Matt Payton's Tumble-o-rama

2011: The Year in Review by Matt Payton

There’s a new year that has arrived. But do you remember the last one? It’s been a number of hours so you may have forgot. Most medical professionals agree that the best way to jog your memory is to look at what I liked listening to/watching over the past 12 months. You’ll find that written on the back of most packs of breath mints. 

If you want to hear me and another partially evolved human discuss the films listed below in a very long podcast click here. 

And if you want to hear what I’ve been listening to over the last 20 years (it’s been updated to include this year’s music) in 5-second increments click below: 

‘91-‘11 by MattP

(In a nutshell I made my own personal version of this. For further explanation as to how this compilation came about click here.)

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2011

1. Smith Westerns Dye It Blonde

Glam rock resurrects itself yet again so at this point it’s beating Jesus by a healthy margin. If you skip a track on this disc you’re either a damn fool or simply have an itchy trigger finger leftover from your telegraphin’ days. This album is best listened to while looking up into the sky. Whatever fills up that sky is up to you. 

2. Kurt Vile Smoke Ring For My Halo

You know how a lot of dudes who play quiet acoustic guitar songs are so irritating they make you want to do this? This is the opposite of that. This is that type of old rock ‘n roll sound that never should have gone away while Nixon got to stick around for five more years. Go figure. This is best listened to while on a road trip going west of where you live with a close enough friend that one of you will buy the expensive roadside beef jerky with no questions asked.

3. The Raveonettes Raven In The Grave

If only we listened to the Danes more…I say that like I listen to any other Danish bands besides this one. What would it be like if I did though? Would I have to start bringing up income inequality in every conversation I have and get really into herring? I don’t know, it sounds like a whole to-do. This album is best listened to in the six month period leading up to an inevitable break up that you know will be happening but you’re still unprepared for. 

4. Wild Flag Wild Flag

Loud guitars, drums and keyboards: a simple yet effective combination. Like cheddar cheese and black beans, Sears and Roebuck or watching a GOP debate and throwing your lamp out the goddamn window. This one is best listened to while reorganizing your record collection from alphabetical to chronological, but not the other way around. 

5. Girls Father, Son, Holy Ghost

You know that shirt in your closet that you wear every now and again and it’s always great but then as soon as you put it back it just goes back to being camouflaged in the thicket of boringness that is you? You should go put it on right now along with this album and keep both going for a few days. This should be listened to somewhere that has plenty of sunlight but it must be indirect. 

6. The Roots Undun

Concept albums are like asses: they’re all fine and good but don’t mean anything if there isn’t any meat to them. For instance, my concept album is about a suitcase that develops a soul and starts leaving poems for its owner in that compartment on the outside that you can never figure out what it’s best use would be. And if the songs were good you wouldn’t care about the concept after track one. Unfortunately the songs are all horrible and feature four-minute bassoon solos. This one is best listened to on religious holidays, full moons and whenever it is that the McRib comes back. 

7. Yuck Yuck

Who says the Brits can’t sound more authentically American than us? What’s that? No one has argued that since 1965? Duly noted then. And who threw out my brylcreem? You doze off for a few minutes and the whole world goes to hell in a hand basket. This one is best heard during the months when Daylight Savings Time is being observed and a quality root beer is within a 100 foot parameter of your person. 

8. Jessica Lea Mayfield Tell Me

If you have the pleasure of seeing any of these songs performed live you will more thank likely demand that this young lady and her band take one of your kidneys in an ice cooler on the road, just in case they need a spare. Just make sure that you label the cooler instead of tossing it in the one they have labeled “egg salad”. If you don’t, after four or five days your liver will taste like shit. This is best heard while on a wild pheasant hunt while your hat is still being worn correctly.

9. Middle Brother Middle Brother

NPR told me to listen to this album so I blindly obeyed as usual but I had to meet Juan Williams in a darkened alley to obtain it and join him in a 90 minute conversation about Grenada before he would give me the damn thing. That’s the real reason he was fired. This best way to hear this is on a Saturday morning either while moving boxes around and/or using a screwdriver.

10. Radiohead The King Of Limbs

You have to leave enough time for things to grow on you except for that thing on your shoulder. You should really get that checked out. I like being able to hang my jacket on it and we all had a good laugh when you used it to dangle from that basketball net over Labor Day weekend but enough’s enough. This album is best heard on headphones with a curly Q chord but only your pinky should wrapped around it. 

Honorable Mention:

The War On Drugs Slave Ambient

Vivian Girls Share The Joy

Thurston Moore Demolished Thoughts

BattlesGloss Drop

Beastie Boys Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

TOP TEN SONGS OF 2011

1. Kurt Vile “Baby’s Arms”

If you listen to this you will appear 20% more graceful the next time you jump over a puddle in the street.

2. The Strokes “Under Cover Of Darkness”

If you listen to this your breath won’t smell like Henry Kissinger’s pancreas tomorrow morning. 

3. The Raveonettes “My Times Up”

If you listen to this the milk you have at home will curdle into something that will benefit your neighbor’s pet llama in the next 20 years. 

4. Girls “My Ma”

If you listen to this you will be able to accomplish anything that begins with the letter “J”. 

5. College (featuring Electric Youth) “A Real Hero”

If you listen to this your co-workers will ask you what put the spring in your step and you’ll only need to answer by showing them the logo of your fabric softener. 

6. Smith Westerns “Still New”

If you listen to this the person you kiss next New Year’s Eve will let you ride shotgun in their jalopy on the way home next year.

7. Jessica Lea Mayfield “Sometimes At Night”

If you listen to this you’ll be able to show your face again at the library as long as you’re okay with the majority of it being covered up by that portrait of Franklin Pierce.

8. Thurston Moore “Circulation”

If you listen to this your doctor will ask for an exam from you.

9. The War On Drug “Baby Missiles”

If you listen to this you will finally have something to wield over the guy who lives in your treehouse with all the cool old rotary phones.

10. Rihanna (featuring Calvin Harris) “We Found Love”

If you listen to this you will be able to do things with eggs that were outlawed in Pennsylvania until eight minutes ago.

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2011

1. The Tree Of Life (Terrence Malick)

Your parents screwed you up slightly less than their parents did them but we’re still not sure how much of that had to do with lead paint. We’re looking into it. Also that cape they let you wear until you were 8 didn’t help matters. It’s best to see this film on day that you slept in a minimum of 45 minutes past the point your usual zombie morning festivities begin.

2. Submarine (Richard Ayoade)

This is how you do a modern movie that takes place in the 80s. No synthesizers, rolled up sleeves or Manuel Noriega ever make an appearance in this story. Well, I can’t vouch for that last one since I was in the bathroom for what felt like four score minutes because some wise ass thought it would be a good idea to put buttons on pants where the zipper is supposed to go. Newfangled gadgets and all. It’s best to see this one after you’ve come back into town after going to your summer home only to realize halfway up there that you don’t have a summer home and instead ended up buying a box of popsicles from Bob’s IGA. 

3. The Robber (Benjamin Heisenberg)

Robbing banks will be the centerpiece of a new fad diet that I plan on marketing in 2012. Look for it in your local book depository next to all the extra copies of the autobiography of the Snapple lady. You should see this movie the day before you get a haircut. 

4. Hugo (Martin Scorsese)

Remember to befriend that old cranky guy who runs that shop near you which no one is ever in. You know, the one next to the ice cream parlor that’s a front for some sort of black market meat slicing equipment and across the street from your fourth favorite Ban-Lon emporium. This is best viewed if you’re seeing it instead of doing something important in your life that needs to get done, like rotating the tires on your barbecue grill.

5. Win Win (Thomas McCarthy)

A good ol’ fashioned whodunnit, except that you know who done it the whole time. There’s plenty of other ol’ fashioned things for you in there anyway. For instance there’s a guy with a job in it. This one is best seen after you’ve exhausted all the phone conversations in your contact list that don’t require 25 extra minutes of explaining why you’re still engaged to what’s-his-name.

6. Martha Marcy May Marlene (Sean Durkin)

If you haven’t heard from your sister in years and she calls you from a gas station drop whatever you’re doing and go pick her up. Make sure before you hang up to let her know that you’ll be prone to drive faster if you know there’s a bag of Funyuns waiting for you when you get there. Also maybe some windshield wiper fluid too since you thought you were supposed to put it in your toilet. You should only see this at night, unless you’re right handed. 

7. Tabloid (Errol Morris)

This might make you think twice next time before you kidnap a Mormon man/Ken doll. Of course thinking twice is what got you into this mess in the first place. Why can’t you just trust your instincts? It’s not like anyone really notices scars on eyelids anyway. Don’t see this one with anyone who has seen you in a bathrobe. 

8. Melancholia (Lars Von Trier)

It’s easy to think that the world will end during a wedding since most of the time you’re praying for it to happen before you hear The Righteous Brothers again. That’s the last time I go to see two brothers marry each other. Those guys just wouldn’t stop with the speechifying. Only in Canada! This movie is best viewed on the day you run into someone you know and act like you’ve been caught in a sting operation when all you were doing was buying some gauze. 

9. Cedar Rapids (Miguel Arteta)

People in the insurance industry can be human too sometimes. Just make sure you turn the switch on their backs to “sentient” so their eye rolls won’t give them a headache when you ask them for gum later. Insurance people have gum out the yin yang, mostly to distract from the leprosy. It’s best to see this one on a date with someone that’s not allowed within a hundred yards of a post office.

10. The Skin I Live In (Pedro Almodovar)

Revenge is best served cold but whatever you do, don’t put it on the top shelf of the refrigerator in the back because ice will start to form on the top of it and it really loses that asbestos flavor. What you want to do instead is chill it in your champagne bucket that you’ve been using as a remote control community center. This is best seen after work unless you want to explain to the boss how you fit a theater into the room where you used to have your team building exercises. 

Honorable Mention:

The Artist (Michael Hazanavicius)

The Trip (Michael Winterbottom)

Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn)

The Guard (John Michael McDonagh)

Happy, Happy (Anne Sewitsky)

WORST TEN FILMS OF 2011

1. Larry Crowne (Tom Hanks)

Ever wonder what it would be like if your dad took a class up at the community college whose computer lab you used back in 2000? No? Then do you ever wonder how many irons a person goes through in a lifetime? It’s got to be somewhere around three. This movie is best seen after a long day of dry heaving and wearing a blanket instead of pants. 

2. Your Highness (David Gordon Green)

Talented people wasting their time can be sad to watch. However idiots wasting their time can be an entertaining afternoon which is why I want to invite you to my cinderblock scooting party next Saturday. You bring the Hawaiian Punch, I’ll provide broken broom handles. This one is viewed best with one foot in a puddle of water and the other one being used to stop some old legal documents from falling over. 

