I’m not sure if starting an hour earlier tonight is a good idea or if now I’ll only live to age 59 from what will seep into my psyche but what the hey? Tonight is supposed to be Bill Clinton’s big night but I have a feeling yet again the smart lady of the evening will be the one to steal the show. Instead of drinking every time that health care or Bin Laden is mentioned, I’ll be eating a piece of British chocolate mostly because I’m working on my late era Jim Morrison look. You can drink every time I mention lizards and expose my penis this evening.
7:06 - They have a lady on stage actually praising Planned Parenthood? You’re democrats, aren’t you supposed to only support that organization when you’re whispering around scented candles in your safe room and then when the Republicans shit all over it you sheepishly duck out of the room? I thought I knew you, donkey!
7:10 - Oh that’s right, they like to talk about how tough they are on reproductive rights to each other meanwhile if you live in a lot of states, you have to plan a roadtrip like you’re following the Grateful Dead just because some dolt wanted to feel the real thing. At least that’s what it says in my baby book.
7:14 - Women are staying with the president, who brought them to this dance. No word yet on if they’re going to let him awkwardly finger them afterward before they go home and eat some cereal while watching an old That ’70s Show rerun.
7:16 - This is Ann Richards’ daughter? I’ll be damned. There’s a lot of love for her here in Charlotte much like in the same way they showed it for Julian Castro last night. Is that a southern thing? Here’s Steny Hoyer to defray some of that pesky enthusiasm.
7:19 - We’re going to revitalize manufacturing in America according to Hoyer. Is he volunteering to let Asian slaves make every item in our house in Ohio because that might make them even more depressed. Oh wait, he’s from Maryland. Damn, doesn’t work with that. Curse you, Hoyer!
7:22 - Steny, Steny…ixnay on the obsjay reationcray.
7:24 - Don’t you love it when the democrats call out republican candidates that voted for Iraq as if the majority of them didn’t grab their ankles at the same time and say, “Well surely Bush and Cheney can’t fuck it up too bad.”?
7:30 - Sorry, I had to dry some clothes. What did I miss? A Vietnam vet just got done speaking who seemed like the kind of character that isn’t allowed to speak at these things anymore because of having one of those crazy unique personalities. How do you think Harry Reid has lasted so long?
7:34 - I have nothing to say about Eric Shinseki, but he just spoke. Didn’t much care for his tie I guess.
7:37 - John Hickenlooper might be the biggest nerd that I’ve seen on this stage so far this week. I’m just waiting for him to snort while he laughs at one of these jokes and then accidentally starts describing his World of Warcraft character attributes.
7:42 - “As another skinny democrat with a funny last name…” - John Hickenlooper. Somewhere James K. Polk is wondering if he qualifies.
7:45 - After listening to Sister Simone talk for a bit can we just have the women be the only ones to speak at this thing? There would be far less groans from me.
7:48 - Notice how when they have speakers who aren’t politicians the audience actually connects with them and it’s almost like there’s real communication going on?
7:49 - Sister Simone was one of the least churchy speakers so far. She’s probably in the back now telling God to step his fuckin’ shit up if he wants to keep up with her ass.
7:50 - “I am privileged to be the governor of Deleware” - Jack Markell. Why is it that the second before he said that a little red dot appeared right between his eyes?
7:54 - If I were placing Jack Markell on the charisma scale he would be in between Al Gore and Tom Vilsack. Why do I feel like Dennis Miller now?
7:57 - Seriously, was this guy a former vice principle at a junior high school? Can we send him to be one now?
7:59 - The Small Business Administration Administrator is at the podium, so I’ll bet you’re sorry now that you just took the Sunday Times into the bathroom, aren’t you? Oh well, your loss. Guess you’ll just have to overhear the juicy details about changes to the Short Term Disability Act from in there!
8:01 - MItt, I think we have found a woman robotic enough for you. Just be sure you and Karen Mills use plenty of oil, we don’t want the two of you to rust now do we?
8:02 - Another video is starting and this one is about…small business! Time for me to go get a drink that probably came from a company that would crush this guy’s business if they were aware that it existed.
