Matt Payton's Tumble-o-rama

Live Blogging the NBC News Florida Republican Presidential Debate by Matt Payton

Man, it seems like we just had one of these a week ago. Actually there’s been 47 of them since then so I figure I’ll tune into this one to see how far the monkeys have learned to fling their poo at each other. When we last checked in on these boys Mitt Romney was unquestionable front runner. Much like a profitable movie franchise, the people who stand to make the most money off this are going to stretch the ending of this race out as long as possible. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe will make an appearance while Ron Paul talks about how glorious life will be without libraries. 

C-SPAN is showing George Bush’s 1992 State of the Union address right now and it’s interesting to watch. First, he came out and didn’t start off with saying the state of the union is strong but instead made self-deprecating jokes about how his wife was more popular than him and throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. Now he’s bragging about cutting defense spending. So does this mean we’ll be looking back at Rick Santorum in 20 years and chuckle about how he sounds in retrospect? Hopefully our cyborg overlords will allow us to access our history. 

8:01 - I really don’t like Brian Williams. Mostly because he becomes aroused at the smell of his own farts. And either put your glasses down or where them shits, stop playing with them like they’re a stress ball. 

8:04 - Newt Gingrich doesn’t seem to want to bitch slap the moderator in the face this time, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The night is young and that insulin wears off real fast. 

8:06 - Mitt Romney is rightly highlighting the fact that Newt resigned as the Speaker of the House in disgrace. I really have been struggling for the last week to decide which of these two is the more disgusting one. That is a brain teaser if I’ve ever heard one. 

8:09 - Brian Williams just called out Romney for being negative after saying he wouldn’t be even though all Williams has asked about so far is a variation of “Just how much of a dickhead do you think Newt Gingrich really is?” If we were in another time Williams would be hosting a game show. Oh wait, he is!

8:12 - How long before they’ll let Ron Paul talk? I’ll bet somewhere around 9:42 but it will be during a commercial break and he’ll ask if he can refill his bag of beef jerky. 

8:16 - Ron Paul has no plans to run as a third party candidate and I hope he doesn’t rule out the possibility of being a character actor. If Howard Hawks were around today he could put that man to good use. 

8:20 - Romney is bragging about the fact that he doesn’t overpay his taxes. Isn’t that like bragging that your mailman comes to your house no more than once a day?

8:22 - These guys keep talking to each other like they’re bickering but they’re actually agreeing and there’s a bit of camaraderie that comes across but as a surprise to both parties talking. I get a feeling that NBC is trying to suck all of the train wreck excitement that came out last week in South Carolina. 

8:25 - What is this with Rick Santorum making a worthwhile point about being pro-capitalism and supporting the Wall Street bailouts? I can’t handle him not spewing bile when he talks. It’s just too jarring. 

8:29 - Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich keep trying to call each other out. Fat cat fight!

8:30 - Romney is just an annoying gnat in the face of Gingrich which he keeps trying to swat away but keeps accidentally eating. 

8:33 - Why is this so decaffeinated? They’ve somehow made a GOP Presidential debate come across as more dry and nap inducing than a GOP Presidential debate. 

8:34 - Commercial break. I need some Ritalin. 

8:37 - God help us. NBC is live streaming comments people are making on the internet about the debate. What kind of loser comments in real time over the internet to tell people what they think about what they’re watching? How arrogant is that? Wait a second…

8:42 - “Markets have to have regulation to work” - Mitt Romney. If this were South Carolina he would’ve been tarred and feathered by now. What kind of radical, left-wing thing is he going to say next, “Poor people may not be the devil”?

8:45 - Still haven’t seen Brian Williams use those damn glasses he always is holding. Maybe he lost them along with his pride to be working for the fourth estate. 

8:51 - Dumbest answer of the night (so far): “How do you end a war in Afghanistan without talking to the Taliban?”-Brian Williams “By beating them?”-Mitt Romney. Yes, he said it as a question. Simple as that. Thanks, Mitt. Nailed it!

8:54 - Ron Paul thinks it’s utterly foolish to attack Iran at this juncture although he’s dead set on getting us back on the gold standard. Ah, juxtaposition. 

8:58 - Brian Williams has brought people in to help him ask questions. They seem to be involved in a field Williams should check out sometime: journalism. 

9:00 - Rick Santorum does not like Iran. Granted he doesn’t like much in this world, but them he really does not care for. 

9:02 - The female journalist has asked a question about the BP oil spill and like clockwork Santorum has worked the Keystone pipeline into his answer as some sort of energy savior. Now if only he can get sodomy in there he’ll be able to sleep tonight. 

9:04 - These guys think other languages are cute and all but if you don’t speak English then you’ll just learn like that. You can take off from your busy schedule to do that can’t you? 

9:10 - This might be the most boring presidential debate I’ve ever seen. And I go to all the local girl scout chapter’s presidential debates. Somehow Ron Paul always is always in those too. 

9:15 - Don’t get me wrong, that South Carolina crowd last week was abhorrent and it got me fantasizing about having a debate with no crowd at all but this just feels like a high school graduation where the principle tells you to not clap for your brother or not to show emotion of any kind. The screamers are awful and annoying but keeping everyone quiet like they’re McMurphy at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest just feels wrong. 

9:19 - Why the hell are they debating Terri Schiavo? I thought we moved on from that one. Let’s ask them what they thought about the O.J. trial after this, then maybe a moment of silence for the Hindenburg victims. 

9:21 - Do these two newspaper reporters work for a high school paper? Their questions and presentation certainly would make more sense. They totally have to get their story turned into Mrs. Hoover tomorrow by third period or else they won’t get to go to the skate party Wednesday night. 

9:24 - There’s a legitimate question: how come the Bush tax cuts didn’t work? Newt Gingrich answers that by somehow involving 9/11 in the answer and how it helped us from going off a cliff or something. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about but then again I think I’ve been sleep-typing for the last half hour. 

9:30 - According to Mitt Romney raising a family is something you can do to contribute to the soul of conservatism in America. That’s a conservative act apparently. What else is he going to claim? Drinking water? Wearing shirts? Hating Katy Perry?

9:34 - Rick Santorum is going after Romney and Gingrich for supporting old Republican ideas that later on Democrats proposed and the new Republicans reacted with outrage. This could help my theory that Santorum is a 6-year-old boy. 

9:37 - Did Ron Paul just get the biggest applause of the night for saying that following the Constitution will turn us all into conservatives? I heard at least 8 people clapping but that could’ve been a result of them watching Kramer enter Jerry’s kitchen on an old Seinfeld rerun they’re watching on someone’s laptop. 

9:40 - Is it done now? Oh thank the Republican Jesus, i.e the real one. Thank you so much - I’ll never curse the name of Ronald Reagan again. Just get me out of here. Oh wait, my shirt is torn on this rock! Who cares, I’ll replace it later just run!

I now am going to dunk my head into a tub full of bleach. I don’t know why but I know it will provide me more answers than the last hour and forty minutes did. I have to change the channel quickly because Dick Gregory is talking and he makes Brian Williams look like a wise old sage. Let’s meet back here for another debate, shall we? I’m guessing in about 27 minutes or so. 

Live Blogging the Fox News South Carolina GOP Debate by Matt Payton

Huntsman’s out. So I guess if you want to hear from an adult during this thing I suggest you call up your mom and put her on the speaker phone. Brent Baier is trying to pretend that his network wouldn’t call for Martin Luther King Jr.’s head on a stick if he were alive today right now so this is as good of a time as any to get started. 

8:03 - Romney and Gingrich standing next to each other look to me like some sort of joyless Laurel & Hardy. I really want to see them sleep in the same room and Romney wear a nightcap. “Good night, Newt. Good night, Mittens.”

8:07 - When Mitt Romney confesses to a murder I imagine that he’s this matter-of-fact about it. “A poor person looked at me the wrong way so I got a knife, stuck it in his stomach, watched him bleed to death and then had a chicken salad sandwich. What?”

8:10 - Rick Perry is clinging to being in this thing like a turd after a particularly satisfying barbecue meal. I’m pretty sure that’s on one of his lawn signs in Houston. 

8:11 - Romney is running to crack down on cheaters. Better watch your back, Newt. Boom! 

8:12 - The bald guy with a beard who looks like a scrappier and slightly less suicidal Ben Bernanke is going to be getting his head shoved into a toilet later by Rick Perry while Gingrich and Romney hold his body and Ron Paul stands behind them and pretends they’re not going to do it to him afterward. 

8:14 - The hot lady in the blue dress is recognizing that Ron Paul exists. Tomorrow she’ll use this for indie cred in the office and brag about that one time she listened to Arcade Fire while on line at Starbucks. 

8:16 - Oh yeah, Rick Santorum is still around. I completely forgot about that dude. Just like that one guy will soon…what’s his name….oh yeah, America. 

8:18 - Oh shit, Santorum is going to verbally smack a bitch. He’s going to ask his wife later if she saw that part before he confidently has missionary-position sex with her for the 15 seconds in between the end of the local news and when Jay Leno’s monologue starts. 

8:21 - Wait, Romney is against Super PACs and the way these campaigns are financed? Isn’t that like Lex Luthor speaking out against kryptonite?

8:22 - Rick Perry thinks that Romney and Santorum are insiders. His aides haven’t yet informed him that he’s also in the race. His candidacy makes so much more sense now. 

8:24 - Let’s see companies buy advertising time during this: Infiniti (sure, cars for people with money), CSX (never heard of it, don’t care enough to look), Brother printers (to print off pictures of Barack Obama in African tribal garb), ThermaCare (old people’s backs hurt especially when full of hate), some sort of joint medication (same), Bertlitz (it helps you learn a new language I guess - so you can order your gardener around more efficiently). Makes sense. 

8:30 - Romney has that trait that a lot of pastors always did for me: equally boring, cocky, dumb and rage-inducing all at the same time. It’s a talent. 

8:32 - “The state of Texas is under assault from the federal government” - Rick Perry. Man, this guy is as good at stoking Southern paranoia as he is at mixing a stiff drink. Although it seems he’s only had a half dozen tonight which is pretty damn sober for him.

8:34 - I can’t believe I’m saying this but can we hear something from Newt Gingrich now? I want to switch from depression to anger. 

8:36 - I spoke too soon. Newt wants people who collect unemployment insurance to have a mandatory job training program…and that’s it. No details about how that would work or what field or what “business” would run this thing. Maybe someone could get a job to deflate him in the evenings. Nah, that would require way too much training. 

8:41 - What do you think the odds are that Ron Paul at one time had the largest rubber band ball west of the Mississippi?

8:44 - Ron Paul is working hard on building that bridge the utopia that was America pre-1913. I’ll be right back, I just have to go press my favorite malaria outfit. 

8:45 - The crowd is booing the fact that Juan Williams even dares to mention that Mitt Romney has Mexican heritage. How are these buffoons not treated like hecklers at a comedy club? That’s one of the things lacking in the modern GOP: embarrassment. 

8:48 - Rick Santorum thinks all you need to do to avoid poverty is work, graduate high school and get married before having children. I love that work is the first answer. “All you need to do to avoid being a virgin is 1) get laid 2) stop listening to Rush and 3) brush your teeth every once in a while.”

8:51 - Who’s that making a sensible argument about the drug war as it relates to race the prison industrial complex? Ron Paul: ix-nay on the ogic-lay.

8:52 - God, Newt Gingrich is fucking gross. So is this crowd. Cheering for a man who stands by his ignorant and racist statements. Juan Williams seems to actually be trying to hold some of these assholes’ feet to the fire and Newt just goes into detail about his poor-people-should-just-clean-shit-up plan. Fuck him. 

8:55 - “More people have been put on food stamps by Barack Obama that any other president in history” -Newt Gingrich. He found that fact in the same place God sends sinners to live for eternity: his ass. 

9:01 - Ron Paul is being forced to defend his comment about having any respect for international law. In Republican-land that’s like implying you wouldn’t mind if the Pope came on your face.

9:02 - Brent Baier shouldn’t have this job. He should go back to his old job of being the little man that comes in every box of Legos you’ve ever bought. 

9:04 - If Ron Paul keeps making sense in his arguments about our foreign policy Brent Baier is going to start his period and the crowd is going to roast Mr. Paul like a pig on Hawaiian TV specials. 

9:06 - The golden rule is literally booed among the Republican base. The goddamn golden rule! Do these people sit around and watch Leave It Beaver and when Ward tells Wally his moral lesson at the end do they all shout “bullshit!”?

9:12 - Rick Perry is being asked about Turkey still being included in NATO. The thought bubble above his head right now is filled with Smarties candy and a kick line from 1938. 

9:14 - Rick Perry just made a joke about Ron Paul being gonged that was actually somewhat funny. Ron Paul looks perplexed mostly because he hasn’t watched the radiation box since Jack Paar walked off the Tonight Show when he couldn’t tell a joke about a water closet. 

9:16 - Now Ron Paul is pointing out that the Taliban used to be our allies and that Al Qaeda and the Taliban are seperate. Or in other words, he’s tap dancing on his own GOP electability grave. 