3. The Green Hornet (Michel Gondry)

“We should make a superhero movie because we can.” “Yes we should, but first let’s take a dip in our sensory deprivation tanks.” “OK sounds good. Wait, why do I hear a hammering sound?” “Oh that’s just your mind making an ash tray in shop class for you.” “Oh right. Why does it smell like Siberia in here?” This film should be seen on the day after you paint all your walls black and the day before you set all of the clocks in the house to military time. 

4. Kaboom (Gregg Araki)

You probably know someone who will tell you you’re missing the point by not buying into the ridiculousness of this. You wish you didn’t know them but they sit right by the bathroom and there’s something about an empty bladder that just makes you want to chat about birdhouses for a spell. Science can’t even explain it. This is best seen on the 29th of February in every year that ends with the number three. 

5. Take Me Home Tonight (Michael Dowse)

Going to a party where old high school people you don’t care about will be at? Better wear a jacket and tie! While you’re at it how about some sock garters, an ascot and a croquet mallet? A monocle would really add something but a pair of x-ray specs will do in a pinch. It’s best to watch this movie as the second wish granted from your genie in a bottle as long as your third wish is to be bludgeoned to death with that fake Christmas tree your family has been using since for the last nineteen years. 

6. Cars 2 (John Lasseter)

If there’s one thing the world needs more of it’s Larry the Cable Guy. After more fiber, money and an oriental rug that would bring a tear to your eye it’s certainly the biggest thing lacking in my life. One thing at a time they say. At least that’s what it sounded like from the Cigar Aficionado-infested crawl space. The best way to watch this one is under a bed that has a box spring at least two sizes too small for the mattress. And it would be best if you were wearing a tuxedo, ladies. 

7. The Future (Miranda July)

“Hey man, I just march to the beat of my own drummer.” That drummer unbeknownst to you was fitted for his first straightjacket when you were still wearing short pants. Sure, you still wear them on special occasions these days like anniversaries and Boxing Day but it’s not part of your everyday uniform anymore. You were way more interesting as a British boy back in the 40s. This one should be watched by you and your closest 63 friends. Tell Dana her invitation got bulldozed by that rowdy 4H club that meets next door.

8. Everything Must Go (Dan Rush)

It always helps to befriend someone who doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand your existential crisis. You’re also going to need a heavy bag. And a baseball bat. And some chewing tobacci. And a rake because come on, this yard looks pathetic. This is best seen while flipping through an antiques catalog while at the same time looking up statistics for the 1952 Brooklyn Dodger team on the machine you play pong on.

9. Bad Teacher (Jake Kasdan)

Remember that one guy who did that thing we kind of liked a few years back? Yeah, I don’t think it’s as good as we remember either. Maybe you had to be there. True, who’s to say if someone is ever really “there” at all. Wait a minute, when did you get so deep? I thought you were the guy who still runs BMG music club scams. Oh, you run an ostrich farm now. God, we need to work on our catching up. Well, gotta get to my seat the speaker is about to start. This movie is best to watch at your next Eagle Scout reunion provided that your neckerchief still smells like raisins.

10. 30 Minutes Or Less (Ruben Fleischer)

Next time you have a decent idea make sure to get a good night’s sleep before you do anything rash like committing to an all-corduroy ensemble for the next 365 days. Everyone was jealous at first but once St. Patrick’s Day rolled around you got stuck sitting at the end of the table with Phil. Granted, his pictures of Ashville, KY were breathtaking but that’s because he always punches you in the gut before the slide show of his mom’s house begins. The best way to see this movie is through a kaleidoscope that you bought from that garage sale where you ended up working at for two months. 

Dishonorable Mention:

Hall Pass (Bobby & Peter Farrelly)

Paul (Greg Mottola)

The Dilemma (Ron Howard)

Terri (Azazel Jacobs)

Source Code (Duncan Jones)

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE

Somebody in your life will recommend these to you and act like their lives have improved from watching them. What they won’t tell you is that they’ve been embezzling funds from that from that charity the two of you set up to benefit people with one eyebrow that is way better looking than the other one. 

Margin Call (J.C. Chandor)

Young Adult (Jason Reitman)

Pearl Jam Twenty (Cameron Crowe)

The Ides Of March (George Clooney)

Midnight In Paris (Woody Allen)

Beginners (Mike Mills)

The Muppets (James Bobin)

Contagion (Steven Soderbergh)

Previous Years In Review

2010: The Year In Review by Matt Payton

It’s time yet again to look back on 2010 in the most obvious and easy way possible, AKA my bread and butter. If I were a better person I’d post the top ten Wikileaks cables and biggest corporate loopholes in the financial bill but alas, you’ll have to settle for some music and movie picks. One of the weakest years for movies turned out to be one of the strongest years for music in recent memory:

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2010

1. Titus Andronicus The Monitor

Take 1 cup of mid-70s Springsteen and dump into a bowl, add 1 cup of heart-on-sleeve indie rock sensibility, sprinkle some Civil War themes while remembering to keep the anthems light. Douse with alcohol and mix. Pour out your angst onto a baking sheet and cook at 425 degrees for about an hour while you sing like your fucking life depends on it. By the end you should have The Monitor*.           (*Results may vary)

2. Big Boi Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son Of Chico Dusty

While most of the other elder statesmen of hip hop who are still in the game tend to take themselves more seriously as they age, Big Boi has decided to become more artful and have more fun. Ironically the most catchy and radio ready record of the year had been held back by corporate suits for not being commercial enough which is like denying Jon Hamm the role of Don Draper for not exuding enough testosterone.

3. Tim Kasher The Game Of Monogamy

It’s yet another album from Mr. Kasher that explores the frustration of a failed relationship. So obviously this is good party music you can play at your nephew’s bar mitzvah or at your next skating rink birthday party. By the end of the album you won’t think that asshole you used to date was such a prick after all.The honesty can be a little cringe inducing, yet reassuring at the same time like a Barack Obama interview.

4. Kanye West My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

This is a really good album and I’m surprised no one else has really commented on how good it is or how it’s his masterpiece or put it at the top of their album of the year lists. I guess this is just one of those that snuck under the radar and only a select few will be listening to it and talking about it in the future. Oh well, that’s okay because I don’t think this Mr. West guy really has much of a penchant for hoopla and accolades anyway. 

5. Beach House Teen Dream

Until I saw these two play together on the teevee I assumed the singer was a man. She’s not. She was either blessed with a Lauren Bacall husk in her voice or cursed with a Marlboro Red addiction. Either way the music is all the better for it. If you put this lush dollop of an album on during a cold winter morning you’ll forget or maybe even like the fact that you can’t feel your extremities.

6. The New Pornographers Together

I had the pleasure of seeing The New Pornographers this year at the lovely Pabst Theater in Milwaukee when all of the sudden in the middle of the show it hit me: “Oh yeah, this band is one of the most consistently great ensembles out there and belong on the top shelf of best pop music of the last ten years.” I then thought, “I have to pee” but there wasn’t a song they played that I wanted to walk out during. Together, just like all of their other albums, has a hook per song ratio that could give Big Boi a run for his money. 

7. Deerhunter Halcyon Digest

Deerhunter is not for the casual listener. You have to dedicate some time and effort to appreciate their albums if you’re like me. If there’s a just and merciful god than no one out there is like me and you may enjoy this from the get-go, in which case turn up these dreamy little songs so that everyone can hear them. 

8. Ben Folds & Nick Hornby Lonely Avenue

The lyrics are a little too wordy at times and the narrative of the songs can be too complicated but just like with the person you’re in love with, some thing’s flaws can also be what charms you at the same time. This is the best solo Ben Folds album since Rockin’ The Suburbs. Watch out for the song that indirectly references the Palins and doesn’t make you want to become intimate with the business end of a sawed-off shotgun. 

9. Arcade Fire The Suburbs

They ditched the funeral and rustic old church sound for a minimalistic guitar-and-drums sound that dominates many of the songs. And there are a lot of songs to choose from as the album sprawls in more ways than one. This isn’t an examination of the energy and infrastructure draining costs of the suburbs but instead an exploration of what they feel like as you age. Dairy Queen isn’t mentioned but you can hear the Mr. Misty Freeze in the background. 

10. The Roots How I Got Over

One perk of being a late night talk show house band is that you get exposed to a lot of different bands each night and get a literal front row seat for their performances which can find itself into your songs (see: “Dear God 2.0”). Of course the downside is actually having to sit through Jimmy Fallon’s show while conscious. I think the 2011 charity I’ll start will work on painting eyeballs onto eyeglasses so that the Roots can do what every other sensible person does while Late Night is on: sleep through it. At this point I’m convinced that whatever they come up with in their sleep is still going to be way better than most music out there. 

Honorable Mention:

Yeasayer Odd Blood

Jenny and Johnny I’m Having Fun Now

MGMT Congratulations

Wavves King Of The Beach

Meth Ghost Rae Wu-Massacre

TOP TEN SONGS OF 2010

1. Beach House “10 Mile Stereo”

My favorite grower-not-a-shower song of the year.

2. Titus Andronicus “No Future Part Three: Escape From No Future”

My favorite self-doubt song of the year.

3. Big Boi featuring Cutty “Shutterbugg”

My favorite addictive song of the year.

4. Surfer Blood “Catholic Pagans”

My favorite savior song of the year.

5. The National “Afraid Of Everyone”

My favorite getting older song of the year.

6. Jenny And Johnny “Animal”

My favorite repetitive harmonizing song of the year.

7. Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings “I’ll Still Be True”

My favorite crushing chrous song of the year.

8. Kanye West featuring John Legend “Blame Game”

My favorite Chris Rock cameo song of the year.

9. Reflection Eternal featuring Estelle “Midnight Hour”

My favorite sex song of the year.

10. Dum Dum Girls “Blank Girl”

My favorite hazy song of the year.

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2010

1. Please Give (Nicole Holofcener)

This movie has a lot of things that I’m always a sucker for: neurotic New Yorkers, dysfunctional relationships, smart humor, three dimensional female characters and a tall woman coupled with a short man. It was also refreshing to see guilt that didn’t come from religion delved into. I liked how the movie and the people in it weren’t afraid to be ugly both physically and emotionally. The film itself however looks quite beautiful much like myself when I’m wielding a Phillips screwdriver.  

2. True Grit (Ethan and Joel Coen)

By making Mattie Ross the focus of the movie instead of Rooster Cogburn her character gained more depth in this simple and straightforward story. In a year where pretty much every comedy was a disappointment at best I appreciated getting to the end of the year and finally finding a film that made me laugh throughout the whole thing. The Coens have been firing on all cylinders for a while now that every movie delivers on the great anticipation we all have every autumn.

3. The Fighter (David O. Russell)

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a boxing movie that was about boxing and this one is no exception. The concept of family loyalty is put on trial and settled out of court for a small sum because the prosecutor has some pretty damning evidence up its sleeve. The defense however has an argument that will play upon the jury’s sympathy. Watching the case unfold is good old fashioned movie storytelling at its best except for that damn montage in the middle that uses an awful Red Hot Chili Peppers song. 

4. Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich)

While everyone made a big deal about how they cried at the end of this (which I don’t really understand) they forgot to mention that this was the best action/adventure of the year. While the toys hatch a Great Escape style scheme to get out of their Cool Hand Luke type prison we also get a critique of totalitarian regimes that implement their own perverted vision of a socialist utopia. If you can make it through the insufferable obligatory Randy Newman song then you’ll enjoy the hell out of this.

5. Fish Tank (Andrea Arnold)

Not only are the Brits better at doing our accents than we are at theirs, but they also are more talented at cursing. There’s just something about the way they can drop a “cunt” or “fuck” nonchalantly into a sentence that’s just so goddamned classy. Even when they make a neorealist movie like this about ostensible “white trash” the characters still come off 10 times more dignified than Oprah (since that’s the closest thing to royalty we have).

6. I Am Love (Luca Guadagnino)

I don’t know if anyone else has made this comparison but the ending of this for me was how The Graduate would’ve ended if Mrs. Robinson still had a soul. But the less you know about what this film builds to the better. Both foodies and passionate taboo sex fans will get off to certain scenes in this while others will enjoy watching a wealthy family crumble. It’s called recession comfort food.

7. The Ghost Writer (Roman Polanski)

There’s nothing like a good old fashioned well-made thriller. With a couple leaps of logic and some fantastical elements in there you could be a little skeptical while this story unfolds but I found myself even more riveted. There’s something about the premise and the characters that lock you in from the get go and you want to follow everything to its conclusion. Wait, I haven’t mentioned that Mr. Polanski had some legal trouble this year in regards to a sexual matter - every mention of this movie is legally required to bring that up.

8. Micmacs (Jean-Pierre Jeunet)

The criticism that Jeunet receives seems to be the same that Wes Anderson gets which is that they’ve developed a truly unique voice and executes it extremely well every time but for some reason people only like it once or twice and then start finding reasons to write it off. You’ll find these people praising The Social Network and LCD Soundsystem to the nines and then in a few years they’ll find new highfalutin reasons to like whatever is trendy that week. Micmacs is a fun and inventive revenge movie that blends silliness and earnestness in a way that I guess just isn’t very popular. Thank god. 

9. Cyrus (Jay and Mark Duplass)

John C. Reilly gets to play an actual adult here so you may want to take notice. While the story doesn’t have much complexity the characters get to have a little which is rare in a boy-meets-girl story. After spending last weekend with your family eating Christmas ham you’re probably feeling guilty about not wanting to call them for the next month. After watching this and The Fighter you will feel absolutely justified in cutting off contact with them until Lincoln’s birthday. 

10. Inside Job (Charles Ferguson)

A political documentary that doesn’t take aim at specific people in a political party as much as goes after the attitude of bowing to the altar of deregulation that has plagued the country for the last 30 years (OK, Reagan obviously gets some shit thrown at him but Clinton and Greenspan are the arguable biggest villains). The film shows how derivative markets were conceived and abused in a clear, concise way which is helpful given how complex finance has become. This movie does what every good political documentary does: pisses you off, makes you think and inspires you to light a bag of dog poo on the doorstep of Goldman Sachs. 

Honorable Mention:

Fair Game (Doug Liman)

Winter’s Bone (Debra Granik)

WORST TEN FILMS OF 2010

1. Love & Other Drugs (Edward Zwick)

There’s bad writing and there’s horrible writing. Luckily this movie has countless examples of both! Plus the characters tell each other how they’re feeling at all times instead of showing it. Then Anne Hathaway’s character gets to talk like a screenwriter who’s trying to show off instead of a human being. And if you’re going to make a period piece from the recent past it helps to actually get the details right since most of us actually remember 1997 quite vividly. Then there’s the dumb sex scenes and the awful humor and…..baaaaahhhh!

2. Stone (John Curran)

The sad comedies that Robert De Niro makes shouldn’t feel bad: he sleepwalks his way through dramas too. Even Edward Norton’s cornrows were embarrassed to be seen in this movie. They dropped their agent and are looking to sign with a guy who promised he could get them on Adrien Brody’s head for at least a month or two. Stone thinks the way to come across as dour is to bore you into submission for two hours. 

3. Get Him To The Greek (Nicholas Stoller)

It’s a rare feat to make a comedy film without any funny in it but this has achieved it on a level I haven’t seen since the Steve Martin remake of The Out-Of-Towners. If you want to see tedium personified in the form of a road trip movie/small-but-impossible task then watch this. If you value your short time on this planet, watch the paint dry on your walls instead. 

4. How Do You Know (James L. Brooks)

I’m not really sure what the characters in this movie want but I was given no reasons as to why they want anything either. The whole movie could be condensed down to 30 seconds with each person in it saying, “Wait, what’s happening?” with a confused look on their face. You’d get the same effect and more time on your hands to go across the hall to where they’re showing The Fighter.

5. The Tourist (Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck)

It’s not like any element of this is horrible per se, it’s just that all of the elements have nothing going for them at all so the sum of the parts turns out to be a rather glaring zero. The two big movie stars seem as bored as I am on a beer brewery tour. The plot twist at the end is so ridiculous and unearned but you could care less about what’s happening at that point you’ll just be glad it’s over. 

6. The Extra Man (Shari Springer Berman & Robert Pulcini)

Jonathan Ames has now replaced Dave Eggers as the author I most dread seeing in the credits on my TV or movie screen. There are about 4 different movies going on here and all of them are enamored of themselves even though they have the depth of a Petri dish. I hope Kevin Klein bought himself something nice with his paycheck for this and then burnt it for sacrifice unto the cinema gods.

7. Easy A (Will Gluck)

This movie was way too smug for its own good. Teenagers don’t speak in hyper literate paragraphs peppered with 80s film references. They also don’t come up with clever little schemes to highlight then ultimately validate society’s sexual hypocrisy. They did get the part right about a lot of them looking like 25-year-old sex goddesses though. 

8. MacGruber (Jorma Taccone)

Will Forte was the funniest cast member on SNL for the last 8 years if you ask me. I worry that because of his fearlessness Hollywood is going to try to dumb him down and steer him toward the Will Ferrell/Zack Galifianakis route of playing characters who are the crazy guy that shoves fruit up his ass. Please don’t. Leave that to the Pope. 

9. Chloe (Atom Egoyan)

There was something interesting in the idea for this but then it was buried under a pile of cliché and titillation. The symbolism in the film is so obvious it has the nuance of the Republicans’ 2010 Pledge To America. If you’re a fan of cheesy, melodramatic thrillers and/or tits then you’re in luck. OK, after reading that last sentence I’m not sure if I hated this movie after all. 

10. It’s Kind Of A Funny Story (Anna Boden & Ryan Fleck)

As much as I wanted to give the worst acting of the year award to Amanda Seyfried for Chloe, it was truly earned by Keir Gilchrist who I guess won his role in some sort of radio call-in contest or something. He plays a spoiled, rich New York kid who wastes the valuable resources of an underfunded mental hospital because he gets a little stressed out and thinks about killing himself for a minute. As someone who contemplates suicide everyday that I have to wake up before 10:00am I wanted to scream out the entire time, “So fucking what? You’re going to be fine. You’ll more than likely become a CEO one day and lay me off. Learn how to play golf and get over yourself.”

Dishonorable Mention:

Dinner For Schmucks (Jay Roach)

The Other Guys (Adam McKay)

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE

These are movies that we were all told we were supposed to think highly of because consensus ain’t just a river in Egypt. Wait, that doesn’t work in that context. Anyway here are the over hyped movies that are quite forgettable:

Greenberg (Noah Baumbach)

Joan Rivers: A Piece Of Work (Ricki Stern & Anne Sundberg)

The Kids Are Alright (Lisa Cholodenko)

Shutter Island (Martin Scorsese)

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (Edgar Wright)

Everyone Else (Maren Ade)

The King’s Speech (Tom Hooper)

Inception (Christopher Nolan)

Previous Years In Review

2009: The Year In Review by Matt Payton

It certainly was the last year of the 2000s, you can say that. I don’t know what else you could say about it, but I’ll give it the old college try:

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2009

1. The Raveonettes In And Out Of Control

The fact that The Raveonettes were my first concert in Chicago this fall may have influenced this being at the top of the list, but this album is hard to compete with. Nearly every song I think could be a single and they all sounded even better live. The Raveonettes have been underrated for a long time and if there is a just and loving God then he will come down and smite all of the purity-ring-wearing pop stars to make room for these two Danish song smiths.

2. Cursive Mama, I’m Swollen

On the last song of the album Tim Kasher repeatedly asks what has he accomplished with his life so far. That seems like an odd question coming from a guy who has made a series of great albums with two different bands that he sings in over the last 10 years. At least he has more to show for himself than a stupid top ten list once a year!

3. Woods Songs Of Shame

This album stuck out from a lot of the low-fi indie fare that’s been fashionable as of late mostly because it didn’t sound much like that, but I think it easily could with some engineering and a shitty microphone. I really like the Vaselines-esque lead guitar sound peppered throughout the songs and the Daniel Johnston-inspired album title. If I actually enjoyed camping out I would bring this album along and I would listen to it while I counted down the hours until I could return to glorious concrete and indoor plumbing.

4. Raekwon Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Pt. 2

This requires no time to get used to or be in the mood for - just hit play and it takes off. Now, a lot of albums can start off strong and get you into a particular head space but what’s so great about this one is that it stays at that level throughout. Raekwon knows how to share the spotlight too since Ghostface Killah and Method Man steal the show whenever they show up. Next time you’re having people over to drink some wine on a Sunday night instead of putting on Wilco for the umpteenth time, try this instead. Those people will all be back next week…and they might bring some weed with them.

5. Animal Collective Merriweather Post Pavilion

If you want a lush chorus stuck in your head for 72 straight hours I would suggest you listen to just about any song on this one. You’ll want it to last longer. Luckily, Animal Collective have put out a string of consecutive albums and EPs that are terrific and improve and expand on what came before.

6. Deer Tick Born On Flag Day

It’s good.

7. Girls Album

I didn’t notice until my friend Jon pointed it out to me, but the lead singer’s voice sounds very much like Elvis Costello. The difference here though is that this music isn’t boring. You come out of listening to this a bit jarred because of all the moods that the songs take on. There are chipper pop songs, sad bastard songs, long trippy songs and a great Sonic Youth ripoff. This is also gets better the more you listen to it, like the opposite of Brian Williams.

8. The Smith Westerns The Smith Westerns

Some of these songs are so catchy and melodic that they should be annoying but they aren’t. And yes, it’s supposed to sound like it was recorded inside of your dad’s metal lunch box he used to take to work 25 years ago.