8:05 - Why is small business all about brewers all of the sudden? Are the adult baseball card collectors going to be heard from next?
8:07 - God this is boring. I remember it always being dull in the past, but this convention so far seems to be lacking all of the raw meat eating and foaming at the mouth that the crowd seemed to have had in years past. Is it because the delegates can’t afford the trashy liquor this year?
8:09 - What is this “middle class” the lady speaks of? Is that what the kids read about in their history books when your parents saw you before 9:30 at night on a goddamn Wednesday?
8:13 - Another video? Oh this one’s about immigration. Lou Dobbs erection he had while watching Kamala Harris just deflated like a balloon you accidentally stabbed with your idea pencil.
8:17 - I have never heard of Cristina Saralegui but I hope this doesn’t start some sort of precedent of talk show hosts speaking because I can’t handle seeing Jay Leno ride in on a motorcycle and asking the delegates how many people are in the Senate.
8:20 - Gotta go get my clothes out of the dryer. Let me know what kind of desk piece this lady does.
8:28 - I’m back and for some reason the CarMax guy is speaking because the democrats apparently need someone to speak for them who runs a place that you go to when you’ve run out of options and you figure you’ll just get something to last you 2 more months.
8:33 - It’s time for car talk or what’s known as no one mentioning anything about public transportation and it’s desperate need for revitalization. Oh well, at least cars now are getting 32mpg instead 29!
8:37 - Saving the auto industry wasn’t popular and easy? Yeah, I’m sure Americans would’ve just been fine with their SUVs disappearing like their waist size being in the 30s.
8:40 - Are we sure that Bob King isn’t Bill Hader? I guess not because I’ve slipped into a coma watching him speak 4 times already.
8:43 - So let me get this straight: the democrats are actually touting a woman’s right to choose and strong unions? Since this is “things we actually used to stand for” night then I’ll just hold my breath here and wait for gun control to be brought up….as;lkdfl; a….opgl jkhvio;dhksjha ….a;lsdkfja;sdboab;ldjsf. Now I need to go de-purple my face.
8:46 - Lower the microphone to your mouth, Cindy. I really want to pay attention to what you’re saying but you look like Shirley Temple giving a toast at the Elk’s lodge.
8:52 - Who’s in charge of the interstitial music? Rihanna isn’t exactly the best segue into the stuffy white guy who more than likely just got done sucking off a lobbyist from Time Warner in his dressing room.
8:55 - Where are all of the all stars of the Democratic Party? This so far has mostly been the people who would agree to be on Dancing With The Stars. I thought I saw Barney Frank on the schedule for tonight. Where are all those guys? Probably fundraising or eating Funyuns or some shit.
9:00 - It’s Sandra Fluke who was too busy slutting it up all over town to get here any earlier. Risky choice on wearing a dress as one of her 58 Nuva rings might slip out onto the floor while she speaks. You have to put in a new ring for every time you have sex according to my man Rush’s diary.
9:05 - If you switch over to the Fox News feed right now instead of the image of Sandra Fluke on screen, she’s been replaced with a throbbing clitoris while Barry White plays quietly in the background.
9:08 - The CEO of Costco now? If everyone looks under their seats will they get free tube socks? I’m looking forward to the CEO of Dave & Busters to come out later and give the keynote.
9:11 - Is this guy as dynamic at his company’s annual conference? Because I would love to stream that next year to get a taste of his soaring rhetoric and personal charm and if not, I could get some tips on which decaf teas go down the smoothest at 8:30PM.
9:13 - You’re still talking and yet somehow I haven’t seen a white light yet. Let’s fix one of these things as soon as possible.
9:15 - “Costco’s story is the American story” - Jim Sinegal. Well, they are both places where you can get big ass TVs and slices of pizza for way too cheap.
9:15 - Here we go, Elizabeth Warren. The building just woke up along with my eyelids.
9:16 - Bill Clinton married one of the coolest women on the planet? When did he marry Rosalind Russell in His Girl Friday?
9:19 - Why isn’t Bill Clinton opening for Elizbeth Warren? Hearing Clinton speak at one of these again is like hearing the Stones play “Ruby Tuesday” again.