9:17 - This crowd, ugh. How bad is it when the candidates are the least disgusting people in the room?

9:18 - The hot lady in the blue dress is so over this. She’s just waiting for Megyn Kelly to go back to her rap career so she can get in there and entertain stoned college kids skipping class. 

9:22 - Isn’t Congress already part-time? What’s next? Is Perry going to suggest that the Post Office have fewer people working the counter when you go in just to send off a simple package and end up going through the whole day’s New York Times on your phone while having to pee like a bastard and then that lady with her awful kids is in front of you and…

9:27 - Only two references to Ronald Reagan this evening by my count. What’s going on guys? Too busy reading The Nation and e-mailing Sean Penn to give The Gipper a shout-out every 30 seconds? Sheesh. 

9:30 - Every time Rick Santorum finishes a rant he has this smug little look on his face that either reads “Nailed it!” or “Is this the face you make after finishing a grown up sentence?”. 

9:33 - No taxes on dividends or capital gains, Newt? While you’re at it why not throw in no sales tax on yachts, scooners and Grey Poupon? 

9:37 - Here come the questions about guns. Gentlemen, get out your tiny, tiny cocks!

9:39 - Only at this debate do you have to answer how many animals you’ve killed in the last few years and if you haven’t you might as well put on a prom dress. 

9:41 - These guys are really threatened by Ron Paul. I’m not sure why since Fox News has done everything but add a digital clown wig to his head. 

9:45 - Newt doesn’t care much for Romney’s Super PAC attack ad against him. Romney is pretending like he doesn’t talk to them and like he has the ability to give a shit. 

9:47 - “We all would like Super PACs to disapear” -Mitt Romney. In a night chop full of it that has to be the biggest load of horseshit South Carolina has ever seen. And they had a horse shitting convention in Charleston last week. 

9:50 - Wait, what is this with Newt Gingrich making a good point about the failure of No Child Left Behind? Surely he’s about to suggest that immigrant kids just learn how to count by how many grapes they can stuff into his mouth, right? He can’t just leave us hanging like this. 

It’s over. Not just the debate but my hope for humanity. I need to wash my ears out with soap after this. I think I’ll listen to something more intelligent and less offensive by putting on my “Bowel Movements 97-00” compilation tape. Goodnight. 

Live Blogging the GOP 2012 Primary Thanksgiving Family Forum Debate

Are you ready for this one? This is the one where they talk about family values and other such things that us mere mortals don’t quite understand. Of course when you’re talking about values having the human butterball made completely out of sludge that is Frank Lutz, things get a bit ridiculous. But at least this isn’t quite as shady as college football! 

4:06 - Have you ever wanted to hear the story of how Michele Bachmann came to the Lord? No? Then I wouldn’t read a paper until she’s out of the race next week.

4:08 - Wow, this marks the first time Rick Perry has sounded eloquent, articulate and sober. He would make a great southern generic pastor. Wait, that’s what he is already. Good show, old man. 

4:09 - “Unlike Islam…” - Rick Santorum. How many times do you think we’ll hear that this afternoon?

4:12 - I’m glad to see Newt Gingrich is still insulted whenever someone with a microphone asks him a question, even when he’s feeding the Jesus people (otherwise known as the GOP base) their manna. Shouldn’t this be the one debate he enjoys? Or at least tolerates until he can get his ass back to the VIP section of Tiffany’s?

4:14 - Frank Lutz wants to know what accounts for the “hostility” directed toward a discussion of this topic. Looks like someone just earned his Fox News Christmas bonus. I hope he enjoys his non-kosher, non-hilal fruitcake!

4:17 - People of faith apparently have been intimated by the people of non-faith. So does that mean we have to give up our leather jackets and rolling our cigarettes up in the sleeves of our white t-shirts? Because I still just prefer the look. 

4:20 - For a ostensible positive, “spiritual”, touchy-feely event this has already turned into an us v. them fest. The persecution complex of these people knows no bounds, just like their knowledge of how the modern world works. 

4:23 - As much of a fuckwad that Rick Santorum and Rick Perry sound like during this thing the truly most disgusting person here is Frank Lutz. He’s the only here I want to see end up homeless which would then be ironic as he would be told to pull himself up by his bootstraps because one of his polls said that plays better in the plains states. 

4:24 - “You’re even allowed to be an atheist” - Ron Paul. There’s your libertarian candidate, folks. 

4:28 - For as much as the GOP seems to be against everything Islam stands for they certainly both place martyrdom next to godliness. 

4:30 - I could have misheard but according to Ron Paul, poor people who are stuck in poverty should meet the consequences of their terrible poor decisions and not ask for the government for help. This could become a good debate since based on this rhetoric they should spend a good 30 minutes bashing that Jesus character. 

4:33 - Rick “we’re sitting down, I don’t need no stinkin’ tie” Santorum has mentioned a book he has written in at least 3 answers now. I guess he figures he’s already riding the shit slide down to the bottom so he might as well hawk his snake oil on the way down so he can buy some sarsaparilla when he gets there. 

4:35 - Newt Gingrich’s failure to comprehend the message of Occupy Wall Street is maddening not to mention ignorant. I realize that they didn’t pay for the private park they were protesting in, but he seems to be insinuating that they don’t pay for any parks because they are dirty, lazy hippies and pay no taxes. Unlike the fine, upstanding citizens like GE. 

4:41 - Oh isn’t that cute? Rick Perry just referenced his fuck-up in the MSNBC debate. Ha ha! “I’m a dumbass, it’s kind of my thing” Guffaw! “I just spout out bullshit catchphrases and talking points that have no meaning whatsoever because that’s what people like Frank Lutz have taught us to do” Tee hee! “You should just be glad I remembered to wear pants to this goddamn thing because I’m two sheets to the motherfuckin’ wind at this point” Stop it - you’re killing us!

4:45 - Oh, Rick Santorum. Why even bother comparing gay marriage to slavery? What really comes of it? You know you’re just going to get your ass hammered on the internet on Monday. Not that you support ass hammering of any kind. Nope. Never. Not even on the nights when he’s out on the road all by himself with no one to keep him company except for that strapping 24-year-old aid working on his campaign who looks quite dashing in a blue sweater.  

4:47 - You can only watch this debate online so if you’re doing that for some god forsaken reason you’ll notice that they seated Ron Paul at the head of the table so he’s facing everyone sideways the entire time. I’m guessing the debate people originally had him sitting outside in the parking lot at first and he negotiated himself to practically the kids table by using some good old fashioned Texas moxie. 

4:51 - According to Michele Bachmann every human being is created in the image of God. Man, he must be one ugly bastard then. Have you seen some people out there? And they all look like him? Does that mean he has 14 billion nipples?

4:53 - In case you were unaware, these people do not like abortion one bit. What do you think the odds of them bringing up the fact that Mississippi, one of the most red states around, rejected the personhood amendment last week? Same odds that Newt Ginrich might connect emotionally tonight with someone who loves him? You’d be right!

4:57 - Just so you know, Newt Ginrich thinks traditional values means not inviting gays and lesbians to adopt tons of needy children who could use a loving home. How many non-straight, non-white, non-males want to live in Gringrich’s ideal world? Anybody? Anybody at all. Just a simple show of hands. OK, I’m going to assume all of your arms are asleep. Moving on…

5:01 - Whoa - a gallon of gas was $1.79 on the day Barack Obama took office? Where the hell was that, Ms. Bachmann? Oh wait, she’s thinking of how much Marcus Bachmann charged to guzzle a gallon of sperm while being tickled by a boa feather. Considering the inflation to his prices since then I’d say that’s a steal. 

5:04 - Frank Lutz has given them all a five minute break so they can prepare to be asked about their own sins and why they believe what they believe. I’m going to take advantage of this time by going ahead and dying my hair gray now so I can save my nerves the trouble of doing it to my follicles during this abomination. 

5:10 - I just realized that this thing is at a fuckin’ church. Maybe that’s why they have seemed the most natural and at ease here than in any environment we’ve seen them all so far. 

5:12 - Herman Cain is getting choked up about talking about his cancer diagnosis. This is the first time I’ve seen him be real. I like it. If he works a 9-9-9 reference into this goddamn story I will personally kick him in the balls. 

5:15 - Rick Perry’s sense of right and wrong was shaped by his experience as a boy in 4-H which he failed to mention is administered by the Department of Agriculture. So maybe that was the third agency he was intentionally blanking on. 

5:16 - Perry’s use of the phrase “the Lord Jesus Christ” was eerily perfect for this crowd and immediately took me back to my Christian school days. I flashed back so hard there for a second I stopped listening to what he was talking about and started to wonder what the Hostess product situation in the vending machine was. 

5:20 - Ron Paul’s personal history involved hardly any Jesus talk and made me feel the most comfortable and intrigued. He’s the guy at the Thanksgiving table I’d like to sit next to because I think his asides and stories would be the most interesting but if he were president I’d sleep with one eye open. 

5:24 - The way Rick Santorum answers his questions is like he knows he’s simply coughing up bile but this is all he’s got and if he doesn’t go through with this the bomb that’s been planted inside of him might go off like he’s the bus in Speed.

5:29 - You know how that gaffe of Rick Perry’s at the CNBC debate ruined him and turned someone who was already irrelevant into a bigger joke? This Rick Santorum baby story is the opposite of that. This crowd is riveted. And so am I quite frankly. But now that he’s cynically worked that whole routine into a health care jibe I would just like to invite him to fuck himself. 

5:32 - Newt is going to get into the near death baby story tell off too. This is turning into some sort of thinly veiled anti-choice Def Poetry Jam. 

5:34 - Oh and Newt pretending to get choked up is about as believable as Frank Lutz having a salad for dinner tonight before going home to his loving wife and not a $9 hooker. 

5:38 - Newt has caused a great deal of pain in the lives of others. So he’s either talking about the 2 wives he left for other women or the thousands of people who have sat in an enclosed space while sounds have come out of his bullshit-lined mouth. 

5:41 - Ron Paul’s personal flaw is that he was a good athlete as a teenager and injured himself so he couldn’t go on to greatness in track, football and/or baseball. Oh yes, and his penis is just too damn enormous. 

5:44 - This is turning into an exercise in humility. Herman Cain’s flaw is that he was just so stinkin’ successful during his life making money and thinking of innovative tax plans that he didn’t have enough time at home to make his maid feel uncomfortable. 

5:45 - Rick Perry’s new strategy can be summed up thusly: “Fuck it: I’m a moron with enough charm to make you laugh for a few seconds before one of these other people talk about substance*.”    

*substance a relative word in this world

5:49 - Does anyone know Rick Santorum’s view on abortion and gay marriage? I can’t really seem to get a clear view from him on these things because he’s so nuanced about it. Plus he doesn’t seem to want to talk about them very much. I wish we could get a little more out of him on the subject. 

5:52 - Michele Bachmann will get behind the DOMA law. No word yet on what her husband will get behind…you know the rest. 

5:53 - Why does Frank Luntz keep leaving his asinine questions to the candidates with his constant, “Anyone?” It’s your job to make these fuckers answer the questions that you wrote, dipshit! Why are you such a shit?

5:55 - Newt Gingrich just made sure that happiness in the 18th century didn’t mean what the humans nowadays think it involves. So join up with the Gingrich 2012 campaign today: Happiness Without Joy!

5:57 - Two hours in and we have the first mention of a flat tax rate by Rick Perry. So you could sit through this thing with your skin crawling but in a different direction than it usually does with this ass clowns. 

5:59 - Rick Santorum’s rejection of birth control qualifies him to wield expertise on the subject of education. I’m not making that up. 

6:02 - Why isn’t this over with yet? I have a strange urge to get out of the house and marry a man, abort a fetus and wear non-pleated pants. 

6:04 - What the hell is this? Frank Lutz is asking a complex question about the morality of killing in a war? Frank, do you not know who you are? No one would really bat an eye if you started flinging your excrement on the walls. I’m sure that instead of peanuts it would contain chunks of poll numbers and shame. 

6:07 - Michele Bachmann: “The number one duty of the president is to protect the public*.”           

*Not applicable if their safety is impeded by health, poverty, discrimination, religious persecution (except Christians, of course who are constantly being persecuted in America) or sexual orientation. 

6:12 - I was about to compliment Rick Santorum for making sense and having a reasonable point about our relationship to the Middle East but then he has to go and keep talking so we’ll be returning to shitting on him, which I’m guessing he’s really into. 

6:16 - Tough talk about Iran. But you have to come across that way when you’re a newbie or else you end up being traded for cigarettes which Frank Lutz will then smoke as he eats raw beef in his hotel bed while watching Weekend At Bernie’s for the 34th time. 

I just aged 13 years in 2 hours and 15 minutes. For the love of God do not let Frank Lutz ever do anything again that involves talking or thinking. If anyone else sat through that thing and isn’t already halfway to Canada by now, let me know what you think then let me know that you’re not some sort of cyborg here to deplete us of our natural resources and Gatorade. 