9. DOOM Born Like This

I’ve never understood the unwritten rule of hip hop that every song has to be over 4 minutes long with at least 3 verses with an intro and outro. DOOM throws that rulebook out the window and fills Born Like This with a great collection of short little songs that get the point across without bombast. It’s like Milo Goes To College by The Descendents but without the “Fuck you, mom and dad!” sentiment.

10. Mos Def The Ecstatic

He doesn’t do too much rapping here and I didn’t even realize that until I’d listened to it a few times. It’s a delicate thing how an album can be “all over the place” either to its detriment or its strength. This album falls into the latter category. This is his strongest solo album yet. While I wrestled between this and Invisible Girl for the #10 spot, this won out by a hair because I get something new out of it upon each listen, much like when you find something new that will kill you every time you try a KFC Famous Bowl.

Honorable Mention:

King Khan And The BBQ Show Invisible Girl

Neko Case Middle Cyclone

Morrissey Years Of Refusal

Vivian Girls Everything Goes Wrong

The Strange Boys The Strange Boys’ And Girls Club

TOP TEN SONGS OF 2009

1. Woods “Military Madness”

My favorite timeless song of the year.

2. Jay-Z featuring Mr. Hudson “Young Forever”

My favorite sentimental song of the year.

3. Cursive “From The Hips”

My favorite go-with-your-gut song of the year.

4. Girls “Lust For Life”

My favorite plea-for-a-normal-life song of the year.

5. Conor Oberst and the Mystical Valley Band “Spoiled”

My favorite could-be-about-Goldman-Sachs song of the year.

6. The Smith Westerns “The Glam Goddess”

My favorite guitar solo song of the year.

7. DOOM “That’s That”

My favorite don’t-waste-no-time song of the year.

8. Deer Tick “Friday XIII”

My favorite unhealthy relationship song of the year.

9. No Age “You’re A Target”

My favorite unintelligible song of the year.

10. Pearl Jam “Got Some”

My favorite drug dealer song of the year.

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2009

1. Big Fan (Robert Siegel)

This also might have been influenced by the circumstances of which I saw the movie. It was the first feature I saw in Chicago’s great Music Box Theater, so I was a bit in awe of the big, historic room in which I was sitting. Between this film and Observe And Report, Taxi Driver has had a good year. Watching Patton Oswalt’s character recite his script he writes every day at work for the football call-in radio show he listens to at night is very amusing. It’s the only part of his life that he gets to be articulate and clever. The rest of the time he’s irritable, even while he’s watching the Giants play from the parking lot of their stadium. What fun is immersing yourself in an interest if you can’t talk about and analyze it later? I don’t know anything about that.

2. Fantastic Mr. Fox (Wes Anderson)

Wes Anderson didn’t really change his approach for animation. Everything is still in place: deadpan jokes, identity issues, father/son dynamics and corduroy suits. It just all happens between fox dolls this time. This is a role George Clooney was born to play. He’s much more fun here than in Up In The Air. This movie is just as good as a comment on the economic crisis too.

3. A Serious Man (Joel and Ethan Coen)

The Coen brothers (along with Tarantino) are the best at telling really great stories without telling you what to think about them or spelling out who’s wrong and who’s right. I wish this wasn’t as rare of a thing as it is in movies, but I also wish that Penelope Cruz was coming over for some leftover egg nogg tonight too. Both are probably unlikely.

4. Moon (Duncan Jones)

My favorite depressing movie of the year. This also is a good commentary on our current job market. It glamorizes the working-in-space industry in the same way that Office Space glamorized the having-a-“real”-job industry.

5. Inglourious Basterds (Quentin Tarantino)

Oh my god - someone made a Jewish/WWII movie that’s actually (gasp) fun! This is unacceptable. These types of movies have to be solemn, overly-reverent and portray the good guys as downright saintly. If you break these rules, the Hollywood establishment will send Shosanna Dreyfus to your house to set it on fire.

6. Broken Embraces (Pedro Almodóvar)

Almodóvar makes yet another compelling and beautiful melodrama that sticks with you after it’s over. He’s been doing this so consistently for so long that it’s easy to take it all for granted, like the Lakers in the 80s. But also like the Lakers, this movie’s themes are about sex, bitterness, debt and obsession. The film could’ve used more short shorts and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar goggles, but those are minor complaints.

7. World’s Greatest Dad (Bobcat Goldthwait)

This film breaks even more rules than Tarantino did, but for some reason it followed the newer one that says you must have a bare minimum of 5 minute-long montages in your movie set to the pop music you came of age to. The kid in this movie made me laugh more than any single person on screen this year and it was weird to see Robin Williams not be totally obnoxious, but great. Like if U2 all of the sudden put out a great album or something.

8. Humpday (Lynn Shelton)

There’s nothing like taking a simple idea and executing on it well without all the superfluous distractions that can come along. Who thought a movie about two obnoxious straight guys making a gay porn video could be so awkward and entertaining? Actually that does seem logical now that I think about it.

9. Extract (Mike Judge)

I’m pretty sure that Jason Bateman was created in a lab for an experiment to make the ultimate “everyman” actor. I would pay large amounts of money to take him with me to the DMV for a day and just watch him react to people. This is one of the few workplace comedies that will make you feel sorry for your boss afterward. However, you’ll then realize you didn’t get a raise this year, so fuck that asshole. Oh, and also Ben Affleck is hilarious in this - make of that what you will, but he’s one of the best things about the movie. And that’s saying something because there are a lot of good things about it.

10. I Love You, Man (John Hamburg)

This film shouldn’t have been as good as it was, but I got quite the kick out of it. I liked the awkward portrayal of how much harder making friends as an adult can be than dating. It’s not always easy for men and especially for the ones who don’t have sports and beer drinking to fall back on. And no, that doesn’t necessarily mean that all of our kind are as sensitive and good looking as Paul Rudd.

Honorable Mention:

The Brothers Bloom (Rian Johnson)

The Invention Of Lying (Ricky Gervais and Matthew Robinson)

Gomorra (Matteo Garrone)

Everlasting Moments (Jan Troell)

Good Hair (Jeff Stilson)

Beauty In Trouble (Jan Hřebejk)

The Informant! (Steven Soderbergh)

WORST TEN FILMS OF 2009

1. Notorious (George Tillman, Jr.)

There’s nothing worse than a by-the-books biopic. And that’s exactly what you’re getting here. Even those crappy VH1 movies scoffed at this. And what was with all the talk of Jamal Woolard’s uncanny depiction of The Notorious B.I.G.? Being an obese young black man does not immediately qualify you to play him in a movie. If that’s the case, they could’ve just glued a wig on Charles Barkley and cast him. Hell, I could be the star of a Harold Lloyd biopic that way!

2. The Box (Richard Kelly)

Cameron Diaz is one of the leads and I knew that going in, so this one is really my fault. It looks like the credit that Richard Kelly earned with Donnie Darko has maxed out. The 70s set design looks like it was done by the understudy to the set designer from my high school plays and the fact that the story didn’t really make much sense would’ve bothered me if I had been paying attention more. Instead I was busy stabbing myself in the thigh with a toothpick.

3. Paper Heart (Nicholas Jasenovec)

If you’re going to make a fake documentary with virtually no plot about the most unspecific question in the world (what is true love?) then you might not want to pick the most annoying, self-conscious person in the world to host it. I don’t know who Charlyne Yi is or why/how she’s famous, all I know is that she was sent here by Satan to set back the appeal of nerdy straight girls with glasses who dress like 8th grade boys in the Shakespeare club for decades to come. And let’s face it: those girls were going to have it rough to begin with. Also, a note for Michael Cera: Those of us who like you are really itching for a redemption of some kind - nothing huge, just a reminder of what made us fall for you. Oh all right, I’ll watch Arrested Development for the 6th time.

4. Brüno (Larry Charles)

The only interesting thing about this movie for me was seeing it with the mayor of Kansas City sitting in front of me. After seeing the ridiculous Ron Paul scene in the movie (which is more ridiculous than the Charlton Heston scene in Bowling For Columbine), I realized that Brüno is Mr. Garrison in the Death Camp Of Tolerance episode of South Park.

5. The Informers (Gregor Jordan)

Things I learned from this film: lots of sex and drugs can be fun yet have consequences; rich, fashionable L.A. kids wore skinny ties and Ray-Bans in the early 80s; even though we now primarily associate it with trashiness, smoking still looks kind of cool. I could’ve got all of this from a 50-second commercial instead of watching a 90-minute one for douchebags.

6. The Hangover (Todd Phillips)

As my friend Colin put it right after the credits were done, “What a lazy movie!” You have hilarious people like Zach G. and Ed Helms there the whole time and you give us this piece of shit movie? Hmm, men like to drink a lot and stay out late while vacationing in Las Vegas - what an interesting premise! I’ve never really seen that tackled before. This will be a delight. Oh, and be sure to make the only women in the movie either a castrating bitch or a whore with a heart of gold. Nailed it!

7. Cold Souls (Sophie Barthes)

I feared this would just be mediocre, but it was pretty bad. And boring. I could watch Paul Giamatti in just about anything and get a kick out of him, but even he couldn’t do much with this poor man’s Charlie Kaufman script. I’m surprised more of those haven’t popped up over the last 5 years than what has, not that I’m complaining.

8. (500) Days Of Summer (Marc Webb)

I actually wanted to hate this more than I did, but it turned out to be only a mild hatred. Once I found out the music of The Smiths was going to play a role, I immediately went into the same mode that a bear does when she senses danger to her cubs. Luckily they just play a couple of their songs in the movie and it’s not that big of a deal and neither is the whole conflict on which everything hangs. The whole movie was negated by the way-too-smart-for-her-own-age (which is a big pet peeve of mine) little girl in the movie when she’s consoling , “She said she didn’t want anything serious from the beginning. Stop being such a pussy and get over it.” She’s right, there was no need for any of this cutesiness. Whatever happened to good old fashioned hooking up and making sure you’re wart free afterward?

9. Lymelife (Derick Martini)

This is one of those factory made films that tries to meet the requirements of what it perceives as the “indie” syllabus. Last year the movie Smart People did this. You could watch the two back-to-back if you ever wanted to kill yourself in a really uninspired, generic way.

10. Me And Orson Welles (Richard Linklater)

It’s probably not the best idea to give starring roles in films with great directors to Disney Channel stars. That might seem obvious, but you have to get it writing before Spike Lee casts Christina Aguilera in Me And Etta James. And the Disney kid is in every scene of the movie too! So he has to carry the goddamned thing, meanwhile he probably thinks that A Touch Of Evil is an old video game or something.

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE

Not bad movies per say, just movies that I wasn’t impressed with, but a lot of other people seemed to be:

Where The Wild Things Are (Spike Jonze)

Up In The Air (Jason Reitman)

Away We Go (Sam Mendes)

Adventureland (Greg Mottola)

Coraline (Neil Gaiman)

The Hurt Locker (Kathryn Bigelow)

Funny People (Judd Apatow)

In The Loop (Armando Iannucci) I don’t know if this one belongs here because I liked it more than the others here.

