mighty Ducks were in before Coach Gordon came along.

8:18 - “We all hated the bank bailout.” Maybe in the same way people hated Avatar: a lot of people hated it but the fucker was so omniscient that it didn’t matter.

8:22 - I’m liking Obama’s casual and conversational tone here. It takes the hubris and pomp out of the whole procedural part of this thing.

8:24 - Retirement funds starting to gain value is like Orson Welles circa 1978 dropping 5 pounds, an encouraging sign I suppose, but far from something to write home about.

8:26 - There are small business owners still making money? I guess Korean rub-and-tug establishments count as small business. That and foreclosure sign shops.

8:28 - Like we need any infrastructure funding…pfft. I was just telling someone today while waiting for the bus forever in the cold while staring at the pothole-riddled road that I hope we stop wasting so much money on our robust American infrastructure.

8:31 - “How long should America put it’s future on hold?” Excellent question and I’m so sick of being told to just grit our teeth and make it through this period or that one. Being in constant “just wait” mode can disillusion a person.

8:33 - “We can’t let the lobbyists win this fight.” Can we let them win any fight? Certainly we have, but I’d be ok if we turned them into the Washington Generals to our Harlem Globetrotters.

8:35 - Don’t applaud clean coal. You might as well applaud a Tooth Fairy reform bill while you’re at it. How can you legislatively pursue something that doesn’t exist?

8:37 - Of course I just said that as he brought up global warming and the flat-earthers started farting in the back.

8:40 - Do you think George W. Bush is watching this or is he flipping between this and reruns of Wings. What am I saying? He went to bed 40 minutes ago.

8:42 - OK, the student debt being lowered if you go into public service thing was a good one. Teddy Kennedy’s giant Irish head would’ve been proud. If that passes they should name it after him or Sergeant Shriver.

8:44 - He’s claiming credit for taking on health care which would be ok if he would’ve taken it more seriously and not left the monkeys in the Senate to poo and masturbate all over it.

8:46 - We haven’t become skeptical of the health care bill because of how long it’s taken. We’ve become skeptical because it’s had so much of it’s teeth removed that it might as well be a hockey goalie.

8:49 - I like that he’s explaining how much Bush and co. took a shit on the economy and spent us into the poor house. The Democrats wanted to start applauding the mere mention of the 2000 surplus and he silenced them. Classy move. I’m expecting a Joe Wilson-like shout at any moment here from the other side.

8:54 - Can someone explain the government spending freeze to me? I don’t know what it means, I don’t understand what will change, I don’t understand how it will be implemented and it’s so vague that it doesn’t register with me.

8:56 - Try some common sense? This is a suggestion that has never been given to me by a politician. By golly, that’s just crazy enough to work! Let’s go…eat donuts? I don’t know.

8:58 - When he just talked about elections being funded by special interests why didn’t we get a shot of the Supreme Court hanging their heads in shame and maybe Anthony Kennedy realizing he was on camera and quickly removing the pistol from his mouth?

9:00 - “What frustrates Americans is a Washington where everyday is Election Day.” No fucking shit!

9:02 - He just told the Democrats to not run for the hills. They are all clapping. “Yes, we have no idea what the fuck we’re doing! Yay for us! We give the Republicans most everything they want! Please keep electing us.”

9:05 - We’re an hour into this thing and terrorism is just now being brought up. Look for Fox News to ignore everything that has come before this and somehow make this their proof that Obama isn’t concerned about terrorism. Of course I hope it drops about 10 notches on his priority list.

9:09 - I wanted to bring this up earlier, but a lot of his jokes and candid moments remind me of when speakers in my high school chapel would try and win points with us in the audience while droning on about how God wants you to kiss him or whatever they were saying.

9:12 - America’s greatest source of stregnth has always been our ideals. Although lately I think that’s been usurped by our stockpile of weapons. Lots and lots of weapons. Of mass destruction come to think of it. And we haven’t shown ourselves to be the most stable owners of them for quite a while.

9:14 - How has there not been an equal pay law already? It’s like discovering one of those town that still have segregated proms. It’s embarrassing and pisses you off.

9:16 - “No wonder there’s so much cynicism out there. No wonder there’s so much disappointment.” At least he seems to get it. Or he at least puts effort into pretending to get it. I do think the 2002 era Obama would’ve been one of the disillusioned ones. I hope he’s elbowing his way in a little bit.