Live Blogging the CNBC GOP Debate in Michigan by Matt Payton

It’s been a while since I’ve done this so forgive me if I’m rusty. Is the race at this point against Teddy Kennedy and Jimmy Carter again? Sorry, I saw Newt Gingrich on the roster so I just assumed all the political corpses were available for reanimation. This will be the first debate I’ve actually watched this year so bear with me while you see my innocence raped by a metaphorical panda. Let’s get this live-blogging started!

7:03 - Herman Cain, Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman seemed to get the most applause when they were being introduced. What does that mean? Oh nevermind - Jim Cramer is going to be asking some questions. No need to look for meaning during any of these proceedings. 

7:05 - The sexual tension between Herman Cain and the attractive CNBC lady is palpable. And by palpable I mean greasy and hard to digest. Just like Godfather’s Pizza - bang zoom!

7:08 - Jim Cramer: “I’m on the front lines of the stock market.” Am I the only one who just now found out he’s still on the air? I thought he was working at a Subway and the sandwich he specialized in was a rage & spittle combo. 

7:11 - Jon Hunstman speaking out against “too big to fail” banks got the type of reluctant applause that a Miss America contestant gets when they mention world hunger. Come to think of it, Jon Huntsman would spend his time more wisely in the Miss America pageant than this. It certainly would be more dignified. 

7:13 - Ah shit! Here comes the union bashing - spit your wicked rhymes, Romney! I’m talking about the literal meaning of the word wicked there. 

7:14 - Mitt Romney’s been married to the same woman, gone to the same church and had the same job for a long time. So vote for the guy who sticks with his first option!

7:16 - Newt just suggested Ben Bernanke being fired and the crowd goes nuts. I’m guessing it’s because Bernanke keeps cutting Newt’s hair to glue on his face.

7:19 - “We’re getting our hat handed to us in terms of jobs” - Rick Santorum. I believe the word you’re looking for is ass, not hat. Of course we can all understand why you’d want to distance yourself from the ass. 

7:21 - The audience is booing a question about Herman Cain’s alleged sexual harassment. This should be celebrated - the first GOP debate audience boo that’s justified! I assume they’ll make up for it soon by booing George Washington giving Uncle Sam a handjob while Jesus watches. 

7:23 - CNBC bland guy: “I’m going to move back to the economy.” The crowd goes nuts. Do they know they’re at a GOP debate? I thought these were the crowds who threw tomatoes at homeless pregnant ladies. Have cable news clips been lying to me?!

7:25 - This crowd is so polite to Huntsman. Every time he says something sensible they pause for about 2 seconds and then realize there are cameras in the room so they better clap. 

7:28 - Why the hell is Jim Cramer allowed to ask questions? We get it, you like Milton Friedman. You don’t have to slip it into a question. “Ronald Reagan who was the second coming of Christ once said that he liked jellybeans. Would you keep them on your desk in the Oval Office?”

7:32 - Here we go with the 9-9-9 plan again. It’s like he’s forcing it on us when we’re not interested. In the stairwell. When everyone’s at lunch. No one’s around, you don’t have to tell anyone. It certainly might help a promotion come down the pike. Eh? Eh?

7:34 - “The Obama economy has really crushed the middle class” - Mitt Romney. Yeah, because before he came along the middle class were sending their kids to college while only one parent had to work and they had benefits coming out of their asses. Remember when none of us had any debt and union wages back in 2008?

7:36 - Hey, they’re letting Ron Paul talk for the second time! If he’s lucky they might let him wear home his suit tonight instead of stripping him 5 seconds after the cameras turn off and he has to walk home wearing underwear that looks like what The Three Amigos wore when they were fired. 

7:37 - Ron Paul was just talking about how the elderly get screwed when interest rates are so low. I know this is true because my grandma has been telling me that for the last 10 years. You’d think just based on the fact that the old people vote more than anyone that this would get brought up a lot more but I don’t think I’ve heard another candidate ever talk about the negative effects of low interest rates. (Insert joke here)

7:40 - They have commercials during these things? Is this sponsored by fear and resentment?

7:43 - Whenever Newt Gingrich talks about a subject he does it in such a way that he’s annoyed that he hasn’t been asked this already. Or that you don’t know the answer to his question already. He seems exasperated to have to explain himself and if you’re not on board you’re a dummy. 

7:46 - We don’t have negative housing numbers down in Texas says Rick Perry. Come on down and he’ll show you a good time. My god, Josh Brolin really played the wrong Texas governor. The resemblance Perry and Brolin is uncanny. Are we sure Perry wasn’t in The Goonies?

7:49 - Newt Gingrich has been confused if the question was directed at him two separate times now. I guess if my voice sounded like that I would do everything in my power to puncture my eardrum too. 

7:53 - Wow, Huntsman is now proposing that the astronomical growth of Goldman Sachs since the 1990s wasn’t good for the public. Is he looking to be Perry’s running mate or Obama’s?

7:56 - Herman Cain just referred to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy.” I believe that was also Romney’s locker room nickname circa 1960. 

7:59 - Newt Gingrich has such disdain for cable news people asking him the questions and for this whole process. So you see - he does have some admirable qualities!

8:00 - Oh yeah, Michelle Bachmann - remember when she was a thing? She was like planking. Ridiculous, annoying and something only idiots were interested in. 

8:02 - For a group of people known for being against everything Bill Clinton stood for, they sure do refer back to the 1990s as some sort of economic Plato’s Retreat a lot. I look forward to the GOP revisionist history that makes Reagan elected president in 1992. 

8:04 - Romney was just given credit for his health insurance mandate in MA. He responded by looking like he just got caught with his penis inside of a troll under a bridge and spouting, “Well, the people, the people…”

8:06 - Oh isn’t that cute? The anchors are trying to be funny by referring to the way they’ve systematically lowered the discourse of these debates to a 7-year-old comprehension level and an even lower attention span. These guys are hilarious!

8:12 - We’re back from another commerical break and Rick Santorum is getting asked a question. Mr. Rick Santorum. Santorum, Rick. R. Santorum. You know, whatever you want to call Santorum. 

8:14 - Mitt Romney just made a joke! And it was pulled off somewhat well! You could practically see him saying to himself, “Ha! I made it through the humor hoop! My campaign manager is going to program a steak dinner into my circuits tonight for dinner before he shuts me down.”

8:16 - Rick Perry just forgot the third of three departments he would eliminate and everyone had a good laugh. The anchor then gives him another chance to remember and he can’t. So all you have to do to mess with Texas is ask it to explain itself. 

8:18 - 9-9-9 is turning into Herman Cain’s catchphrase. I guess that beats Newt Gingrich’s, “What a ridiculous question.”

8:23 - I will give Michelle Bachmann this: she doesn’t seem to be chasing ratings. Like Ron Paul, she sticks to her unfortunate ideas as unpopular as opposing the payroll tax cut is, she doesn’t seem to be afraid of being booed. I mean she’s used to it in the bedroom due to a lack of her penis so GOP voters can’t scare her. 

8:26 - Jon Huntsman is really banking on the rational Republicans to come out for him. While everyone else is blowing Reagan is he over in the corner twisting Eisenhower’s nipples?

8:30 - Newt Gingrich wants you to take more classes per semester at college and work a job while you’re at it. He then wants you to go to a younger, more attractive college during your sophmore year and leave the old college while it’s in the hospital. I think this was what he saying that works at the College of the Ozarks.

8:33 - Time for another commercial break here and I have to ask: does anyone actually gain any insight toward who they’re going to vote for during these things? Do you really watch this thinking, “You know, I’ve been a Michelle Bachmann guy up until now but I think I’m gonna go with Ron Paul instead”? Because if you actually learn anything from these debates you should probably check into Bellevue or at the very least put on some pants. 

8:37 - You know how if you repeat a gag enough times it loses its humor but then if you do it some more if comes back around to being funny again? Yeah, 9-9-9 doesn’t work that way, Herman Cain. 

8:42 - Bland CNBC anchor dude is trying to stir up some conflict between Romney and Huntsman and it’s not working. Jesus, just go write a soap opera and bring some adults to appear on these networks. You’ll like it better, granted it might be a little too classy for you at first but you’ll learn how to be more subtle about the product placement. 

8:46 - Jim Cramer is screaming at Herman Cain about Wall St. corruption that was happening before the economic collapse. Cain handled him pretty smoothly and a lot more calmly than Newt, Ron or Rick would. Hey, why do I want to let him touch my boobs all the sudden? Ooooooh, that’s how he does it. 

8:49 - Ron Paul is speaking out against crony capitalism vs. healthy capitalism. It gets the lowest amount of applause I’ve heard all night. 

8:50 - And they wrapped it up in about 6 seconds like they remembered their parents were coming home early after leaving them home alone for the weekend and they have to clean all the cigarette stains out of the carpet in the next 25 minutes. I’d do the same thing if I saw Chris Matthews coming my way. 

That was a debate, all right. They certainly stood at podiums and talked about things that people who are running for office talk about. They talked for two hours but I don’t think I could tell you issues that they addressed outside of housing and jobs in a very general, all-over-the-place sense. Oh Lord, now CNBC is having some sort of post-game analysis where the anchor at the desk is wearing one of those microphones that attaches to your ear. I’m getting out of this motherfucker before he launches into a Backstreet Boys song. See ya later!

“Live” Blogging the 2011 State Of The Union Address: The Day After

This will probably be on and off all day because I’m going to try this at work while I’m manually numbering course material pages with a pen so the time stamps aren’t going to make any sense. You’d think a law school would have a better way of doing such tasks, but I still haven’t found a goddamn water cooler up in this bitch yet!

9:57 - He just welcomed John Boehner as the new Speaker of the House. No tears, just like the shampoo that orange motherfucker uses!

10:00 - I’m watching the video here, so I can’t see the Republicans and Democrats sitting together picking at each other’s scalps like monkeys. 

10:05 - Obama is appealing to the bipartisanship of Congress to look past election and get something done. Someone needs to give this guy the “know your audience” speech. 

10:07 - Just saw everyone clap at Obama’s plea to work for the American people. That was actually kind of cool. OK, back to being an ass. 

10:10 - “There was a time when your competition for a job downtown was limited to your neighbors.” I have a feeling that corporations aren’t going to get called out for their love of slave labor, but I never underestimate Obama’s ability to talk a good game. 

10:13 - This has nothing to do with what’s going on in the speech, but I just realized that Wall Street is like a group of televangelists - they always need money for their Lord. 

10:21 - “China’s kicking our ass, but don’t worry we’re still way too rich for our own good and have a bunch of shit we don’t need.” *Applause*

10:29 - Everyone just gave a standing ovation for the concept of outdoing all other countries in the world. Next, when he brings up helping the rest of the world catch up he’ll get a few yawns and iPhone glances. 

10:31 - Did Obama just equate Facebook with the Wright brothers? So does Friendster get mentioned with Ben Franklin? 

10:33 - The audience just applauded for clean energy. They’re now being explained what that would actually mean for them and the lobbyists that fellate them. Now I see a lot of scrunched faces that signify a deadly fart. 

10:41 - Wow. John Boehner didn’t applaud for the idea of not giving oil companies billions of dollars. He just sat there like Obama just said he fingered his sister. 

10:46 - Obama’s saying that education begins at home, not at school. The Republicans all clap. Look for them to figure out a way how to twist this into a government take over of your parenting skills tomorrow. 

11:02 - This is an “Ask Jeeves” question, but what the fuck is Race To The Top? Is it another name for teaching to the test? Sorry, any fan of The Wire has a natural skepticism toward school and police statistic-based programs. And an unhealthy love of Wendell Pierce. 

12:09 - Joe Biden just reacted to Obama’s story about the Colorado school like, “Damn, that’s pretty impressive. Can I get a Long Island iced tea?”

12:11 - Science and math is getting a lot of love. I don’t know about you but wouldn’t you like these kids also to learn some fuckin’ history and civics? Hell, I want to learn more of that shit. Typing class, as usual, goes unnoticed again. (I’m not sure that even exists anymore)

12:12 - “We’re also revitalizing America’s community colleges.” They’re still sad, uninspiring places but the vending machines at them will now not only have nacho cheese flavored Doritos, but we’ll make sure the next generation comes of age with some Cool Ranch!

12:15 - John McCain has a look on his face like he just ate too much of that pudding that helps you poo. “I can’t believe I lost to this black guy with that name. I think I should be allowed to call my wife a cunt later tonight, I’m gonna get her on the phone…(falls asleep)”

12:18 - Instead of making fun of airport pat downs can Obama maybe do something about reforming our so-called airport security? Like when he smugly makes fun of marijuana users while wasting tons of money and resources on putting them in jail. He needs to avoid comedy and leave it to the unintentional masters like his predecessor.

12:20 - Yes. Lower that corporate tax rate. They’ve had it hard for too long. Maybe someday they’ll be able to be heard. Perhaps the Supreme Court could help with that. If only they had some friends in this room then maybe things would start to go their way. Oh well.