TOP 25 ALBUMS OF THE DECADE by Matt Payton

1. Cursive The Ugly Organ (2003)

One of the few bands I will see every time they tour and don’t get sick of at all. This was the album that introduced me to the band and like Annie Hall to Woody Allen, it’s a great one to start with so you can see what you’re getting yourself into. This album also contains one of my favorite lines of all time: “My ego’s like my stomach/It keeps shitting what I feed it.”

2. The Raveonettes Lust Lust Lust (2007)

When listened to in one sitting, especially through headphones, this can put you into some sort of wonderful trance. Every track blends into the next perfectly while still standing out. There’s just as much emotion in the guitar solos as there are in the vocals, which is quite a bit. If you don’t sing along to these after a while, then I’m pretty sure you’re not human.

3. OutKast Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (2003)

I don’t see how it’s possible to not like at least some portion of this double-album. It’s like going to a good diner and not being able to find at least one thing that sounds good to you. The consensus seems to be that Stankonia is the ultimate OutKast album, but to me that’s like saying Bleach is the ultimate Nirvana album - trying to inject a little obscurity into a very non-obscure subject.

4. Titus Andronicus The Airing Of Grievances (2008)

I don’t know how they blend earnest and cavalier so well, but it really makes this album work. A lot of these songs sound those Irish songs they sing on The Wire at the police bar, but more aggressive and slightly less drunk.

5. Arcade Fire Neon Bible (2007)

This is my favorite album that was recorded in a church. My second favorite album that was recorded in a church: Billy Graham Unplugged. His acoustic rendering of the Beatitudes is pretty kick-ass!

6. The Good Life Black Out (2002)

My favorite break-up album of the decade.

7. The Roots Phrenology (2002)

Black Thought establishes himself here as The Roots’ secret weapon more so than on any of their other albums. He’s a great MC and I never have figured out why he hasn’t got more respect. He could gain some more of it by stuffing Jimmy Fallon’s empty head into Tuba Gooding Jr.’s horn one night during one of his painful interviews. His birthday would then become a federal holiday except in Arizona, of course.

8. Radiohead In Rainbows (2007)

Good comeback album by a band that never went away nor ever dipped in quality. It’s true - they never made anything less than a great album this decade. Hail To The Thief is probably my least favorite and I think it’s awesome. They’ve set some insanely high standards. So in that sense they’ve gone against the grain of this decade.

9. Desaparecidos Read Music/Speak Spanish (2002)

My favorite ugliness-of-suburbia album of the decade.

10. Bright Eyes Lifted or The Story Is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground (2002)

My favorite overly-brooding album of the decade.

11. The Stills Logic Will Break Your Heart (2003)

This album came along when a lot of people were already well into their early 80s, post-punk revivalist period but I’ll be damned if this didn’t show the rest of them how it’s done. It’s very straightforward, no-frills and not the most original thing you’ve ever heard in your life but it’s damn good. I kind of like albums like that: the ones that shouldn’t be as good as they are considering what they’re working with. My ex-girlfriends have all said that at one point about me.

12. Spider Bags A Celebration Of Hunger (2007)

My favorite basement album of the decade.

13. Animal Collective Strawberry Jam (2007)

I could’ve put their newest album here, but I favor this one slightly. I’ve never had a strong, visceral connection to Animal Collective as I do some of the other bands on here, but there’s something about this album that’s very sunny. Don’t worry, it’s not too sunny. You can still bring your Irish friends.

14. The Libertines The Libertines (2004)

Most of these songs sound like they’re on the verge of falling apart on the surface, but they’re actually very tight and carefully crafted if you listen closely. Like Ricky Gervais did with The Office, they gave us two albums then quit - leaving us wanting more. What is it about the British knowing how to quit while they’re ahead? Oh, The Rolling Stones are a British band? Oh well, nevermind.

15. Danger Mouse The Grey Album (2004)

It’s not just a sonic exercise, it’s a fun album to listen to also. I actually prefer this to Jay-Z’s Black Album. Oddly enough this doesn’t make me want to immediately listen to the White Album afterwards, but instead makes me want to combine Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle with A Hard Day’s Night. Or perhaps N.W.A.’s Straight Outta Compton with Abbey Road. I couldn’t post the album below because it was never legally released so the record companies acted quickly and squashed it before it had a chance. Yet we’re in the 6th year of the Iraq War, go figure!

16. The Streets A Grand Don’t Come For Free (2004)

I know a few people who can’t get past this guy’s very British and very white voice in a hip hop setting, but his mumbling storytelling style really gets a lot of mileage out of that voice of his. The track “Dry Your Eyes” may be one of the saddest (but also terrific) songs I own. I couldn’t listen to it all the way through for a long time because I would be depressed immediately afterward. Of course that description also applies to any Weezer song from the last few years.

17. Sleater-Kinney One Beat (2002)

I had the chance to see Sleater-Kinney on this tour when they were opening for Pearl Jam in 2003. My friend Alyvia and I arrived to the large outdoor venue right before they were about to play and the second our tickets were torn a furious thunderstorm began its downpour. Even though we were already soaked, we huddled underneath a concession stand for the next 45 minutes with tons of other wet people. We finally decided to endure the rain once it let up and Pearl Jam begun playing. We never saw Sleater-Kinney play and they broke up three years later. I don’t know whether to blame Kansas City weather or outdoor concerts, but I have an equal hatred of both.

18. The Strokes Is This It (2001)

After this album came out it seemed like every white male between the ages of 15-25 was issued a white belt and ordered to throw away their combs. I however was deep into my powdered wig and pantaloon phase at the time, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying this very accessible and fun album. The sequencing to me is what’s key on Is This It. It’s best to hear the whole thing in one session, like the opposite of a Rick Warren prayer.

19. Weezer Weezer (2001)

This would earn a spot on this list purely because it was my gateway drug to Weezer’s previous album, Pinkerton which I wore out from playing so much during the first half of this decade. This band always bored me until they came back in 2001 and played a not-yet-released song on Conan called “Island In The Sun”. The next day I bought the album and I all of the sudden was a Weezer fan after everyone else I knew already had their Weezer period. I don’t know why or how, but this album put their old stuff into context for me and I immersed myself in their previous two albums, wondering how I had missed it the first time. Of course, from 2005 onward is a different story…I don’t want to talk about it.

20. Kanye West Late Registration (2005)

It’s kind of a somber sounding album for a guy who’s just been crowned (by he himself most of the time) the next big thing. I almost had to flip a coin to decide between putting this or The College Dropout on here, but I’ve always been just a hair more inclined toward this one. Kanye isn’t a very good MC, but his songs are so damn musical that you can just get lost in them for a while.

21. Bob Dylan Modern Times (2006)

Much like George Carlin in his later years, Modern Times is really good at alternating between serious and whimsy. One minute he’s contemplating his own mortality, the next he’s thinking about Alicia Keys. And I thought I was the only one whose mind goes from death to sex in one move!

22. Of Montreal Satanic Panic In The Attic (2004)

My favorite campy album of the decade.

23. Ben Folds Rockin’ The Suburbs (2001)

Whether you want a song about becoming a father or about an acid trip leading to being born again, Ben Folds provides you many options here on a scattered (in a good way) solo debut. I don’t know why he’s still largely seen as a bit of a novelty act in the mainstream music world, but then again we put George W. Bush in office twice this decade, so what the hell do I know about the American people?

24. Eminem The Marshall Mathers LP (2000)

Surprisingly, this has held up well over the years. I love the beats and production work, it’s kind of creepy in an interesting way. And yes, he murders his wife on a track while he leaves his daughter at home as he disposes of the body, but that’s still way more dignified than what Toby Keith did to America on his songs the next year.

25. The Microphones The Glow Pt. 2 (2001)

My favorite quiet album of the decade.

TOP 25 SONGS OF THE DECADE by Matt Payton

1. Cursive “Rise Up! Rise Up!” (2006)

My favorite call-to-arms song of the decade.

2. Joe Strummer And The Mescaleros “Coma Girl” (2003)

My favorite posthumous song of the decade.

3. M.I.A. “Paper Planes” (2007)

My favorite better-than-the-great-song-that-it-samples song of the decade.

4. The Roots featuring Cody Chesnutt “The Seed (2.0)” (2002)

My favorite birds-and-the-bees song of the decade.

5. The Good Life “Your Birthday Present” (2000)

My favorite bitter song of the decade.

6. The Arcade Fire “Intervention” (2007)

My favorite majestic song of the decade.

7. Talib Kweli “Get By” (2002)

My favorite spiritual song of the decade.

8. R.E.M. “Bad Day” (2003)

My favorite Bush/Reagan bashing song of the decade.

9. The Stills “Still In Love Song” (2003)

My favorite backhanded love song of the decade.

10. The Thermals “Here’s Your Future” (2006)

My favorite Bible song of the decade.

11. Thursday “Understanding In A Car Crash” (2001)

My favorite psych-yourself-up song of the decade.

12. OutKast “Hey Ya!” (2003)

My favorite overplayed song of the decade.

13. Radiohead “2+2=5 (The Lukewarm.)” (2003)

My favorite we’re-going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket song of the decade.

14. The Flaming Lips “Fight Test” (2002)

My favorite jealous song of the decade.

15. Bright Eyes “Four Winds” (2007)

My favorite fiddlin’ song of the decade.

16. Jay-Z “99 Problems” (2003)

My favorite bravado song of the decade.

17. Flight Of The Conchords “If You’re Into It” (2007)

My favorite new wedding song of the decade.

18. Bob Dylan “Ain’t Talkin’” (2006)

My favorite ominous song of the decade.

19. Jimmy Eat World “Bleed American” (2001)

My favorite drug song of the decade.

20. Animal Collective “Peacebone” (2007)

My favorite cheery song of the decade.

21. Trey Parker and Matt Stone “Freedom Isn’t Free” (2004)

My favorite patriotic song of the decade.

22. Devin The Dude “Broccoli & Cheese” (2007)

My favorite food/sex song of the decade.

23. Wu-Tang Clan “Uzi (Pinky Ring)” (2001)

My favorite just-won’t-let-up song of the decade.

24. Lightspeed Champion “Galaxy Of The Lost” (2008)

My favorite reluctant one night stand song of the decade.

25. The New Pornographers “The Bleeding Heart Show” (2005)

My favorite repetitive song of the decade.

FILMS OF THE DECADE by Matt Payton

From the looks of it, Charlie Kaufman seems to be my MVP and Mark Wahlberg is my MW(orthless)P. That seems about right.