9:21 - Are we just helping the Haitians so they’ll chant “U.S.A! U.S.A.!”? Because you can get that at any truck rally. But if you want that from a foreign country, I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

9:21 - “Thank you and good night. Michelle and I will be over at the Sizzler if you want to chit chat about any of this. Hurry up and get over there for a good seat so you don’t get stuck next to Harry Reid.”

That felt more like a casual and straightforward Obama speech than a Presidential State of the Union speech. I don’t really know if that’s good or bad or what it even means. Turn on the talking blowhards if you want an unenlightened opinion on the matter or if you want to hear about what this means for _____. I’m going to do something much more productive and go drink a Gatorade.

Live Blogging Barack Obama’s Health Care-A-Palooza

As I understand it this is an ABC News exclusive, right? And I think it was last week when Brian Williams and NBC got the “all-access” pass to the White House. I believe next week Katie Couric will perform Mr. Obama’s colonoscopy and make it her screen saver. Get ready to go back to the 8th grade to hear some dumbass questions.

9:02 - I already don’t like this format and I have no idea why. Much like when you walk into a lame work party with great food, there’s just an immediate bad vibe you get like walking into a clan rally and you feel like you’ve made a huge mistake.

9:04 - If I heard this Dr. Tim Johnson talk like that to me while sitting in his office I’d yell into his stethoscope that I’m not fucking 9 and don’t need to be talked to like I am.

9:06 - I hate myself for noticing this, but his hair looks a lot less gray than usual. OK, I’m going to kick my ass now.

9:09 - Diane Sawyer shouldn’t be allowed to ask questions or talk for more than 5 seconds at a time. I find it so odd she’s married to Mike Nichols.

9:11 - He seems to understand the importance of reforming how we pay doctors. I can tell he’s read that New Yorker article about the Mayo Clinic. It would be easy at this point to suggest the advantage of having a president who reads, but I won’t do that.

9:14 - I feel like Diane Sawyer’s questions are written to satisfy people who get their information on this subject from TV news….oh, never mind.

9:16 - Genuine change doesn’t come from government? Dude, you have the majority in both houses, approval ratings, poll numbers that say people want this and the economic crisis that gives us the opportunity to change the shit up. You can do this largely without us. Fuck this reaching across the aisle bullshit on this one. Why reach across when there are alligators there waiting to bite your hand off?

9:19 - There are commercials during this thing? Do we have to pretend to be shocked when a boner pill ad comes on?

9:20 - A McDonald’s commercial during a health care Q&A? Why not show a crack commercial during a poverty discussion?

9:24 - Charlie Gibson wants to ask a question that may sound silly and naive? Get out of town! And he was right - I’m pretty sure that question was written by Rush Limbaugh.

9:26 -  The president of the AMA is talking, I think it would be nice if ABC digitally added flames around his head like that Simpson’s episode with Mayor Quimby.

9:33 - Why do we always have to see a close-up shot of an IV during hospital montages? There’s nothing quite as riveting as water slowly dripping!

9:36 - These end-of-life questions are hard ones to answer. He does seem to grasp how complicated all these issues can be and it’s nice to not have it all written off with easy answers.

9:39 - “We want to use science. We want to use experts.” I don’t know, that sounds pretty elitist to me. Mr. President. I don’t want no fancy book-learnin’, latte-drinkin’, pants-wearin’ coast types tellin’ me that my diabetes is making my ass fat. Can’t I just continue to blame it on the devil?

9:43 - It would be nice if someone brought up Europe and suggest that we steal ideas that have worked for them.

9:45 - A guy just asked about how involved government could get involved in your personal life. Does this man realize the government already does this regarding who you fuck, how you chose to get high and if and how you want to end your life?

9:48 - Charlie looks very annoyed that Barack just outed him as making over $250k a year. It’s probably the first time he’s heard about a salary that low since 1982.

9:50 - Jesus Christ, they’re taking as many commercial breaks as there are during a tied playoff game with 90 seconds to go. Classy, ABC. Couldn’t you have got a company with tons of cash like GM to sponsor this shindig?

9:54 - Just say rich people can pay more taxes than they have been for the last 8 years. Why can’t we just admit this will cost some money?

9:56 - Barack seems to have a passion for this issue and you can tell it’s something he is very knowledgeable about. It probably helps that he sleeps with an incredibly intelligent former hospital executive, but I like that he doesn’t seem to be just pulling all of this out of his ass.

That was a few interesting minutes of a health care discussion framed around tons of commercials. The ratio of content to advertising was equal to the amount of liquid to ice when you order a drink at Sonic without any specifications.