12:22 - Oh my god, only in this country would the President shit on business regulation after big business was caught stealing from the country. “No officer, don’t put this guy who just robbed my house in jail. He said he was going to come back tomorrow and I have to assume it was to make me waffles and watch Law & Order with me in bed. He’ll be fine. He won’t do it again. He promises!”

12:25 - There’s nothing like people who spent you into oblivion standing up and applauding the idea of the government living within its means. Like when your date rapist applauds sexual harassment awareness training at your workplace.

12:28 - Obama’s calling out the Republicans on their bullshit ideas about reducing the deficit but in a sly, respectful way. This will definitely win them over and inspire them to cooperate on some substantive legislation. At that point Beyoncé will call me and ask if I’ll come over and give comments while she models bikinis for me. 

12:32 - He makes a good argument about the need for government agency reorganization. I doubt anyone in the room would argue him on that point either. Using his logic about being outdated sure could be put to use with the filibuster, the Second Amendment and the electoral college, but I’m not going to get my hopes up about those.

1:03 - Is it me or is John Boehner sitting like he has the hanger still in his shirt because he wants to make sure his whole face stays in the camera shot the whole time? That or he’s just getting antsy for his and Obama’s next smoke break.

1:04 - John McCain just got very excited about earmarks being vetoed. I’m a little confused by this because I assume it means even less will get done in Congress because I’ve never heard of one bill in my lifetime that didn’t have at least some earmarks in it. Maybe McCain just wanted to get some blood flowing down to his legs so he can kick a gay soldier in the kneecaps later. It’s his hobby, I don’t know…

1:07 - Oh yeah, there’s still a war in Afghanistan. Sarah Palin or one of the people who came in or out of her vagina should start talking about it so we can it can get some media attention.

1:11 - Now we’re at the diplomacy part of the speech, AKA the piss break period where concubines are arranged for the after party.

1:13 - Obama just praised the men and women who serve our country. If only that meant more than just serving it with a gun and in countries we’ve invaded.

1:16 - “No one would trade places with any other nation on Earth.” Does Canada count?

1:18 - Here comes Boehner’s tear factory, ironically one of the only factories in the country that has seen an increase in production over the last 30 years.

1:21 - OK, I have to admit this ending is pretty damn strong, inspiring and optimistic. Hold me, John Boehner, hold me in your leathery arms!

I haven’t heard any reaction to this yet today, were the usual people pissed and the other usual people pleased? I’m interested to see how the no earmark thing will manifest itself. Also it seemed that ending DADT deserved more than just a token shout out of recognition, but what can you do? I’m going to get back to praying for this country so I can then pretend like I actually did something useful with my limited resources and ability!

Click below for the live blog archive (sure, I’ll call it that):

http://mattpayton.tumblr.com/tagged/live%20blog

Live Blogging The 2010 State Of The Union Address

What’s more of a relief: to have a guy with a reading level above the 6th grade giving this address for the first time in 8 years, or to not have to stare at Denny Hastert standing behind the president all night? I can’t decide. I know that Nancy Pelosi has been Speaker of the House and got to sit beside Dick Cheney for the last couple of years but the image of Hastert staring off into the distance daydreaming about the 7 Chalupas he’s going to pick up on the way home is what I associate with State of the Union speeches. But even that has to be better than having to watch that dickhead Newt Gingrich occupy that spot before. With every new Speaker you ever-so-slightly improve the level of irritation. Judging by the current path we’re on, I look forward to Madame Speaker Fran Drescher in the year 2025.

Anyway, let’s watch some speechifying:

8:07 - Wouldn’t it be awesome if, after having to shake all of these old Congressman’s hands, Obama would whip out some hand sanitizer at his podium and clean up in front of everyone? Then he could show he was serious about those swine flue prevention tips.

8:10 - Clap clap clappity clap clap. I’m already tapped out.

8:12 - Starting out with some historical context, who does this guy think we are? Next thing you know, he’ll appeal to our human side and not blame all of our problems on Muslims being evil.

8:15 - I don’t think any of us understand why bad behavior on Wall St. is rewarded and Main St. is fucked, not just some of us. OK, we understand it, we’re just pissed off about it. We kind of want you to be too.

8:16 - People are coaching little league? Can towns even afford little league anymore. I assume they’re all in the same financial state that the Mighty Ducks were in before Coach Gordon came along.

8:18 - “We all hated the bank bailout.” Maybe in the same way people hated Avatar: a lot of people hated it but the fucker was so omniscient that it didn’t matter.

8:22 - I’m liking Obama’s casual and conversational tone here. It takes the hubris and pomp out of the whole procedural part of this thing.

8:24 - Retirement funds starting to gain value is like Orson Welles circa 1978 dropping 5 pounds, an encouraging sign I suppose, but far from something to write home about.

8:26 - There are small business owners still making money? I guess Korean rub-and-tug establishments count as small business. That and foreclosure sign shops.

8:28 - Like we need any infrastructure funding…pfft. I was just telling someone today while waiting for the bus forever in the cold while staring at the pothole-riddled road that I hope we stop wasting so much money on our robust American infrastructure.

8:31 - “How long should America put it’s future on hold?” Excellent question and I’m so sick of being told to just grit our teeth and make it through this period or that one. Being in constant “just wait” mode can disillusion a person.

8:33 - “We can’t let the lobbyists win this fight.” Can we let them win any fight? Certainly we have, but I’d be ok if we turned them into the Washington Generals to our Harlem Globetrotters.

8:35 - Don’t applaud clean coal. You might as well applaud a Tooth Fairy reform bill while you’re at it. How can you legislatively pursue something that doesn’t exist?

8:37 - Of course I just said that as he brought up global warming and the flat-earthers started farting in the back.

8:40 - Do you think George W. Bush is watching this or is he flipping between this and reruns of Wings. What am I saying? He went to bed 40 minutes ago.

8:42 - OK, the student debt being lowered if you go into public service thing was a good one. Teddy Kennedy’s giant Irish head would’ve been proud. If that passes they should name it after him or Sergeant Shriver.

8:44 - He’s claiming credit for taking on health care which would be ok if he would’ve taken it more seriously and not left the monkeys in the Senate to poo and masturbate all over it.

8:46 - We haven’t become skeptical of the health care bill because of how long it’s taken. We’ve become skeptical because it’s had so much of it’s teeth removed that it might as well be a hockey goalie.

8:49 - I like that he’s explaining how much Bush and co. took a shit on the economy and spent us into the poor house. The Democrats wanted to start applauding the mere mention of the 2000 surplus and he silenced them. Classy move. I’m expecting a Joe Wilson-like shout at any moment here from the other side.

8:54 - Can someone explain the government spending freeze to me? I don’t know what it means, I don’t understand what will change, I don’t understand how it will be implemented and it’s so vague that it doesn’t register with me.

8:56 - Try some common sense? This is a suggestion that has never been given to me by a politician. By golly, that’s just crazy enough to work! Let’s go…eat donuts? I don’t know.

8:58 - When he just talked about elections being funded by special interests why didn’t we get a shot of the Supreme Court hanging their heads in shame and maybe Anthony Kennedy realizing he was on camera and quickly removing the pistol from his mouth?

9:00 - “What frustrates Americans is a Washington where everyday is Election Day.” No fucking shit!

9:02 - He just told the Democrats to not run for the hills. They are all clapping. “Yes, we have no idea what the fuck we’re doing! Yay for us! We give the Republicans most everything they want! Please keep electing us.”

9:05 - We’re an hour into this thing and terrorism is just now being brought up. Look for Fox News to ignore everything that has come before this and somehow make this their proof that Obama isn’t concerned about terrorism. Of course I hope it drops about 10 notches on his priority list.

9:09 - I wanted to bring this up earlier, but a lot of his jokes and candid moments remind me of when speakers in my high school chapel would try and win points with us in the audience while droning on about how God wants you to kiss him or whatever they were saying.

9:12 - America’s greatest source of stregnth has always been our ideals. Although lately I think that’s been usurped by our stockpile of weapons. Lots and lots of weapons. Of mass destruction come to think of it. And we haven’t shown ourselves to be the most stable owners of them for quite a while.

9:14 - How has there not been an equal pay law already? It’s like discovering one of those town that still have segregated proms. It’s embarrassing and pisses you off.

9:16 - “No wonder there’s so much cynicism out there. No wonder there’s so much disappointment.” At least he seems to get it. Or he at least puts effort into pretending to get it. I do think the 2002 era Obama would’ve been one of the disillusioned ones. I hope he’s elbowing his way in a little bit.

9:21 - Are we just helping the Haitians so they’ll chant “U.S.A! U.S.A.!”? Because you can get that at any truck rally. But if you want that from a foreign country, I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

9:21 - “Thank you and good night. Michelle and I will be over at the Sizzler if you want to chit chat about any of this. Hurry up and get over there for a good seat so you don’t get stuck next to Harry Reid.”

That felt more like a casual and straightforward Obama speech than a Presidential State of the Union speech. I don’t really know if that’s good or bad or what it even means. Turn on the talking blowhards if you want an unenlightened opinion on the matter or if you want to hear about what this means for _____. I’m going to do something much more productive and go drink a Gatorade.

Live Blogging Barack Obama’s Health Care-A-Palooza

As I understand it this is an ABC News exclusive, right? And I think it was last week when Brian Williams and NBC got the “all-access” pass to the White House. I believe next week Katie Couric will perform Mr. Obama’s colonoscopy and make it her screen saver. Get ready to go back to the 8th grade to hear some dumbass questions.

9:02 - I already don’t like this format and I have no idea why. Much like when you walk into a lame work party with great food, there’s just an immediate bad vibe you get like walking into a clan rally and you feel like you’ve made a huge mistake.

9:04 - If I heard this Dr. Tim Johnson talk like that to me while sitting in his office I’d yell into his stethoscope that I’m not fucking 9 and don’t need to be talked to like I am.

9:06 - I hate myself for noticing this, but his hair looks a lot less gray than usual. OK, I’m going to kick my ass now.

9:09 - Diane Sawyer shouldn’t be allowed to ask questions or talk for more than 5 seconds at a time. I find it so odd she’s married to Mike Nichols.

9:11 - He seems to understand the importance of reforming how we pay doctors. I can tell he’s read that New Yorker article about the Mayo Clinic. It would be easy at this point to suggest the advantage of having a president who reads, but I won’t do that.

9:14 - I feel like Diane Sawyer’s questions are written to satisfy people who get their information on this subject from TV news….oh, never mind.

9:16 - Genuine change doesn’t come from government? Dude, you have the majority in both houses, approval ratings, poll numbers that say people want this and the economic crisis that gives us the opportunity to change the shit up. You can do this largely without us. Fuck this reaching across the aisle bullshit on this one. Why reach across when there are alligators there waiting to bite your hand off?

9:19 - There are commercials during this thing? Do we have to pretend to be shocked when a boner pill ad comes on?

9:20 - A McDonald’s commercial during a health care Q&A? Why not show a crack commercial during a poverty discussion?

9:24 - Charlie Gibson wants to ask a question that may sound silly and naive? Get out of town! And he was right - I’m pretty sure that question was written by Rush Limbaugh.

9:26 -  The president of the AMA is talking, I think it would be nice if ABC digitally added flames around his head like that Simpson’s episode with Mayor Quimby.

9:33 - Why do we always have to see a close-up shot of an IV during hospital montages? There’s nothing quite as riveting as water slowly dripping!

9:36 - These end-of-life questions are hard ones to answer. He does seem to grasp how complicated all these issues can be and it’s nice to not have it all written off with easy answers.

9:39 - “We want to use science. We want to use experts.” I don’t know, that sounds pretty elitist to me. Mr. President. I don’t want no fancy book-learnin’, latte-drinkin’, pants-wearin’ coast types tellin’ me that my diabetes is making my ass fat. Can’t I just continue to blame it on the devil?

9:43 - It would be nice if someone brought up Europe and suggest that we steal ideas that have worked for them.

9:45 - A guy just asked about how involved government could get involved in your personal life. Does this man realize the government already does this regarding who you fuck, how you chose to get high and if and how you want to end your life?

9:48 - Charlie looks very annoyed that Barack just outed him as making over $250k a year. It’s probably the first time he’s heard about a salary that low since 1982.

9:50 - Jesus Christ, they’re taking as many commercial breaks as there are during a tied playoff game with 90 seconds to go. Classy, ABC. Couldn’t you have got a company with tons of cash like GM to sponsor this shindig?

9:54 - Just say rich people can pay more taxes than they have been for the last 8 years. Why can’t we just admit this will cost some money?

9:56 - Barack seems to have a passion for this issue and you can tell it’s something he is very knowledgeable about. It probably helps that he sleeps with an incredibly intelligent former hospital executive, but I like that he doesn’t seem to be just pulling all of this out of his ass.

That was a few interesting minutes of a health care discussion framed around tons of commercials. The ratio of content to advertising was equal to the amount of liquid to ice when you order a drink at Sonic without any specifications.