Top 25 Films Of The 2000s

1. High Fidelity (Stephen Frears; 2000)

Ah, the movie that inspired me to start making these lists 9 years ago…High Fidelity is to blame for all of this nonsense for better and (mostly) worse. I don’t think I have any choice but to put this at number one simply because there would be no list without it. Then I might have a normal and healthy hobby like fishing or pornography. I remember making my first favorite films of the year list in 2000 a few minutes before some movie started at a theater. I had recently seen High Fidelity and thought I would take a whirl at it myself. It was a top 5, which John Cusack uses here to rank his favorite side one, track ones and his girlfriends that made the most impact. I like a love story where the relationship doesn’t transform itself into something greater and has a very vague ending like this. Also, I could watch Jack Black’s scenes in this every morning and be in a good mood for the rest of the day. I think I’ll try to figure out how to make all of his lines various ringtones for my alarm clock.

2. WALL•E (Andrew Stanton; 2008)

I’ve only seen the movie once and I almost don’t want to see it again because it might become less perfect in my mind. I love WALL•E’s world, his friendship with the roach, his fascination with Hello, Dolly!, his devotion to EVE. I also love that while we’re watching Pixar’s greatest love story (so far), we’re also being subtly called out for being lazy fat-fucks during it too. So when you see WALL•E get to finally hold EVE’s hand you’ll want to cry, then when you see the shapeless little kids floating around on their pods watching TV non-stop, you’ll cry again.

3. The Squid And The Whale (Noah Baumbach; 2005)

I haven’t seen a film that walks the line between funny, endearing and disturbing as well as this that I can remember. I guess hanging out with Wes Anderson proved to be fruitful for Noah Baumbach, either that or having vindictive and immature parents. They still look like Mike and Carol Brady compared to anyone in the Palin family though.

4. Brick (Rian Johnson; 2006)

This film moves up in my eyes every time I see it. You’re going to need to watch it several times just to understand the plot. That is if you care enough to try and figure it out. No one still knows the plot to The Big Sleep yet. It doesn’t really matter because the characters and the feel of the movie carries the whole thing. Just like any good detective story noir, the plot is just there to hang all of the obsessions onto. Just like your 9th grade girlfriend.

5. Why We Fight (Eugene Jarecki; 2005)

There were a lot of sociopolitical movies that were big in the 00s, but this one seemed to be the most qualitative. President Eisenhower’s worries about the growing military industrial complex were eerily prescient and make for one hell of a final address to a country that’s about to embark on the 1960s. It’s a good thing that his worst fears never came tru…oh, well it’s a good speech nevertheless.

6. Sideways (Alexander Payne; 2004)

My favorite depraved film of the decade.

7. Shattered Glass (Billy Ray; 2003)

I think this one can go into the canon of great journalism films like Alan J. Pakula’s All The President’s Men and Bill Kristol’s WMD Hunt: The Search For Curly’s Gold. Plus, there’s proof here that Hayden Chistensen has the capability to not be one of the worst actors you’ve ever seen. Of course in the cable-news-dominated media landscape, a movie about a guy who makes up his own non-fiction stories comes across as quaint as the people of Sodom and Gomorrah listening to a story about an unwed couple holding hands.

8. The Lives Of Others (Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck; 2006)

My favorite shows-more-than-tells film of the decade.

9. The Royal Tenenbaums (Wes Anderson)

My favorite riches-to-rags film of the decade.

10. Punch-Drunk Love (Paul Thomas Anderson; 2002)

My favorite uneasy-feeling film of the decade.

11. Adaptation (Spike Jonze; 2002)

I love movies about someone committing to a creative task then giving up halfway through it (see also: the Curb Your Enthusiasm special for HBO that came out before the show). I also tend to enjoy movies about making movies of which there are a plethora to choose from. Charlie Kaufman offers some great catharsis for every time you’ve sat a desk trying to come up with something to say and instead ended up yelling at yourself for being worthless followed by throwing your typewriter or computer monitor out the window.

12. Comedian (Christian Charles; 2002)

My favorite horror film of the decade.

13. American Splendor (Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini; 2003)

Kudos to the filmmakers for taking two things that I think are boring: comic books and bio pics, and making something really fresh. Also, bonus points go to them for showing that OCD is not a cute little idiosyncrasy, and something that can be quite debilitating. Like when people in movies have a disease and it’s shown by them coughing and looking slightly less than perfect, this shows the bedsore side of it. Oddly enough, when Harvey Pekar goes through chemo therapy in this, the OCD actually still seems worse.

14. Roger Dodger (Dylan Kidd; 2002)

I love Alfred Hitchcock and the way he wanted to tell stories through pictures rather than dialogue, but I also love a good talky movie. I have no problems with movies that are simply people sitting around talking (like Richard Linklater’s best films) if they’re good of course. If it feels too talky then maybe the conversation isn’t all that interesting. A man taking out his teenage nephew for the night to pick up ladies actually doesn’t sound like a formula for a movie that’s just about people sitting around talking, but if you’ve ever gone out for an evening looking to pick up ladies when you don’t know shit about them, talking is the only thing you’ll be doing all night.

15. Lost In Translation (Sofia Coppola; 2003)

A sexless romance is had by two people in a foreign country who are used to not having sex since they’re both married. It’s nice that Sofia Coppola kept the setting and story simple because there’s such a large world to explore between these two and their Tokyo hotel. The only part that is hard to buy is that someone would actually neglect Scarlett Johansson to go do anything else.

16. Dave Chappelle’s Block Party (Michel Gondry; 2006)

My favorite unapologetically uplifting film of the decade.

17. The Fog Of War (Errol Morris; 2003)

My favorite extended interview film of the decade.

18. Ghost World (Terry Zwigoff; 2001)

My favorite comic book film of the decade.

19. Inside Deep Throat (Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato; 2005)

A movie about porn that actually suggests that it can be fun. Just watch this so you can see the 70-year-old woman coming out a screening of Deep Throat in the 70s saying “I wanted to see a dirty picture” without having to justify it or acting like she just shit on the sidewalk.

20. Match Point (Woody Allen; 2005)

My favorite atheistic film of the decade.

21. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Judd Apatow; 2005)

Even though I still have a big problem with the ending, this is a really fun movie to watch. Steve Carell and Catherine Keener’s chemistry here for me hasn’t been matched by any other couple on this list, with the exception of WALL•E and EVE. We also get to see the relationship between Carell’s character and his new friends develop at the same time his heterosexual one does. Both are pretty sweet (and hot!, I mean nice, they’re both nice…).

22. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (Michel Gondry; 2004)

A lot of people think they wouldn’t make the same decisions again if they could go back with the knowledge they gained in the meantime. This film questions that notion and whether or not that’s a good or bad thing. I enjoyed every movie this decade that Charlie Kaufman wrote (yes, even Human Nature) and have probably the highest hopes for him in the future which will probably be crushed by disappointment at some point. He’s like my cinematic Barack Obama.

23. Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess; 2004)

Everything matches in this film. The music matches the style. The humor matches the odd characters. The frustration matches the fact that it’s 1982 in whatever world this is despite the fact that calendar says it’s 2004.

24. Mulholland Drive (David Lynch; 2001)

My favorite welcome-to-the-jungle film of the decade.

25. Big Fan (Robert Siegel; 2009)

My favorite sports movie of the decade.

Worst 25 Films of the 2000s

1. Elizabethtown (Cameron Crowe; 2005)

Wow, two people enjoy each other’s company, like the same music and talk to each other for long periods of time on the phone. They must be in love. I guess I’m in love with most of my close male friends too. Maybe I’ll make them a mix CD to communicate my feelings for them before they go on road trip. I could just talk to them in person, but that’s for square adults who are out of the loop and don’t use MyFriendsterTwittersonyourFace.com.

2. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (Simon West; 2001)

The only movie that bored me so much that I just started wondering around the multiplex to kill time until my friends were done watching it. Luckily I walked into another theater right in time to see a topless Halle Berry, so the trip wasn’t a complete waste.

3. American Wedding (Jesse Dylan; 2003)

If you’re dating someone and they suggest you watch this to fill a romantic/date night film quota, break up with them immediately. Do not call them, do not go back over to their house to get your sweater you left over there. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Go home and call up your ex with the drinking problem instead and give them another try.

4. The Notebook (Nick Cassavetes; 2004)

My least favorite dementia-can-be-kind-of-adorable film of the decade.

5. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (David Fincher; 2008)

Just like with The Notebook, why is it that people only think to tell their suspiciously fascinating life stories until they’re on their death bed? You mean you could’ve have broken out some of those tales during Thanksgiving dinner 20 years ago when Uncle Eddy was explaining to everyone how a VCR works? Thanks a lot, grandma.

6. Rock Star (Stephen Herek; 2001)

My least favorite Behind The Music film of the decade.

7. The Last Kiss (Tony Goldwyn; 2006)

There’s nothing more annoying than young people talking about how old they are. Everyone in the film is 30 years old and talks about a life that they once knew as if they were all stewardesses in the 1960s 8 years ago. Stop whining, no one told you to move to the suburbs and refurbish a home. Go to Argentina and have an adventure or something. Just get away from the rest of us so we don’t have to listen to you say, “Those were the days” one more goddamned time.

8. W. (Oliver Stone; 2008)

That George W. Bush, he’s a character. I almost get the sense that he doesn’t have the most healthy intellectual curiosity and that his decision-making skills might be a little flawed. Someone should make a movie that sums up his whole life with cliches and simplistic family drama so that we can understand this man. Then we can go back to eating a sandwich.

9. Pearl Harbor (Michael Bay; 2001)

When it came out I thought I was being clever and called this movie Two Guys, A Girl And A War. At least that TV show was still on the air at the time. Oh, that doesn’t make it better? OK. The line still sums up the movie though. It was so bad, there’s a whole song dedicated to its shittiness.

10. World Trade Center (Oliver Stone; 2006)

Rudy-Guliani probably wakes up every morning and watches this before he begins his day. It’s like his workout. The movie is too subtle for his taste and could use more heavy-handedness, but luckily he can just put in his tape of the 9/11/01 broadcast of Fox And Friends.

11. Notorious (George Tillman, Jr.; 2009)

My other least favorite Behind The Music film of the decade.

12. Alex & Emma (Rob Reiner; 2003)

Rob Reiner has been chipping away steadily at the credibility he earned in the first decade of his directorial career for a while now. With this one he jumped up half the board and has almost had his name erased from all copies of The Princess Bride. If he keeps making movies, we’re taking back Stand By Me next.

13. Where The Heart Is (Matt Williams; 2000)

My least favorite Wal-Mart commercial of the decade.

14. Planet Of The Apes (Tim Burton; 2001)

My least favorite unnecessary remake film of the decade (Lord, were there oh so many to pick from too, it’s like picking the saddest reality show of the decade).

15. The Italian Job (F. Gary Gray; 2003)

My least favorite car commercial film of the decade. (Yes, I realize this qualified for the unnecessary remake category as well, but there are commercials for other products in this movie besides cars, like computers and labatomies.)