9:21 - “We celebrate success. We just don’t want the game to be rigged.” That should be a theme of one of these nights or hell, the whole damn campaign. Not that “Forward” isn’t visionary…
9:24 - “The Republican vision is clear: ‘I got mine. You’re on you’re own.’” Isn’t that what it says on their t-shirts?
9:24 - Holy shit, she just said that corporations aren’t people. I don’t know that I’ve heard any democrat actually say that out loud over the last two years. Look for the Republicans to bring back a hologram Joe McCarthy tomorrow to make accusations about her.
9:28 - I need some more E. Warren content on here. Anyone have any tapes of her rap battles down by the railroad tracks?
9:31 - Well that certainly whipped them into a frenzy. I’m sure their reception of Bill Clinton will be very calm and half of them will run out for a nacho run.
9:32 - No, not yet another montage of 1992 set to Fleetwood fucking Mac. Why not mix it up with “Brick House” or something?
9:34 - Now watch Clinton pretend that he did everything short of drawing horns on Obama’s face four years ago to sabotage his campaign. It’s too bad he has no real history of pretending.
9:37 - “After last night, I want a man who had the good sense to marry Michelle Obama.” You didn’t realize that until last night? What was she doing before? Sitting at home in track pants laughing at Mike & Molly while chewing Combos with her mouth open?
9:38 - “We democrats believe in a strong middle class.” Really? Did you believe that when you repealed Glass-Steagall or when a good number of you voted for the Bush tax cuts? I guess it’s easy to believe things like me believing that this night will end at some point.
9:46 - Clinton seems to have lost his passive aggressive touch when it comes to Obama or at least has figured out a way to publicly embrace him without any residual vitriol spilling over.
9:49 - Clinton has this ability to speak to crowds as if he’s teaching them but without being condescending. Sorry if I just blew your mind with that really original insight. I know that’s probably never been said before. Hey, have you ever noticed how gasoline kind of smells good?
9:51 - Those pesky financial regulations? Big talk coming from the guy who actually did find them pesky and helped get us into this mess in the first place. What’s next? Is he going to say, “And then some jagoff put in place the really dumb compromise of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”?
9:57 - Whoa, Mr. NAFTA is talking about manufacturing jobs increasing? People always talked about Clinton’s penis but I think it’s his balls that are more outlandish.
10:00 - “The old economy is not coming back and we have to build a new one.” Good thing to remember, but I can still be wasting time on the internet for a majority of the day in the new one too, right?
10:06 - This is the first speech that dove head first into policy details which the crowd is eating up with a spoon. So maybe they could do away with all the generic cheerleading crap tomorrow night and break out some Power Point slides and scones.
10:08 - Bill Clinton is doing what the media couldn’t bother to do: fact checking Paul Ryan’s speech.
10:11 - This guy is a hell of a performer. He somehow has got better at it in his older age, like the opposite of Al Pacino.
10:13 - Clinton should just have a show where he analyzes Republican talking points that came out that week. Not sure how you could work some backup dancers into the show, but when there’s a will there’s a way.
10:16 - Well, arithmetic and saving money on the poor by giving Newt Gingrich his wish of ending welfare but arithmetic is certainly snappier so let’s just go with that.
10:19 - People from Arkansas know that 2+2=4? I thought the answer they gave to that equation was lasagna.
10:22 - “Every single person who has bet against America has lost money.” Not me when I bet against us getting thinner last year. Now to dive into my cash pool.
10:24 - Barack came out for a hug and now is leaving without saying a word. Why the hell didn’t Michelle get the same treatment last night? Did Rahm have him pinned down in the back until Obama guessed what brand of deodorant Rahm uses on his crotch?
10:27 - Antonio Villaraigosa is wrapping things up and now the roll call of the states begin. Who will be the state to say “present” after multiple series of “heres”? My money’s on Idaho.
Up until the end that was the most boring collection of speeches I’ve heard since I time traveled to my own eulogy section of my funeral. They both however contained many mentions of tort reform so go figure. I’m off to bed where I can begin dreaming of Elizabeth Warren knitting me a sensible sweater. Good night.