Live Blogging The “1st 100 Days” Presidential News Conference

I got my C-SPAN on and just finished a disappointingly bland frozen pizza, so I guess that means I’m ready? Before we begin I have a little mini-rant for the democrats: now that you have Arlen Specter, you no longer can give us any excuses. Remember when you ran on getting us out of Iraq/trying to stop George W. Bush’s reign of terror in 2006? I do. I also remember you saying you needed to win the presidency after you got in there and failed to do anything significant at all. So we gave you the presidency. Then remember when you put all those tax cuts in the stimulus package and gave away a ton of Republican goodies and they didn’t vote for your bill? And you said you needed a filibuster proof majority to get through major initiatives? Well, you now have that - I will no longer accept any excuses from you. You’ve been given every tool you need to do something and I will no longer accept your stalling. Thank you.

7:03 - Barack Obama just told me to cover my mouth when I cough like my mom only would when we were out in public, when I was at home she let the germs fly. Sadly, that probably won’t change. I’m gross.

7:05 - Yes, we’ve stopped torturing people. The last guy told us that and since apparently there isn’t accountability for people breaking the law, this statement doesn’t mean as much as I wish it did.

7:07 - He just called out the no-bid contracts. That was nice. I haven’t heard anyone talk about those for two years, when Rudy and Hillary were the frontrunners. I’d like to say we’ve come a long way since then, but that really only applies to time.

7:08 - Responding to the swine flu problem based on science? Didn’t George Bush leave him a note telling him you can just pray that shit away?

7:10 - “The Bush administration did a good job.” Damn, that frozen pizza must already be taking its hallucinogenic effects.

7:11 - “If you are sick, stay home.” Yeah, that’s kind of hard when all of our savings has been wiped out and we don’t get hardly any vacation time, materinty leave or sick days. Isn’t that up to…the legistlators? Of course, I’m only speaking for those of us who still have jobs.

7:15 - I just spotted Helen Thomas, based on the quality of questions, should she get to ask about 83% of them and then give chimps live Chuck Todd a few crumbs at the end?

7:16 - Wow, a ballsy question about torture. Serves me right for that last comment.

7:17 - Yes, Barack, everyone is convinced ending torture was the right thing to do. Except Dick Cheney, who’s basically a fictional character anyway. But it’s not really that big of a thing to be proud of, it’s just being a decent human being. Do we really earn a pat on the back for that?

7:19 - OK dude, we all get that you want to end torture. That’s not what we’re all curious about. We want to know if the people who did do it will be punished for it. You know, like everyone else was in the 20th century. Oh here we go…he said it was a mistake for them to do. Well, that didn’t tell us anything. Other than he doesn’t want to talk about it.

7:21 - Oh damn you, Obama. Using nuance and complexity to explain that torture isn’t the only way to get good info. Why must you use your intellect to seduce me? And why are you undressing me with your eyes? My face is up here mister.

7:24 - He’s describing the basic lack of structure and basic deterioration in Pakistan and the need for us to help them and for the first half of his description I didn’t realize he moved on to foreign affairs questions.

7:27 - Is it me or does Obama seem to not enjoy this very much? He talks the way I used to when asked by family members as a teenager how school was going. Also: the dude looks a little orange.

7:32 - He does a good job of calling out Republican stubbornness and pigheadedness while staying classy about doing it. I kind of like it.

7:35 - What’s this? Actually recognizing women are smart enough to think about all the repercussions of abortion themselves without men telling them what to do and not sucking up to religious clergy about it? Sean Hannity is licking his chops.

7:37 - What has humbled him the most about his job? Hey, guy with the glasses- you forgot to ask how his balls are doing and if they need some TLC. I like how Barack kind of made fun of him.

7:40 - He seems to be honest in his answer of the softball question and telling in some of his disillusionment with how things are done. I sense a hint of emotional honesty here. But I could just be optimistic because he isn’t George Bush.

7:44 - Damn: immigration, abortion, torture and Iraq. So how are the press going soft on him exactly? They seem to be asking about actual issues to me for the most part. Oddly enough, it seems like the economy has been forgotten so far. Or maybe I already forgot. I should mention I’m nearing my 93rd birthday.

7:48 - Now he’s being asked about what’s happening in black America. Will this be the first time he’s talked about this subject in a year? Good question. I thought these fuckers were going to be way more embarrassing.

7:52 - Getting a little bored, so South Park is done until the fall right?

7:53 - “I don’t want to run auto companies and banks - I already got two wars to run.” You’d think that would stop all the teabag wackos from shitting in their pants but it won’t. Actually I should have said pissing their pants because of all the tea, but I only think of these things after the fact.

7:57 - Good point. Why would the administration enjoy meddling in the private sector? It sounds like a complicated pain in the ass to me. It does seem to be in best interest of both to move on as quickly as possible. Like after a one-night stand.

Well, that was…a news conference. I would feel better about it if Helen Thomas got to have a say. I’ll have talk about with her later when she calls.

Live Blogging Barack Obama’s Political Message by Matt Payton

Does anyone remember on SNL where Mark McKinney played Steve Forbes and he bought a block of prime time programming just to do it because he was rich and he thought it would help his campaign? Or was it supposed to be Bill Gates? Remember when SNL covered politics that took its source material from other publications besides USA Today? Anyway, that seemed like an outlandish and silly scenario at the time. Now our candidates spending millions of dollars on this shit seems fine to us. Yep, we’ve really evolved.

7:02 - Hey this first woman is from my city! Oh god, why the fuck do I live here?

7:04 - A clip from Obama’s DNC speech - I remember that! God, that feels like 3 years ago now. So far this seems like a very stretched out campaign commercial. I guess that’s what it is. Boy, am I a dummy or what?

7:06 - Do you think Obama is actually being interviewed in these talking head segments or do you think he’s just talking to a naked picture of himself? That’s who I talk to every morning.

7:07 - Oh god, I’m so sick of hearing about Midwestern common sense from people like Kathleen Sebelius. I’ve lived in the Midwest for 27 years and I’ve yet to see it.

7:10 - He wants our fuel efficient cars built here? But I want mine to work and last beyond two years. Oh - he just said we need to change our policy in Iraq. Well, at least he brought that up. Now he just said what a waste of money it’s been. OK, my Obama boner is starting to rear its ugly head.

7:13 - This reality show stylization has really permeated our culture - I keep expecting Obama to build some family a house. Lord knows the media coverage has been on that kind of level.

7:16 - Is it wrong that I’m a little bit of a sucker for stories about Barack’s family and his childhood? His mom seems like a very fascinating and cool person. OK, now I want to kick my own ass.

7:18 - Is it me or is he just as vague about what he’s going to do on various issues as he has been the whole campaign? This has never bothered me about him too much, but I can see it wearing on me after a year or two.

7:19 - That being said, I like his specific criticisms of our health care system and how completely fucked our insurance overlords are.

7:21 - Do these “real American” profiles actually work on anyone? I kind of assume these are all character actors. I think I just spotted Paul Giamatti playing this Ohio dude.

7:24 - Has he brought up the environment yet? It’s very possible I missed it, this interweb thing is very distracting.

7:26: “I will not always be a perfect president. I will always tell you what I think and where I stand.” Our standards have been lowered so far, that you just have to be able to think and complete your sentences to be taken seriously as a candidate in this country.

7:27 - Now a live feed into his speech in Florida! This is a great opportunity for me, I haven’t heard a lot of stump speeches in real time lately!

Well, if you learned or gained anything new from that then I’m very jealous of the coma you’ve been in for the last two years because you haven’t had to listen to all this political shit ad nauseum. I’m with the new guy on the Daily Show - why isn’t this over yet? (And it’s about time someone made fun of all that “Yes We Can” bullshit!)

P.S. After running across this story, I just realized Barack never mentioned John McCain or the republicans during his show, which was nice to not hear the same attacks we’ve heard every day. So kudos for that I guess.

Live Blogging The 3rd 2008 Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

Let’s all get down on our knees and praise our respective gods that this is the last time we have to watch one of these things for four more years. While we’re on our knees let’s ask our media if they want to stick it in any further or if they’d rather we go home and wait for them to call us. On an unrelated note, did Bill Cosby have something to do with Hofstra University? I seem to recall him wearing a sweatshirt of that school on the album cover for Why Is There Air? I have a feeling after hearing these windbags flap their lips for an hour and a half we’ll all be asking ourselves that question.

8:04 - McCain is already talking about short term fixes. Hey, where the fuck is his flag lapel pin? Damnit, now some “liberal” groups are going to make some shitty, ironic-but-not-really attack ads about how he hates America and they’ll think they’re funny and everyone’s going to forward them to you and you’re going to have to resist the urge to send them back some offensive pornography.

8:09 - Is there any point in responding to McCain’s assertion that Obama is going to raise Joe the Plumber’s taxes? Like when someone old in your family starts saying racist shit at Thanksgiving dinner, is there any point in contradicting them and spoiling your chances for pecan pie? Just have him go here.

8:14 - I can’t believe these guys were just asked how it will be possible to pay for all the things they’re promising. And Bob just called Obama out on his BS a bit, damn maybe I can put away my Nyquill I’m drinking for later. Nah, too risky.

8:17 - At least McCain actually has an answer for what he would cut. OK, maybe I spoke to soon he’s now talking about how government spending is out of control. He might go way back to the well about welfare queens out of habit. It’s just old school right-wing talking points, let’s just hope he doesn’t start to talk about the Irish.

8:19 - I don’t like the new Obama strategy on earmarks, by saying that they make up such a small percentage of spending. I agree with it, but it makes him sound like he’s not all that bothered by them. Instead couldn’t he just point out how much pork over the years has been associated with McCain?

8:20 - Wow, McCain just called Obama out on comparing him to Bush. His balls just seemed to crawl out of their hole. And now he’s squandered that by going back to sounding like grandpa about taxes.

8:23 - Obama just gave McCain props for his opposing torture. Please, please point out how he caved on that and sold his soul. No? Good, that’s not a very big issue that will come back to haunt you. Next!

8:24 - McCain really wants to be seen as fighting and angry. He’s certainly accomplishing that.

8:25 - McCain says this has been a tough campaign as if he can’t help but putting him through his sludge machine with his nasty ads. And now he’s blaming it on Obama not doing the town halls with him. I’m pretty sure this is the same reasoning that wife beater uses. “Well, if you would’ve done what I asked you I wouldn’t have had to hit you.”

8:27 - Hey, McCain is calling out Obama on something that he should - not taking the public financing. He really knows he’s losing this race.

8:28 - Really John? You’ve repudiated everyone who has said nasty shit? Isn’t that impossible? Do people like this deserve to even be responded to?

8:32 - Obama just said “tit-for-tat”. Look out tomorrow for people to chastise him for using vulgar language.

8:35 - There he is! ACORN and Ayers both have come out. Hey, aren’t there issues to discuss? Obama, just forward this along to McCain.

8:38 - Whoa, whoa, whoa there Obama…trying to bring the discussion back to issues. I thought we were talking about superficial bullshit. Hey, shouldn’t VH1 be hosting this thing if that’s the case? I’d like to hear Flava Flav’s take on the economy.

8:40 - Bob’s asking about running mates, I’ll bet people dials on CNN are going to plummet like the Dow. I wouldn’t know because I’d rather be wearing a thumb tack tuxedo than watch that horseshit. I’m getting my C-SPAN on! …Me and two other dudes.

8:42 - Joe Biden’s always been on the right side? The dude help start the drug war. Is there a way to justify that? I’m sure some loyal democrat jackass will try to in the upcoming weeks.

8:43 - Sarah Palin understands special needs, which makes sense to me given the retarded campaign she’s been involved in for the last couple months. …So that’s why they picked her - it all makes sense now!

8:45 - “Why do we have to spend more?” I can’t help but think that will play big with their hypothetical Joe Plumber. That is if he hasn’t shot himself in the face yet. I might get there.

8:47 - Did McCain almost just say, “You’re not going to sell our shit…” I swore he almost did. That would’ve been…awesome.

8:50 - What does McCain keep scribbling on his paper? His grocery list? Nude sketches of Sarah Palin? And now he’s rambling about off shore drilling and how necessary it is ASAP. OK, Obama he’s set you up, all you have to do is knock them down. I guess I shouldn’t use a bowling metaphor with him. Damn.

8:54 - Is this debate necessary? Is there anything else to learn about these two boobs? It will be narrowed down to one boob soon. I guess you could say that about all the debates. Does anyone else want to flip over to South Park when it starts in five minutes? They have much more intelligent ideas than what I’ve been hearing.

8:59 - Wow, McCain just brought up obesity. If he alienates that crowd, won’t there be only about 8 Americans left to vote?

9:03 - Obama just gave a detailed and specific analysis about his and McCain’s health care plans where his sounded sane and logical. McCain responded by talking to Joe the Plumber. This is now like some sort of lame SNL character that doesn’t make any goddamn sense and isn’t funny. OK, like every SNL character right now.