16. Factory Girl (George Hickenlooper; 2007)

The 60s were a real crazy time, huh? So full of social upheaval and changes in attitudes, it’s a good thing influential people who were there are able to step aside and reflect on the importance of the very moment they’re living in to tell us how important it is. I would say that never happens in real life, but I’m sure VH1 is making a show about this hour right now with all sorts of funny talking heads!

17. The Spirit (Frank Miller; 2008)

My least favorite crappy comic book movie of the decade (a lot to pick from in that pool too).

18. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (George Lucas; 2005)

Writing that is this bad can’t go unpunished. Luckily George Lucas can reminded of how low he’s sunk from his millions of dollars, record-breaking box office numbers and the armies of basement dwellers who remind him of how great he is on internet message boards.

19. Something’s Gotta Give (Nancy Meyers; 2003)

You mean people over the age of 50 are allowed to have sex? Well that’s as cute as a button. Let’s make a movie about that. No, we don’t really need to add anything sort of perspective on it, I told you that it’s old people, that’s the hook damnit. C’mon it will be great. If there’s anything funnier than boners, it’s wrinkled boners! Look, people will see anything on Christmas as long as there is a slightly off-kilter family in the story somewhere. Well of course we’ll have to throw in an illness of some sort…

20. The Butterfly Effect (Eric Bress and J. Mackye Gruber; 2004)

So things you do in life can later have an effect on how things play out? Thanks, Ashton Kutcher! I’m looking forward to next week’s lesson about how when you’re nice to people they tend not to cut you with a knife for no reason. This film also used the cable news formula of trying to drive the message home by making it as loud as possible. Ashton also did us the favor of showing that this was his “serious” role by growing facial hair. Good thing, or else we would’ve been confused and wanted to laugh from years of conditioning thanks to his knee-slapping humor. Actually this movie is one of the funniest things he’s ever done, besides Demi Moore.

21. Love Actually (Richard Curtis; 2003)

This film is so enamored of its own charm that it will make you want to simultaneously renounce Christmas, capitalism, humanity and Liam Neeson. Of course, just plain old Christmas will make you do all of those things. This movie treats adult relationships the same way Meghan McCain treats talking and thinking at the same time.

22. Ray/Walk The Line (Taylor Hackford; 2004/James Mangold; 2005)

It’s a simple formula: take someone who made great music that influenced a lot of people, tie all of their insecurities back to a childhood trauma involving death, show them write one of their signature songs verbatim the moment that they think of it and then make sure that with the love of a good woman and finding Jesus that they never go near drugs or alcohol again. Just like George W. Bush!

23. The Break-Up (Peyton Reed; 2006)

So a couple breaks up because the man is kind of lazy and apathetic while the woman is uptight and petty. Um, how heartbreaking? I guess they think where it gets interesting is when they won’t move out of their luxury apartment they bought together. Oh, rich people and their not-actual problems! Don’t you hate it when you go to the bank and cash in your quarterly dividends check and they want to give you your gobs of money in $500 dollar bills instead of $100s? So annoying…

24. The Box (Richard Kelly; 2009)

I’m trying to think if there’s an actress who is as popular as they are bad of an actress right now like Cameron Diaz is. I don’t think there is. She’s in a class all her own. If there was a hell, mine would involve having to watch cable news and reality shows all day long then coming home to Ms. Diaz and discuss it with her at the dinner table.

25. Wedding Crashers (David Dobkin; 2005)

My least favorite every-frat-boy’s-favorite-movie-of-the-decade film of the decade.

2008: A Superficial Year In Review by Matt Payton

Most people resolve to quit smoking or quit eating the equivalent of cigarettes in their diet on New Year’s Day. I usually tell myself I’m going to stop making top ten lists about music and movies, but then like a reformed smoker I can smell it in the air and before I know it I’m three cartons deep into bullshit. So let’s all enjoy a little puff, shall we?

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2008

1. Titus Andronicus The Airing Of Grievances

In a year where our collective journey down the toilet as a society has been accelerated with a lead foot, this album to me just felt right. And that’s really the only criteria I can use for these silly little lists. 2008 is the year that I wanted to listen to drunken 20-year-olds screaming “Your life is over” and “Fuck everything and fuck me!” while contemplating how we’re going to make it to 2009.

2. Vivian Girls Vivian Girls

The album sounds like it was recorded in some attic outside of Pittsburgh and the songs sound like they could’ve been written in 1965. I’m always a sucker for a short, straightforward album that consists of perfectly crafted pop songs all 3 minutes long or less. Upon re-reading that idiotic last sentence I might as well have said, “I’m always a sucker for cars that last 25 years and get 70 mpg with little-to-no maintenance required throughout it’s very satisfying life.”

3. Bob Dylan The Bootleg Series Vol. 8: Tell Tale Signs - Rare And Unreleased 1989-2006

Not only are there a lot of unheard gems on this, there are some great alternate and live versions of some latter-day Bobby D greats like “Ain’t Talkin’” and “Ring Them Bells.” This guy has more A material in his leftovers than a lot of artists have on their “masterpiece” album. Probably because he’s still making quality original music, he has kept up his aversion to fake nostalgia and running on the fumes of his hits unlike other pop musicians his age (I’m looking at you, The Police and well, most people from the 80s who are touring stadiums).

4. Deerhunter Microcastle

At first I didn’t think much of this one, but then it crept back up on me like a Chipotle meal. It’s just kind of awkwardly pretty. I’m not entirely sure what that means but let’s assume it’s some sort of statement of genius and the great thinkers in hundreds of years from now will find this and put me on their currency.

5. No Age Nouns

There are only two people in this band and when I listen to this album I hear an almost “Wall of Sound” aspect to the noise of guitar and drums. So this is either one of those great bands that can make a lot with a little or the sound in my head is a result of that voluntary lobotomy I signed up for in exchange for a treat from the ice cream man when I was 5. But hey, I had to sit through church somehow!

6. GZA The Genius Pro Tools

What a great flow this one has - each song compliments the next one quite nicely. A very fun listen and the beats feel fresh. Unlike last year’s all-over-the-place Wu-Tang release, this album is very focused without too much filler. All the hip hop albums getting critical praise at the end of the year like Lil’ Wayne, Q-Tip and Lupe Fiasco didn’t do much for me while the GZA seemed to slip under a lot of people’s radar and I’m not sure why.

7. Beck Modern Guilt

I usually don’t get too excited about Beck although I have always liked his music, but this one really did it for me. Maybe because of the Danger Mouse-produced psuedo-psychedelic sound, maybe because of the ten, relatively short songs or maybe it’s because all year-end music lists are legally obligated to include any new Beck album that came out that year and claim it’s his best album since Odelay then passive-aggressively shit on it when the next one comes out.

8. Lightspeed Champion Falling Off The Lavender Bridge

What made this album interesting to me was this mopy British guy singing all these midwestern twangy songs about all of his friends listening to crunk. This sound seemed to be fashionable about 6 years ago, but I never get tired of it. I don’t even know what the new “indie rock” sound is anymore, but to make it in that world it seems like all you really need to do is name your band after some sort of animal native to Colorado and/or Wyoming.

9. Tokyo Police Club Elephant Shell

Just a fun collection of catchy and peppy pop songs that I’ve continually enjoyed listening to throughout the year. The genre that this would most likely be in, pop-punk, is as hard to make enjoyable these days as a romantic comedy is and I think they pulled it off well. Since these guys are from Toronto, I may be willing to forgive that city for all the years of Rush. No, not quite yet.

10. Kanye West 808s And Heartbreak

The first time I listened to this album I hated it with the exception of one song and was ready to throw it away. Then I kept going back and thought, “Maybe I don’t hate this at all, in fact, maybe I think it’s great in a some way.” That pendulum has swung back and forth for me a number of times now and I’m still not sure how I feel about this one. Sometimes I think it could be Kanye’s Kid A and other times I think the whole album is just a self-indulgent robot voice whining about girl problems. Of course, accusing Mr. West of being self-indulgent is like saying reality TV is insulting your intelligence - isn’t that the point of it? But it’s interesting nonetheless and I can’t quite get it out of my head.

Honorable Mention:

Ra Ra Riot The Rhumb Line

MGMT Oracular Spectacular

Jenny Lewis Acid Tongue

Jay Reatard Matador Singles ‘08

R.E.M. Accelerate

TOP TEN SONGS OF 2008

1. Ben Folds with Regina Spektor “You Don’t Know Me”

Good break-up song.

2. Lightspeed Champion “Galaxy Of The Lost”

Good reluctant-one-night-stand song.

3. Eddie Vedder and Corin Tucker “The Golden State”

Good love song about a person and/or California.

4. Black Kids “I’m Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance”

Good dance song.

5. Kanye West “Robocop”

Good “trust issues” song.

6. Tokyo Police Club “Tessellate”

Good pop song.

7. Animal Collective “Water Curses”

Good weird song.

8. Vampire Weekend “M79”

Good grandiose song.

9. Deerhoof “Chandelier Searchlight”

Good happy song.

10. Riskay “Smell Yo Dick”

Good practical advice song.

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2008

1. WALL•E (Andrew Stanton)

The two robots who fall in love are the most human and emotionally rich characters I’ve seen in a modern film in the last few years. But then again, we as a nation don’t really watch movies about humans anymore. Instead we watch morally black and white superhero movies, vampires who will indulge our puritan attitudes about teen virginity and 58-year-old women who drink cosmos and sleep with 23-year-old sexual stallions who don’t seem to notice the AARP magazines on the night stand the next morning. A lot of attention went to the post-apocalyptic depiction of earth and the human race that turned into lazy, fat slobs who sit in front of TV screens all day in the future (didn’t that already happen about ten years ago anyway?) and I really enjoyed that myself, but the love story here was the key to the film. When WALL•E finally grabs Eve’s hand and holds it, I almost lost it. And the last time I cried at a movie was when Fivel got separated from his family.

2. Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman)

This was a very hard movie to watch the first time because it’s just so sad. But it’s also very funny, sweet and strange at the same time. When people asked me what I thought of it after I saw it I had no answer for them because it took approximately 3 weeks to process and let my emotions simmer back down. Then I realized if a movie has such an effect on me that it’s what I was still thinking about after arriving in Australia and had to drive around by myself for 20 minutes after seeing it before I could face people again because I was so emotional from it, then it has to be worthy of recognition. Even though it had some flaws, at least it made me feel something strongly for better and worse, which I can’t say for most of the movies I saw this year. And with these first 3 movies especially, they all stuck with me long after I left the theater and went back to my rather inconsequential daily activities.

3. Happy-Go-Lucky (Mike Leigh)

I know a lot of people were annoyed by this movie, specifically Sally Hawkins’ uber-perky performance in the lead role, and you could argue that she drifted into manic pixie dream girl territory at times, but it didn’t bother me in the least. Quentin Tarantino talks about a specific genre of films that he calls “hang out movies” where you hang out with the characters so much they become your friends in films like Rio Bravo and Dazed And Confused. This film fits right into that category - the plot isn’t all that substantial but it’s such a fun time in this beautiful and interesting world you get to sit in on for two hours it doesn’t bother you that not that much is happening.