9:08 - Is this the first time Supreme Court justices have been brought up in any of these debates? I’ll bet we get some deep discussion about the law here! Yep, the Nyquill has officially kicked in. That would explain all the unicorns in here. Nope, that’s just wallpaper.

9:10 - I’m surprised to hear Obama say clearly that he’s for the decision in Roe v. Wade. I’m so used to him saying things he believes in then having to justify why and explain how he is really moderate about it and try and please everyone with his answer.

9:12 - McCain doesn’t understand how you can vote “present” on big issues. Does he not realize our economy has been collapsing all summer and he hasn’t shown up to vote once since the late spring? Hey John, you’re a senator, you can actually have an influence over our laws that you think are so fucked up.

9:15 - McCain is touting his pro-adoption stance. Mr. Moderator, this is your opportunity to ask about gay couples adopting, and not stick to your goddamn script. Nope, he’s talking about education. Fucker.

9:17 - I found out some information about Joe the Plumber, by the way.

9:18 - Education is the civil rights issue of the 21st century? Really? Aren’t there a whole group of people who aren’t even allowed to get married and be recognized by a lot of states with the basic rights that come along with that? Not to mention all the hate crimes that come their way, and the ignorance, not to mention the assumption that they must all are former contestants on that fucking Project Runway show.

9:23 - Vouchers, I’m still not entirely sure what they are. John McCain just told Obama people want the same choices in education that he and his wife along with the McCains had. Now would be a great time to respond by saying how both Barack and Michelle grew up in quasi-poverty and point out the life of privilege the McCains have had. It seems to me that would kill a lot of the elitism bullshit that has been making the rounds for oh so long.

9:26 - McCain keeps trying to make fun of Obama’s ideas in his responses, but it strikes me as that awkward co-worker who has to slip a lame joke into every back and forth discussion and one person in the group has to eventually give him a courtesy laugh. I think I’m that guy at my work actually. No wonder people throw things at me.

9:30 - I’d love it if Obama right now after talking about how we’ve invited him into our lives for the last 20 months and told him our stories, said “Now shut the fuck up and don’t keep talking to me. Most of you are morons and I’m second guessing whether or not you’re even worthy of someone as classy and smart as me. Ah, fuck it, I’m going to Canada.”

I know it’s too late for the Olympics, but John McCain deserves some kind of medal for just the effort of trying to mask his contempt for this whippersnapper throughout this thing. Did he remind anyone else of Gore in 2000 and all his sighing and smugness? So can we just have the election tomorrow? There’s nothing more to learn or talk about in the next three weeks, not that anything has been learned or substantively discussed during this whole campaign, but still let’s just get it over with. The only thing new that’s going to come out in the next three weeks is some sort of story of Obama raping Santa Claus in 1979 on a cocaine binge and possibly another Palin baby. Good night.

Live Blogging The 2nd 2008 Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

The Graduate is on Turner Classic Movies right now and it’s going to be really painful to have to switch over to yet another televised event where two people give parallel stump speeches while pretending to answer questions of “ordinary Americans.” Wouldn’t it be great if Tom Brokaw told everyone at the beginning of this thing that The Graduate is on and if you have your hopes up about seeing people actually being human you’ll watch that instead of this shit?

8:04 - The first of many, many thank yous. If they make the audience hold their applause until the end can’t they do the same thing with all the thank yous and the backhanded compliments?

8:06 - McCain can barely hide his disdain for Obama in his first two seconds of talking. He seems very bitter, perhaps some flute playing would cheer him up.

8:08 - John McCain says he wants the next treasury secretary to be someone who we can all identify with. I don’t want someone who I can identify with - I don’t want someone who worked on taping all the Seinfeld episodes in order without commercials on VHS. I want someone who is so smarter and better than me that I can’t identify with him or her at all.

8:11 - The best questions so far in any of the “debates” is asked by a young man in a tan suit: How is the bailout going to help people who are struggling? I wonder if his question will be answered. I also wonder if George Bush will say something rather silly tomorrow.

8:15 - Wow, Obama calling McCain out on his lobbyist friends and his inconsistency on deregulation and Obama isn’t even on the defensive. If only there were other issues he could rip McCain apart on…

8:19 - Ray Finkle’s mom from Ace Ventura just asked Obama why we should trust either party with our money and I’m pretty sure I just caught her sniffing glue.

8:21 - McCain calls for us to look at records instead of rhetoric. Is he not aware his record is pretty easily available? I know he doesn’t know how to use the internet yet, but surely he knows we’re not on the Dewey Decimal System still.

8:23 - I think McCain wants to end energy dependence on foreign oil and drill offshore. I think this because he would slip those references into a question about his first kiss.

8:25 - Oh yeah, he’s also a very bi-partisan guy who reaches across party lines. Once he breaks out the “mavericks” I’m going back to The Graduate, I think I can still catch the church scene.

8:27 - Iraq doesn’t make Obama’s top three priorities for his first year in office? I know education is fucked up, but really? It’s not like bad education is being reflected on our vice presidential choices or anything…

8:31 - Oh jesus, why the hell is Obama not making fun of off-shore drilling and instead saying we need it? You don’t have to say that bullshit, McCain’s been on the defensive the whole time, just make fun of that idea and call it short-sided.

8:35 - Where do they get these people for the town hall? Did they just ship them in from a deli line? I just spotted one guy with some salami on his cheek.

8:37 - Listening to McCain talk about taxes is like listening to my dad talk about how he has his TV hooked up to his computer at home. I can’t follow a damn thing he says and I’d be even more scared if I could.

8:40 - Conversely, listening to Obama talk explain his tax plan to McCain is like hearing how an e-mail works explained to my grandparents. “Yes, you just type it in then hit send and it shows up on that person’s screen. I know, it’s like something out of the future. I don’t know what “BCC” means (I don’t want to bother with explaining that one).”

8:43 - Does anyone realize McCain has mentioned Joe Lieberman about 4 times already and not once Palin? It’s almost as if she was forced on him when he wanted droopy dog all along.

8:45 - Obama just used an analogy referencing the invention of the internet, he might need to use more of a McCain-friendly event like perhaps the internal-combustion engine or maybe when masturbation was discovered.

8:47 - Brokaw keeps yelling at these guys for talking too long. Why is the Irving Thalberg award winner held to a less strict standard of talking too long than the potential next leader of the free world?

8:51 - Is it me or is Obama sounding very plain-spoken and direct more than usual? I know the accepted wisdom says he can sound too technocratic and “eggheady”, which I personally don’t understand why that’s a handicap, but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all so far.

8:53 - There’s quite the height difference between these two, eh?

8:54 - McCain keeps trying his little one-liners that feel as awkward as being one of 4 people in an audience at an open-mic night.

8:59 - McCain: “America is the greatest force for good in the history of the world.” I thought it was bite size Snickers.

9:01 - McCain just started getting a boner to talk about foreign policy and Iraq. This is the first time he’s got excited to talk about something so far. If he can work Reagan, being a maverick and a General Petraeus reference in there he might cum in his pants.

9:06 - McCain: “Senator Obama would’ve brought home our troops in defeat.” I’ll do that too, but I’ll have the decency to do it after years and years of putting them through unnecessary hell.

9:09 - Obama’s so confident and clear about foreign policy and all the stupid we’ve been doing in that arena more than I’ve noticed in the past. Better hope McCain has some repugnant attack ads in his slime machine arsenal. I guess that’s like hoping CNN will have a panel of douchebags lined up later for empty post-debate analysis.

9:21 - Hearing McCain chastise Russia for invading Georgia is like listening to Bill Clinton telling John Edwards to respect his marriage. God, I hate myself for bringing that up.

9:23 - Finally! Obama calls out the Republicans for publicly declaring they gave up on finding Bin Laden a long time ago. You’d think he’d be bringing this up on a daily basis. Of course I’m making the huge mistake of applying reason and common sense to the democratic candidate. Now where’s the hammer to hit myself in the temple with?

9:25 - McCain just shook the hand of some Navy guy and went into some military camaraderie there. Fox News, you have your clip to loop over and over tomorrow. Go to bed now.

9:30 - Obama was just asked what he didn’t know and said that Michelle could give us a list of things. Didn’t see that one coming. I wonder if McCain will now say something vaguely self-deprecating yet creepy at the same time.

9:33 - McCain’s answer to what he doesn’t know was that he doesn’t know what will happen, which is allowing him to play on his experience on dealing with the unexpected in the past. As transparent as his answer is I think it was better than Obama’s which he used as an excuse to go into his vague “change” schtick.

9:34 - How soon after shaking these people’s hands do you think these guys hit up the Purell? Are there five dispensers waiting for them backstage or do they just get into a tub of it naked? There’s no other way to wash off the Brokaw stank.

We seemed to have got more substance here tonight than any of the other debates so far that I’ve seen in the primaries or in the last couple weeks. Of course, that’s like Alfred Hitchcock bragging about losing 7 pounds in 1968. Anyway, the Obamas are still shaking people’s hands and talking to them. Haven’t seen the McCains for a while now but Matlock comes on early in Nashville and he needs to soak his feet in some Epson salt so his gout doesn’t act up. Sorry for all the cracks about him being old, that’s pretty cheap but then again this is free. Damn, now TCM is showing Bonnie And Clyde, I’m in 1967 heaven. That’s the film gods’ way of punishing me for wasting my evening on two corporate whores. I’d be pissed if I didn’t deserve it.

Live Blogging The 2008 Vice Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

Oh St. Louis - you have no idea what’s about to rain down upon you. The stupidity, the ignorance, the short-sightedness, the triviality, the low expectations, the stereotyping, the lack of understanding and context, the unprofessionalism….and I’m just talking about CNN’s coverage. Seriously, they have a group of yahoos in a room right now and apparently they just grabbed them from a local shooting range or something and they have these dials where they can, much like chimps, emotionally register what the candidates are saying during the debate so we can know how happy or sad they are based on how many times “freedom” is said. I mean, if you really need that kind of quick, empty and superficial feedback then, well….that’s what live blogging is for. Shit. On with the show.

8:03 - So on C-SPAN the mics were on when the candidates came out and Palin asks Biden if she could call him “Joe”. I actually found it kind of charming. Why do I have a feeling that I won’t think that very much throughout the evening?

8:05 - Biden just hit his first paddle keyword - middle class. Look for this to be mentioned only about 400-500 times more.

8:07 - What’s this? A democrat actually attacking McCain for blabbing on about how the fundamentals of the economy are strong. Next thing you know, he’ll bring up how the surge victory has been over-hyped.

8:10 - Color me impressed, Palin actually said not to live outside your means. I haven’t heard a politician say that during this whole ordeal. A good response for Biden would be that her party has downgraded our means a burlap sack and a Oscar the grouch trash can.

8:11 - Stop saying how McCain is such a good guy. He isn’t going to remember what you say about him when you have to work with him in the Senate months from now. Hell, old people don’t remember what you said about them 2 hours ago, just compliment his grand kids and it will be fine.

8:16 - Approximate “middle class” count: 5.

8:17 - Saying to the government, which last time I checked is made up of the people, “You’re the problem” is patriotic? But tax cuts during two wars is somehow very patriotic? So by this logic Finland must turn her off more than an educated man who drives a car that doesn’t overcompensate for his small penis.

8:23 - Palin: “The nice thing about McCain is that he doesn’t say one thing to one group and another to some other group.” Jerry Falwell couldn’t be reached for comment as he was spinning in his grave thus causing tremors in wherever the hell he’s buried - I assume somewhere in a very tolerant part of the south.

8:27 - Gwen Ifill is getting at something really shitty about Biden - his championing of the bankruptcy bill which was basically a handout to the credit card companies. He should be called out for this. I still say the Biden pick will come back to bite Obama in the ass. Biden might bite it himself. Oh, he’s kinky.

8:30 - “East coast politicians” oohhhhhhh, I’m scared. Hey, am I not mistaken but if it weren’t for east coast politicians wouldn’t we not have a country?

8:32 - She just asked Palin about global warming and if it’s man made and I couldn’t tell you how she answered it if you put a gun to my head. Hey, that’s not a bad idea…

8:33 - Oh god, what the fuck is “clean coal”? How are Palin’s answers sounding more ballsy so far? Can we get Michelle Obama to sub in for this clown? Someone with some goddamn sense.

8:35 - Palin thinks it’s silly that Biden suggested drilling our land for oil is raping the land. I’m waiting for her to explain how she’d charge the land to pay for it’s own rape kit and then keep the oil wells in it for 9 months.

8:36 - Now they’re talking about the gays. This could get interesting. Don’t hold your breath though.

8:38 - So Biden and Obama aren’t for gay marriage and McCain and Palin also are against it. What a great system we have here. All these choices are overwhelming me. Do I want Burger King or McDonald’s? Camels or Marlboros? Coke or Pepsi? Sigh…so it’s still VoteNader.org right?

8:42 - Palin just told Biden that his plan is a white flag of surrender very much like she was talking down to him and putting him in his place. Is it me or is she superficially cleaning his clock right now?

8:43 - OK, stop laughing at her while she shits on you. Get angry. Get angry and use your intelligence against her. It shouldn’t be that hard. My 2.5-year-old niece could do it. This is one of your only jobs.

8:49 - Palin had a good conversation with Henry Kissinger that gave her all the diplomacy tools she needs now from that one photo op they had together. You know, when I was in junior high I had to write a letter to Bill Clinton for a project so I guess I could say I have an insight into the Somalia crisis which was happening at the time since ol’ Slick Willie and I had a back and forth.

8:52 - Biden, yet again, on the defensive. This time about who can out pro-Israel the other one. How big is his Jewish bracelet do you think? He’ll probably tell us soon. Oh well…there’s not a new Office on tonight is there?

8:54 - Oh my god, she’s even taking him to task for obsessing about George Bush. I realize he’s been told to be careful to not pounce on her, but he needs to ignore all the democratic advisers who’ve been losing it for them all these years and come out and play.

8:56 - OK, he just did a bit. Asked how they’re different from Bush. I’m glad to bite my tongue a bit finally.

8:59 - Do they even need a moderator for these things? I mean, they just stick to their scripts and hit the keywords they’ve been instructed to hit anyway, I think it would be more interesting to just have a chess clock between the two of them that would go off every interval. And then they could dress up like knights and rooks.

9:03 - Another great thing for Palin to hit Biden for - he voted for the war. I said all along that no one should be considered for the ticket if they voted for the war. It should’ve been an instant deal-breaker. She has every right to call him out on that. Obama could’ve put someone like Russ Feingold on the ticket and would’ve provided something to the voters….what do you call it….ah yes, an alternative.

9:06 - Palin: “John McCain knows how to win a war.” Really? Name a war he was directly involved in that the U.S. won. There was that War Of The Sexes board game played at his house back in ‘84, he killed ‘em that night.

9:09 - Hey, Gwen Ifill, since Palin loves to talk about how “maverick” her and her running mate are, perhaps a good question would be for her to name one instance of them both doing something maverick. What’s that? You would just accept any bullshit she spat out if she did do that? OK, forget it then. Rupert Murdoch is right, the problem with the press is their ideological bend, not their gross incompetence.

9:12 - Palin just gave a shout out to some group of third graders back home. Well, they’re in the same book club, so we’ll let it pass.

9:15 - Palin was just asked about Cheney’s interpretation of the vice presdiency and the only way to respond to her answer is this.

9:18 - She likes to use her family to win her political points and one thing you have to hand Biden is that he has really avoided that so far. And he could. But then if he did you’d have to see old family photos before he got the plugs and he’d have to explain the before and after.

9:21 - Was that a genuine moment we just witnessed with Biden talking about being a single parent? I’ll be damned. And now she’s going back to her maverick talk. I wonder who has said what more - Biden with middle class or Palin with maverick? It’s like some crappy commercial. Oooohhhhh.

9:23 - I want to see a tally of the time Biden has taken from his own answers saying how he loves McCain. Why not just save your fucking time and wear a John McCain lapel pin or a t-shirt that has a picture of Biden licking McCain’s shriveled balls? That being said he just pointed out specifically how McCain is not a maverick.

9:25 - Biden was asked to name an instant where he has changed and implemented change in his political life and he’s actually giving a substantive and specific answer. I’m sure she’ll return the favor.

9:26 - Palin: “No I haven’t had to compromise because of the bipartisanship up in Alaska.” Nailed it!

9:28 - Palin’s whole argument about her being tolerant of other views is that she knows people who don’t agree with her. Hey, I’ve known some black people in my life, Asians too, perhaps a Mexican or two. I think I really understand racial issues with an empathy that is more than you’re average schmuck don’t you?

9:33 - And we’re done. The families are coming up onto the stage, I personally think it would be great if they all of the sudden went into some West Side Story songs and started dancing together. I guess if your name is Trig that’s kind of out of the picture for you, isn’t it? Maybe a log cutting contest then?

Well, I sat through that and gained no new insights, knowledge or understanding of anything. So just typical prime time American television viewing then. Isn’t it weird how new Sarah Palin is to the national political scene and how it seems that she’s been around for a while now? And much like when Coldplay did a couple years ago, she already has a greatest hits compilation out. To go out on an positive note, at least we only have to sit through a VP “debate” once!

Not-So-Live Blogging The First 2008 Presidential “Debate” by Matt Payton

I’m watching this thing on Saturday morning due to some sort of “rehearsal dinner” last night, whatever that’s about. Jim Leher is explaining the rules and it already sounds like a 21st century version of dodge ball, set up so nobody’s feelings or asses will get hurt. Here we go…

11:10 - Why do they have to thank the debate people for letting them speak? It’s so banal and a waste of time. We get it, you’re grateful to be on TV talking about your shit, move on please!

11:13 - McCain gives a shout out to Teddy Kennedy and now he’s talking about how Republicans and Democrats need to come together. Hey, maybe this guy is really the non-partisan dream we’ve all been told he is! What’s that? He’s used the same Karl Rove tricks that were played against him eight years ago making him look even more cynical than George Bush? Oh, never mind.

11:16 - McCain says he hopes he’ll vote for the plan. Doesn’t he have control over that? Do the voting gnomes come in and vote for him instead?

11:19 - Leher wants the two of them to talk to each other. Has he not seen any of the debates from the last 10 years?

11:20 - Is it too soon into this thing to be bored? Do I need to give them some more benefit of the doubt? I don’t think I do.

11:22 - John McCain just showed off his pen and how he’ll veto excess spending with it. And now he’s pointing out how Obama will spend us into the poor house. What do you want to bet Obama’s going to let him get away with it?

11:24 - Does Barack Obama know that he’s speaking to an audience of Americans? We’re not too bright, you can’t use too much nuance and specific numbers with us. I feel like I’m watching a way more charming version of John Kerry right now.

11:27 - How does the man who admitted just a few months ago that he doesn’t really know much about the economy sound so confident and have a much clearer message than the guy who has grownups advising his economic policies?

11:29 - Stop saying, “I want to make another point.” Just make it, you don’t need to ask permission to talk, you’re running for the presidency I don’t mind if you’re a tad overbearing at times.

11:33 - This rhetoric is so vague I feel like I’m listening to a reading of some Counting Crows lyrics.

11:35 - OK, Barack just got specific on my ass and put me in my place. More of this please.

11:37 - Has any presidential candidate in recent memory not railed against “pork-barrel spending” and “out-of-control earmarks”?

11:39 - How does freezing spending on everything but Social Security and the military help us? I have some books due at the library and I’m kind of banking on that 5 cents a day fine.

11:41 - Jim Lehrer seems annoyed that these guys aren’t answering his questions and just going into their pre-planned speeches. I think he would be completely justified if he were to take out one of Sarah Palin’s shotguns and blow his brains out all over his moderator’s desk.

11:44 - “Orgy of spending” why do I have a feeling the cable news will play that line a lot?

11:45 - John is sitting here with me and just two minutes ago predicted McCain would use the “Miss Congeniality” line at any moment and he just did. It’s almost as if he’s following some sort of script that the life has been sucked out of like a Coldplay song…

11:48 - Hearing them talk about the war is kind of depressing. Trying to out-tough each other, one about Iraq the other about Afghanistan. Is there any sort of anti-war voice in this thing? Is that like getting my hopes up about Spike Lee’s new movie?

11:50 - Obama is being so careful, polite and light to me. Dude, don’t ask for what point you should respond to first, just shit on him and don’t ask him where he wants it.

11:53 - Now would be a great time to bring up how McCain opposed the GI Bill. Well, right now and every day until November.

11:59 - McCain regrets that we left Afghanistan in the 80s after the war with the Russians. Hey, couldn’t you have had an influence on that since you were in Congress at the time? He acts like he just got into politics last spring.

12:01 - Who do you think McCain is more gay for? Reagan or Petraeus? False dilemma. Solution: Three-way!

12:06 - McCain wears a bracelet given to him by a man? That sounds a little….French to me.

12:07 - Obama just actually said, “I have a bracelet too.” I’m going to go watch some junior high debates for something more sophisticated.

12:09 - Why are the time limit rules in this thing more stringent than when a DJ talks during the intro to a song on the radio?

12:17 - I know this isn’t his style, but I’d like to see Barack talk down to McCain more. When someone starts spewing out bullshit you don’t have to show them respect and take seriously what they have to say, you tell them that they’re a fucking idiot and say shut the fuck up.

12:21 - How can we have a conversation between these two people if they can’t even agree on what reality is? - Cliched Comment Of The Day by Matt Payton

12:26 - This is a great study in keywords that make middle America nod their heads. I feel like a test audience for a new Michael Bay film.

12:31 - Why is McCain not being laughed off the stage for hammering his off-shore drilling routine? Wait a minute, we’re in a country that watches Dancing With The Stars on a regular basis. I should just be happy these guys are wearing pants.

12:32 - The sweetest words I’ve heard this whole debate, from Jim Lehrer, “Let’s move on to our last question.” Praise the jesus.

12:34 - McCain is railing against torture right now, Obama, this would be your cue to point out how he caved on torture earlier this year along with spying, immigration and even his much-touted off-short drilling. Does it only just seem easy to go after him on this stuff or is it just me?

12:41 - I like it when Obama laughs at him. It’s like he’s not taking him too seriously, and no one should when he talks like he is.

Well, much like the conventions this had a couple moments of brightness which were clouded most of the time by repeats of every debate I’ve seen over the last ten years. If they’re going to be like this again, do we really need two more of them? The VP “debate” however should be on Pay-Per-View and moderated by Chris Rock.

Live Blogging On The Republican National Convention, Thursday Night by Matt Payton

Praise the jesus - tonight is the last night I’ll sit through a political convention for four years. I get this same feeling when I leave the dentist office and remind myself that I don’t have to come back for six whole months. A lot of people today were peeing themselves over Sarah Palin’s speech last night. Her daughter did too but for entirely different reasons. My favorite thing I read about last night all day was this.

7:07 - Oh my god, Tim Pawlenty I’m pretty sure used to be a camp counselor who had an inappropriate tickle fight with a friend of mine when he was nine. Should I turn him in? He doesn’t seem to be getting that big of a response considering he’s hosting the convention.

7:12 - Pawlenty’s done? That’s it? Do they know they 3 more hours to fill? Oh never mind - Bill Frist is back. They just unfroze him so you’ll be able to see his breath for the first few minutes.

7:14 - Frist just said health is a currency for peace. How appropriate he uses the word currency since I’m guessing he’s about to somehow justify why we should pay out of our ass for it.

7:23 - Brownback! Well, at least drab white people are getting some face time on TV finally, they’ve been on the outskirts for far too long.

7:26 - Oh that’s interesting, spinning the slogan “Yes We Can” into some sort of generic attack and then altering the language around to fit your ideas. Genius! Could you possibly do this clever trick with “Change We Can Believe In” too? I guess it’s rude to ask a baseball player for two home runs though.

7:34 - Holy tacky-political-ploy! Mary Fallin a representative from Oklahoma is starting her speech by retelling the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995. Darling, don’t make Giuliani blush, a lot of us didn’t think such a thing was possible.

7:40 - Ah, here we go. A 9/11 exploitation film that tells us that if you vote for the democrats you’ll be killed by Muslims. This has almost become a sub-genre like the blaxploitation films of the 70s. Do you think a Tarantino-esque director will make an homage to one of these in 20 years? I’d see it.

7:41 - The film just told us that the Republicans will never let another 9/11 happen again. It didn’t tell us how in any way, but still these people have proven that they are on top of this stuff. I mean sure 9/11 happened on George Bush’s watch in Giuliani’s city, but come on it’s not like there was a report that said in the title what was about to happen. If that were the case, then their point would be rather moot therefore rendering the rhetoric bullshit.

7:52 - Joe Gibbs is literally preaching and has been virtually his whole time up at the podium. From many years of being preached at, I have a built-in eyes-glaze-over-turn-off-my-ears gut reaction to people when they go into preaching mode so I can’t say much about what he’s saying.

8:00 - I personally thought that McCain was going to pick Lindsey Graham as his running mate. I figured since he has his head so far up his ass all the time it would just be convenient for him to have a job while he’s there. Anyway, he told everyone that the surge has worked. Great - no need to discuss it then. Well, I guess we’ll be on our way out of Iraq any day now and we don’t have pay those pesky Sunnis not to shoot at us anymore, right? Hey, where’s everyone going?

8:06 - Lindsey Graham: “We are on the road to victory.” It must be a Missouri road because the potholes are the size of the Grand Canyon and hasn’t been paved since John Belushi was on Saturday Night Live.

8:06 - Now he says that a woman will have a say about her children’s future. I think he’s still talking about the war, but should anyone remind him that his party isn’t really fond of women making decisions for or what to do with their children?

8:14 - Tom Ridge is in the hizzy! Will someone go up there and apply duct tape and saran wrap him?