4. Burn After Reading (Joel & Ethan Coen)

Just funny the whole way through and it never gets boring. Pretty much anytime John Malkovich was on the screen I was laughing, not to mention David Rasche and J.K. Simmons. The film has a great way of not taking itself very seriously but with very competent filmmaking and storytelling. Critics seemed to poo-poo it because it was very light-hearted compared to the Cohen’s ultra-serious No Country For Old Men last year, but this was carried out just as well as that one was and had just as many goofy haircuts so what was the problem?

5. Standard Operating Procedure (Errol Morris)

The content of this documentary is more sad than the Charlie Kaufman movie and yet makes you more angry than depressed. Errol Morris gets some great interviews in this, including Lynndie England. I guess not a lot of people want to watch a complex and detailed analysis of how we torture our POWs and then shift the blame away from people higher up who let it all happen, but maybe if we paid more attention to this we’d make more of a fuss about it. And that’s about as much self-righteousness as I can take on New Year’s Day, so I’ll just go back to eating my cinnamon rolls right now and mindlessly consume as usual while bitching about things that I could take the time to invest in if I wasn’t one of those lazy slobs in WALL•E. Damn.

6. A Girl Cut In Two (Claude Chabrol)

Of all the older-man-haves-an-affair-with-woman-young-enough-to-be-his-daughter movies that came out this year, this one was my favorite. Maybe because of the high-caliber actors involved or that is also includes a murder or because of how attractive Ludivine Sagnier is in the film. Or maybe just because it’s French and perhaps that’s why it addresses complex sexual issues and actually acknowledges something besides vanilla sex between two people in a room with candles while Enya plays in the background and there’s some sort of creepy breeze without judging it.

7. The Foot Fist Way (Jody Hill)

I thought this was going to be another generic, overly-crass, Will Ferell-inspired movie about dumbasses who hide behind fake cockiness and thankfully, it was. That’s not a criticism, this was a very funny movie with a very funny actor in the lead role by the name of Danny McBride and without him I don’t know if I would’ve liked this as much. Well, him and the little kid who plays Julio. It was nice to see a fresh comedy this year that was from a scene not attached to Judd Apatow’s, kind of like when the Yankees would lose a game 10 years ago.

8. My Winnipeg (Guy Maddin)

A weird little semi-autobiographical movie from Guy Maddin set in his winter wonderland hometown of Winnipeg, he pretty much narrates stories about his childhood and there are beautiful pictures to go along with it. It’s a movie that could easily put you to sleep since the narrator is fighting sleep the entire time and the town is buried under 6 tons of snow the whole time. I’m shamed to say this was my first Guy Maddin experience and much like when I tried guacamole for the first time this year, I thought to myself, “What took you so long, you idiot!?”

9. In Bruges (Martin McDonagh)

This film felt like a good Pixies album to me - small, well-executed, to the point and without any excess fat with the exception of the guy who played Ken. It’s a very funny movie with great use of excess cursing and violence juxtaposed with the backdrop of a charming old town in Belgium. Wait, I just realized my subconscious connection of this movie with the Pixies - one of my favorite songs of theirs is in the trailer to this movie. And I always thought I was smarter than the trailers. Well, I’m off to see W. because a retarded man just walked by my window, damn sublimiminal tricks.

10. Paranoid Park (Gus Van Sant)

High school movies are always tough for me to watch because 1) they’re usually dumbed down to the point where only Hummer-owners can enjoy them and 2) they have 90210 syndrome of 35-year-olds playing 16-year-olds. This high school movie though has actual teenagers playing teenagers and talking like real teenagers do which means not a lot of dialogue and the word “like” is heard frequently. It’s really a great murder mystery that you get to find out the details of while the story is told non-sequentially. And it’s not really about skateboarding just like Raging Bull isn’t really about boxing. It’s about steak, right?

Honorable Mention:

Elegy (Isabel Coixet)

Married Life (Ira Sachs)

Role Models (David Wain)

WORST TEN FILMS OF 2008

1. W. (Oliver Stone)

Interesting observations, so you’re telling me George W. Bush likes to act on instinct more than thinking things through? Gee, it’s not like I’m painfully reminded of that everyday and will be for years to come, thank you! You couldn’t even parody this movie if you tried and Lord knows Oliver Stone did. I love me some Josh Brolin, but watch him in Milk instead of this bio-pic seemingly written by an 8th grader. If I wanted to see a one-dimensional politician depicted this cartoonish and simplistic I’d watch CNN.

2. Miracle At St. Anna (Spike Lee)

Usually I can still enjoy Spike Lee’s lesser works like She Hate Me and even on some level Bamboozled, but this was hard to sit through. There are 10 different themes trying to work at the same time and I could never figure out what any of them were outside some obvious ones I knew would be in there before seeing it. The most frustrating thing about this is that we need a good WWII movie about black soldiers because I can’t really think of any within my narrow world of cinema knowledge. I would’ve enjoyed a montage of Spike yelling at people while at Knick games on YouTube more than this film. Hey, that gives me an idea…

3. Smart People (Noam Murro)

One of the most eye-roll worthy movies I saw this year. It’s yet another in a long line of scripts purposely written to corner the quirk market but forgetting to be charming, interesting or funny. Your annoying co-worker who talked about Sex And The City all summer will call this her favorite “weird, art-house” movie of the year. Try to ignore her and show something shiny to her so she’ll get distracted and move on to something else.

4. The Spirit (Frank Miller)

I know nothing of comic books so I shouldn’t really weigh in on these types of movies, but my 2 year old niece could weigh in on this and sound more smart than anything in the film. I could stare at Scarlett Johansson for about 6 days in a row with pools of drool flooding me at my feet, but I really think she’s a horrible actress that has brought down most of the movies I’ve seen her in the last few years, especially Vicky Christina Barcelona. Of course the next thing she’s in I’ll be first in line for while fantasizing that she’ll be at the showing, sit by me, become charmed by my witty comments during the film and then introduce me to Woody Allen after making violent love to me. And scoff at people for being too into fantasy and superhero movies!

5. Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden? (Morgan Spurlock)

A junior high video project disguised as a cross-cultural, in-depth religious discussion. The message of the movie seems to be that Muslims are kind of weird but they’re not all terrorist-lovin’ extremists then wants points for being nuanced or something. We’re so ignorant about other cultures that you can get a movie financed that basically just recognizes other people’s existence. Morgan Spurlock here doesn’t try to dig beyond the surface, connect any dots or look at any cause-and-effect reasons for anything. Did I already use the “I’d watch CNN” joke? Son of a bitch!

6. Zack And Miri Make A Porno (Kevin Smith)

The big conflict of this movie hinges on a misunderstanding that even the president of the Three’s Company Fan Club would scoff at. I thought the idea of making a porno because you were broke was a good idea and very appropriate given our economic climate, but it never goes anywhere beyond “porn is funny.” The only reason to sit through this is to watch Craig Robinson from The Office be really funny, as he is in everything he’s in. So if he’s not on screen either fast forward through it, or go to the movie theater bathroom and try to illicit sex from your Republican senator or local youth pastor.

7. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (David Fincher)

The problem with this one is not that the movie is over two and half hours long. It’s that it feels about 2 and half weeks long, and that’s just in the first 30 minutes. I don’t need movies like this to make total sense, I just need the strange world they create to be interesting enough to make me not think about the logistics of a white man born in 1918 in the south with a black mother not ever encountering racism or just the chronology not quite lining up right between Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. And why is it old people in movies never think to tell their fascinating life stories until they’re on their death bed even though the story has been written out perfectly for the last 20 years? You see, I don’t want to be thinking about these questions during a movie and I was. This might be one of the most boring films I’ve seen in a long time which is a shame considering David Fincher made a really long and fascinating character study last year with Zodiac. But I guess Let It Be and Abbey Road were made in the same year too.

8. War, Inc. (Joshua Seftel)

Again, a great idea and subject to tackle - war profiteering, but the execution goes nowhere. I really liked Grosse Point Blank the first time I saw it, but I don’t need it remade and shoehorned into a story about Popeye’s in Baghdad. That was a funny place to have secret government meetings in though. Perhaps God is punishing Jon Cusack for those horrible chick flicks he keeps doing, but I don’t understand why he has to punish the rest of us in the process. Maybe because we still let Mel Gibson make movies?

9. Hamlet 2 (Andy Fleming)

This had some good ingredients like Steve Coogan and just the proposal of making a Hamlet 2, but that’s about it. The movie feels like a bad Comedy Central pilot that has a decent premise, but no one actually showed up to work on it until the day before it was supposed to be done. Hey, I just described this list. Anyway, the “Rock Me, Sexy Jesus” song is kind of funny, so just watch that on the internet and forget about the rest.

10. Tie: 27 Dresses/The Rocker/Fireproof (Anne Fletcher/Peter Cattaneo/Alex Kendrick)

I grouped these movies together here because I saw one in a wisdom tooth pulling aftermath while coming in and out of conciousness, I saw half of one on a plane and it was so disgustingly bad I didn’t need to see the rest and the last one I watched about 5 minutes of when I was killing time at the movie theater waiting for something to start and it was maybe the funniest movie scene I saw all year, although unintentionally. So 27 Dresses - the usual stupid and condescending to women movie that people like and will always be around, nothing particularly worse about it than any other movie like that. The Rocker - a great movie that’s funny and sweet if you’re 12 years old and think that Green Day is punk music. But Fireproof makes the list because of the scene I walked into which was Kirk Cameron’s character on his computer reading and he starts to get tempted to click on a pornography pop up ad and has to pace around the room to psyche himself out of not looking at porn. He then finds his Christian marriage book on the table open to the chapter about conquering addictions and the next scene is him taking a baseball bat to his circa 2000-era Gateway tower. And since that computer is the only source of porn in the world and I’m guessing he doesn’t own a television all of his problems are solved! Is it wrong I want to rent the movie to see the rest of it? Of course, it will just give Cameron more money to put out more end-of-days video games.

Dishonorable Mention:

Choke (Clark Gregg)

Cassandra’s Dream (Woody Allen)

Baby Mama (Michael McCullers)

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE

- movies that were on everyone’s lists and received lots of praise that I didn’t think was deserved, even though I enjoyed most of these movies on some level:

Vicky Christina Barcelona (Woody Allen)

The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan)

Rachel Getting Married (Jonathan Demme)

Frost/Nixon (Ron Howard)

Slumdog Millionaire (Danny Boyle & Loveleen Tandan)

Iron Man (Jon Favreau)

Milk (Gus Van Sant) I enjoyed this one, not as much as the documentary.

Tropic Thunder (Ben Stiller)