8:18 - The crowd seems to be watching Tom Ridge speak the same way you might watch your little nephew perform in his first piano recital - just praying to God he makes it through without crying and/or shitting his pants.

8:22 - Tom Ridge: “It’s not about talkin’ pretty, it’s about talking straight.” So I guess David Sedaris is out of luck on both counts.

8:32 - Now the John and Cindy film. Why is it that they’re leaving out that McCain left his first wife for Cindy? Must’ve been on accident. I think I just overheard Karl Rove shout, “Oh damn, they adopted that Bangladeshi girl? Well don’t I look like an asshole for saying he fathered an illegitimate black baby 8 years ago? Oops, egg on my face! Sorry, John.”

8:37 - Cindy speaks to the crowd like a lounge singer. That might be a good gig for her actually. John could play the piano and they could do songs about Ronald Reagan.

8:41 - Cindy McCain says that Americans are the most generous people in the world. How the troops in the audience restrained themselves from asking her to justify tax cuts during wartime is beyond me.

8:45 - I’m going to play this speech later when I can’t get to sleep. She reminds me of Laura Bush up there in that she seems like she really doesn’t want to be up there.

8:54 - John McCain’s a man who’s worked in Washington but never became a Washington insider? Doesn’t that just mean he’s a dick? You’re telling me no group accepted him in the 26 years he’s been there? No friends? If I’m at the grocery store and I have to pick between the “maverick” checker who is wearing army fatigues and eating all the Snickers and the checker who’s been employee of the month 7 times and knows all the customers I think I’d be staying away from the “maverick” line.

9:01 - Most of the week I would easily give the enthusiasm bump to the democrats because of how quiet it’s been here. But since Palin last night they’ve been getting into here in St. Paul. I mean, they’re not in a football stadium tonight, but the people are really dancing it up to the in between songs. Could that be because of all the closeted gay guys the Republicans have?

9:15 - Does McCain look significantly less wrinkled and less chipmunk-cheeked tonight than usual? C-SPAN just showed a protester holding up a sign that said “McCain Votes Against Veterans” I’m sure the police will hold back and not over-zealously beat the living hell out of him. They’ve been avoiding doing that all week up there.

9:22 - McCain talks about how he’s going to win the election as if he’s contradicting someone. Like he’s scared he knows he has a good shot of not winning. More protesters. The crowd is chanting “U.S.A.” to drown them out. McCain just referred to them as the ground noise and the static. Everyone thinks it’s hilarious. Goddamn, his smile is creepy.

9:27 - He’s so proud that he introduced us to Sarah Palin. I think he’s sees himself as Judd Apatow to her Seth Rogen. What am I talking about? He’s not going to recognize those references. He fancies himself as Frank Capra to Palin’s Jimmy Stewart.

9:31 - He sure does love to brag about the surge.

9:35 - Now he’s taking the Republicans to task a bit. They seem to like it. I guess the self-loathing you must have to be a modern Republican is pretty overwhelming.

9:36 - Now he’s showing some love for immigrants. I was just about to say a minute ago how I don’t think immigration has been brought up all week. I’m surprised this crowd didn’t bite his head off for not suggesting to ship them all back.

9:39 - I expect him to say next, “My cookies will be delicious and have chocolate in them.” Crowd: Yay! “My opponent’s cookies will have razor blades and snot in them.” Crowd: Boooooooo!

9:40 - “We’re going to find the workers who lost their jobs new ones that won’t go away.” That is until China coughs up enough money for them to go away again at which point we’ll find them a new one, trust me they’re good for it.

9:43 - He wants to help bad teachers find another line of work. Can I send him the name of my high school college advisor?

9:45 - For as much as these people love the concept of it, I’m surprised McCain didn’t come out with an oil drill and dressed like Jed Clampett. And now he’s just accused Obama of not being in favor of nuclear power. I just saw him advocate it one week ago. McCain could tell this crowd that Obama is Irish and show a picture of a leprechaun and they’d all start booing the picture.

9:50 - Hey John, if you don’t want to remind everyone of how old you are I would avoid telling stories about your memories of Pearl Harbor Day. Is there a story about seeing Gone With The Wind on opening night next?

9:52 - From Andrew Sullivan: “The differences between him and Obama on energy independence are not that great, are they?” Sadly, no.

9:54 - Apart from a few blatant lies about him, he seems to be going relatively easy on Obama so far. Of course this party going easy on him means they refrain from literally smearing poo on his picture on the big screen.

9:56 - This has to be the 5th time his POW story has been told in the last 72 hours, at least in prime time. By this logic, shouldn’t Max Cleland be his vice president?

10:02 - McCain really isn’t being nearly as divisive and nasty as a lot of people have been here this week. He’s encouraging people to get involved in things they care about and “fight with him” which is an idea that I haven’t heard from the Republicans…..maybe ever?

10:06 - The crowd likes him, they really like him. I wouldn’t say they love him like they do Sarah Palin. The enthusiasm for Obama last week was much bigger, which is a big switch from 2004 when the democrats had no energy whatsoever at their convention. Look at the balloons though, I hope Palin’s glasses don’t pop one of them.

That was certainly something. I’ve learned the media are elite, drilling for oil is going to fix our energy problems in the short term (aka until the election is over) and Sarah Palin’s vagina has taken a beating over the years that has only been rivaled by the beating McCain took in Vietnam. You know, if someone were watching this convention without knowing anything about our current political state they would have to assume the Republicans have been out of power for at least ten years. George Bush was only mentioned on the night he spoke and I think only Laura really talked about him then. And for the first time they seemed rather unorganized and their execution half-assed, which again reminded me of the democrats in ‘04. It felt like there was no one really in charge all week, including McCain. Having these conventions back-to-back like this has been so exhausting and I’m pretty sure my I.Q. has already fallen and I wasn’t exactly working with a lot to begin with. I’m reminded of a Lewis Black bit from the 2000 election when he said if this is evolution in terms of leadership I’m fully convinced in the year 2012 we’ll be voting for plants. If I start using any of the buzzwords or talking points in my everyday conversation all of you have permission to kick my ass.

P.S. For a much more funny and smarter take on this stuff you can click here or here or here or here.

Live Blogging On The Republican National Convention, Wednesday Night by Matt Payton

I think tonight we’re going to hear about the Jesus between Huckabee, Giuliani and Palin it’s possible there could be a benediction. Sadly, these people are considered some of the stars of this party. The media seems to be really playing up Palin’s speech tonight as some sort of “do or die” moment for her. I’m not sure how the die part will happen, do they expect her to come out with a shotgun and a fetus t-shirt? Then what would Romney do?

7:05 - They’re trotting out the minority women small-business owners so far and I’ve never seen teleprompter reading quite this obvious before. These women are all proud former Hillary supporters who now have left the democrats. Whoa, I just heard the line, “Frankly, higher taxes scare the biodiesel out of me!” I know it smells like french fries, honey, but you’re not supposed to drink it.

7:09 - I just spotted Bob Dole in the crowd. Hey, why don’t they let him speak? He’s got one of those things….I forgot what you call them. Oh, a sense of humor.

7:21 - Meg Whitman, the former CEO and president of eBay is speaking right now. I know she’s pretty heavily involved in the McCain campaign and from what I recall she was VP candidate it was rumored. I’ll bet she looks pretty good to them right about now. John McCain is probably pining for her on his TV while she speaks now like a dog watches a steak on a grill.

7:24 - OK, this is boring as hell so far, even for a political convention. Let’s read this NYT story on Sarah Palin’s start in Alaska to kill some time.

7:56 - Michael Steele is telling us how leadership is often tested not in good times but in times of uncertainty. What if your shitty leadership helped cause times if uncertainty then when you try and fix your own fuck-ups does it still count as good leadership?

8:01 - Just in case you don’t want to wait until later to hear about it, Sarah Palin’s speech will be praised by all the cable news assholes and the GOP hucksters.

8:06 - According to Mitt Romney granting people in Gitmo legal rights is liberal. What else in the constitution is liberal also, Mitt? I mean, it was written by a bunch of smart elites who wore pantaloons and wigs, surely we shouldn’t have to listen to what those pussies had to say anymore do we?

8:12 - He’s now using Europe as an example of higher taxes and bigger government gone wrong. Not even addressing the simplistic language he’s using, I’m not sure I’d go with Europe as an example of a shittier economy than ours right now. Oh hell, might as well, these people aren’t going to go there anyway. Even if they had the facts it wouldn’t really mean that much to them.

8:16 - Romney has never had a day where he wasn’t proud to be American. The black people who his dad “marched with” can’t be reached for comment.

8:17 - As much as I’ve shit on this whole nominating and primary process we’ve been through in this election that has seemed to last for about 17 years it seems to have given us the two best candidates from each party. What a great thing for our country that Mitt Romney is not going to be in the oval office. That fucking douchebag, male-bimbo pandering piece of shit takes the crown for the most disgusting thing I’ve seen in either convention thus far. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, it’s only the first half of Wednesday night.

8:28 - After following Romney and these other idiots they’ve had up here, Huckabee looks pretty good. He’s always been one of their better speakers, I think he’s pretty shallow but he sells himself well. I meant that as a compliment to him, but I don’t think I want it to be anymore.

8:31 - Huckabee talks about Obama bringing back European ideas like he’s bringing back some sort of rare STD. And what ideas did he bring back from there by the way?

8:33 - He just brought up gay marriage and abortion in the same 3 seconds. This is really the first time social issues have been brought up here, which is surprising given that it’s their bread and butter. Without having that bullshit to go to it’s like Rick Springfield not playing “Jessie’s Girl” at the state fair or wherever the hell he plays these days.

8:41 - Hey, how can Reuters already have a story posted about Palin’s acceptance speech?

8:44 - The crowd just cheered the mention of the Palin’s upcoming grandchild. Do you think Dan Quayle is turning in his political grave? Now Linda Lingle, the governor of Hawaii, is talking about how families have these things happen. Yet, they wouldn’t have to if it weren’t for people like Sarah Palin. But I guess the GOP doesn’t believe in the government doing anything to help people.

8:55 - The governor of Hawaii is still talking and she just bragged about the size of Alaska and how you could fit multiple Delawares inside of it. This is literally how 2nd graders on the playground argue about things. Look for her to tell the crowd how Palin’s dad can beat the shit out of Biden’s dad soon.

9:07 - Giuliani just told the crowd that Obama is Ivy League educated then went to work as a community organizer. He and the crowd then begun bursting out with laughter. That’s some fucked up humor. Jimmy Carter builds houses for poor people too - hahahahahahaha.

9:10 - Giuliani: “Obama’s never had to lead people in a crisis.” He skipped the part when he was supposed to say, “And if you keep my party in office we will guarantee there will be a crisis so often that John McCain will be comfortable with familiar surroundings!”

9:24 - Rudy just made fun of Obama for allegedly saying that Palin’s town wasn’t cosmopolitan enough. First of all, Obama didn’t say that. Second of all, you squirrely motherfucker - you were the mayor of New York City, you can’t really make fun of big city folk.

9:30 - So why exactly is Palin going to hurt the Republican ticket? These people are reacting to her like the audience at Ellen’s talk show. You can’t use things like facts and pointing out lies and hypocrisies to people who have drank the Kool-aid and don’t subscribe to anything other than their version of reality. A lot of republicans have more of a visceral, gut-reaction to Palin than they do McCain.

9:35 - Regardless of anything else we know about Sarah Palin, I don’t think she deserves to be on a national ticket solely based on her kids names. Clearly she hates them so much that she gave them the most ridiculous names I’ve ever heard. Also, people who marry their high school sweethearts don’t get to be on the ticket either. It actually makes me highly doubt your decision-making skills. You know who else married his high school sweetheart? Dick Cheney.

9:42 - Does anyone else have a problem with Mr. Palin just handing off their baby to his little four year old daughter or whatever the hell she is. She has had her for 10 minutes now and is licking her hand and rubbing it on the baby’s head. Shouldn’t someone who weighs over 30 pounds be watching it?

9:47 - Oh lord, she’s bragging about her standing up to special interests. I wonder if there’s any evidence to contradict that?

9:56 - I will say Palin is pretty good at hitting Obama. I mean sure, she’s full of shit like everyone tonight, but she does it in this matter of fact way that makes her seem come off as witty in some way. An ignorant way, but still…

10:09 - The 17-year-old due who knocked up Palin’s daughter while listening to a Nickelback album has cut off his mullet. Yeah, they needed to do that because if there’s anything these Republicans hate it’s trashy white people. Yikes.

10:10 - And now McCain’s on stage with the Palins. Seeing them up there together I almost think McCain is now the weak spot on that ticket in the eyes of the Republican base.

My eyes and ears have been through tonight what my colon goes through after eating at Chipotle. And so I’m now off to spend some quality time on the toilet while possibly looking into what it takes to become citizen of Denmark. This local Kansas City blog I’ve been following lately sums it up well: http://stateoftheline.wordpress.com/2008/09/03/701/